Opening to a sci fi story (1032 words)

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Inca_UK

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This is the opening to a currently unnamed sci fi story I'm working on. Thanks in advance for the feedback. Hopefully its not riddled with issues, but its the first bit of narrative I've written in years (other than this months 300 word challenge), so I've braced myself haha.

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The eyes of humanity were upon them. Today was the cumulation of many decades of research and development. It was over one hundred years ago that man first set foot on the moon and the world rejoiced. On that day, man had taken its first step into space, and today it was to take a leap.

The spaceship UNM Maiden, the first manned craft christened under the United Nations of Man drifted forward through the void. Beneath them swirled a mist of red and orange in a giant circle. In the centre, bright light, fading into blue, rose up into the darkness of infinite space. The red mist beneath them was turning orange and it began to descend, gradually curving away from the only forms of life for billions of miles.

"Take us in", came the captain's voice. Phillip Pace adjusted the controls in front of him, taking the Maiden into the mouth of the Wormhole, his body trembling with excitement and for the first time in the journey there was a hint of fear.

When the Wormhole had first been discovered beyond the end of the Milky War, the greatest minds of Earth had turned to figuring out what it meant for humanity. It had been agreed that in theory, man could traverse the Wormhole leading them to another region of space on the other side which meant the vastness of space could be traveled using the Wormholes as shortcuts. Today that theory was to be put into practice.

Pace was honoured to be a part of the five man team which had been chosen to represent mankind, but it did worry him that probes sent through the Wormhole had stopped responding after a short amount of time. He glanced round the cabin and his eyes met those of Navigator George Foster who nodded as he chewed his lip. The rest of the crew looked similarly nervous. The Engineer Isaak Kunetsov was studying the stream of data on his display closely, his glasses perched on the end of his nose. Pace was glad of this. If there was an issue to report, he would be the first to notice. Beside him sat Researcher Maria De Palma, perhaps the only one on the crew who understood half the things Kunetsov would tell them about. While the two of them poured over the screen, the ship's medic, Sora Wakisa seemed unable to distract herself with information and chewed her nails. Only Captain Arthur Ramsey looked unfased, his eyes fixed on the Wormhole, determination written across his face.

"That's why he's the man for the job" thought Pace as he turned his attention back to the controls surrounding him.

The ship neared the beam of bright light shooting out of the hole that was opening up before them. As their path took them into the mouth of the hole, the colours in the mist began to form rings around them and appeared to spin less and less. They were now surrounded on all sides as they passed into the tunnel of light which was growing darker and darker by the second.

Pace noticed a pressure building up in his ears and an ache spreading across head. He couldn't tear his eyes from the windscreen and noticed the tunnel seemed both impossibly big and far too small at the same time. The peaceful red and orange mist was long gone, replaced with black and blue and flashes of white lightning that streaked past them. It was as if the whole sky was compressed into one layer which they were smashing through. It was both beautiful and difficult to comprehend. He tried to relay this thought to his crewmates but found he could not open his mouth.


With a start he realised he had not touched the controls recently, but the ship seemed to have taken on a life of its own, hurtling down the tunnel as if being swallowed. The pressure was building up and up and it was all he could do not to panic as it felt as though the weight of the universe was upon them which threatened to pulled him apart at the seems.

"I told you not to go. Its not safe." Out of nowhere, his mother's voice popped into his head and rattled around his thoughts. "What if something happens to you? There's a reason those probes haven't got back to us, you know? You better come back to me, promise you will." His knuckles turned white from gripping the arms of his chair and he gritted his teeth as he pushed this intrusion from his mind.

All of a sudden, in the centre of the tunnel there appeared an image of space. Similar to that from which they came, but oddly flat. It seemed they were travelling towards it though it never got any bigger. But the white flashes began to fade and orange and red rings were returning. The pressure began to subside and the image of space began to grow. Around it the red and orange mist began to spin. It was strangely calming. They had almost made it. As the image grew nearer, it appeared to thicken. As they passed into it, it grew with them, the whole universe expanding out of this single flat sheet. It was a strange sight, but within minutes it was infinite once more. They had passed through to the other side.

"What the bloody hell was that?!" Foster cried, breaking the tension. He was sat on the edge of his chair looking round at each of the faces in turn, a grin spread wide across his.

"God only knows." Came the response from Isaak Kunetsov as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "That got pretty weird for a second there didn't it? The concentration of exotic matter there must have had some unusual effects. I'd like to..."

Maria De Palma cut across him, "I think its more likely that time itself was behaving strangely than exotic matter."


The ship's medic Sora Wakahisa said nothing and simply shook her head as she tried to make sense of it.


"Alright alright" Ramsey cut across the chatter. "Remember why were here, the mission's not finished yet." The crews attention turned to space once more.
 
Hi! Welcome to the forum and your first review. We are here to help, so don't feel that anything I have to say is personal. Others will be chiming in soon, read what they found and ask questions if you have any.

A few observations. UMM Maiden should be italicized. It's a name of a ship.

Second paragraph where you say beneath them. Nothing technically wrong, I guess, but traveling in space where up and down is meaningless makes this line seem a little strange. Perhaps you could say something about an observation port at some location of the ship.

The description of the "mist" probably should include the wormhole itself. You want to describe the scene as if through someone's eyes. How do they perceive it? This leads to the question of who's Point Of View you are trying tell the story. It seems like an omniscient POV to me?

Paragraph 4: Did you mean to say Milky Way instead of Milky War? Beyond which end? Perhaps you might pick some known constellation or star cluster to give the location some sense of authenticity?

Paragraph 5: Chewing one's nails seems out of character for a team that is supposed to represent the best of humanity to me. Perhaps biting her lip?

Paragraph 6: I would put internal dialog in italics. It is generally the accepted mechanism to write it.

Paragraph 8: Windscreen? That is something for a car. In space it would probably be a view port or more likely a viewing screen. Actual glass windows in a future space ship would seem like a poor idea when there is so much more of the electromagnetic spectrum we can't see that could be put on a display in false color.
Crew mate should be two words, I think.

Paragraph 10: His mother's voice is an internal dialog and I would italicize it.

Paragraph 11: There is something awkward with sentences that say things like all of a sudden or suddenly, which is a word to avoid in writing. There are other ways to create this instant drama.

Travelling should be spelled traveling, I think.

Too many instances of 'began to' in this paragraph. This is another problem that causes reading fatigue that you need to be on the lookout for.

I am struggling with the apparent lack of depth of field you describe, then somehow there is depth of field again as things normalized. There is no way you would perceive depth of field among a stars cape unless the stars were close enough for a parallax effect. I would not expect that unless you entered an extremely dense section of space (which is not likely) or your velocity was extremely high, but then you would have other effects due to relativity.

Perhaps this scene could be described another way like the relative position of stars diverging from a central point - a form of optical distortion.

Maria De Palma probably cut him off.

Lastly, I think the crew's attention returned to their assigned duties. It almost sounds like they are watching a movie, but I would expect the team to each have specific tasks that are assigned to them on individual data displays or consoles.

Overall I didn't get a sense of drama in the scene, so you might want to think of how to better create that sense. I am not sure how you want to do that, but I wouldn't throw sparks shooting out of consoles or something. You need to create a sense of fear and awe as they go forward.

Interesting story and I did want to continue reading to the end to find the outcome.
 
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I think it's nicely done, especially for someone who didn't write for years. One of the issues that I noticed was too much telling that could be replaced by showing. For example,
The eyes of humanity were upon them. Today was the cumulation of many decades of research and development. It was over one hundred years ago that man first set foot on the moon and the world rejoiced. On that day, man had taken its first step into space, and today it was to take a leap.
-you can, for example, show it by letting them hear a live broadcast, where a news person explains to the viewers the importance of what's going on.
Pace was honoured to be a part of the five man team which had been chosen to represent mankind, but it did worry him that probes sent through the Wormhole had stopped responding after a short amount of time
-you can show it through dialogue. In general, I felt they were too quiet, I'd expect some nervous talking or at least questions like "are you ready?"

His knuckles turned white from gripping the arms of his chair and he gritted his teeth as he pushed this intrusion from his mind.
Liked this line!

Good luck with this!
 
Hi and thanks for the feedback. I think part of the problem is that I first wrote this bit first as a descriptive piece just to get me back into it. I pretty much agree with all the feedback and will rewrite it tomorrow. I did cringe a bit when I read the paragraph with three sentences in a row with "begin to" in. It was supposed to be Pace's POV, but I agree it definitely came off as too omniscient. In the rewrite I will try to show what the others are thinking through dialogue and Pace's observations, rather than telling them.

I definitely agree that more drama needs to be created and more dialogue is necessary. I did find that I was less comfortable writing dialogue, but I think I'll get used to that.
 
Hi and thanks for the feedback. I think part of the problem is that I first wrote this bit first as a descriptive piece just to get me back into it. I pretty much agree with all the feedback and will rewrite it tomorrow. I did cringe a bit when I read the paragraph with three sentences in a row with "begin to" in. It was supposed to be Pace's POV, but I agree it definitely came off as too omniscient. In the rewrite I will try to show what the others are thinking through dialogue and Pace's observations, rather than telling them.

I definitely agree that more drama needs to be created and more dialogue is necessary. I did find that I was less comfortable writing dialogue, but I think I'll get used to that.

Excellent. Look forward to seeing what you do.

Have fun!
 
You set a good pace, and the pen portraits offer us a glimpse of the other characters on the ship. The description of the black hole is imaginative and their journey through the portal is gripping, so there is a lot to commend here.

Good luck
 
Pace was honoured to be a part of the five man team which had been chosen to represent mankind, but it did worry him that probes sent through the Wormhole had stopped responding after a short amount of time. He glanced round the cabin and his eyes met those of Navigator George Foster who nodded as he chewed his lip. The rest of the crew looked similarly nervous. The Engineer Isaak Kunetsov was studying the stream of data on his display closely, his glasses perched on the end of his nose. Pace was glad of this. If there was an issue to report, he would be the first to notice. Beside him sat Researcher Maria De Palma, perhaps the only one on the crew who understood half the things Kunetsov would tell them about. While the two of them poured over the screen, the ship's medic, Sora Wakisa seemed unable to distract herself with information and chewed her nails. Only Captain Arthur Ramsey looked unfased, his eyes fixed on the Wormhole, determination written across his face.

Hi Inca, Well done for posting this for review - it takes a brave person to put their work up here, but the rewards are tremendous :) Everyone here is so knowledgeable and tactful in their comments (being a newbie myself, I've appreciated that myself).

I agree that it seems you're telling us a story, as opposed to allowing us to live it. It also seemed a bit quiet to me. I don't read a lot of SF but I do watch it (and this is where my ignorance may come in). I would have thought that the crew would be talking all the time, stating co-ordinates or giving instructions etc, and there was hardly any dialogue.

I've picked out the above passage as I'm not sure about the capitalisation of the job titles. I agree that Captain A R should be with a C as it's a rank but not sure about Engineer or Researcher - plus then you have medic uncapitalised. Are the others ranks too?

Travelling should be spelled traveling, I think.

This is a UK vs USA thing - it's travelling over here :)


I think you have the beginnings of a good story and I'm interested in what happens next but allow us to live it with Pace. :)

Just my tuppence worth - hope it's helped a little
 
The eyes of humanity were upon them. Today was the cumulation of many decades of research and development. It was over one hundred years ago that man first set foot on the moon and the world rejoiced. On that day, man had taken its first step into space, and today it was to take a leap.

^ You're doing a lot of telling rather than showing, and it's from a very distant perspective. While I know in your mind you're probably full of excitement, it's not coming across to me as a strong opening. Give us something closer and punchier. Else if you must be distant, give us a fantastic image using barely any words.

The spaceship UNM Maiden, the first manned craft christened under the United Nations of Man drifted forward through the void. Still as the above Beneath them swirled a mist of red and orange in a giant circle. In the centre, bright light, fading into blue, rose up into the darkness of infinite space. The red mist beneath them was turning orange and it began to descend, gradually curving away from the only forms of life for billions of miles. But here you're tripping yourself up with your own visuals - it's red, orange, no it's less red and more orange... Infinite space and billions of miles are emotionally distancing as well as physically IMO.

"Take us in", came the captain's voice. Phillip Pace adjusted the controls in front of him, taking the Maiden into the mouth of the Wormhole, his body trembling with excitement and for the first time in the journey there was a hint of fear. This is much better as an opening - you're showing us, bringing in close to the character experience, and making it visceral. A few slight tweaks and you could have an exceptional opening that many great books have.

When the Wormhole had first been discovered beyond the end of the Milky War, the greatest minds of Earth had turned to figuring out what it meant for humanity. It had been agreed that in theory, man could traverse the Wormhole leading them to another region of space on the other side which meant the vastness of space could be traveled using the Wormholes as shortcuts. Today that theory was to be put into practice.

^ Now you're making the common mistake of stopping the narrative so that you can explain everything to the reader. This is common in books publishing in the 1970's, but these days the best books keep with the story, and drag the reader along with the character experience, while dripping through all the necessary details throughout the length of the novel.

Pace was honoured to be a part of the five man team which had been chosen to represent mankind, but it did worry him that probes sent through the Wormhole had stopped responding after a short amount of time. And? Does he regard this as a suicide mission? Don't be generic - give us what the character really thinks He glanced round the cabin and his eyes met those of Navigator George Foster who nodded as he chewed his lip. The rest of the crew looked similarly nervous. Good line - the reactions of the crew influence our own emotions The Engineer Isaak Kunetsov was studying the stream of data on his display closely, his glasses perched on the end of his nose. But be careful of overdoing it - you're moving away from the character experience here in order to try and explain and describe the crew members - again, stopping the story Pace was glad of this. Why specifically? Surely Isaak is simply doing his job, like everyone else? Surely the satisfaction is in that? If there was an issue to report, he would be the first to notice. Which comes down to stating the obvious Beside him sat Researcher Maria De Palma, perhaps the only one on the crew who understood half the things Kunetsov would tell them about. While the two of them poured over the screen, the ship's medic, Sora Wakisa seemed unable to distract herself with information and chewed her nails. Only Captain Arthur Ramsey looked unfased, his eyes fixed on the Wormhole, determination written across his face. < You're simply infodumping the crew here. Also - I thought it was implied that Pace was the captain. Now he's not the centre of things I was led to believe.

"That's why he's the man for the job" thought Pace as he turned his attention back to the controls surrounding him. Not realistic - you're drifting into cliche here.

The ship neared the beam of bright light shooting out of the hole that was opening up before them. As their path took them into the mouth of the hole, the colours in the mist began to form rings around them and appeared to spin less and less. They were now surrounded on all sides as they passed into the tunnel of light which was growing darker and darker by the second.

Pace noticed a pressure building up in his ears and an ache spreading across head. Good line! He couldn't tear his eyes from the windscreen Windscreen? and noticed the tunnel seemed both impossibly big and far too small at the same time. The peaceful red and orange mist was long gone, replaced with black and blue and flashes of white lightning that streaked past them. It was as if the whole sky was compressed into one layer which they were smashing through. It was both beautiful and difficult to comprehend. He tried to relay this thought to his crewmates but found he could not open his mouth. Good - back to character experience


With a start he realised he had not touched the controls recently, but the ship seemed to have taken on a life of its own, hurtling down the tunnel as if being swallowed. The pressure was building up and up and it was all he could do not to panic as it felt as though the weight of the universe was upon them which threatened to pulled him apart at the seems.



I'll stop here because I feel my comments are becoming repetitive already. In short, when you get into the character experience I find the story compelling and engaging. But be careful of generic statements - I don;t simply want to experience what your character does, I want to feel that their experience is unique.

Additionally, be very careful with your narrative voice being too distant - because the more you do that, the more it comes across as a text book and not a novel. Remember, you are writing a novel, not screenplay notes for a film.

You would probably benefit from reading up more on POV use and other technical issues to help advance your writing. I'd strongly recommend reading something like Wonderbook by Jeff Vandermeer, as he goes through most of this stuff in a concise and interesting way, and you're sure to be inspired to write better by it.

Hope that helps.
 
Thanks guys. Interestingly a lot of the comments are regarding things I felt unsure about as I was writing it such as the use of windscreen (I knew it was out of place but couldn't decide what else to use) and the use of dialogue.

I did think that was a strong first paragraph at the time, but thats why you post these things, to have a wake up call haha.

Thanks for book suggestion, will give it a read.
 
You've just started and writing to entertain requires new skills and tools that you'll soon pick up. You have elements I like to see, such as good use of description and your grammar looked to be very good.

A couple of pointers for you to take away and think about. Stay with the character, and through that character we see their world presented. Feel their emotions, concerns and fears, because that's how your world will come to life, through your character. Living with the character is how we relate to the story. The closer to the character you are the better I say, but really its a style choice. Yet all the great books I remember, have a character I loved.

Keep it immediate where possible. Here you zoomed into narrative and back story right from the off which didn't allow your character to grow, or plot, and you killed all the tension. The immediate you wanted here was a scared and nervous captain and crew, that was your hook, but it was watered down too much. Your world building is needed, but trust in your reader and assume their clever too and that the reader can keep up with you - they usually can. So don't drift off from your scene, stay with the scene and try to keep it immediate.

Nice to see new members. Keep at it and good luck.
 
Thanks thats some good advice. I was planning on starting a rewrite today, but I've had my nose stuck in the book Brian Turner mentioned, so it might be a few days before I get going. But the book is great so far and has lots of info in.
 
We need to know who 'them' are in the first paragraph. Introduce a crew? Whatever, not bad atoll for a first draft.
 
This is the opening to a currently unnamed sci fi story I'm working on. Thanks in advance for the feedback. Hopefully its not riddled with issues, but its the first bit of narrative I've written in years (other than this months 300 word challenge), so I've braced myself haha.

-------------------

The eyes of humanity were upon them. Today was the cumulation of many decades of research and development. It was over one hundred years ago that man first set foot on the moon and the world rejoiced. On that day, man had taken its first step into space, and today it was to take a leap.

The spaceship UNM Maiden, the first manned craft christened under the United Nations of Man...

This almost sounds like a political speech. It might work better that way. Maybe have someone in the UN explaining what's going on and then switch to the action.
 
I agree with what Brian Turner said about the opening paragraph. It did not captivate me at all.
 
This almost sounds like a political speech. It might work better that way. Maybe have someone in the UN explaining what's going on and then switch to the action.

Hmm yeah interesting idea. Might have a play around with that idea and see if I can make it work.
 
Hmm yeah interesting idea. Might have a play around with that idea and see if I can make it work.
I would suggest that it is playing on a vidscreen or whatever in the background, we hear enough to make clear what's going on then the captain tells whoever to shut it off (because it would distract people and they know it all already anyway). But your POV character can hear it and perhaps have some personal flashback of when he left, the cheering crowds (or otherwise) just for an instant? Then forces himself to concentrate on whatever it is he's meant to be doing.

When you are trying to create tension, remember also tactile sensations. Does the POV character's hairs on arms or back of neck stand up, does his mouth dry up and he is nervously licking his lips with a pretty dry tongue, or has to clear his throat. Perhaps his chest feels tight, or he is aware of his own pulse thudding in his chest or ears. Or he's having uncomfortable stomach sensations. I would have thought that actual transit through the wormhole could induce in various crewmembers any of the following - dizziness, nausea, migraine type headaches or whatever?
 
You have a fair start here and the writing is good though the pace could be better.
There seems to be something of a trope in a wormhole or some such and sending probes that never return with a final decision to send a manned vessel through. What this one lacks is a compelling reason to send a man through let alone five.
Oh and the five.
Phillip Pace
George Foster
Isaak Kunetsov
Maria De Palma
Sora Wakisa
Arthur Ramsey

Am I missing something here?

A good start on an old trope though I'd love to see the compelling reason for sending the manned flight because I'm sure it's got to be something that stands the trope on it's head.
 
Thanks for all the suggestions. Looking forward to rewriting it. Not sure what you mean about missing something with the five. And yes there is a very good reason for sending a manned flight, though I definitely should make that and other things clearer.
 
Unable to edit, but I'm guessing your just commenting on the fact that there actually 6 people. Yeah that was just a mistake on my part.
 
This is the updated version. I've tried everyone's comments on board and hope its an improvement. I was planning on updating the first post, and the title, but its not letting me unfortunately.

--------------

Phillip Pace adjusted the controls in front of him, taking the UNM Maiden into the mouth of the Wormhole, his body trembling with excitement and for the first time in the journey there was a hint of fear. He doubled checked the calibrations. He wasn't sure what was about to happen, but if anything did go wrong, he damn well wouldn't be responsible.

"The eyes of humanity are upon them." Came a voice over the speakers. It was the launch speech from the day they set off on their journey from non other than the United Nations of Mankind Secretary-General himself. "Today is the cumulation of many decades of research and development. It was over one hundred years ago that man first set foot on the moon and the world rejoiced. On that day, man had taken its first step into space, and today we take a leap.

Today we launch the Spacecraft UNM Maiden on a voyage to the new world. This is the..."

"Can you shut that off?" Instructed the Captain. "You all know why were here. On the other side of that Wormhole is a planet as green as Earth and we're going to be first to set foot on it. Foster," he addressed the navigator, "time until entry? Make sure we don't overshoot."

George Foster checked the starchart. "3 Minutes sir."

"Pace, prepare to take us in."

Pace made the adjustments, but couldn't help worrying. "But sir, what about the probes we sent through? They all went dark after a few hours. What if there's something else there? There must be a reason."

Captain Arthur Ramsey paused for a second. "I believe the current theory is that the radio signal struggles to pass through the Wormhole because of how it morphs space and time."

"That theory's now been debunked." The engineer Isaak Kunetsov spoke up. " Physicist John Sapler now claims there could be..."

Ramsey cut him off "Let's have this discussion on the other side".

Sure, the first planet with clear signs of life was a prize worth chasing, but Pace wished more time had been devoted to understanding the Wormhole before he was to travel through it. When he'd raised this with Ramsey, he'd been told that with the environment of Earth becoming increasingly unstable, the United Nations of Mankind were desperate for this mission to be a success and that it couldn't wait any longer. Pace was unconvinced. He glanced round the cabin and his eyes met those of George Foster who nodded as he chewed his lip. The rest of the crew looked similarly nervous.

Finally the signal came and Pace engaged the thrusters taking the UNH Maiden into the mouth of the Wormhole as he wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. He double checked the angle and adjusted to account for the drift. He looked out through the view port into the Wormhole itself, a rich red mist, spinning and spinning. It drew his attention in and in.

As they entered the hole, the colours in the mist began to form rings around them and appeared to spin less and less. They were now surrounded on all sides as they passed into the tunnel which was growing darker and darker by the second.

Pace noticed a pressure building up in his ears and an ache spreading across head. He couldn't tear his eyes from the view port and noticed the tunnel seemed both impossibly big and far too small at the same time. The peaceful red mist was long gone, replaced with black and blue and flashes of white lightning that streaked past them. It was as if the whole sky was compressed into one layer which they were smashing through. It was both beautiful and difficult to comprehend. He tried to relay this thought to his crew mates but found he could not open his mouth.

With a start he realised he had not touched the controls recently, but the ship seemed to have taken on a life of its own, hurtling down the tunnel as if being swallowed. The pressure was building up and up and it was all he could do not to panic as it felt as though the weight of the universe was upon them which threatened to pulled him apart at the seems.

I told you not to go. Its not safe. Out of nowhere, his mother's voice popped into his head and rattled around his thoughts. What if something happens to you? There's a reason those probes haven't got back to us, you know? You better come back to me, promise you will. His knuckles turned white from gripping the arms of his chair and he gritted his teeth as he pushed this intrusion from his mind.

In the centre of the tunnel there appeared an image of space. Similar to that from which they came, but oddly flat. It seemed they were travelling towards it, though it never got any bigger. He was feeling nauseous and had to fight down the urge to retch. But then the white flashes were fading and the red rings were returning. The pressure was subsiding and the image of space began to grow. Around it the familiar red mist was spinning. It was strangely calming and he was starting to feel much better. They had almost made it. As the image grew nearer, it appeared to thicken. The mist faded and they were surrounded by the light of a billion stars once more. They had passed through to the other side.

"What the bloody hell was that?! I swear I was hearing things for a second there." Foster cried, breaking the tension. He was sat on the edge of his seat looking round at each of the faces in turn, a grin spread wide across his which Pace couldn't help but return.

"God only knows." Came the response from Kuznetsov as he adjusted his glasses. "It got pretty weird for a second there didn't it? Hmm, I wonder. The concentration of exotic matter there must have had some unusual effects. I'd like to..."

Maria De Palma cut across him, "I think its more likely that time itself was behaving strangely than the influence of exotic matter."

"Is everyone ok?" The ship's medic, Sora Wakisa, said, shaking her head as she tried to make sense of it, as much to herself as anyone else.
 
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