Hey, didn't know where else to share this, but this is my Monty Python-esque short.
It was written roughly 8 years ago, and probably needs work; but I don't particularly want crits for it (just didn't know where else it belongs on these forums). If you do happen across any glaring grammaticals or bits of story that you think could be better, then sure, point them out.
Otherwise, here's my short:
The Incredibly Amazing Story of Sir Trevor, Brave Knight of The Square Bar Stool, and his Quest for ‘The Sword Made of Bone’.
Once below a time, outside a forest in a not too distant land, there lived a boy. His name, believe it or not; was not Trevor his name was Gerry. He didn’t have a last name, only a first. Now, being a boy he had all the boyish things, like swords and daggers and other various objects with which one could poke out their eyes.
Gerry, like his brother, Trevor, was born at a very young age, and grew up in a castle. He couldn’t very well grow down in a castle, now could he? It was here that Gerry first met Trevor, as they were twins, so it was pretty hard for Gerry not to have met Trevor at the castle; unless of course they were separated at birth, but they weren’t so let’s just not go there…
Anyhow, Trevor and Gerry were trained by their very own uncle, who doesn’t have a name and never will, but for story’s sake we’ll call him Sir Knight. Now, Sir Knight was well known throughout the Not Too Distant Land for his heroic deeds, such as chopping the arms off of ogres and battling the dreaded beast from the deep dark cave, which for want of a better word was a dragon. And so it was that he knew a thing or two when it came to handling swords and whatnot. Nobody really knew what a whatnot was and they probably never will, cause Sir Knight would never say.
So, the twins got their training done, then graduated from Knight School, each with honours in Dragon Maiming and Ogre Beating. But it was Trevor who got the first quest, and so his story follows. What exactly it follows I’m not sure, but just read it anyway….
The Tale Of Sir Trevor, The Mighty and Brave Knight Who Done Great Deeds And Stuff…(..Yes I wrote ‘And Stuff.’)
“Your quest,” said the Quest Giver. “Is to find the Sword Made of Bone.”
“The Sword Made of Bone? What sort of silly git would make a sword from a bone?” Trevor asked, and quite fairly got an answer.
“I would,” said the Random Arch Enemy, Guy, Who’s Not Meant to Appear in This Scene.
“Oh, right; fair enough then, where would I be able to find such a sword?” Trevor asked the Quest Giver.
“The Sword Made of Bone, is near a lake on the far side of Tarneggity forest, in which the Not So Secret Elves abide,” the Quest Giver announced, in one of those unnecessarily dramatic Quest Giver voices.
“The Not So Secret Elves? Not that bloody weird lot! Surely there is another way?” Trevor asked.
“Nay, there is no other way, young Sir Trevor,” the Quest Giver replied. “Tarneggity Forest surrounds the castle, I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Beg yours?”
“You just said you’re afraid…so, of what are you afraid?”
“Nothing, you silly git, it was merely a figure of speech.”
“Right sorry, carry on then…”
“So, once you reach the lake, you will come to a cave…”
“What? The cave is right there, by the lake? No paths to it or anything?”
“Not the last time I looked, but things may have changed, the Not So Secret Elves may have decided to build a bridge to it for all I know. But now! Upon seeing the cave, you will notice that there is a dragon inside there, this is of no consequence, it is merely a warning. For your quest, though a grand one is not to slay the dreaded beast from the deep dark cave; nay! Your quest is to find the sacred ‘silly’ Sword Made of Bone”
“Right so where exactly is the sword?”
“Oh yes! Quite right, the sword is at the bottom…”
“The sword is at the bottom? What sort of a place for a sword is that?
“… Ahem! The bottom of a…” But alas, the Quest Giver could not reveal this vital clue for it was at this point that he collapsed to the floor and drowned in a pool of blood. The pool was meant for swimming in but ever since the gory battle of which we have no time to explain, it had been filled with blood.
“Ah, the stupid git’s gone and died on me! Now how am I supposed to know where the Sword Made of B…” Trevor started to say, but (this being a story where the quest must be given by the Quest Giver who by now was surely dead,) he didn’t actually finish the question.
For, as all hope was inevitably lost of Trevor ever finding out the Sword Made of Bone’s location, the Quest Giver miraculously (for surely it was a miracle) gave him the answer with his final breath, saying; “…a deep pond in which there lives a green frog who is actually a magically cursed princess who was cursed by a witch in her youth and now holds the key to a door which is in a tree in Tarneggity Forest, behind which lies a box and in that box is a map to the sword’s location.” And surely it was a long breath to be able to say that many words and give such a long explanation, but alas, as it was his last breath the Quest Giver died, and never came back (well technically never, he does make one last appearance as a ghost at the end of tale, but back to the story of Sir Trevor…)
And so gallantly Trevor rode on his most noble of horses (he rode only on one horse, the others stayed at home) To the edge of Tarneggity Forest. Here he waited, for something to happen, and happen it did. A sign was shown to him (by his trusty horse, Warry, which coincidentally rhymes with Barry,) and the sign said ‘This Way.’ With an arrow pointing in that direction. So that was the way Trevor went. Not That Way, This Way, for that is what the sign said. Had it told him to go that way he would have, but he didn’t.
Hours later (how many it is uncertain, for he didn’t have a watch) Trevor found himself at an intersection. It was a small intersection with bushes and Whathaveyou’s growing around each sign. One sign read ‘To Lake,’ the other said, ‘To Save Yourself Time Just Go This Way For A Couple of Hundred Meters and You’ll Find The DoorTree in Which There Lies The Box With The Map to The Sword Made of Bone.’
The second sign would surely have saved Trevor a lot of time, but he didn’t have that much to begin with, because he didn’t have a watch, and well, you know, he was on a quest, so instead of reading the incredibly long sign, he took the path to the lake. Thirty minutes later, or thereabouts, he was stopped by a group of travelling Not So Secret Elves.
“And who might this be, in our forest, travelling on horseback, wearing a sword, dressed in armour, holding a shield with the King’s banner painted on it?” One of them asked.
“I am Sir..”
“Oh he’s a Sir, him with his golden eagle chest plate, his short brown hair, his stubbily blonde beard, and his perfectly white teeth and dreamy hazel green eyes…”
“Oh shut up, you silly gits! Clearly I’m a Knight of The Square Bar Stool, and am on a most important quest to find The Sword Made of Bone.” Trevor replied, becoming quite annoyed with the Not So Secret Elves.
“Silly gits is it? Knight of The Square Bar Stool are you? Not So Secret Elves are we? Looking for a Sword Made of Bone ay? Well I never! Not in my entire No So Secret life! He’s a damned hero! A perilous quest is his, we must talk to him no more; he will surely lead us on a wild goose chase, from which there will be no return! You all know how hard it is to catch wild geese! And as leader of this Not So Secret Elvish group, I vote we steal his horse and make him walk the rest of the way!” The leader of the Not So Secret Elves replied.
By this time Trevor had already gone though, and the Not So Secret Elves were the ones left walking the rest of the way.
A quick swim later and Trevor had found the Frog Princess at the bottom of the shallow part of the lake, who gave to him the key and directions to the DoorTree, after demanding a kiss, which Trevor reluctantly gave her, but it didn’t cure her curse, the Princess simply wanted a kiss.
...cont
It was written roughly 8 years ago, and probably needs work; but I don't particularly want crits for it (just didn't know where else it belongs on these forums). If you do happen across any glaring grammaticals or bits of story that you think could be better, then sure, point them out.
Otherwise, here's my short:
The Incredibly Amazing Story of Sir Trevor, Brave Knight of The Square Bar Stool, and his Quest for ‘The Sword Made of Bone’.
Once below a time, outside a forest in a not too distant land, there lived a boy. His name, believe it or not; was not Trevor his name was Gerry. He didn’t have a last name, only a first. Now, being a boy he had all the boyish things, like swords and daggers and other various objects with which one could poke out their eyes.
Gerry, like his brother, Trevor, was born at a very young age, and grew up in a castle. He couldn’t very well grow down in a castle, now could he? It was here that Gerry first met Trevor, as they were twins, so it was pretty hard for Gerry not to have met Trevor at the castle; unless of course they were separated at birth, but they weren’t so let’s just not go there…
Anyhow, Trevor and Gerry were trained by their very own uncle, who doesn’t have a name and never will, but for story’s sake we’ll call him Sir Knight. Now, Sir Knight was well known throughout the Not Too Distant Land for his heroic deeds, such as chopping the arms off of ogres and battling the dreaded beast from the deep dark cave, which for want of a better word was a dragon. And so it was that he knew a thing or two when it came to handling swords and whatnot. Nobody really knew what a whatnot was and they probably never will, cause Sir Knight would never say.
So, the twins got their training done, then graduated from Knight School, each with honours in Dragon Maiming and Ogre Beating. But it was Trevor who got the first quest, and so his story follows. What exactly it follows I’m not sure, but just read it anyway….
The Tale Of Sir Trevor, The Mighty and Brave Knight Who Done Great Deeds And Stuff…(..Yes I wrote ‘And Stuff.’)
“Your quest,” said the Quest Giver. “Is to find the Sword Made of Bone.”
“The Sword Made of Bone? What sort of silly git would make a sword from a bone?” Trevor asked, and quite fairly got an answer.
“I would,” said the Random Arch Enemy, Guy, Who’s Not Meant to Appear in This Scene.
“Oh, right; fair enough then, where would I be able to find such a sword?” Trevor asked the Quest Giver.
“The Sword Made of Bone, is near a lake on the far side of Tarneggity forest, in which the Not So Secret Elves abide,” the Quest Giver announced, in one of those unnecessarily dramatic Quest Giver voices.
“The Not So Secret Elves? Not that bloody weird lot! Surely there is another way?” Trevor asked.
“Nay, there is no other way, young Sir Trevor,” the Quest Giver replied. “Tarneggity Forest surrounds the castle, I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Beg yours?”
“You just said you’re afraid…so, of what are you afraid?”
“Nothing, you silly git, it was merely a figure of speech.”
“Right sorry, carry on then…”
“So, once you reach the lake, you will come to a cave…”
“What? The cave is right there, by the lake? No paths to it or anything?”
“Not the last time I looked, but things may have changed, the Not So Secret Elves may have decided to build a bridge to it for all I know. But now! Upon seeing the cave, you will notice that there is a dragon inside there, this is of no consequence, it is merely a warning. For your quest, though a grand one is not to slay the dreaded beast from the deep dark cave; nay! Your quest is to find the sacred ‘silly’ Sword Made of Bone”
“Right so where exactly is the sword?”
“Oh yes! Quite right, the sword is at the bottom…”
“The sword is at the bottom? What sort of a place for a sword is that?
“… Ahem! The bottom of a…” But alas, the Quest Giver could not reveal this vital clue for it was at this point that he collapsed to the floor and drowned in a pool of blood. The pool was meant for swimming in but ever since the gory battle of which we have no time to explain, it had been filled with blood.
“Ah, the stupid git’s gone and died on me! Now how am I supposed to know where the Sword Made of B…” Trevor started to say, but (this being a story where the quest must be given by the Quest Giver who by now was surely dead,) he didn’t actually finish the question.
For, as all hope was inevitably lost of Trevor ever finding out the Sword Made of Bone’s location, the Quest Giver miraculously (for surely it was a miracle) gave him the answer with his final breath, saying; “…a deep pond in which there lives a green frog who is actually a magically cursed princess who was cursed by a witch in her youth and now holds the key to a door which is in a tree in Tarneggity Forest, behind which lies a box and in that box is a map to the sword’s location.” And surely it was a long breath to be able to say that many words and give such a long explanation, but alas, as it was his last breath the Quest Giver died, and never came back (well technically never, he does make one last appearance as a ghost at the end of tale, but back to the story of Sir Trevor…)
And so gallantly Trevor rode on his most noble of horses (he rode only on one horse, the others stayed at home) To the edge of Tarneggity Forest. Here he waited, for something to happen, and happen it did. A sign was shown to him (by his trusty horse, Warry, which coincidentally rhymes with Barry,) and the sign said ‘This Way.’ With an arrow pointing in that direction. So that was the way Trevor went. Not That Way, This Way, for that is what the sign said. Had it told him to go that way he would have, but he didn’t.
Hours later (how many it is uncertain, for he didn’t have a watch) Trevor found himself at an intersection. It was a small intersection with bushes and Whathaveyou’s growing around each sign. One sign read ‘To Lake,’ the other said, ‘To Save Yourself Time Just Go This Way For A Couple of Hundred Meters and You’ll Find The DoorTree in Which There Lies The Box With The Map to The Sword Made of Bone.’
The second sign would surely have saved Trevor a lot of time, but he didn’t have that much to begin with, because he didn’t have a watch, and well, you know, he was on a quest, so instead of reading the incredibly long sign, he took the path to the lake. Thirty minutes later, or thereabouts, he was stopped by a group of travelling Not So Secret Elves.
“And who might this be, in our forest, travelling on horseback, wearing a sword, dressed in armour, holding a shield with the King’s banner painted on it?” One of them asked.
“I am Sir..”
“Oh he’s a Sir, him with his golden eagle chest plate, his short brown hair, his stubbily blonde beard, and his perfectly white teeth and dreamy hazel green eyes…”
“Oh shut up, you silly gits! Clearly I’m a Knight of The Square Bar Stool, and am on a most important quest to find The Sword Made of Bone.” Trevor replied, becoming quite annoyed with the Not So Secret Elves.
“Silly gits is it? Knight of The Square Bar Stool are you? Not So Secret Elves are we? Looking for a Sword Made of Bone ay? Well I never! Not in my entire No So Secret life! He’s a damned hero! A perilous quest is his, we must talk to him no more; he will surely lead us on a wild goose chase, from which there will be no return! You all know how hard it is to catch wild geese! And as leader of this Not So Secret Elvish group, I vote we steal his horse and make him walk the rest of the way!” The leader of the Not So Secret Elves replied.
By this time Trevor had already gone though, and the Not So Secret Elves were the ones left walking the rest of the way.
A quick swim later and Trevor had found the Frog Princess at the bottom of the shallow part of the lake, who gave to him the key and directions to the DoorTree, after demanding a kiss, which Trevor reluctantly gave her, but it didn’t cure her curse, the Princess simply wanted a kiss.
...cont
