Struggling with the purple demon on my shoulder (330 words)

[allmywires]

Hello!

It has been a little while since I've posted on here (well...years) but as I'm getting back into writing seriously I'm finding the demon of purple prose that sits on my shoulder increasingly hard to ignore.

I remember the critters were always quite good at helping me reign in my natural instinct to inflate and purple-ate my writing, so any and all thoughts on whether the below flows/works/has any redeeming qualities at all would be great, thanks. (It's not the very beginning, but quite near it - first scene break).

---


It took Mona an age to get back to the University – Lady Cecily’s villa was nestled between vineyards in the rolling green hills just outside of Palam, and far outside of the city’s tram network. She sat squashed in the back of a mail cart for an hour between two large lumberjacks, the road poorly maintained and the wooden seat bruising, before she could get on a tram back to the University. The large square was bustling the early evening sun, the four fountains splashing merrily as she hurried past tourists and academics alike to the marble steps of the School of Natural Sciences.

It was cool and the air stale in the main foyer, her footsteps echoing as she walked. Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults. The parade of taxidermied megafauna that was the centrepiece of the entrance hall dominated the view, and it always gave her the shivers though she couldn’t explain exactly why. As a child she’d been told that there had been a dragon hanging in animation above the galloping forest deer, but there was no trace of it now: five metal wires still hung from the intricately painted ceiling, but nobody remembered now what had become of this dragon specimen, or why it’d been taken down.

She took the wide stairs up to the third floor, where everything got a little less grand and more cluttered, the corridors shrinking to two abreast and the doors studded in the walls every few feet.

When she got to her office – a generous description for something that was little more than a cupboard with a small window overlooking the quad – it was already populated with her two colleagues, which made the room about three times too small for the number of occupants.

“Mona,” Henry said, looking over his glasses at her. “Where have you been?”

 

[Zoe Mackay]

I really like the way you put words together. What I'm struggling with is trying to filter the useful detail from the less relevant, which is partly because it's such a short excerpt, and partly because there's a few sentences that seem to hang around longer than they're really welcome. Prime culprit is this one:

Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults.

Which seems to (a) say the same thing twice, and (b) do you need the five dollar word (susurrus)? You could take a pass at the first two paragraphs and try and cut out bits you don't need - "she couldn't explain exactly why", for example. The last two paragraphs are great.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

vineyards in the rolling green

Vineyards or rolling green?
I'm the opposite of purple prose. I'm a lazy writer that leaves the reader a set of colouring pens.

The large square was bustling the early evening sun,

I write like this. I think you left out words.

cool and the air stale

Cool to me is opposite of stale?

Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults

It was very quiet?

taxidermied megafauna

Stuffed dinosaurs?

You ARE poetic. I'm very boring I would have had it all in one paragraph. Your writing is better, but I see how you might get carried away.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hey. My issue here wasn't purpleness but a sense of busyness and a lack of cohesion

Hello!

It has been a little while since I've posted on here (well...years) but as I'm getting back into writing seriously I'm finding the demon of purple prose that sits on my shoulder increasingly hard to ignore.

I remember the critters were always quite good at helping me reign in my natural instinct to inflate and purple-ate my writing, so any and all thoughts on whether the below flows/works/has any redeeming qualities at all would be great, thanks. (It's not the very beginning, but quite near it - first scene break).

---


It took Mona an age to get back to the University – Lady Cecily’s villa was nestled between vineyards in the rolling green hills just outside of Palam, and far outside of the city’s tram network. She sat squashed in the back of a mail cart for an hour between two large lumberjacks, the road poorly maintained and the wooden seat bruising, before she could get on a tram back to the University. The large square was bustling the early evening sun, the four fountains splashing merrily as she hurried past tourists and academics alike to the marble steps of the School of Natural Sciences.

So, here we have a lot of info but in one sentence we have squashed in the back of a mail cart (and how does that feel? Comfy? Any smells from the mail sacks? Any noises? Dark/light - make it come alive for me) for an hour, with two lumberjacks (and what do they look like? Any smell? Any habits?) on a poorly maintained road (and that's connected to the rest, how?) the wooden seat bruising, and then she needs to get a tram. For me about four sentences would work better and keep me in the moment with her. The mail cart. The lumberjacks. The journey. The transition. I think you're trying not to be purple, so you've condensed the detail, but it's making it less immersive.

It was cool and the air stale in the main foyer, her footsteps echoing as she walked. And again - what does stale air have to do with her footsteps echoing? Yet they feel linked in one sentence? Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults. The parade of taxidermied megafauna that was the centrepiece of the entrance hall dominated the view, and it always gave her the shivers though she couldn’t explain exactly why. As a child she’d been told that there had been a dragon hanging in animation above the galloping forest deer, but there was no trace of it now: five metal wires still hung from the intricately painted ceiling, but nobody remembered now what had become of this dragon specimen, or why it’d been taken down.better. Nice detail.

She took the wide stairs up to the third floor, where everything got a little less grand and more cluttered, the corridors shrinking to two abreast and the doors studded in the walls every few feet.

When she got to her office – a generous description for something that was little more than a cupboard with a small window overlooking the quad – it was already populated with her two colleagues, which made the room about three times too small for the number of occupants.

“Mona,” Henry said, looking over his glasses at her. “Where have you been?”

Hope it helps! Jo

 

[TitaniumTi]

Like Jo, I was discomfited by the changes in mood/atmosphere. This is what I saw:
idyllic
uncomfortable
happy
stuffy
soothing
spooky
nostalgic


I liked the writing from the second paragraph on, with a few minor exceptions like the cool/stale/echo juxtaposition, but I think the first paragraph could be more focused. Perhaps start with something like, "It took Mona an age to get back from Lady Cecilia's villa in the vineyards, far beyond the city's tram network." Then describe her experience of the cart ride, and finish the paragraph with something simple like "It was an hour before she could catch the tram back to the School of Natural Sciences.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is interesting, but not so purple:

This threw me a bit::

The large square was bustling the early evening sun

:erhaps some meaning of bustling that I'm missing; so I can't picture the large square bustling the sun.

This next was the most troubling to me, not because of purple, but the contradictions.::

It was cool and the air stale in the main foyer, her footsteps echoing as she walked. Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults. The parade of taxidermied megafauna that was the centrepiece of the entrance hall dominated the view, and it always gave her the shivers though she couldn’t explain exactly why. As a child she’d been told that there had been a dragon hanging in animation above the galloping forest deer, but there was no trace of it now: five metal wires still hung from the intricately painted ceiling, but nobody remembered now what had become of this dragon specimen, or why it’d been taken down.

Footsteps echoing--
Silence soaked up sound like a sponge--
air thick with soundlessness--
sussurus of the researchers--- (by the way it's Spelled s u s u r r u s )

I see susurrus used a lot but only twice now has it been misspelled this way.

I think I get what you are trying to say it's like that 'din of hush' that you get in a library or museum. Kind of like people misplaced from the cafeteria into the library trying to control the sound.

 

[Tim Murray]

Hello!

It has been a little while since I've posted on here (well...years) but as I'm getting back into writing seriously I'm finding the demon of purple prose that sits on my shoulder increasingly hard to ignore.

I remember the critters were always quite good at helping me reign in my natural instinct to inflate and purple-ate my writing, so any and all thoughts on whether the below flows/works/has any redeeming qualities at all would be great, thanks. (It's not the very beginning, but quite near it - first scene break).

---


It took Mona an age to get back to the University – Lady Cecily’s villa was nestled between vineyards in the rolling green hills just outside of Palam, and far outside of the city’s tram network. She sat squashed in the back of a mail cart for an hour between two large lumberjacks, the road poorly maintained and the wooden seat bruising, before she could get on a tram back to the University. The large square was bustling the early evening sun, the four fountains splashing merrily as she hurried past tourists and academics alike to the marble steps of the School of Natural Sciences.

It was cool and the air stale in the main foyer, her footsteps echoing as she walked. Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults. The parade of taxidermied megafauna that was the centrepiece of the entrance hall dominated the view, and it always gave her the shivers though she couldn’t explain exactly why. As a child she’d been told that there had been a dragon hanging in animation above the galloping forest deer, but there was no trace of it now: five metal wires still hung from the intricately painted ceiling, but nobody remembered now what had become of this dragon specimen, or why it’d been taken down.

She took the wide stairs up to the third floor, where everything got a little less grand and more cluttered, the corridors shrinking to two abreast and the doors studded in the walls every few feet.

When she got to her office – a generous description for something that was little more than a cupboard with a small window overlooking the quad – it was already populated with her two colleagues, which made the room about three times too small for the number of occupants.

“Mona,” Henry said, looking over his glasses at her. “Where have you been?”

I agree with Robert on the "silence soaked..." sentence, otherwise vey descriptive. Some of the set-ups could be shortened.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It took Mona an age to get back to the University – Lady Cecily’s villa was nestled between vineyards in the rolling green hills just outside of Palam, and far outside of the city’s tram network. She sat squashed in the back of a mail cart for an hour between two large lumberjacks, the road poorly maintained and the wooden seat bruising, before she could get on a tram back to the University. Is the informationn between the bolded parts necessary? Simply that you mention a journey to the uni, but then go on a detour of describing things that have happened before this journey. The large square was bustling the early evening sun, the four fountains splashing merrily as she hurried past tourists and academics alike to the marble steps of the School of Natural Sciences.

It was cool and the air stale in the main foyer, her footsteps echoing as she walked. Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults. The parade of taxidermied megafauna that was the centrepiece of the entrance hall dominated the view, and it always gave her the shivers though she couldn’t explain exactly why. As a child she’d been told that there had been a dragon hanging in animation above the galloping forest deer, but there was no trace of it now: five metal wires still hung from the intricately painted ceiling, but nobody remembered now what had become of this dragon specimen, or why it’d been taken down.

What strikes me in the above is that you seem keen to describe a lot of detail, but it doesn't feel like it's been filtered through a character perspective. The result is that the flow doesn't seem natural, and the reader is asked to imagine a whole series of details that don't appear to be necessary.

She took the wide stairs up to the third floor, where everything got a little less grand and more cluttered, the corridors shrinking to two abreast and the doors studded in the walls every few feet. Got it - you are describing this place as if she's never been here, when clearly it's ordinary and routine for her. It's this sense of the ordinary and routine - picking out new details among the familiar experience - that's missing from this perspective IMO.

When she got to her office – a generous description for something that was little more than a cupboard with a small window overlooking the quad – it was already populated with her two colleagues, which made the room about three times too small for the number of occupants.

“Mona,” Henry said, looking over his glasses at her. “Where have you been?”


Overall, it's not bad - but it feels as though you are trying to forcing too much detail and without focus into the narrative, to the detriment of the character experience.

 

[allmywires]

Thanks all! I'll work on rearranging the contradictory bits in the description. And it seems in my paranoia of purple I have fallen prey to another of my biggest flaws...

What strikes me in the above is that you seem keen to describe a lot of detail, but it doesn't feel like it's been filtered through a character perspective.

I've been writing seriously and solidly for maybe 3/4 years now and I just cannot, no matter how hard I try, figure this one out. When I want to describe something I just flick an internal switch somewhere and go into this panoramic omniscient mode and for the life of me I have no idea how to change this. Always is a worse problem when I write fantasy because I get quite preoccupied with description as it's all a new world. Arghh !

 

[Ray McCarthy]

@allmywires
Maybe pretend you are learning the part for a play and act it? I heard that advice from a writer on BBC R4 this week.

Maybe we should team up. I design a world and document it, then don't bother describing anything in the actual novel!

 

[tinkerdan]

Read Perdido Street Station China Miéville If you can figure out even a toned down version of what he does it might help.

 

[HareBrain]

I've been writing seriously and solidly for maybe 3/4 years now and I just cannot, no matter how hard I try, figure this one out. When I want to describe something I just flick an internal switch somewhere and go into this panoramic omniscient mode and for the life of me I have no idea how to change this. Always is a worse problem when I write fantasy because I get quite preoccupied with description as it's all a new world. Arghh !

Have you tried writing those bits in first person and seeing if that makes a difference? (And then converting to third.)

 

[Brian G Turner]

I've been writing seriously and solidly for maybe 3/4 years now and I just cannot, no matter how hard I try, figure this one out. When I want to describe something I just flick an internal switch somewhere and go into this panoramic omniscient mode and for the life of me I have no idea how to change this. Always is a worse problem when I write fantasy because I get quite preoccupied with description as it's all a new world. Arghh !

I keep falling foul of that with my current WIP. What happens is that I write a bit - then I go back and insert various details that I think should be in it. And that's when I'm going wrong.

The way I've found to get around it is to imagine that I'm speaking the scene aloud, and just type as I'm doing so. The moment I stop to insert details, the talking stops, so I know I'm going wrong.

Just in case of any help to you.

 

[allmywires]

Have you tried writing those bits in first person and seeing if that makes a difference? (And then converting to third.)

I have not...that sounds like a perfect solution! I'll give it a shot.

I keep falling foul of that with my current WIP. What happens is that I write a bit - then I go back and insert various details that I think should be in it. And that's when I'm going wrong.

The way I've found to get around it is to imagine that I'm speaking the scene aloud, and just type as I'm doing so. The moment I stop to insert details, the talking stops, so I know I'm going wrong.

Just in case of any help to you.

Interesting...my problem I think is that I automatically swerve towards descriptions as I'm writing and I'm not always aware of doing it. Reading stuff aloud is a really helpful tool though I just am rarely alone enough to be able to read to myself (without sounding crazy/annoying people)

Thanks again guys!

 

[Phyrebrat]

Late this party, sorry amw,

It read more or less okay for me. I'd say that you like a more detached POV if this is representative of your style, and so some people will want less description and more action, but I think you've got a nice balance.

A couple of things jumped out though:

• It took Mona an age to get back to the University - from this way of saying 'ages' I would assume that Mona is a stuffy/prissy/privileged (some, one or all of these, not necessarily all)
• It was cool and the air stale in the main foyer, her footsteps echoing as she walked - This has been mentioned by others. You could just juggle the sentence to something along the lines of 'Her footsteps echoed in the cool but stale main foyer'. I don;t think you need 'walked' as footsteps require walking to happen, so it goes without saying. I don't have a problem with cool and stale, but if you're bothered change it to a but.
• Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults. - I think this is a nice line, but it is spoiled by over-production (IMO) and the repetition of 'sound'. Could you switch with noise? e.g Silence soaked up the noise like a sponge, the thick with soundlessness...' And I think the researchers could be tightened up a little so they're the focus of the only sound - the susurration.

That is about the only thing that jumped out. And the first point I put in, just as info on what I was thinking. It may be that Mona is not entitled, but her phrasing and the subsequent mention of villa with Uni makes me think she's from good stock.

pH

 

[Randy M.]

Allmywires,

Late to the party, but wanted to say I liked the rhythm of your prose. You could condense some, though.

It took Mona an age to get back to the University – Lady Cecily’s villa was nestled between vineyards in the rolling green hills just outside of Palam, and far outside of the city’s tram network.

What I have in mind is something like, Mona took an age to return to the University -- Lady Cecily's villa was nestled between vineyards amid the rolling green hills just outside of Palam, far outside the city's tram network.

Silence soaked up sound like a sponge in here, the air thick with soundlessness, its only disturbance the gentle sussurus of the researchers lingering by the pulley lifts leading to the vaults. The parade of taxidermied megafauna that was the centrepiece of the entrance hall dominated the view, and it always gave her the shivers though she couldn’t explain exactly why.

While I like "air thick with soundlessness," I would reconsider "taxidermied megafauna" unless it truly reflects Mona's character. Something like, Entering the foyer, air thick with soundlessness and only disturbed by whispering researchers lingering by pulley lifts, the static parade of taxidermied fauna, centrepiece of the entrance hall, as always caused her shivers she could never explain.

That may lose something you're trying for, but if you can compact your sentences while maintaining that prose rhythm, it would make enjoyable reading.

Randy M.