Fear Makes The Wolf Look Bigger

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Martin Gill

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1200 ish words here as the intro to a 6000 word short story I wrote earlier this year called Fear Makes the Wolf Look Bigger. Context is low fantasy, Dark Age inspired, leans heavily on Scottish folklore. I've re-edited it a little today since I first put it out on my blog, but I'm curious on people's thoughts. What I'm writing now has moved on in style and voice a little from this. I have a full draft of a novel in this same style that I'll also ask for some critique on, so I'm curious here about whether this works or not.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


The lass looked as sorry as can be.

Drenched. Nothing but a pale linen underdress to ward her from the drizzle, wet through, clinging to her skin. Straw blonde hair plastered lank to her face, all unbraided and tangled. She was shivering, looking desperate to hug herself warm, but the shackles on her wrists held her hands high above her head so she almost had to stand on tiptoes. Bare feet splattered with mud.

Kai trudged up the hill towards her.

She stopped a few paces short and stared for a while. Shook her head and hawked a glob of spit into the wet grass. She muttered old words in a tongue few cared to speak anymore before stepping between the low, weatherworn stones ringing the crown of the hill. She knew better than to risk upsetting the forgotten gods of the old places, no matter how weakened with neglect they may be nowerdays. A little respect goes a long way, or so the Druid taught her long ago.

“This is stupid.”

“Leave me alone.” The lass’s voice was reedy. You could hear the cold in her, the chatter of her teeth. But her eyes were defiant. She glared at Kai.

“No. You are coming with me.” Kai pulled a dirk from her belt. Steel glinted in the setting sun.

Down in the valley a wolf howled.

Kai froze.

“See,” said the lass. “Wolves are coming. You should run.”

Kai ignored the advice. She cocked her head on one side and listened, her mouth half open, eyes unfocused. The wolf howled again, mournful, dulled by the thick green pines lining the riverbank below. Something in the howl didn’t sound right.

“That ain’t no wolf.” Kai looked back at the girl, staring above her head to the shackles and to the heavy iron chain binding them to the stout wooden post. She looked down at the dirk in her hand and huffed. She slid the slim blade back into its sheath. “Couldn’t have used a rope, could they? They done you up good and proper.”

“That’s the point.” The lass glowered scornfully down at Kai.

“Don’t you want me to cut you free?”

“No. Just piss off and leave me to the wolf.”

Kai thrust her hands on her hips and gawped. Lost for words, but not for long. “You actually want to be sacrificed?”

“Yes. And you’re ruining it.”

“But…”

“But nothing. I’ll go to the Good Mother pure and cleansed and will be reborn blessed.”

“You don’t really? Do you? Really think that?” All Kai got in return was a glare. She went on undaunted. She’d faced worse. “You’re half naked, freezing cold, I can see everything the Good Mother gave you through what’s left of your dress and you’re as like to die from frostbite as from the wolf devouring you. Besides, there’s naught but gristle on you. I doubt he’d want you.”

Kai turned away and gazed back down the hill. Mist smeared the horizon, curling round the tips of the tall redwoods lining the burn. The faint rush of the river where it plunged over Carrac Falls. It was a long way back down the hill, and longer still if Kai returned without the lass.

The wolf howled again. Kai sighed.

“It’s coming.” The lass sounded petulant. Triumphant at being right.

“It’s not a wolf.” Kai didn’t look back. Her gaze never left the treeline far below. There, she saw it. No, not it. Them. Three figures broke cover, moving in a low, loping run. Shaggy mannish things with an awkward gait. Arms too long. Hard to make out much detail at this distance. They headed for the trail, switchbacking their way up the steep hill.

“Not wolves.”

Lost form sight, hidden by a jagged escarpment of rocks, jutting slabs thrust from purple-brushed heather stubble.

Kai turned back to the lass and shrugged the satchel off her back. Nimble fingers worked rawhide thongs. Unrolling a sheepskin, laying it out on the damp grass. Steel glinted within. Kai grabbed the hatchet, a short, wicked tool with a worn ash handle and a stubby blade.

“Hold still.” She reached up and grabbed the lass’s wrist with one hand, hammering the blunt face of the axe against the black iron hasp holding the shackles firm to the post. Sparks. The lass yelped in shock.

“Leave me.” The lass’s voice was shrill. Kai ignored her. Struck again. A sharp metal clang echoed. Howls from below in reply. Kai kept hitting until the hasp sheared. She snorted in satisfaction and grabbed the chain linking the shackles, hauling it free of the broken loop. The lass staggered forwards, bare feet skidding on slick grass. Kai held onto the chain, tugging at it so the lass didn’t fall.

“What do they call you?”

The lass thought about it for a heartbeat, looking as if she wanted to lie, or that her name was somehow precious, not to be given out to strangers lightly. “Ethnie.”

“Well Ethnie, can you fight?”

Ethnie’s eyes were black orbs. Her glance flicked to the hatchet in Kai’s hand.

“No.”

“Well learn.” Kai flipped the axe, catching it just below the head. She thrust it towards Ethnie, who shook her head. Held up her hands and rattled the chain bound tight to her willowy wrists. She made no motion to take the axe.

“Stay there.” Kai sighed and pointed to the post. “Don’t get killed.”

The howls were closer now. Hungry. Urgent.

Kai thrust the axe into her belt. She reached up and drew a thong from round her neck, pulling her matted braids together, tying them tight. Hand on the hilt of her sword. Her mother’s sword. It hissed into the air, a snake sound. Adder, it was named. Fast and deadly. Afternoon sun trapped in the whorled pattern-welds. Fine steel.

A deep breath.

No matter how many times she did this, her heart always hammered. She tried to remember what Anthon used to say, before he turned black-hearted traitor. Footwork and agility. Speed and poise. And what her Da used to tell her, though mostly he told her not to be such a damn fool and not to get into fights in the first place. But there was one lesson she clove to, one which always lived in her, an ember of hope when she faced such fell things.

Fear makes the wolf look bigger.

And so they came. Over the crest of the hill, spreading wide. Black and shaggy and howling. Panting from the run. Ethnie screamed. Kai grinned. Closer and closer. Then Ethnie’s voice, indignant. “They’re not animals.”

She was right. They weren’t.

“Oh they are,” said Kai. “Just not the kind you were expecting.”

Men. Three of them wrapped in wolf’s clothing. Flea-bitten furs lashed to their arms and legs. Crude masks of hessian and hide. Ears and teeth rent from real beasts to make mummer’s costumes. Blades in their hands and murder in their eyes.

They howled.
 
This is very good. Vivid, direct, the kind of style that doesn't call attention to itself but instead serves the story.

The only thing I stumbled over was the word "nowerdays." That may just be ignorance on my part. I presume it's an archaic form. Maybe "these days" would read more smoothly for someone like me. The other archaic phrasings flowed very well.
 
Felt good to me, flowed nicely. My very first impression was that Kai was weaker than I think you meant her to be, when she "froze" - I read that as fear, and so did the lass.

The only other thing is this fragment that didn't sound right to me; but that might just be me.
Bare feet splattered with mud
I think it's because it is a lonely fragment after a long sentence. Maybe here it should just be Her bare feet were splattered with mud.
 
I liked it, nice distinctive style, vivid description, and a slow reveal about what's actually going on. Just a couple of points:
nowerdays.
Nowadays is the modern spelling, unless that's an older/colloquial spelling?

“Well Ethnie, can you fight?”
Missing comma after "Well".

One tiny section really pulled me out of the story though:
Then Ethnie’s voice, indignant. “They’re not animals.”

She was right. They weren’t.

“Oh they are,” said Kai. “Just not the kind you were expecting.”
It's that middle line - "She was right. They weren't." - you then contradict yourself (via the character) in the very next line. Personally, I think it reads much better without that statement between the two characters speaking, it's just one character arguing with another.

Nice work.:)
 
Thank you all.

Gonk I think I agree about the animals line.

As for Kai being weak that's interesting. I do want a level of weakness/vulnerability to her, even though deep down she's a survivor. Kai is my main character in my full draft novel which is her coming of age story. This was meant As a follow on. I see her as tough, dangerous yet still young. Thrust into a world she kind of understands, but not completely. So I want a level of weakness and fear, but she knows how to pull through. Her mentors good and evil, have equipped her to survive, even if occasionally she does put see it that way.
 
The issue is, would she be showing that vulnerability in front of the other girl? It just felt contradictory to me to use the word froze.
 
It's not a bad piece, and I did like the descriptions. :)

The big criticism for me, though, is that anything we learn from Kai's POV is fairly superficial - we don't know why Kai is driven to following this course of action, what the stakes are, or any real tension from her. Yet surely these questions are integral to the scene?

It might only take a few sentences to correct this, but doing so would really ramp up the conflict in this scene, rather than Kai simply being there and doing something.

Also, the dialogue between Kai and the girl I'm not sure adds much to the scene - certainly the amount you have. The more the girl talks, the less weary and vulnerable she comes across. The more Kai talks, the less sense of urgency there seems.

2c.
 
I really rather enjoyed this. I won't do a line edit as others have picked up the clangers ("nowerdays" was the big one for me), but I thought it was tight, dramatic, and packed with nice imagery.

Having re-read it, I think Brian's right and that the slightest bit of exposition as to why Kai is there would give the piece more clarity; you wouldn't even have to go all info dump and explain the whole backstory, but even the merest thought from Kai about the job at hand would help - but honestly it reads great as it is.

Keep up the good work :)
 
Thanks.

I agree in hindsight on the sense of urgency/why Kai is there. Good point.

Interesting on the fact that Ethnie becomes less weak as the scene progresses. That's deliberate for a reason. I'd be happy if anyone wanted to read the full thing... It's only 6k words. But SPOILER... The back story is Kai is there to find a werewolf (or Wulver as it becomes in the story as that's the Scottish tradition) but over time she learns that Ethnie is the Wulver. A second Wulver has moved into her territory so Ethnie is fake sacrificing herself to draw the new wolf out. Kai interrupts and winds up embroiled in a battle between two wolves.

This came from an idea having written Kai through a whole novel about how would she react to someone who seemingly wanted to be sacrificed and not rescued.
 
Just looking back on the comments. I realise I spelled "nowerdays" wrongly but were people's objections to it because of the fact I spelled it incorrectly or because you found the phrase (assuming I spell it right) jarring? I'm not sure I 100% understand the feedback.

Everything else is clear, actionable and I take on board, so thank you all.
 
I realise I spelled "nowerdays" wrongly but were people's objections to it because of the fact I spelled it incorrectly or because you found the phrase (assuming I spell it right) jarring?
The spelling for sure. I can't speak for the others, but my guess would be it was the same for them, too.
 
Late to the party but nowerdays jumped out as misspelling of nowadays.
 
This is good, better than the last time I seen it. Cleaner. But....there's a few things. I'll just run through it. I've changed some sentences, you'll know which ones, and I've explained, generally speaking, why, in bold.


The lass looked as sorry (I know it's a Scottish anachronism /expression meaning pathetic, but it's a big ask to a non-Scot) as can be.

Drenched. Nothing but a pale linen underdress to ward her from the drizzle, wet through, clinging to her skin. Straw blonde hair plastered lank to her face, all unbraided and tangled. She was shivering, looking desperate to hug herself warm, but the shackles on her wrists held her hands high above her head so she almost had to stand on tiptoes. Her bare feet splattered were with mud. (The minimalist sentence form isn't logical here)

Kai trudged up the hill towards her.

She (Ok, we only know of one female at the moment, the 'lass'. Again, your assuming a reader will understand something that they logically cannot, i.e, that Kai is female, so this took me out of the story) stopped a few paces short and stared for a while. Shook her head and hawked a glob of spit into the wet grass. She muttered old words in a tongue few cared to speak anymore before stepping between the low, weatherworn stones ringing the crown of the hill. She knew better than to risk upsetting the forgotten gods of the old places, no matter how weakened with neglect they may be nowerdays (nowadays). A little respect goes a long way, or so the Druid taught her long ago. (nice, but too soon for exposition / comment/ internal dialogue) “This is stupid.” (If you add Kai's words here, it's clearer she is speaking. There is too great a risk of pushing a reader out of the story, if they have to figure out who is talking, what sex they are, etc.)

“Leave me alone.” The lass’s voice was reedy. You could hear the cold in her, the chatter of her teeth. But her eyes were defiant. She glared at Kai.

“No. You are coming with me.” Kai pulled a dirk from her belt. Steel glinted in the setting sun.(Chekhov is dead ;))

Down in the valley a wolf howled. Kai froze.

“See,” said the lass. “Wolves are coming. You should run.”

Kai ignored the advice. She cocked her head on one side and listened, her mouth half open, eyes unfocused. The wolf howled again, mournful, dulled by the thick green pines lining the riverbank below. Something in the howl didn’t sound right. (the pink part is telling, no need for it, her actions show us she has ignored the lass)

“That ain’t no wolf.” Kai looked back at the girl, staring above her head to the shackles and to the heavy iron chain binding them to the stout wooden post. She looked down at the dirk in her hand and huffed. She slid the slim blade back into its sheath. “Couldn’t have used a rope, could they? They done you up good and proper.”

“That’s the point.” The lass glowered scornfully down at Kai.

“Don’t you want me to cut you free?”

“No. Just piss off (piss off?. That took me out of this winter wolf setting a bit :))and leave me to the wolf.”

Kai thrust her hands on her hips and gawped. Lost for words, but not for long. “You actually want to be sacrificed?”

“Yes. And you’re ruining it.”

“But…”

“But nothing. I’ll go to the Good Mother pure and cleansed and will be reborn blessed.”

“You don’t really...think that? Do you?" Really think that?All Kai got in return was a glare. The girl spat on the ground. She went on undaunted. She’d faced worse. “You’re half naked, freezing cold, I can see everything the Good Mother gave you through what’s left of your dress and you’re as like to die from frostbite as from the wolf devouring you. Besides, there’s naught but gristle on you. I doubt he’d want you.” Kai turned away and gazed back down the hill. Mist smeared the horizon, curling round the tips of the tall redwoods lining the burn. The faint rush of the river where it plunged over Carrac Falls. It was a long way back down the hill, and longer still (why?) if Kai returned without the lass. The wolf howled again. Kai sighed. (We never sigh at howling wolves. We do when we know they're not wolves, but we, the reader, don't know that yet. Beware the sins of 'sigh'.

“It’s coming.” The lass sounded petulant. Triumphant at being right.

“It’s not a wolf.” Kai didn’t look back. Her gaze never left the treeline far below.('m confused by the physicality here. No need for this exactitude yet) Kai saw it. No, not it. Them. Three figures broke cover, moving in a low, loping run. Shaggy mannish things with an awkward gait. Arms too long. Hard to make out much detail at this distance. They headed for the trail, switchbacking their way up the steep hill. “Not wolves," she corrected herself.

Lost form sight, hidden by a jagged escarpment of rocks, jutting slabs thrust from purple-brushed heather stubble.(, er, say what? :))

Kai shrugged the satchel off her back and turned back to the lass (Clearer). Nimble fingers worked rawhide thongs. Unrolling a sheepskin, laying it out on the damp grass. Steel glinted within (This minimalism isn't earned. Not yet). Kai grabbed the hatchet, a short, wicked tool with a worn ash handle and a stubby blade. “Hold still.” She reached up and grabbed the lass’s wrist with one hand, hammering the blunt face of the axe against the black iron hasp holding the shackles firm to the post. Sparks. The lass yelped in shock. (we need her name NOW)

“Leave me.” The lass’s voice was shrill. (I know you're waiting to name the lass in a logical sequential way, but this is as far as you should go, not a sentence later, without naming her)Kai ignored her. Struck again. A sharp metal clang echoed. Howls from below in reply. Kai kept hitting until the hasp sheared. She snorted in satisfaction and grabbed the chain linking the shackles, hauling it free of the broken loop. The lass staggered forwards, bare feet skidding on slick grass. Kai held onto the chain, tugging at it so the lass didn’t fall.

“What do they call you?”

The lass thought about it for a heartbeat, looking as if she wanted to lie, or that her name was somehow precious, not to be given out to strangers lightly. “Ethnie.”

“Well Ethnie, can you fight?”

Ethnie’s eyes were black orbs. Her glance flicked to the hatchet in Kai’s hand.

“No.”

“Well learn.” Kai flipped the axe, catching it just below the head. She thrust it towards Ethnie, who shook her head. Held up her hands and rattled the chain bound tight to her willowy wrists. She made no motion to take the axe.

“Stay there.” Kai sighed and pointed to the post. “Don’t get killed.”

The howls were closer now. Hungry. Urgent.

Kai thrust the axe into her belt. She reached up and drew a thong from round her neck, pulling her matted braids together, tying them tight. Hand on the hilt of her sword. Her mother’s sword. It hissed into the air, a snake sound. Adder, it was named (let's name our weapons AFTER they've done some damage, hm? ;)). Fast and deadly (well, let's hope Kai is anyway, :D). Afternoon sun trapped in the whorled pattern-welds. Fine steel.
A deep breath.

No matter how many times she did this, her heart always hammered. She tried to remember what Anthon used to say, before he turned black-hearted traitor. Footwork and agility. Speed and poise. And what her Da used to tell her, though mostly he told her not to be such a damn fool and not to get into fights in the first place. But there was one lesson she clove to, one which always lived in her, an ember of hope when she faced such fell things.(This is a bad idea. We can learn that stuff down the road. We do not want that side-tracking exposition, just before an action scene. No we do not! :D)

Fear makes the wolf look bigger. (Great line, and the right time for it. Much more powerful without the preamble)

And so they came. Over the crest of the hill, spreading wide. Black and shaggy and howling. Panting from the run. Ethnie screamed. Kai grinned. Closer and closer. Then Ethnie’s voice, indignant. “They’re not animals.”

She was right. They weren’t.

“Oh they are,” said Kai. “Just not the kind you were expecting.”

Men. Three of them wrapped in wolf’s clothing. Flea-bitten furs lashed to their arms and legs. Crude masks of hessian and hide. Ears and teeth rent from real beasts to make mummer’s costumes. Blades in their hands and murder in their eyes.

They howled.


Overall. This is a good story, good setting of the scene, characters are reasonably clear, and we have an imminent threat. As I've said elsewhere, less is often more, and trust your audience. They don't need to know the name of swords, or what Da used to say - not when facing into three nasty opponents. All you need for now is a/ Characters and b/ An event. The rest you can develop later.
 
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Thanks for taking the time here. Good comments.

t. The rest you can develop later.

My only thought here is that this is a 6000 word story, not the opener of a novel. I don't have much time to establish character, etc. But I get your point.
 
Thanks for taking the time here. Good comments.



My only thought here is that this is a 6000 word story, not the opener of a novel. I don't have much time to establish character, etc. But I get your point.
There's still enough time Martin. You've got a good set-up, a nice unexpected twist (the piss off, lol), a nice further twist (men wolves) and an upcoming fight scene.

'tis enough.

And, to be honest, all that backstory doesn't really matter in a 6k story. You've got two good characters, an action, and an interesting hook. what you hoping for, Santa? Spielberg? Tony Soprano? (Those three are just a nonsense statement)
 
Fair point. Though I now want to write a story with Santa, Spielberg and Tony Soprano in it :)
 
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