Three-Legged Improv

[THX1138]

I've only skyed downhill professionally Dan, but never with contestants throwing questions at me!
Well, that's the challenge Flapping Falcon, so to help you out here's a joystick!
If I knew about these, I would have used it in them to win the Olympics!

water balloon, pilot, suspense

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

First officer Jubbalaw Planethop glanced nervously over at the man piloting their Interplanetary Rocketship.
‘The Martians are firing water balloon at us captain, this is my first time running the Earth blockade and I don’t mind saying I’m terrified -do these Rocketships often explode?’
‘Not at all Jubbalaw,not at all, just relax -they only ever explode once, wait and you’ll see that I’m right.’

Trowel, chiropodist, documentary

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Mr Wall told us that a trowel was used to perform delicate surgery on his broken foot which was then cast in cement rather than plaster. Furthermore, he was later sent home in a wheelbarrow instead of the customary wheelchair. We caught up with Dr Mason outside his surgery but he declined to be interviewed, swearing and striking our cameraman before driving off in a white van.

Sink, social media company's new owner, farce

 

[therapist]

Raj was proud of his new sink, and everyday uploaded new photos of his sink to Instagram. His account—Raj's sink—went so viral that he quickly became the most influecial Instagrammer in Instagram's history. With his new wealth he quickly acquired Facebook, Twitter, Snapchap, and finally Instagram itself, heralding a new era of sink focussed social media.

Concrete, con artist, school

 

[THX1138]

Looking to start a new career in the exciting world of concrete mixing, but don’t want to deal with the hassle of going to a trade school?

Then enroll in Aquamac’s school of Cementing where you will be part of our Italian VR class in authentic Roman concrete mixing at our Italian campus.

And if you pay your tuition in full upon enrolment, we’ll send you 100lbs of our specialty imported Italian concrete mix to get you going on your first course, Making Your Own Pair of Designer Concrete Shoes.

blender, dog groomer, comedy mystery

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Madame Fifi of Marseilles (née Shirley Blinski of the Bronx) stirred a soupçon of Chanel Number Five into the hypoallergenic shampoo in the blender, set it to stir, and watched the fragrant mixture bubble up merrily. Sir Thrackmorton von Woo-Woo, a Pekinese of unsullied pedigree, waited patiently for his weekly full body bath and massage. That was when two men wearing Donald Trump masks burst into the salon, grabbed the precious pooch, dropped a ransom note on von Woo-Woo's satin pillow, and ran off before Shirley could hit the off button, filling the floor with a very expensive wet mess.

bottle of whiskey, telegraph operator, Western

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Dash, dash, dot, splot, dash, dot, an before you say it, that splot is no mistake -Heindrick Gonzales may have been a thundering alcoholic, but he recorded every message perfect an never made a mistake in his life.'

'It just don't seem right, I'm full sure that should be Dash, dot, dot, dash, dash, dot ...an anyways, didn't the whiskey soaked fool just die trying to sneak up on Trigger from behind.'

'Now that there was no mistake, you can bet the ranch Trigger meant to kick him in the head.'

Shoe, Upholsterer, Crime reenactment

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Shoe, Upholsterer, Crime reenactment

"It's all right, I'm a trained stunt sofa," said the Sofa.

The police officer delivered a roundhouse kick to the left-hand seat back with his size 10 Jimmy Choo, and the upholsterer leaned in for a better look at the results. "Uncanny," she said, "it pefectly matches the imprint on the victim."

Guitar, burglar, horror.

 

[THX1138]

The guitar fell as the burglar entered the house, sounding a distinctive D major cord as it hit the floor.
As the burglar walked down the hallway, the sounds of a tuning guitar came ever nearer behind him.
Tuning soon became Flamenco, causing the burglar to panic and turn to see, "Attack of the Flying Flamenco Guitar!"

Bobblehead, Computer Programmer, Si-Fi Thriller

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

‘Dammit I’m a programmer, not a theologian -the question demands a clear boolean response.’
Starship technician Burt McKay briefly regretted taking the holo-pill, before once more staring at the plastic Jesus glued to the shuttle dashboard and begging for divine intervention.
The statue’s head wobbled from left to right, up and down, and finally from left to right again.

Remote control, Urologist, Soap opera

 

[THX1138]

I hope you don't mind me doing your urology exam with this remote control as I am on a date with you wife's twin sister.
I do mind, Dr; I didn't know my wife had a twin sister?
Neither did I, and I have more bad news for you.

Pocket Calculator, House Painter, Crime Drama

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Inspector Gungalon turned to the jury and held up a pocket calculator as evidence. ‘Let the jury know that Fr. Foggendiglebantalooganpurgletrank trained as an accountant, and would know full well the cost of the stolen paint,’ he announced.

‘Nonsense’, replied Fr. Foggendiglebantalooganpurgletrank, ‘Mr. Colourdawallin told me that paint was on the house, and I already know how many pockets I have, which by the way is seven.’

3 amp fuse, telephonist, space opera

 

[THX1138]

Yes, my galactic armada is in need of Draconian 3amp fuses for our ray guns, and I was wondering if you had a sales rep there that could help me so that I may complete my conquest of the Galaxy?

Sorry your Lordship; our Draconian sales rep has left for the day, but I'll connect you to our Klingon rep who will be more than happy to assist you in your needs and that of your galactic endeavors.

Klingon technology is in line with that of our Draconian tech, and I shall gladly forge an alliance with your inferior Klingon rep in order to lure him into a false sense of hello, hello?

Xenomorph, Veterinarian, Greek Comedy

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Xenomorph, Veterinarian, Greek Comedy

CHORUS: For see! the bogus Vetinarios,
His crude facade of knowledge has been punctured!
As have the ribs of Alcibiades' steed -
That lackwit thought the creature was a lobster!

Librarian, watering can, thriller.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

I initially thought I'd hit a dead end when I couldn't find any books on paranoia, but fate responded to my roar of anguish. 'Tsk, they're right behind you', shushed the librarian. Eventually I discovered the whole thing was true -commercial airliners had indeed been lacing their contrails with LSD, like a thousand giant watering cans sprinkling their lie on humanity.

Geologist, penknife, fitness video.

 

[Cthulhu.Science]

Geologist, penknife, fitness video.
Follow me, Geologist Dr. William Dyer as we get in shape for miles of ice caves in an exotic Antarctic necropolis. Ok, now, penknife thrusts; get that shoggoth right where it hurts; and a one and a two...

Janitor, dog whistle, Icelandic Heroic Journey

 

[THX1138]

The Janitor completed his quest to gain the enchanted item he needed, his employment being The Nordic School of Fish Cleaning.

He held forth the golden Whistle of the Dog, and with a mighty shrill called forth the hounds of war that came in from the hills and cleaned the mess, that being from the first day of class.

With full bellies the hounds bid farewell, leaving the Janitor to enjoy a hero’s nap with bucket and mop unused.

Fountain Pen, Seamstress, Shakespearian

 

[FearAndLoathing]

Enter Marilyn the aging seamstress and Puck the fairy.

MARILYN: Oh i sew and work, as day turns to night and night turns to day, as the years wax and wane and my life flows its way.

But my heart longs for the pen, for paper and for ink, i long to write poems, to write songs and to sing.

PUCK (sinisterly): My lady, my dear, my fellow and my friend, i have an barter for you perhaps, a thing to try before the end.

---

i haven't read more than two pages of shakespeare and never seen a play in my life.

Anyway.

Skin, Thief, Absurdist Comedy

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'So what if those buccaneers took your self esteem ensign, you're going to have to develop a thick ear if you want to survive onboard this galleon.'

'Don't you mean develop a thick skin captain?'

'I would, if now was last Tuesday morning, but unfortunately those same pirates stole our word for epidermis later that day.'

Crampon, waiter, Superhero origin story

 

[FearAndLoathing]

Jaques the waiter huffed, zipped up his puffy coat and tightened the straps on his crampons and picked up his serving platter, the locals didn't have any trouble with the weather but he did.

Inner paris was a lovely city on the inner core of the earth known for its cosmopolitan fashion industry, rampant but somehow popular crime syndicates, and its forty below zero arctic weather.

The reason he moved out into this snowy hellhole was a dream, a specific dream that said that if he took this job, knocked over this can of peas then he'd save countless lives and prevent great suffering as long as he served the right man the right dish, if the man with the mutton chops was out on the terrace today then he knew his dreams where real, if not he could afford a ticket home.

---

kind of feel like i'm stretching the definition of a single sentence a bit far with that last one.

paracompass, archivist, sword and sorcery