Please can I have a little help... it may be that I don't understand the use of commas...

[FibonacciEddie]

I have pasted in 700 words... from my current WIP

... how bad is my comma usage... please 'edjucate me'

If you have any other comments on style/pace/etc then, of course, I would be pleased to receive any feedback - that's how we improve

but primarily, I'd like to understand if I have grasped the basics of 'good comma usage'

thanks
FibE

***


As she trekked behind the local guide, Sarah Dixon fought to keep positive. The heat was relentless. The jungle canopy stretched overhead protecting her from the worst of the African sun, but also trapping the humid air, and creating an oven in which she was being slowly roasted. Her long sleeved t-shirt stuck to her arms, her trousers stuck to her legs, and her hair matted across her face. Heavy mud clinging to her boots made each step laboured. Ineffectually, she tried to knock it off without allowing her feet anywhere near the edge of the path. She knew that was where the real dangers lurked.

Sarah stopped to catch her breath. It was only 9 o’clock in the morning. God only knew what it would be like at midday. Actually, she knew exactly what it would be like because it would be the same as yesterday… and the day before.

‘Are you okay, Sarah?’

The calm low voice of her guide Mazula brought her back to the present. He’d dropped back, concern etched on his face. He rummaged in his pack and brought out a bottle of water.

Sarah readjusted her pony-tail, reincarcerating the many errant strands of hair that had worked loose over the previous hour. Then, after wiping her brow, she took the bottle and had a long drink before returning it with a smile. ‘Fine thanks. I just can’t get used to the heat.’

A screech in the canopy caused her to look up. Black Colobus monkeys, common in the Congo Basin, were fooling around. To the uninformed observer, it appeared to be play, but she knew it was all part of their rich social structure. Somewhere high up in the red cedars an exchange was establishing dominance and subservience.

Although ostensibly looking upwards, Sarah observed Mazula out of the corner of her eye. He was waiting patiently, tall, handsome, dependable, and with a calm assuredness. She smiled to herself, then reached out and gave his arm a small squeeze. ‘Thank you for the water, Mazula.’

‘At your service lady.’

There was a shout from further back in the group. Benjamin Foyt was making his way up the line. Officious did not even come close. Looking like a Victorian explorer, all he was missing was a pith helmet and a fly swat. ‘Sarah, my dear, how are you doing?’

Sarah smiled. Benjamin was the perfect gentleman, the perfect travelling companion, an accomplished scientist, and with a decent amateur interest in animal behaviours. Although not quite a fully-fledged ‘cat shrink’ according to Marcus.

As he drew close, Benjamin looked Sarah up and down. ‘How are you holding up to the damn heat?’

She smiled gamely. ‘How much longer?’

‘Well unless the troop has moved on, we’ll be there in under an hour.’

Benjamin squinted at his watch and then continued. ‘I checked the most recent sightings. If it’s the same troop that was spotted last month then we may witness the same behavioural irregularities, unless they too have cleared up.’

She nodded. That’s why she was here - to find bonobos, any primates in fact, with clear indications of cognitive degeneration.

Please give me the sick apes…

A cough from Mazula indicated that the head guide a little way up the trail was keen to get the group started again, so they restarted the trek. Within a few moments of the resumption, the little energy Sarah had gleaned from the rest had dissipated. She pulled at her clothes, trying to unstick them from her body.

It had been a frustrating few days from both a scientific and a business perspective. They had been drawn here based on reports of bonobos going on violent rampages. Unfortunately, all they had found so far were normal bonobos - an idyllic race of pygmy chimpanzees who spent their days eating, grooming, and making love.

She plodded on unsuccessfully, keeping the ‘what if’ thoughts from surfacing. The bare fact was that if they failed to secure some sick primates, they’d probably take healthy ones. Benjamin had ducked the issue at the pre-departure meeting with Polly Wolfson, but he’d fall into line… and if he acquiesced it was unlikely she’d have the nerve to refuse. It was just delaying the inevitable.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Not bad -- here are my suggestions, in red.

Oh, and I moved this to Critiques because it's a pretty large piece and fits better here.

As she trekked behind the local guide, Sarah Dixon fought to keep positive. The heat was relentless. The jungle canopy stretched overhead(comma) protecting her from the worst of the African sun, but also trapping the humid air(no comma) and creating an oven in which she was being slowly roasted. Her long sleeved t-shirt stuck to her arms, her trousers stuck to her legs, and her hair matted across her face. Heavy mud clinging to her boots made each step laboured. Ineffectually, she tried to knock it off without allowing her feet anywhere near the edge of the path. She knew that was where the real dangers lurked.

Sarah stopped to catch her breath. It was only 9 o’clock in the morning. God only knew what it would be like at midday. Actually, she knew exactly what it would be like because it would be the same as yesterday… and the day before.

‘Are you okay, Sarah?’

The calm low voice of her guide(comma) Mazula(comma) brought her back to the present. He’d dropped back, concern etched on his face. He rummaged in his pack and brought out a bottle of water.

Sarah readjusted her pony-tail, re-incarcerating the many errant strands of hair that had worked loose over the previous hour. Then, after wiping her brow, she took the bottle and had a long drink before returning it with a smile. ‘Fine(comma) thanks. I just can’t get used to the heat.’

A screech in the canopy caused her to look up. Black Colobus monkeys, common in the Congo Basin, were fooling around. To the uninformed observer, it appeared to be play, but she knew it was all part of their rich social structure. Somewhere high up in the red cedars an exchange was establishing dominance and subservience.

Although ostensibly looking upwards, Sarah observed Mazula out of the corner of her eye. He was waiting patiently, tall, handsome, dependable, and with a calm assuredness. She smiled to herself, then reached out and gave his arm a small squeeze. ‘Thank you for the water, Mazula.’

‘At your service(comma) lady.’

There was a shout from further back in the group. Benjamin Foyt was making his way up the line. Officious did not even come close. Looking like a Victorian explorer, all he was missing was a pith helmet and a fly swat. ‘Sarah, my dear, how are you doing?’

Sarah smiled. Benjamin was the perfect gentleman, the perfect travelling companion, an accomplished scientist, and with a decent amateur interest in animal behaviours. (Benjamin was the perfect travelling companion: a perfect gentleman, an accomplished scientist with a decent amateur interest in animal behaviours.) Although not quite a fully-fledged ‘cat shrink’(comma) according to Marcus.

As he drew close, Benjamin looked Sarah up and down. ‘How are you holding up to the damn heat?’

She smiled gamely. ‘How much longer?’

‘Well unless the troop has moved on, we’ll be there in under an hour.’

Benjamin squinted at his watch and then continued. ‘I checked the most recent sightings. If it’s the same troop that was spotted last month(comma) then we may witness the same behavioural irregularities, unless they(comma) too(comma) have cleared up.’

She nodded. That’s why she was here: to find bonobos — any primates(comma) in fact — with clear indications of cognitive degeneration.

Please give me the sick apes…

A cough from Mazula indicated that the head guide a little way up the trail was keen to get the group started again, so they restarted the trek. Within a few moments of the resumption, the little energy Sarah had gleaned from the rest had dissipated. She pulled at her clothes, trying to unstick them from her body.

It had been a frustrating few days(comma, though optional) from both a scientific and a business perspective. They had been drawn here based on reports of bonobos going on violent rampages. Unfortunately, all they had found so far were normal bonobos — an idyllic race of pygmy chimpanzees who spent their days eating, grooming, and making love.

She plodded on unsuccessfully, keeping the ‘what if’ thoughts from surfacing. The bare fact was that if they failed to secure some sick primates, they’d probably take healthy ones. Benjamin had ducked the issue at the pre-departure meeting with Polly Wolfson, but he’d fall into line… and if he acquiesced(comma) it was unlikely she’d have the nerve to refuse. It was just delaying the inevitable.

 

[FibonacciEddie]

Hi TheDustyZebra,

many thanks, I will take a close look at your mark-ups and learn from them

 

[Appello]

Like I say to my students, the best way to understand commas is to practise reading your work aloud, as 'conversationally' as you can, and taking note of the places where you naturally pause. What you'll find is when reading aloud you instinctively and unconsciously take small breaks, without even realising what you are doing, because our brains are awesome like that . That is where you need to include commas, and semi-colons for those slightly longer breaks that aren't quite long enough to be full stops. For example, if you read your 3rd sentence aloud, you should find that you naturally pause after the word 'overhead', and before 'protecting'. If you try to read that sentence without a small pause between those two words, it comes out sounding sort of strange and forced.

Do that often enough and you'll eventually start to get the hang of it, although I'd say you've pretty much got it down pat already.

 

[Ajid]

I have difficulty with a comma, that horrible little tadpole of grammer, it often confuses me. At school it was all about clauses, lists, the oxford type, and slight pause.

I agree with Dusty, in regards to your post, of course.

And my writing is as far as I go with them.

I got an A* in English Language and yet when I submitted my last story to an editor, the addition and removal of commas, it broke my heart.

 

[2DaveWixon]

I have difficulty with a comma, that horrible little tadpole of grammer, it often confuses me. At school it was all about clauses, lists, the oxford type, and slight pause.

I agree with Dusty, in regards to your post, of course.

And my writing is as far as I go with them.

I got an A* in English Language and yet when I submitted my last story to an editor, the addition and removal of commas, it broke my heart.

As far as I can tell, there are few definitive rules on when or when not to use commas -- I say that because I've observed a lot of inconsistency in the pronouncements of grammarians.
What I have found works for me is to simply put the comma where I feel it to be right.
In point of fact, this means that I use more commas than most people -- and that results in editors removing many of them (strangely, it also results in some editors putting them into my work, in places where I did not place them).

It may be a conceit of mine, but I also feel that I use commas a great deal in my speech, also -- meaning, I guess, that I'm a slow and deliberate talker, as well as one given to parenthetical interjections...years ago, after I wrote a letter to my aunt, she told my mother than she was happy to get my letter -- and then she said "It was just like talking with him: David writes just like he talks!" That says it right there: write the way it feels right if you were to say the words out loud to someone...and let the commas fall where they may -- if you like the result, that's the most important thing!
(There are exceptions to that, mostly of the sort where a comma truly is needed, or truly should have been avoided -- I suggest that you try to find a copy of a little book that came out a decade or so ago, entitled Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. It's an enchanting and funny little book that may give you some insights on the subject.)

 

[TheDustyZebra]

As far as I can tell, there are few definitive rules on when or when not to use commas -- I say that because I've observed a lot of inconsistency in the pronouncements of grammarians.
What I have found works for me is to simply put the comma where I feel it to be right.
In point of fact, this means that I use more commas than most people -- and that results in editors removing many of them (strangely, it also results in some editors putting them into my work, in places where I did not place them).

It may be a conceit of mine, but I also feel that I use commas a great deal in my speech, also -- meaning, I guess, that I'm a slow and deliberate talker, as well as one given to parenthetical interjections...years ago, after I wrote a letter to my aunt, she told my mother than she was happy to get my letter -- and then she said "It was just like talking with him: David writes just like he talks!" That says it right there: write the way it feels right if you were to say the words out loud to someone...and let the commas fall where they may -- if you like the result, that's the most important thing!
(There are exceptions to that, mostly of the sort where a comma truly is needed, or truly should have been avoided -- I suggest that you try to find a copy of a little book that came out a decade or so ago, entitled Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. It's an enchanting and funny little book that may give you some insights on the subject.)

All of that. Except the aunt. I don't know her.

 

[Ajid]

Well that's pretty concise: in terms of using colons.

 

[FibonacciEddie]

many thanks to all... I will keep plugging away

 

[mosaix]

As far as I can tell, there are few definitive rules on when or when not to use commas -- I say that because I've observed a lot of inconsistency in the pronouncements of grammarians.
What I have found works for me is to simply put the comma where I feel it to be right.
In point of fact, this means that I use more commas than most people -- and that results in editors removing many of them (strangely, it also results in some editors putting them into my work, in places where I did not place them).

It may be a conceit of mine, but I also feel that I use commas a great deal in my speech, also -- meaning, I guess, that I'm a slow and deliberate talker, as well as one given to parenthetical interjections...years ago, after I wrote a letter to my aunt, she told my mother than she was happy to get my letter -- and then she said "It was just like talking with him: David writes just like he talks!" That says it right there: write the way it feels right if you were to say the words out loud to someone...and let the commas fall where they may -- if you like the result, that's the most important thing!
(There are exceptions to that, mostly of the sort where a comma truly is needed, or truly should have been avoided -- I suggest that you try to find a copy of a little book that came out a decade or so ago, entitled Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. It's an enchanting and funny little book that may give you some insights on the subject.)

Strangely enough, Dave, I think it was Eats, Shoots & Leaves - without the extra comma.

 

[Steven Sorrels]

Strangely enough, Dave, I think it was Eats, Shoots & Leaves - without the extra comma.

 

[2DaveWixon]

Strangely enough, Dave, I think it was Eats, Shoots & Leaves - without the extra comma.

Did I not say, earlier in this thread, that I'm one who tends to use more commas than others? If I intone the title of that little book out loud, I always feel that I'm saying it with that second comma...it's how I speak.

 

[VKALFIERI]

As she trekked behind the local guide, Sarah Dixon fought to keep positive. The heat was relentless. The jungle canopy stretched overhead (comma) protecting her from the worst of the African sun (semi-colon to replace comma) but also trapping the humid air, and creating an oven in which she was being slowly roasted. Her long sleeved t-shirt stuck to her arms, her trousers stuck to her legs, and her hair matted across her face. Heavy mud clinging to her boots made each step laboured. Ineffectually, she tried to knock it off without allowing her feet anywhere near the edge of the path. She knew that was where the real dangers lurked.


Sarah stopped to catch her breath. It was only 9 o’clock in the morning. God only knew what it would be like at midday. Actually, she knew exactly what it would be like (comma) because it would be the same as yesterday… and the day before.


Sarah readjusted her pony-tail, reincarcerating the many errant strands of hair that had worked loose over the previous hour. Then, after wiping her brow, she took the bottle and had a long drink (comma) before returning it with a smile. ‘Fine thanks. I just can’t get used to the heat.’


Sarah smiled. Benjamin was the perfect gentleman, the perfect travelling companion (semi-colon or period to replace the comma) an accomplished scientist, and with a decent amateur interest in animal behaviours. Although not quite a fully-fledged ‘cat shrink’ according to Marcus.


A cough from Mazula indicated that the head guide a little way up the trail was keen to get the group started again (semi-colon to replace the comma) so they restarted the trek. Within a few moments of the resumption (no comma needed) the little energy Sarah had gleaned from the rest had dissipated. She pulled at her clothes, trying to unstick them from her body.

I'm not sure if you still wanted help with this, but here's where I'd put commas and other related punctuation; such as semi-colons and periods.

Just my .02

take it or leave it.