Is this also a good summary?

[James118]

Feeling a mite guilty about this, hence the self-deprecatory title; if this belongs in the critique forum or counts as unearned (less than 100 posts) self-promotion... well, Cli-Fi's didn't. Anyway, see what you think:

As young children, Malina and Lola had been inseparable. That all changed in a single moment, when a cataclysm tore the land apart: the new island quickly took Lola beyond the horizon, and the ruins of the ancient city of Trimus with her. Heartbroken, Malina vowed to search for her sweetheart as soon as she could. Now an adult, she must leave behind the comfort of home and begin the journey of her life to find Lola once more.

When tragedy strikes, Malina decides to take a break in the port of Benchil. However, she is soon drawn into the city's underworld by a young thief, and joins the struggle against a malevolent force bent on claiming the formidable power of Trimus Island for itself.

I wasn't sure about the end there... I know that it needed to point back to the original goal of going to Trimus for Lola, but I didn't want to reveal too much of the story. Hopefully that's just enough.

Not sure about the second sentence either. Just shook it up a little, but I think it still needs work.

 

[tinkerdan]

It might depend on what you want to use the summary for.
For agents and such you will not want to worry about spoilers.
For book summary for places that might sell this to customers, you might find that they want a shorter-tighter version.
Some will likely want both the tight version and a longer one.
My one question with this one would be, are these two lovers.

With that in mind if I were to further summarize your summary::.

Two young lovers, Malina and Lola are inseparable until the cataclysm rips their world apart. Years later a heartbroken Malina dedicates herself to the search for her soulmate. A quest that puts her in the seedy underworld of an ancient city where a young thief reveals a struggle against a malevolent force that could destroy their world. She can make a difference and she has to make a choice.

I don't know your story well enough to know if I might have gotten that right. But that alone might tell you something about your summary that is helpful. (I added that she could make a difference--to heighten the stakes a bit.)

 

[James118]

It might depend on what you want to use the summary for.
For agents and such you will not want to worry about spoilers.

Oh no, I've got a page-long synopsis for agencies. One that, at this stage, I probably won't be needing again. :/

For book summary for places that might sell this to customers, you might find that they want a shorter-tighter version.

I went Googling for what makes a good blurb for both content and length. Thought this fulfilled all criteria fairly well.

My one question with this one would be, are these two lovers.

Yup.

Two young lovers, Malina and Lola are inseparable until the cataclysm rips their world apart. Years later a heartbroken Malina dedicates herself to the search for her soulmate. A quest that puts her in the seedy underworld of an ancient city where a young thief reveals a struggle against a malevolent force that could destroy their world. She can make a difference and she has to make a choice.

That's pretty damn good. I suppose 'could destroy their world' covers the original quest as well: stop the threat or the girls will never be reunited anyway.

I don't know your story well enough to know if I might have gotten that right. But that alone might tell you something about your summary that is helpful. (I added that she could make a difference--to heighten the stakes a bit.)

Most of it's really good, with just a few bits that I would change if I decided to use that. I'd have to think of an equally cool way to do it, because you did word it very well.

 

[psychotick]

Hi James,

"As young children, Malina and Lola had been inseparable. That all changed in a single moment, when a cataclysm tore the land apart: the new island quickly took Lola beyond the horizon, and the ruins of the ancient city of Trimus with her." I like the concept I think, but it's not completely clear how the island could take Lola away. Does it swim?

"Heartbroken, Malina vowed to search for her sweetheart as soon as she could." I think this is a natural paragraph break. There's also an issue with age here. You said above "young children" now they're sweethearts. This might send some alarm bells ringing.


"Now an adult, she must leave behind the comfort of home and begin the journey of her life to find Lola once more." Why must she? If this is a years old childish dream that she's maintained until now, say that. I'd go for something like the dream of finding her friend had never left her and finally when she was old enough she knew it was time.

"When tragedy strikes, Malina decides to take a break in the port of Benchil. However, she is soon drawn into the city's underworld by a young thief, and joins the struggle against a malevolent force bent on claiming the formidable power of Trimus Island for itself." Just a little confused here. So she knows / the thief knows where the island is? Then couldn't they have just sailed there years before? What held her back? Why is she only able to do this as an adult? And formidable power of an island? I get the feeling you've left too much out.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

claiming the formidable power of Trimus Island for itself

"on Trimus" makes more sense.

 

[psychotick]

Hi Ray,

Unless the island does swim!!!

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Dr Doolittle (the books, not films).

 

[James118]

"As young children, Malina and Lola had been inseparable. That all changed in a single moment, when a cataclysm tore the land apart: the new island quickly took Lola beyond the horizon, and the ruins of the ancient city of Trimus with her." I like the concept I think, but it's not completely clear how the island could take Lola away. Does it swim?

It just moves. Same way the land 'tears apart'.

"Heartbroken, Malina vowed to search for her sweetheart as soon as she could."

I think this is a natural paragraph break. There's also an issue with age here. You said above "young children" now they're sweethearts. This might send some alarm bells ringing.

I put them at about 7 when it happens. They've known each other for a few years. If that's still too weird, well, I distinctly remember at least one 'playground couple' at school when I was that age, so it's not unheard of.

"Now an adult, she must leave behind the comfort of home and begin the journey of her life to find Lola once more."

Why must she? If this is a years old childish dream that she's maintained until now, say that. I'd go for something like the dream of finding her friend had never left her and finally when she was old enough she knew it was time.

Well, 'old enough' was something I wasn't sure about. In the very first drafts, she was just heading off when she turned 20. Seemed like a very arbitrary time, not because of the number, but because of waiting for a birthday... I mean, nothing practical would be different from one day to the next.

"When tragedy strikes, Malina decides to take a break in the port of Benchil. However, she is soon drawn into the city's underworld by a young thief, and joins the struggle against a malevolent force bent on claiming the formidable power of Trimus Island for itself."

Just a little confused here. So she knows / the thief knows where the island is?

No. Although everyone has a vague idea that it's somewhere to the north-east, in the same direction it broke away from the mainland. Regarding the thief himself, when they meet, he's just struggling against something in the 'city's underworld'. Only by helping him does Malina discover that the 'force' wants the power of the island. So the thief knows as much about the island as anyone else. If that part of the blurb was misleading, what do you suggest instead?

Then couldn't they have just sailed there years before?

The island, and the ruined city on it, have a terrible past. No-one wants to go there. Except of course, Malina.

What held her back?

Nobody willing to take her. And more 'recently', her job, and her mother needs help on their small farm.

Why is she only able to do this as an adult?

The island is considered dangerous, as you may have guessed from above.

And formidable power of an island? I get the feeling you've left too much out.

It's a tease - suddenly, this mysterious island that broke off from the mainland many years ago contains 'formidable power'. So the audience wants to know about it.