Three-Legged Improv

[Alex The G and T]

Head Acting Ranger of Jellystone National Park, Dobbs, flicked the flint on the Acetylene Miner's lamp on his forehead.
By it's light, he scanned the forest clearing; peering for the slightest of clues to the heinous crime.
Clearly, there could be only one man...er...person...er...toon that could perpetrate such an egregious evisceration of a pic-a-nic basket.

A Diamond Brooch, a Maiden Aunt, Spy Thriller

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

egregious evisceration of a pic-a-nic basket

@Alex The G and T -fair play, have read through loads of these and I reckon that's gotta be one of the best (Yogi Bear and the word evisceration in the one tale is worth remarking on, well done)

Rodinald Lumperdink of the Royal Society for the prevention of intergalactic conspiracies carefully prized the Brooch open and removed a microfilm.
His smile quickly vanished when he analyzed the contents; 'there's nothing on here but photos of Vladimir Polantin's skidmarked underwear and unwashed dishes.'
'Exactly, disgusting', remarked Agent 00 Jemima Pernickit the Third, 'thought I'd kill two birds with the one McGuffin -you get to see some of the reasons why I prefer to live alone, and at the same time build a clear mental picture of who we're dealing with.'

Fire Extinguisher, Cartographer, DIY Show

 

[Fiberglass Cyborg]

Fire Extinguisher, Cartographer, DIY Show:

"Now, make little trails of lighter fluid curling south into China, and west through Transoxonia and Muscovy. With a click of the lighter - so - you can replicate Ghengis Khan's progress across- aaaaaagggghhh, my beard!"

When the stage crew sprayed him with the fire extinguisher, stray flecks of flame-retardant foam made a new Ice Age across the map.

Goblin, glue-gun, gastropub.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Never mind whose glue gun is plugged in by the telly ya lanky streak of piss, serve me up one of those condor egg omelettes, and a bucket of chips in Thousand Island dressing, and six pints of seaweed beer ...and an empty bucket for after -that stuff goes through me like a javelin dropped from a helicopter.'

'Not you again, ya horrible little goblin, get out before I call the police.'

'Ya might as well get pouring -the police are gonna be no use to ya this time, I'm after gluing my chin and forearms to the counter.'

Writer, Thumbtack, TV continuity announcement

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Over on the 300 word writing challeng poll, you can now vote for your favorite story. Or head across to the critiques channel and find out why nobody likes your work. Alternatively, stay with us right here and watch this writer wedge a thumbtack painfully into her final sentence for no apparent reason.

Ray Gun, Roman Centurian, Infomercial

 

[Elckerlyc]

The informercial, which no one understood, featured a picture of a Roman centurion holding a ray-gun.

Protuberant, Sentient, Clogs

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'It's incredible to think that the planet is self aware, and produced a surface temperature of 130 Celsius just to kill us off ...it's lucky that us humans have a simple means of coping with the heat.'

'You're right Glubdaw, but what's even more fantastic is the fact that Gert Yan Theunisse is leading the mountain category in the Tour de France, whould've thought a Dutchman could be good at climbing?, says it's all down to training on a protuberant.'

'Never mind the pruturberants in the Tour de France, get your asbestos clogs back on before your feet fry.'

Pencil, car salesman, wildlife documentary

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Narrator: We leave the pride in the Serengeti, feasting on the carcass of an unfortunate lawyer, and head across to Australia for our next example of Darwin's laws in action. An 18-foot saltie has caught a used car salesman and is taking him under! Despite his desperate attempt to stab her in the eye with a pencil, she prevails, and the gene pool is improved.

[Hoping The Judge has a sense of humour]

Crampon, motivational speaker, silent movie

 

[Alex The G and T]

The Electronic Organ plays dramatic music as our doughty Hero climbs the icy Precipice.

Our hero stamps his crampons into the ice as his Sherpa shakes his fist and waves it in encouragement.

*The Caption reads, "Onward! And Upward! You can do it!"*


A note pad, A Secretary, Noir.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Big Vinny's secretary stared at him sleazily over the note pad, crossing her legs and exhaling smoke from her lips.

"Tell Alex I expected a girl tied to railway tracks by a villain resembling Tony Robbins in a black cape. Tell him if he's not careful he'll be down at the docks wearing concrete crampons!"




[I think that was a six legged improv!]

Deodorant, poacher, monster movie

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Sorry Bonti, the smell of fish is everywhere -just because you battered the Humbuticus Lonticle to death with a digger doesn't mean you can go and help yourself up at the Salmon weir.'

Bonticus Kapenpopper, billionaire playboy and international troll hunter was more than a little annoyed to have to empty his truck for the bailiff to inspect.

'For the last time, it's Lynx 'Scent de la mer' -fish scented body spray, if you knew anything about style you'd be wearing it yourself.'

Firelighter, parking inspector, farce

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Still furious about the parking ticket, Debbie entered the bar and met her date Woody, who appeared to be a small bundle of twigs.

"Oh, I thought you said fire fighter, not firelighter" she said, barely able to mask her disappointment.

'Well, that's what you get for using Tinder' she thought to herself.

Stove, Tax man, religious text.

 

[Alex The G and T]

Verily, I say unto you, the tax man hast beaten me severely; I feel as though I'm all stove-up.
I acheth, I pineth for fairer days.
Alas. Alack; must I sacrifice my cooker to pay my tithes?


Omnibus, Contortionist. Urban Fantasy.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Cyber terrorist and professional bus surfer Jake Donglebelt farted as he squeezed through the grate leading down to his storm drain techno hideout.

His partner Mary GiollaEaspog was sitting in front of the TV as he entered.

'Omnibus, om-ni-bus is it, well la de dah Mrs. Stuck-up-your-own-hole, watching the regular half hour episodes isn't good enough for ya anymore -sometimes I think your heart isn't in the workers rebellion', he said.

Shoelace, Fireman, Fairy-tale

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a wicked old hag kidnapped a German fireman named Rolf Punzel and imprisoned him in the tower of a disused shoelace factory where she forced him to produce racy calendars in aid of the Witches Benevolent Fund. When she wanted to see him - which was often, because she didn't have a proper boyfriend like her sister Sleeping Beauty - she would call up to him, "Rolf Punzel, Rolf Punzel, throw down your hose!". One night Rolf got the old shoelace production line working again and escaped using a rope fashioned from forty eight packets of brown 45 inch round boot laces suitable for six to eight eyelets.

Flying Saucer, Opera Singer, Instruction Manual

 

[Alex The G and T]

Traaah, la-la-la-la Laah. Traaah la,la,la,la Laah; catch your saucer, flying saucer in a net.

Yodeley, hey hey hey hey; dump the ETs on a mat. On a mat. On a mat.

Then we roll, then we roll and rolleo eo eo 'em in a bowl-of-butter and serve them to the cat.


A Chamber Pot, A Chimney Sweep, Mystery

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'I don't understand -both us make sure to keep the toilet door locked, and yet every single piece of our excrement disappears', declared Kibbles Bunkerfield of 36 Meadowbrook Downs.

'Well there's something going down, nobody but us and old fashioned Pat have been in -and he only goes there to empty out the ashes pots, whatever they are?', replied Claude.

'You're such a fool Claude -from what I know, and I know a lot -an ashes pot is simply a porcelain receptacle, in this case used for emptying out the toilet fire we don't have ...hang on, we've been tricked!'

Lampshade, Chef, Investigative documentary

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Narrator: Mr. Portabella declined to be interviewed about the unfortunate events at his restaurant, but we were able to find him picking deadly lampshade mushrooms in a field behind his house.
Narrator [holding a microphone and chasing a man in a field]: Mr Portabella....Mr Portabella, what have you got to say to all the people who ate at your restaurant and suffered hallucinations?
Mr Portabella: They're full of shiitake!

Ball of wool, Forensic Scientist, Restoration Comedy

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'The length of wool and a bone were all I needed to see that this was indeed once a human person, probably an ancient comedian, who unravelled a ball of wool to follow back out of the caves.'

'Very clever Dr. Snusselbaum, so neglecting to tie one end of the wool was their undoing, but how could you tell the person worked in comedy?'

'That part was easy, it was a humerus bone.'

Candle, barman, disaster movie

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

Fire Chief O'Neill slumped onto his usual stool and addressed the barman.
"Keep 'em coming Chuck! We lost nine good men today in the fire at the Goop scented candle factory - one in the flames, two through smoke inhalation, and the other six succumbed to the smell!"

Napkin, Roustabout, Poetry Reading