My Pitch for Dynasty

[Cli-Fi]

Ok. I know I shouldn't really be working on this, but as I often have trouble telling people about what exactly my WIP is about, I feel I HAVE to work on it. This is the barebones of the story and some background on what caused me to write it.

The story so far:

When the 200-mile-long San Andreas Bridge suddenly vanishes from underneath time-data manipulator Henry Wilson, he finds himself hanging off the cliff of the California Coastline. There’s panic all around him and after a young woman helps him up, together they witness, the single greatest cosmic event in history; The Great Temporal Displacement!

Because he is a time traveler Henry Wilson knows all about the strange history of the Temporal Displacement, and he knows that a new industry is about to be born, ripe for the taking. As the world begins to change thanks to time travel technology. He can’t avoid falling in love with his young rescuer, who just so happens to be the heir to a trillion-dollar Nano-construction empire. Still unsure of who sent him there or why, Henry suddenly realizes that his future is in the past and he vows to change the treacherous history of what he knows is bound to come…

Now I am not sure if this should be a part of my pitch at all. Does it help get people thinking about the book or is the story itself enough???

This novel explores how a society would operate if time travel were as commonplace as the cellphone. What would be the laws in such a place? Would scientific discovery be at its peak or bogged down by petty politics? Would there even be religion? What would the people talk about as they read tomorrow’s newspaper today and await the horrible news that they know for certain is coming?

 

[cyberpunkdreams]

You'd do well to read The Stars My Destination if you haven't already -- it deals incredibly well with the social implications of a similarly disruptive technology becoming commonplace. Another book that does this very well is Altered Carbon.

 

[Cli-Fi]

You'd do well to read The Stars My Destination if you haven't already -- it deals incredibly well with the social implications of a similarly disruptive technology becoming commonplace. Another book that does this very well is Altered Carbon.

Yes, I've read Altered Carbon, but never heard of The Stars My Destination. It does sound very similar to my novel. I'll have to check it out, when I get the chance just to make sure things aren't too similar. From the pitch does it sound similar to you? I never really saw my novel as a cyberpunk because it's more mystical and fantasy rather than techy. The Temporal Displacement is rather a mysterious event/left over residue and humans basically learn how to control it rather than machines just created by humans due to natural progression.

 

[DZara]

Now I am not sure if this should be a part of my pitch at all. Does it help get people thinking about the book or is the story itself enough???

I like the premise of your story, and the pitch. It does catch my interest, speaking as a reader. I like the attention to both the larger macro world of society as well as the micro - the potential relationships within the story.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I like the premise of your story, and the pitch. It does catch my interest, speaking as a reader. I like the attention to both the larger macro world of society as well as the micro - the potential relationships within the story.

Thanks for liking it, I have some of the story floating around here if you'd want to see some early drafts, but it's far from that point now. I've been working on this thing for 7 years now.

 

[SciFrac]

Don't include that last paragraph in a query. Agents want to see you demonstrate your story telling prowess in the pitch, not as some vague summary. Character, stakes, and conflict. That's all you need. And avoid hypothetical questions at all costs. Agents usually hate them, from what I understand.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Honestly, I don't think it's snappy enough for a query - the first paragraph is all worldbuilding.

Tell me

Who your protagonist is
What he must acheive
What stands in his way
What could happen if he fails.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

A wonderful piece of advice I received when writing my blurb recently was: decide what your book's vibe is.

What is the primary emotion your readers are going to feel as they read to the book?

Write to portray the emotion and the vibe rather than tell the story. Also find one snappy sentence that will grab the reader to start with. It really helped me to forget about telling the story, but somehow I did.

 

[cyberpunkdreams]

Yes, I've read Altered Carbon, but never heard of The Stars My Destination. It does sound very similar to my novel. I'll have to check it out, when I get the chance just to make sure things aren't too similar. From the pitch does it sound similar to you? I never really saw my novel as a cyberpunk because it's more mystical and fantasy rather than techy. The Temporal Displacement is rather a mysterious event/left over residue and humans basically learn how to control it rather than machines just created by humans due to natural progression.

Don't worry, it's nothing similar to your idea (although it's an all time classic so still worth reading). It's just an excellent treatment of how a completely disruptive technology could affect society.

...who just so happens to be the heir to a trillion-dollar Nano-construction empire.

This bit does sound bizarrely cheesy...

 

[Jennifer L. Carson]

What is the primary emotion your readers are going to feel as they read to the book?

I really like that advice. I tell people at the conventions I speak at that the main point of fiction is to evoke reader emotion (and thus engagement). This advice is really on the money for my way of thinking.

That said, I'm confused about the purpose of this "pitch" because it reads to me more like a blurb than a pitch. So it this the writing you want to use to snare the publisher/editor? Or is it what you would put up on Amazon to get readers to buy it? I've been told that they are two different things. And would this be for a cover letter inquiry or would it be more for the pitch, which I've read can be longer? Here is what I've read a person shopping a novel needs:

1. a tag line (the elevator pitch, the catchy one(ish) line that is short enough for you to memorize and rattle off)
2. a cover letter (contains enough information to get them to read the synopsis/pitch or ask to see the manuscript if they don't take #3)
3. the pitch (length can vary greatly from one page and up, but three pages is what I see most as a target)
4. the blurb (this is the enticement to readers to get them to buy)

 

[Cli-Fi]

A wonderful piece of advice I received when writing my blurb recently was: decide what your book's vibe is.

What is the primary emotion your readers are going to feel as they read to the book?

Write to portray the emotion and the vibe rather than tell the story. Also find one snappy sentence that will grab the reader to start with. It really helped me to forget about telling the story, but somehow I did.

I seem to have a problem with way too much telling, I guess I need to work on the emotion but as I am only halfway done with the story. I guess I'm not so sure what the emotion is yet. Maybe that's been my problem from the start. Because I am trying to fit all this into what I want to explore in the world I created. I guess I'll just have to see where the story takes me.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I seem to have a problem with way too much telling, I guess I need to work on the emotion but as I am only halfway done with the story. I guess I'm not so sure what the emotion is yet. Maybe that's been my problem from the start. Because I am trying to fit all this into what I want to explore in the world I created. I guess I'll just have to see where the story takes me.

How does the story make you feel? I had a difficult balance with Black's Nest because other people pick up on humour that isn't always deliberate on my part. Apparently my tone is dry humour and snark but the story is dark (it's about the kidnap of a baby and domestic abuse). Boneman wrote Mayhem's blurb (my first book) for me. I tweaked it later.

With the help of a mentor and the above advice Black's Nest went from:

When furious fairies and demented demons kidnap Ian Black's great-grandson they provoke a man with the temper of a wild boar.
The police investigation into Ian's missing great-grandson is going nowhere, so the retired senior police officer and patriarch of the large Black family goes in search of Little Tyke himself.

He enlists the help of his second son, psychiatrist John Black. John serves as a surgeon to the Hundred Hill Faction, an organisation dedicated to helping rebel fairies who are fighting against their Queen Elva and her demon-run torture chambers. As they search for Little Tyke he struggles to keep his secret identity from his father.

They uncover a dusty old tome containing their family tree. The book reveals they are descended from a fairy or two, a handful of demons and a long, long line of demons hunters. Ian decides his ancestors were a bunch of nut cases. John must help him accept the truth, because Ian will need his demon hunter powers to rescue Little Tyke.

to this:

Boredom is the most powerful force on any world.

Ian Black is bored in retirement.

The fairies are bored with the toxic wasteland that the British Government has exiled them to. All they need is one more human sacrifice and they will be free to rule the human world.

When they choose Ian Black’s great-grandson they provoke a man with the temper of a wild boar and all the time in any world for revenge. The former senior police officer and confirmed realist goes in search of the infant. He uncovers evidence of the paranormal and fantastical. To save his great- grandson Ian must accept that fairy stories are real.

 

[Cli-Fi]

How does the story make you feel? I had a difficult balance with Black's Nest because other people pick up on humour that isn't always deliberate on my part. Apparently my tone is dry humour and snark but the story is dark (it's about the kidnap of a baby and domestic abuse). Boneman wrote Mayhem's blurb (my first book) for me. I tweaked it later.

With the help of a mentor and the above advice Black's Nest went from:

When furious fairies and demented demons kidnap Ian Black's great-grandson they provoke a man with the temper of a wild boar.
The police investigation into Ian's missing great-grandson is going nowhere, so the retired senior police officer and patriarch of the large Black family goes in search of Little Tyke himself.

He enlists the help of his second son, psychiatrist John Black. John serves as a surgeon to the Hundred Hill Faction, an organisation dedicated to helping rebel fairies who are fighting against their Queen Elva and her demon-run torture chambers. As they search for Little Tyke he struggles to keep his secret identity from his father.

They uncover a dusty old tome containing their family tree. The book reveals they are descended from a fairy or two, a handful of demons and a long, long line of demons hunters. Ian decides his ancestors were a bunch of nut cases. John must help him accept the truth, because Ian will need his demon hunter powers to rescue Little Tyke.

to this:

Boredom is the most powerful force on any world.

Ian Black is bored in retirement.

The fairies are bored with the toxic wasteland that the British Government has exiled them to. All they need is one more human sacrifice and they will be free to rule the human world.

When they choose Ian Black’s great-grandson they provoke a man with the temper of a wild boar and all the time in any world for revenge. The former senior police officer and confirmed realist goes in search of the infant. He uncovers evidence of the paranormal and fantastical. To save his great- grandson Ian must accept that fairy stories are real.

Wow thanks for the great advice. Your first example seems to be the same style as my blurb right now. I will have to tweak this in order to make it look like the second option.
I guess the emotions of my story is obsession with time travel and mystery/grief (after the fact). There is also a heavy theme of politics and corruptness in the novel as the Wilson's build their empire using the technology they claimed to loathe.

I plan this to be a trilogy because what the MC is doing is not necessarily legal and there are points in the three books where he knows this as well as points when he doesn't. The second book will be the aftermath of what he has done to the timeline and how that changes everything.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Wow thanks for the great advice. Your first example seems to be the same style as my blurb right now. I will have to tweak this in order to make it look like the second option.
I guess the emotions of my story is obsession with time travel and mystery/grief (after the fact). There is also a heavy theme of politics and corruptness in the novel as the Wilson's build their empire using the technology they claimed to loathe.

I plan this to be a trilogy because what the MC is doing is not necessarily legal and there are points in the three books where he knows this as well as points when he doesn't. The second book will be the aftermath of what he has done to the timeline and how that changes everything.

I also read a pile of blurbs and sorted them into ones that grabbed me and the ones that didn't. This time the Book Thief, although it's a different genre, really sang to me which is why I wrote in the short sentences. It gave it the tone I wanted.