1865 - The Toolshed - 300 words

Discussion in 'Critiques' started by Phyrebrat, Nov 10, 2016.

  1. Phyrebrat

    Phyrebrat ba-Ba-ba-brat

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2011
    Messages:
    2,849
    Location:
    In your bedroom wardrobe...
    Thanks, Steven! That's good to know ;)

    Have you read the short story Iverson's Pits by Dan Simmons? It's a great story.

    As said upthread, strips is correct, too. I took it from an excerpt from a contemporary journal.

    Yes, I am always overusing ellipses, semicolons and italics :eek:

    pH
     
  2. Steven Sorrels

    Steven Sorrels Minister of Human-Banana Relations

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2016
    Messages:
    261
    Location:
    Virginia, United States
    I have not, but I'll keep my eyes out. Like I said, I'm just particular like that, so ignore that particular complaint.

    I have been so very guilty of ellipses overuse in the past as well. :giggle:
     
    Phyrebrat likes this.
  3. Phyrebrat

    Phyrebrat ba-Ba-ba-brat

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2011
    Messages:
    2,849
    Location:
    In your bedroom wardrobe...
    .

    I wonder if 'strips' is s British variant as opposed to American. If so I'll have to change it which is a shame as strips refers to a theme I wanted to use :(

    pH
     
  4. Steven Sorrels

    Steven Sorrels Minister of Human-Banana Relations

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2016
    Messages:
    261
    Location:
    Virginia, United States
    Eh, I wouldn't worry too much about it. The meaning is clear in the context of the passage, so really it's just a nit-picky thing. You may be correct about the variation across the pond. I wouldn't know, being a damned Yank and all :ROFLMAO:
     
  5. The Judge

    The Judge Truth. Order. Moderation. Staff Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2008
    Messages:
    8,139
    Location:
    nearly the New Forest
    If anything, I'd have said it's more likely an Americanism -- I've never heard "strips" used for as either verb or noun in connection with being whipped (though "stripes" was common) and I've just checked with a couple of reputable dictionaries and neither includes it as one of the definitions.

    If the "strips" is only in the one contemporary journal, never forget that a) individuals may use words in a context which are unknown to the population at large, either because it's very local or a purely family saying and b) there's always the possibility of a mis-print or simple spelling error. I wouldn't worry about it, though. It's far enough along in the book not to cause concern that you don't know how to spell, so readers will give you the benefit of the doubt as to its being dialect.
     
    Phyrebrat and Steven Sorrels like this.
  6. StuartSuffers

    StuartSuffers The Truth shall set you "Weeeee!"

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2016
    Messages:
    594
    As I say, I think Brian G nailed it. I'd add that you have to trust your readers ability to fill in the blanks. No need to spoon feed. One of the golden rules applies here, 'less is often more'.
     
  7. Phyrebrat

    Phyrebrat ba-Ba-ba-brat

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2011
    Messages:
    2,849
    Location:
    In your bedroom wardrobe...
    Thanks for your comment , SS.

    pH
     
  8. The Big Peat

    The Big Peat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2016
    Messages:
    807
    I must echo the general praise for you have nailed it, save for the sentence with a semi-colon, dashes and an ellipsis. Even by my standards, thats a little too much ;)
     
    Phyrebrat likes this.
  9. JoanDrake

    JoanDrake Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,408
    I have one question, why is a "Union" Captain going to be in charge of a slave auction? Is this a different Union than the Civil War one?

    Other than that this is very well done, and even that is just a question
     
    Phyrebrat likes this.
  10. Phyrebrat

    Phyrebrat ba-Ba-ba-brat

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2011
    Messages:
    2,849
    Location:
    In your bedroom wardrobe...
    Thanks, Joan, and Peat, SS and TJ. Sorry I missed replying earlier. I'm blaming the festive period and pre-break performances if that's believable. :)

    Joan, when I was researching the use of forts as slaving auctions, I read a couple of extracts where this was the case. I thought it made an interesting backstory, but it is hardly crucial. I want to give the impression that Rocha is a dashing, Wellington-esque kind of figure. Army personnel seem to come with that pre-soaked, so I went that way. Additionally, Rocha is used as a sort of Bogeyman figure parents use to get their kids to sleep at night (although this is not something that is a major plot point, just a world-bulding background thing that is mentioned once). I thought the army connection would give him a fame or notoriety that would be implicit rather than having to invent a whole story why he was such a larger-than-life figure.

    pH
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2017
    The Big Peat likes this.
Loading...

Share This Page

Loading...