The Disconnect (sci-fi dystopian 808 Words)

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Cli-Fi

John J. Falco
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Intro version 2: Is it any better? I had a lot more backstory to all this new stuff, but I cut out most of the history because that's just backstory in my head that can be filled in later.


Chapter One:​

As soon as Daphne Perry heard someone walking through the tall weeds behind her she quickly smashed the wireless router onto the pavement and made sure that no goons saw her tampering with the black box. Then she raced through the field away from the smoldering ashes of the school bus that she had torched for protection.

Even though, she had lost her ride back home, the goons from the registrar were now at least stalled, by the roaring flames of the bus fire. The flames were going high now thanks to the unkempt land around the well-hidden university and they were burning everything in sight. She looked back with glee and big smile formed upon her lips. “No way, they’d want to cross that lake of fire!”

She told herself that she did good. She had gotten the wireless router to turn on by hijacking one of the bus’ USB chargers and some nifty wire splitting, and with limited exposure too, but now it was back to real-life. No more dreaming of the miracle of Wi-Fi. It was a luxury she could barely afford, and one she realized the world may not yet be ready for.

She used her sword to chop her way through the tall grass that surrounded the University Campus protecting the students from Anti-tech government forces. As she was going, she suddenly stubbed her toe on something shiny, but grimy. She cleared the brush and weeds away but, as she clawed her way through the rubble of branches her heart sunk as she realized what she had discovered. It was the long lost treasure of MAT University. The one she had hoped would never be found.

As Daphne cleared away the last of the vines she bent down to brush the yellow straw that lay at the base of her mother’s memorial statue. Careful not to stain her stockings, she threw the weeds away from it, and she saw the rumored golden plaque with that infamous warning to the world on it. She knew it had said something about Peggy’s Law, and as Daphne laid her eyes on it for the first time, she tried everything not to chuckle out loud because, her mom’s name was Lucy. “The Board would never believe this.” She said.

The ten-foot-tall faded green copper statue of the greater than life, Lucy Perry holding as many as four large textbooks with her big 1980s style hairstyle and large nerdy glasses stared down at Daphne in that menacing look that she knew too well.

“You saw this sh*t coming, mom. Now, why didn’t you come up with the solution?” She spoke to her inner demons and as she kicked her heeled boot at the statue, she was too laser focused on egging on her mother’s ghost to notice that something fell out from behind the plaque.

“Oh Stop it! You just cared about being right!” Daphne yelled at her copper mother, as it screamed at her with invisible insults. It was as if she was a little girl who was dreaming about programming the next big thing and her seemingly anti-tech mother didn’t understand.

Daphne and all her friends thought they were going to change the world, with all of their forward-thinking subscription, cloud based applications that catered to society’s every need. Boy how wrong they were, Daphne thought as she smelled the burning gasoline from a school bus.

“The Techy is over there past the bus, over there through that opening.” Daphne sighed as she instantly recognized that raspy voice even at a distance, and as she peered over the tall grass her suspicions of who that voice belonged to were confirmed. She looked up at the sky and said, “I’m living in your hell mom. See this sh*t?” She cursed the registrar as she picked up her sword, not feeling the little note that clung to it, in her tight leather open fingered gloves.

Figuring she was at a safe distance from the fat man that voice belonged to she teased, “Another Year, another chase, eh Cankles? I hope you don’t burn too badly. No way you’ll reach me in time.” She spoke loud enough so that the inbred could hear her.

“Kronk, Clank get her!” Cankles barked at his two skinny little underlings.

As Cankles and his little band of misfits Kronk and Clank gained on Daphne, she saw what was on the ends of the golden chains dangling half way down Cankles' fat belly. She stared in horror as she realized that in place of where a dollar sign or a crucifix might have been there were old smartphones that had been penetrated by the iron.

Daphne could not for the life of her understand how he was able to wear such a dazzling display of these devices without getting his brains turned to mush...
 
As soon as Daphne Perry heard someone walking through the tall weeds behind her she quickly smashed the wireless router onto the pavement and made sure that no goons saw her tampering with the black box. Then she raced through the field away from the smoldering ashes of the school bus that she had torched for protection.

"As soon as Daphne Perry heard…" What did she hear? Weeds rustling, footsteps?

"someone walking…"
Who is she afraid of, the goons? It could be anyone behind her.

"tall weeds behind her she quickly smashed the wireless router onto the pavement…" Tall weeds and pavement confuse the setting. Is it a weed infested pavement (road - UK)? Why does she need to smash the router, can't she run with it?

"and made sure that no goons saw her tampering with the black box."
Daphne is frightened enough to smash the router and run, but still feels she has the time to tamper with the black box?

"Then she raced through the field…" Is this adjacent to the pavement (road)?

"away from the smoldering ashes of the school bus that she had torched for protection." There is no explanation of how burning the bus has protected Daphne. On a technical point, it would be a very intense fire that reduced a bus to ashes.

Ask yourself what information you're trying to convey to the reader. The reader needs an emotional attachment to Daphne. They want to feel her fear, her panic. What will happen to her if she is caught?

I hope this is of some use.
 
I'm afraid the POV use comes across as distant and stilted to me. It's as if you simply present information and then have Daphne react to that, rather than be in her experience. Additionally, the story jolts through that information - there's a bus burning, she used the USB charger, now a fields burning, then she's swinging a sword and stubs her toe on a ten-foot statue...

IMO you need to think less about the information you want to insert, as much as what's Daphne experiencing.
 
"As soon as Daphne Perry heard…" What did she hear? Weeds rustling, footsteps?

"someone walking…"
Who is she afraid of, the goons? It could be anyone behind her.

"tall weeds behind her she quickly smashed the wireless router onto the pavement…" Tall weeds and pavement confuse the setting. Is it a weed infested pavement (road - UK)? Why does she need to smash the router, can't she run with it?

"and made sure that no goons saw her tampering with the black box."
Daphne is frightened enough to smash the router and run, but still feels she has the time to tamper with the black box?

"Then she raced through the field…" Is this adjacent to the pavement (road)?

"away from the smoldering ashes of the school bus that she had torched for protection." There is no explanation of how burning the bus has protected Daphne. On a technical point, it would be a very intense fire that reduced a bus to ashes.

Ask yourself what information you're trying to convey to the reader. The reader needs an emotional attachment to Daphne. They want to feel her fear, her panic. What will happen to her if she is caught?

I hope this is of some use.

Thanks for pointing out the things you didn't understand. It's always tough to paint the picture so that others understand what's going on even when it's clear in your head. This actually makes it really clear what people are thinking when they don't know.
 
I'm afraid the POV use comes across as distant and stilted to me. It's as if you simply present information and then have Daphne react to that, rather than be in her experience. Additionally, the story jolts through that information - there's a bus burning, she used the USB charger, now a fields burning, then she's swinging a sword and stubs her toe on a ten-foot statue...

IMO you need to think less about the information you want to insert, as much as what's Daphne experiencing.

OK so what you are saying is those bits are a bit, ahem, disconnected. I see what you mean by that. I will try to do a better job connecting them by using @VinceK's model. Hopefully that will make things flow better. I had a better connected portion written up but it was way too much telling and backstory for my liking so I scrapped it. Maybe that's why it doesn't seem to connect.
 
It may help to think less about the information you want to tell, as much as what you want the character to experience. Maybe practice with the latter first with nothing happening - then experiment with getting involved with plot elements.

As ever, my recommended books for you to work through are Wonderbook by Jeff Vandermeer for general technicalities, and Save the Cat by Blake Snyder for character development.
 
Adding to Brian's advice. I'd suggest you concentrate on a few paragraphs instead trying to correct the entire piece. Also, I'm sure you have a favourite author or two. Look at passages from their books and see how they convey information, this is not about copying style, it's learning how to develop your own.

I would suggest you edit the first few paragraphs and re-post. Then once you're happy with the feedback (even if it takes several posts), you can apply it to the rest of the piece.
 
This is interesting and it almost seems like it takes a different direction from where you were before.
I would almost suggest just writing more, unless you already have a lot written, and give the beginning a rest. I'm sure once you figure out where everything is going you will have a better chance at finding where it should start.

With that said: I think that there is an immense POV problem and I'll try to highlight that as I highlight other things that bothered me.


Intro version 2: Is it any better? I had a lot more backstory to all this new stuff, but I cut out most of the history because that's just backstory in my head that can be filled in later.


Chapter One:​

As soon as Daphne Perry heard someone walking through the tall weeds behind her she quickly smashed the wireless router onto the pavement and made sure that no goons saw her tampering with the black box. Then she raced through the field away from the smoldering ashes of the school bus that she had torched for protection.

Even though, she had lost her ride back home, the goons from the registrar were now at least stalled, by the roaring flames of the bus fire. The flames were going high now thanks to the unkempt land around the well-hidden university and they were burning everything in sight. She looked back with glee and big smile formed upon her lips. “No way, they’d want to cross that lake of fire!” [The looked back with glee and (a) big smile formed on her lips.] (This comes close to helping confuse the point of view because it moves away and sounds like the big smile is being seen and this could be changed a bit to make it clearer that we are still in the POV. Make her own the smile.)

[I almost see that you are trying to show us the progression of things and that's good, but there has to be a better way with fewer words. As soon as... tends to drag the reader down right from the start. Then... comes off a she did this then that. Ditch those extra unnecessary words.]
::
Daphne Perry heard someone walking through the tall weeds and she quickly smashed the wireless router onto the pavement, making sure that no goons saw her tampering with the black box. She raced through the field away from the smoldering ashes of the school bus. She had torched her only ride back home for her own protection, and the goons from the registrar were now at least stalled by the roaring flames. The fire was strong and high now thanks to the unkempt land around the well-hidden university: burning everything in sight. She looked back forming a gleeful smile with her lips. “No way, they’d cross that lake of fire!”

She told herself that she did good. [She could do good if you want; but I think she could do better if she did well.] She had gotten the wireless router to turn on by hijacking one of the bus’ USB chargers and some nifty wire splitting, and with limited exposure too, but now it was back to real-life. No more dreaming of the miracle of Wi-Fi. It was a luxury she could barely afford, and one she realized the world may not yet be ready for.[Even if you are trying to hide something at this point you are getting the reader confused if there is no WI-FI anymore-ie: why restore the wifi on anything if no one uses technology like that anymore.]

She used her sword to chop her way through the tall grass that surrounded the University Campus protecting the students from Anti-tech government forces. As she was going, she suddenly stubbed her toe on something shiny, but grimy.[I hate suddenly when it is used like this. Stubbing a toe... I don't know of any way to do that but suddenly so it's unnecessary. More-so though is the lack of response (is she a cyborg or something) I usually swear a blue streak and everyone steps far away while I hop around in pain. Of course if something just caught her toe a little and maybe tripped her up before she looked down...] She cleared the brush and weeds away but, [I know it might seem logical to put the comma after the but, but it would work better before.] as she clawed her way through the rubble of branches her heart sunk as she realized what she had discovered. It was the long lost treasure of MAT University. The one she had hoped would never be found.

As Daphne cleared away the last of the vines she bent down to brush the yellow straw that lay at the base of her mother’s memorial statue. Careful not to stain her stockings, she threw the weeds away from it, and she saw the rumored golden plaque with that infamous warning (,) to the world (,) on it. She knew it had said something about Peggy’s Law, and as Daphne laid her eyes on it for the first time, she tried everything not to chuckle out loud because, her mom’s name was Lucy. “The Board would never believe this.” She said.

The ten-foot-tall faded green copper statue of the greater than life, Lucy Perry holding as many as four large textbooks with her big 1980s style hairstyle and large nerdy glasses stared down at Daphne in that menacing look that she knew too well. [This strikes me as all wrong or needs better explanation. It would be hard to stub one's toe on an erect ten foot statue, before knowing it was there. ]

“You saw this sh*t coming, mom. Now, why didn’t you come up with the solution?” She spoke to her inner demons and as she kicked her heeled boot at the statue, she was too laser focused on egging on her mother’s ghost to notice that something fell out from behind the plaque.[This loses the point of view entirely because now it sees things that it doesn't see or shouldn't or something. It would be better to say that something or something like dirt or whatever flew off the back. But then a ten foot statue with base with plaque might hurt the foot before you knock something off the back.]

“Oh Stop it! You just cared about being right!” Daphne yelled at her copper mother, as it screamed at her with invisible insults. It was as if she was a little girl who was dreaming about programming the next big thing and her seemingly anti-tech mother didn’t understand.

Daphne and all her friends thought they were going to change the world, with all of their forward-thinking subscription, cloud based applications that catered to society’s every need. Boy how wrong they were, Daphne thought as she smelled the burning gasoline from a school bus.[This strays off to smelling the burning gasoline; for no seeming reason. ]

“The Techy is over there past the bus, over there through that opening.” Daphne sighed as she instantly recognized that raspy voice even at a distance, and as she peered over the tall grass her suspicions of who that voice belonged to were confirmed. She looked up at the sky and said, “I’m living in your hell mom. See this sh*t?” She cursed the registrar as she picked up her sword, not feeling the little note that clung to it, in her tight leather open fingered gloves.[Now we have the character not feeling something--so who is feeling it. I know what you are trying to do but there needs to be a more organic way to do that. She sees it and ignores it or she doesn't see it and we shouldn't hear about it. Also you have her instantly recognizing the raspy voice and one again instantly is not necessary.]

Figuring she was at a safe distance from the fat man that voice belonged to she teased, “Another Year, another chase, eh Cankles? I hope you don’t burn too badly. No way you’ll reach me in time.” She spoke loud enough so that the inbred could hear her.[Does she have a prejudice against inbreeding or is she just thinking of him as inbred because she thinks that's a bad thing. You miss getting close enough for us to sympathize with her up to this point and frankly this does just the opposite. Now if he had called her inbred then that might work toward that.]

“Kronk, Clank get her!” Cankles barked at his two skinny little underlings.

As Cankles and his little band of misfits Kronk and Clank gained on Daphne, she saw what was on the ends of the golden chains dangling half way down Cankles' fat belly. She stared in horror as she realized that in place of where a dollar sign or a crucifix might have been there were old smartphones that had been penetrated by the iron.

Daphne could not for the life of her understand how he was able to wear such a dazzling display of these devices without getting his brains turned to mush...

I still say you need to write more and continue on into the story and let the beginning set for a while. Once you know where you are headed and have some pages to back that up then you might have a better idea how it should start.
 
I had a lot more backstory to all this new stuff, but I cut out most of the history because that's just backstory in my head that can be filled in later.

Backstory isn't a bad thing. Not at all. Your purpose as a writer is to fill it in from the beginning. Not when you feel it's needed, because the reader needs tightly encapsulated information at the beginning to raise their interest. Actions are secondary but still important.

As soon as Daphne Perry heard someone walking through the tall weeds behind her she quickly smashed the wireless router onto the pavement and made sure that no goons saw her tampering with the black box. Then she raced through the field away from the smoldering ashes of the school bus that she had torched for protection.

The hook is there, but the information that the reader requires at this point is the motive. A slight hint is better than nothing at all.

Even though, she had lost her ride back home, the goons from the registrar were now at least stalled, by the roaring flames of the bus fire. The flames were going high now thanks to the unkempt land around the well-hidden university and they were burning everything in sight. She looked back with glee and big smile formed upon her lips. “No way, they’d want to cross that lake of fire!”

She told herself that she did good. She had gotten the wireless router to turn on by hijacking one of the bus’ USB chargers and some nifty wire splitting, and with limited exposure too, but now it was back to real-life. No more dreaming of the miracle of Wi-Fi. It was a luxury she could barely afford, and one she realized the world may not yet be ready for.

The motive cannot be just free wifi. I'm sure your backstory has more history to explain the critical action. Readers will forgive you info-dumping, if you do it well and give them understanding that some things just cannot stand. Most writers have huge problems on this front, because they're afraid to bend the rules just a little bit.

You have been in this game for a while. It shows clearly in your writing. There's no doubt about that. You have all tools you need, it's just the executing that needs refinement like Brian suggest. Books are good, but the practice is better. More you write, better you'll become. That's the reason for why Mr Banks said, "The most important lesson for a write to become author is practice. Practice, practice, practice..."

She used her sword to chop her way through the tall grass that surrounded the University Campus protecting the students from Anti-tech government forces. As she was going, she suddenly stubbed her toe on something shiny, but grimy. She cleared the brush and weeds away but, as she clawed her way through the rubble of branches her heart sunk as she realized what she had discovered. It was the long lost treasure of MAT University. The one she had hoped would never be found.

Why?

As Daphne cleared away the last of the vines she bent down to brush the yellow straw that lay at the base of her mother’s memorial statue. Careful not to stain her stockings, she threw the weeds away from it, and she saw the rumored golden plaque with that infamous warning to the world on it. She knew it had said something about Peggy’s Law, and as Daphne laid her eyes on it for the first time, she tried everything not to chuckle out loud because, her mom’s name was Lucy. “The Board would never believe this.” She said.

The ten-foot-tall faded green copper statue of the greater than life, Lucy Perry holding as many as four large textbooks with her big 1980s style hairstyle and large nerdy glasses stared down at Daphne in that menacing look that she knew too well.

You're giving readers physical description, when this info should appear far higher above. The first para is where you make it or break it. Everything after has to build upon it. At the moment these actions aren't enough to hold up this story. As a reader I need more info, if you as a writer provide it, I'm willing to go great lengths to accept your style.
 
This is interesting and it almost seems like it takes a different direction from where you were before.
I would almost suggest just writing more, unless you already have a lot written, and give the beginning a rest. I'm sure once you figure out where everything is going you will have a better chance at finding where it should start.

With that said: I think that there is an immense POV problem and I'll try to highlight that as I highlight other things that bothered me.




I still say you need to write more and continue on into the story and let the beginning set for a while. Once you know where you are headed and have some pages to back that up then you might have a better idea how it should start.

Thank you for doing that proofreading @tinkerdan. Yes, I basically moved things around from the last one, but still kept the location. The radiation parking lot might be included in chapter two as she gets closer to the University. It seems now she is farther away from school and the bus dropped her off in front of the field instead of in the middle of it. I took out the bus parts because I kinda felt they were unnecessary and just dropped into this actiony scene, but I guess there needs some explanation as to why she is doing what she is doing. I'll have to try to figure that out as I continue to write it.

I know it has something to do with her mom and that statue so I'll have to figure out how to place it organically into the story. As I realize now it might seem like it just appears randomly.
 
Backstory isn't a bad thing. Not at all. Your purpose as a writer is to fill it in from the beginning. Not when you feel it's needed, because the reader needs tightly encapsulated information at the beginning to raise their interest. Actions are secondary but still important.



The hook is there, but the information that the reader requires at this point is the motive. A slight hint is better than nothing at all.

I have a couple of paragraphs of backstory about her relationship with her mom and why the mother is so important to this world. Well, obviously not that important otherwise the statue wouldn't have been forgotten about enough to be weeded over. It's just that she had an impact on the old technological world and now this new non-technological world doesn't want anything to do with how things were in the past. She's a middle aged character so she remembers what the world was like.
 
I have a couple of paragraphs of backstory about her relationship with her mom and why the mother is so important to this world. Well, obviously not that important otherwise the statue wouldn't have been forgotten about enough to be weeded over. It's just that she had an impact on the old technological world and now this new non-technological world doesn't want anything to do with how things were in the past. She's a middle aged character so she remembers what the world was like.

So don't be afraid to listen your muse and expand this piece.
 
She had gotten the wireless router to turn on by hijacking one of the bus’ USB chargers and some nifty wire splitting, and with limited exposure too, but now it was back to real-life.
Late to the party here but anyway... This is chapter one. So why not let readers puzzle for a while on how she got power for the wifi router. Suspense is good and you could reveal the 'juice hack' in a later scene (if necessary). Hook my interest early on and I'll keep reading!
 
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