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New opening - YA SF

Discussion in 'Critiques' started by Jo Zebedee, Apr 21, 2016.

  1.  
    TitaniumTi

    TitaniumTi Well-Known Member

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    How much of the body's persona does the alien take on? If it only adopts the body's knowledge and raw sensation, then I'm not sure that perceptions and responses like "mellow" and "savour" quite fit. ("Warm" is okay, I think, because that's a simple physical sensation.)

    If it absorbs some emotion and thought, you might add some tension between its perceptions and its body's perceptions. For example, perhaps it coldly kills the body's mother, then is ambushed by alien-to-it emotions of grief and horror.

    On the whole, though, I loved the excerpt.
     
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  2.  
    Jo Zebedee

    Jo Zebedee Come away, oh human child - Waters and the Wild

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    It takes on a glamour, I suppose. But it's intelligent within that and has access to memories to guide those sensations.
     
  3.  
    Adam Stubbings

    Adam Stubbings Active Member

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    A lot of short, snappy sentences, giving the piece a choppy feel, other than that I would be interested to see how this develops. I can see the frustration over the it it it repetition but if this is where that stops, or at least the level of usage throughout the rest of your work, I don't see a problem with it.
     
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  4.  
    VKALFIERI

    VKALFIERI Well-Known Member

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    Feeling critty today. Found this and had some observations.

    I'd actually read on, though I question using It. It does kinda slow the story down a little, having to think about whether the It is referring to the character or is just the word it.

    Why not just give the character a name?
     
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  5.  
    Jo Zebedee

    Jo Zebedee Come away, oh human child - Waters and the Wild

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    Thank you all! When I revisit this I'll have a good think about all the points raised. :)
     
  6.  
    TonyHarmsworth

    TonyHarmsworth Well-Known Member

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    The very first word also being 'it' is where the problem might lie. Maybe rework the first sentence to, literally, get rid of it. The others are then intriguing.
     
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