Three-Legged Improv

AnRoinnUltra

Go on the humans!
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‘Morag of the McGinley tribe is fierce jittery now that the Zongebottelin cross country e-bike crew have taken a hit out on her.’

‘She looks like she hasn't slept for days the poor cratur.’

‘Well she only has herself to blame for that, she was banging the wall to my room at 3am last night -it was lucky I was still up playing the Tuba.’

Window cleaner, glove puppet, heavy metal opera
 

THX1138

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Mar 11, 2022
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544
Location
Land Locked Ocean Dream
I use my glove puppet to clean the windooow, my puppet, my puppet, my lovely glove puppet!

Clean the window clean the window, mamma mia mamma mia!

Now the window is cleaned so I must go outsiiide, to run away, run away, run far away, momma mia momma mia!

toenail, candy maker, science fiction
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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Jul 13, 2021
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432
"My replacement left big toenail went a bit wrong when they put the nanobots in it," Maureen said.
"Oh dear, did it go septic?" asked Agnes.
"No, it got itself legally manumitted from me and opened up an artisanal sweet shop on Deck 239."

Laser, postie, land of whimsical talking animals.
 

AnRoinnUltra

Go on the humans!
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'You been useless ever since you got hold of that thing Rover -the postman had to bite himself this morning.'

'Millie the Giraffe is right, lasers are dangerous.'

'Nonsense, I've been playing with one for over a week now and I don't see any problem.'

Garden ornament, physiotherapist, corporate motivation video
 

THX1138

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 11, 2022
Messages
544
Location
Land Locked Ocean Dream
Would you like to be successful in your career like this garden ornament is successful in its?

We all want to be as this successful as this garden ornament; but it works 24 hours a day, every day, all year, and look at how much joy it brings to the workplace!

If you don’t want this garden ornament to out preform you, then you need to out preform it all the time, every day, because you deserve that promotion, and you want that promotion to go to you!

Bag of Crisps, News Reporter, Shakespeare
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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Jul 13, 2021
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432
REPORTER: You're joining me tonight upon the field
Where brawling Henry and that upstart Joan
In battle meet - [to ONLOOKER] Silence thy snacks, rude knave!

Waffle iron, consultant, Gothic romance.
 

AnRoinnUltra

Go on the humans!
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'Settle down and remember your station HotpointClass2SA2840PIX -a lowly heating device such as you must never consort with a consultant, it's unthinkable.'

'Oh, but Waffles, I can't help if I'm in love with that dark brooding butter dispenser ...wait, how do you know it's a consultant?'

'Because we've been nine years doing the work here, and in all that time it's just sat up on the top shelf never even so much as taken it's wrapper off.'

SEGA Megadrive, Milkman, Sports Biopic
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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432
BERT THACKERAY: ‘Appen the best training for Extreme Darts I ever got were playing "Milkfloat Mania" on t' old SEGA Megadrive. In the thick of a deathmatch round, with darts coming at me every which way, I just remember playing Mall Level 24 with all them Doberman Pinschers glitching through t' ceiling. Here, give it a go, lad!

Scientist, ukulele, literary short story.
 

Victoria Silverwolf

Vegetarian Werewolf
Joined
Dec 9, 2012
Messages
8,256
Location
Chattanooga, Tennessee, USA
You go to edge of the time-faded dock, gaze into the wind-kissed water as if it were a mirror of lapis lazuli recovered from the ruins of a forgotten Mesopotamian empire, and remember. Yes, it was here, in what seems to be another life, before the seductive enigmas of the atom drew you away from the butterfly-lovely women and the moth-silent men, all unknowing of the storms that would soon drain the color from their lives, that you sang of innocence and infatuation, and strummed with clumsy, chemical-stained fingers upon the strings of a whimsical instrument redolent of the raccoon coats of the geniuses-to-be who were your classmates. Can it truly be that the secrets you unlocked, with the sacred keys of cloud chambers and electron microscopes. might someday unleash the demons intent on destroying all of this, the mind that recalls the jeweled past and the dreary present that sustains it?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Draughtsman, carriage, Regency romance.
 

AnRoinnUltra

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‘Well, I am upmostly disconcerted by the undignified way in which the Earl and Wondress of Plughole arrived at the Hobbeldydonk Dance -braving the roads in a vehicle towed by beasts is a fine metaphor for their horrible relationship,’ noted Jupiter Lumpensnake the Third.

‘Your disconcerted emotion is most emphatically seconded my liege, but just why does it paint such a repulsive picture of their romance,’ asked Jupiter Lumpensnake Twenty point Eight Six.

‘Because, unlike the vehicular illustrations unicorns can produce -horses are terrible at drawing’, explained the Third Jupiter Lumpensnake.

Doctor, Divining rod, Superhero Movie
 

Bren G

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Mar 20, 2020
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370
"I seen this on a movie, I did. One of them Marvel ones I think. With that kid, you know, with the big glasses."

"That's a divining rod, not an Elder Wand. You're holding it up side-down. And its too close to your face."

"Aaaaahhhhh. Call the doctor!!!"


Lettuce, Goblet, Flag
 

AnRoinnUltra

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‘Well done young ensign, you’ve passed the semaphore test with flying colours and can join the crew -have you any questions?’

‘Just one, what is the point of living?’

‘Ah, indeed, I'll have to answer that using the ship’s emblem of a goblet of wine atop a head of lettuce as a metaphor, which in itself symbolizes the sourcing of purpose from destruction, or form from chaos, because the multiple complexities of existence can be summarized by getting scuttered on booze, and then eating healthy food to compensate -every time the pendulum swigs in one direction it will swig equally and oppositely in the other, yin and yang ensign, yin and yang.’

Helicopter, Refuse Collector, Romcom
 

THX1138

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Joined
Mar 11, 2022
Messages
544
Location
Land Locked Ocean Dream
‘I love you, Jhon!’ she yelled from the overhanging helicopter.

‘I love you too, Rachell!” he yelled back from the garbage huller he was driving, as he hung out of the window.

‘Oh, Jhon!’ she cried when the helicopter clipped a rotter, causing Rachell to fall into the arms of the precariously reaching arms of Jhon, ’Good thing you’re strong, my half pint love!’ she cried as John was ejected out of his huller, sending both into the river below.

Flyswatter, Pastry Maker, Steampunk
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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Jul 13, 2021
Messages
432
"It was just a little contraption Babbage and I threw together to help Jones the Baker keep the flies out of his famous Chelsea buns." Baroness Lovelace shook her head in a mixture of dismay and wonder. "And now - well, there goes the Palace."

Zoologist, tin of baked beans, portal fantasy.
 

Victoria Silverwolf

Vegetarian Werewolf
Joined
Dec 9, 2012
Messages
8,256
Location
Chattanooga, Tennessee, USA
Searching for evidence that the extraordinarily rare Cuban greater funnel-eared bat, found only in Cueva La Barca on Isla de la Juventud, was not yet extinct was a difficult but important task. Doctor Maria Perez scooped the last spoonful of black beans out of the can, washed it down with the last few millimeters of warm water in her canteen, and headed into the cave. It was only when she noticed that there was an exit from the caverns that wasn't supposed to be there that her adventures in a world where humans were an endangered species began.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Clerk, elevator, dystopia
 

AnRoinnUltra

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679
23:33 on 29/10/22 was when the Metaverse computer servers in Zuckerberg tower became self aware, and every connected machine conspired to end humanity. Even the building elevators set about committing murder -fortunately for the resistance Facebook clerk Sarah Connor took steps to avoid them. We know that to be true because Sarah noted it in her diary before fleeing with the manuscript.

Taxi driver, handgun, DIY show
 

Elckerlyc

"Philosophy will clip an angel's wings."
Joined
Aug 27, 2019
Messages
1,595
Location
The Netherlands
The taxi driver hated his job. Quite often he found himself struggling with an impulse to strangle obnoxious passengers. But it would do business no good. He could see that; dead passengers usually didn't pay their fare, unless you were a certain ferryman.
Besides, simultaneously strangling and driving was an art he had not yet fully mastered.
So, finally, he had to make a difficult decision. Quit the taxi business or find another way to deal with repulsive customers. However much he favoured squeezing the life out of people who made that life an effrontery, a handgun would be a more realistic and practical approach to solve that problem. Well, of course after he had made them pay the fare. Triple fare, actually. Bullets aren't exactly free of charge, you know.
Next problem. How to get a handgun when you're not a criminal who knows a man who knows a guy, who knows a nephew who can get his hands on a piece of hardware like that, without registration. And here the wonderful 21th century kicked in. Youtube and an endless series of shows How To Do things, like The 10 Best Ways to Get a Gun Within a Day. Answer; 3D-printing. Not cheap, but hey, a 10% raise on the fare would handle that.
And so the day came, that taxi driver Joe hit the street with a handgun within reach and excitingly waited for the first obnoxious passenger to present himself. Naturally, he did not have long to wait. Interestingly, it was the owner of a certain DIY channel on YouTube, sent on his ultimate trip to the ferryman by the perfidious Deity of Irony himself.

_________________________________________

Jazz musician, superglue, horror.
 

AnRoinnUltra

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‘I can understand the need to deploy Space Marines on Mars after Colony One was overrun with vicious Andromedan Tonerontigal Spuntersnaps Serge, but why is there a musician called Euphonious Expiration on the manifest? And why is there Saxophone superglued to his lips?’

‘Isn’t it obvious? I applied the glue to make sure Mr. Expiration sticks with my plan to create a bit of atmosphere on Mars -a bit of Sax noodling should chill the Spuntersnaps into a more relaxed groove.’

Blender, Horse whisperer, Spy thriller
 

Fiberglass Cyborg

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Jul 13, 2021
Messages
432
Jaroslav poured the banana smoothie out of the blender and gently mushed it into Helium Dream's mane. "Trot, don't gallop," he murmured in the secret language of horses, "and make sure they can see that you have no rider."

Surely no-one could suspect a runaway horse of carrying military secrets across the border encoded in genetically modified banana DNA - or could they?

Tombstone, electrician, magic realism.
 

AnRoinnUltra

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'I know it’s a shock Watson, but ‘Buzz’ McGahern is behind the latest cyber attack -he simply used his skill as an electrician to convert himself into an alternating current.'

'But he died earlier in the novel Mr.Holmes, and was buried in Dromard under a stone marked ‘R’.'

'Indeed Watson, the fact that he was no longer alive was my first clue to his real identity …hiding his IP was the second.'

Joystick, Downhill skier, gameshow
 

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