1865 - The Toolshed - 300 words

Phyrebrat

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#21
Thanks, Steven! That's good to know ;)

Have you read the short story Iverson's Pits by Dan Simmons? It's a great story.

As said upthread, strips is correct, too. I took it from an excerpt from a contemporary journal.

Yes, I am always overusing ellipses, semicolons and italics :eek:

pH
 

Steven Sorrels

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#22
Thanks, Steven! That's good to know ;)

Have you read the short story Iverson's Pits by Dan Simmons? It's a great story.

As said upthread, strips is correct, too. I took it from an excerpt from a contemporary journal.

Yes, I am always overusing ellipses, semicolons and italics :eek:

pH
I have not, but I'll keep my eyes out. Like I said, I'm just particular like that, so ignore that particular complaint.

I have been so very guilty of ellipses overuse in the past as well. :giggle:
 

Phyrebrat

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#23
I have not, but I'll keep my eyes out. Like I said, I'm just particular like that, so ignore that particular complaint.

I have been so very guilty of ellipses overuse in the past as well. :giggle:
.

I wonder if 'strips' is s British variant as opposed to American. If so I'll have to change it which is a shame as strips refers to a theme I wanted to use :(

pH
 

Steven Sorrels

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#24
.

I wonder if 'strips' is s British variant as opposed to American. If so I'll have to change it which is a shame as strips refers to a theme I wanted to use :(

pH
Eh, I wouldn't worry too much about it. The meaning is clear in the context of the passage, so really it's just a nit-picky thing. You may be correct about the variation across the pond. I wouldn't know, being a damned Yank and all :ROFLMAO:
 

The Judge

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#25
As said upthread, strips is correct, too. I took it from an excerpt from a contemporary journal.
I wonder if 'strips' is s British variant as opposed to American. If so I'll have to change it which is a shame as strips refers to a theme I wanted to use :(
If anything, I'd have said it's more likely an Americanism -- I've never heard "strips" used for as either verb or noun in connection with being whipped (though "stripes" was common) and I've just checked with a couple of reputable dictionaries and neither includes it as one of the definitions.

If the "strips" is only in the one contemporary journal, never forget that a) individuals may use words in a context which are unknown to the population at large, either because it's very local or a purely family saying and b) there's always the possibility of a mis-print or simple spelling error. I wouldn't worry about it, though. It's far enough along in the book not to cause concern that you don't know how to spell, so readers will give you the benefit of the doubt as to its being dialect.
 

Stuart Suffel

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#26
I agree pretty much with Brian G's assessment. anyway, here's my tuppence worth.


Calloway stared at the empty staging area of Fort Battery. The halved tree trunks forming the perimeter fence towered behind the platform, their points spearing the endless blue haze above. No one was going to get over those, but these fool n****** were tenacious and he’d not put it past them to start burrowing. After all, there were tales of the Volta ones living underground.

It wasn’t the slaves he was worried about, anyway; the new Administrator was an exacting son of a bitch who’d made demands on the layout of Fort Battery way before he was due to arrive. If the stories from Augusta were to be believed, the young ex-Union Captain was as likely to give him thirty strips just as much as the negroes. Not that he resented the appointment of the Administrator; he could do without the responsibility himself - the pleasure of flogging these animals had long worn off and now he just wished they’d behave - but since the law for the handling of human stock had been standardised, things were…what a dad-rat mess. {Nope. Way too tell-y., too distant from the character. Atmosphere can be powerful in itself, without the 'internal' thoughts reveal.}

He poured over the list of instructions sent by Captain Rocha some weeks ago. Everything had to be right. By all accounts the young captain was a ruthless bastard, as likely to put him to the lash as any negro. He glanced up at the severed tree trunks again. The breeze outside the barricade stirred up dust clouds that billowed over the top like a Springfield’s puff, but inside the fence was dead calm. It was as if the wind dare not blow over the (XXX, bit of a description of the fort here).

Maybe the change of scenery would calm them when they started arriving.

He laughed at the thought…

A bad sign...

He reached for a coffee cup. In a few hours he would know if the auction site passed muster. In a few hours he would fix his face and set his jaw. In a few hours he would meet Lázaro Rocha.

Lázaro. What kind of a Christian names their son Lázaro?
As I say, I think Brian G nailed it. I'd add that you have to trust your readers ability to fill in the blanks. No need to spoon feed. One of the golden rules applies here, 'less is often more'.
 

The Big Peat

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#28
I must echo the general praise for you have nailed it, save for the sentence with a semi-colon, dashes and an ellipsis. Even by my standards, thats a little too much ;)
 

JoanDrake

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#29
I have one question, why is a "Union" Captain going to be in charge of a slave auction? Is this a different Union than the Civil War one?

Other than that this is very well done, and even that is just a question
 

Phyrebrat

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#30
I have one question, why is a "Union" Captain going to be in charge of a slave auction? Is this a different Union than the Civil War one?

Other than that this is very well done, and even that is just a question
Thanks, Joan, and Peat, SS and TJ. Sorry I missed replying earlier. I'm blaming the festive period and pre-break performances if that's believable. :)

Joan, when I was researching the use of forts as slaving auctions, I read a couple of extracts where this was the case. I thought it made an interesting backstory, but it is hardly crucial. I want to give the impression that Rocha is a dashing, Wellington-esque kind of figure. Army personnel seem to come with that pre-soaked, so I went that way. Additionally, Rocha is used as a sort of Bogeyman figure parents use to get their kids to sleep at night (although this is not something that is a major plot point, just a world-bulding background thing that is mentioned once). I thought the army connection would give him a fame or notoriety that would be implicit rather than having to invent a whole story why he was such a larger-than-life figure.

pH
 
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