When teenage girl, Jupiter Jones, is informed that she is actually the genetic heir of a galactic empire, she will end up drifting from CGI set to CGI set, doing nothing, and making no difference to the plot.
Soon she will be offered three options - join with the evil sister who wants to liquefy her, the evil brother who wants to marry her and then kill her, or the evil brother who just wants to kill her. Jupiter Jones will mindlessly agree to each - until someone interrupts, giving her a chance to realise that she's a complete waste of oxygen.
Meet someone called Caine, a kind of space marine with magic flying ice skates, who will move from one CGI action sequence to another, none of which really make any sense. Watch him shoot guns, use a magic shield, and use his magic roller blades to fight bad guys who either look like Daedroth from Oblivion, or like cast rejects from the 1980 film version of Flash Gordon.
Watch as they ultimately battle against Eddie Redmayne, who acts his heart out to try and give a one dimensional villain more than one dimension. Except that he whispers through all of his scenes, making it impossible to hear his woefully scripted dialogue - unless you turn up the volume and become instantly deafened by the 200 decibels used for Channing Tatum's scenes immediately before or after.
Watch the Wachowski Brothers continue their descent into mediocrity with a script that could only have been developed when too drunk to hold more than two coherent words together.
Watch as the special effects team do their utmost to blow hundreds of millions of dollars in a film that exists solely to showcase their abilities to do explosions, laser blasts, and non-iconic space ships that don't really do anything.
Rejoice as the film ends, and Jupiter Jones - now Queen of the Universe - forsakes her galactic dominions to clean toilets, allowing the rest of the human population on Earth to continue to be harvested in order to make space gods look young.
Jupiter Ascending - making Jar Jar Binks look like a complex and highly developed character.
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Really. I watched it, back when it came out, and ..... I can't remember it! Even reading this fine capsulization... it just... went away.
