hardsciencefanagain
Well-Known Member
Untitled,as yet
My own feelings /criticsm: the aliens aren't threatening enough,and not alien enough.
I was enjoying my lunchbreak underneath the oak tree in the courtyard when, somewhat unobtrusively,the alien appeared and walked up to me.
It resembled a tiny upright tapir with moose-like staghorns.
With some pomp,it handed me a small quadrangle of something that felt like plastic ,on which was printed: “Notice of Planetary Takeover”
“Not now,” I said,”come back in twenty minutes.”
It raised the parts of its face that looked like eyebrows.
“I don't understand.”
“Lunch break is sacred.”
“But,but, our spies never mentioned the importance of “lunch breaks” in their reports.”
“I'm betting they missed a lot of things,your spies.But I don't really want to be a spoilsport,
so …
I stuck out a hand.”The name's Ben.”
It tried to shake my hand with a tiny paw and failed.”Vlorg,Plenipotentiary Commander of the Military Invasion force.”
He pointed towards an ugly metallic contraption.”That's our ship,over there.”
“Hmmm, I thought the Municipal Waste Department was a tad early today. Just be careful people don't throw stuff in.And don't eject waste material,or they'll fine you bigtime.”
I started to read.
“Ok,first of all,I'd kick the backside of your legal department.You give no reason for the invasion.”
It managed to yank the notice out of my hands.
“Let me see that.Ok,fair enough.We'll make one up ex post facto.”
“I'll have to warn you: “because we feel like it” is NOT sufficient reason.”
“Drat.”
“One major drawback,legally speaking, is that our planet is the third in our system,and not the fourth.And today is not Thursday,but Wednesday.The whole document is amateurish,ramshackle.”
Vlorg clapped a tiny paw to its forehead.”I had a feeeling something was not right.”
I took the notice out of its paws, pointed to another paragraph.
“Furthermore,our planet does NOT have a single leader to take you to.There are hundreds of them,and you 'd have to approach them through their secretaries,and schedule an appointment with each of them.”
“Our sp..”
“Yes, your spying department needs a major overhaul.I take it nobody told you about secretaries?”
Vlorg lost its temper slightly.
“I'll let the ship blow up that building over there!”
“Actually,that one is scheduled to be demolished.”
He pointed to another office building.”No matter, we'll blow up that building.”
“People might actually enjoy that.There are only a bank and a law firm in that building.”
Still Vlorg wouldn't let up.
“We'll take all your natural resources.”
“Which ones?They're practically gone.Hey, do you want me to reorganize your inteligence Department?”
Vlorg's alien face managed to look despondent.“Tell you what, invading isn't what it used to be.”
”Just out of curiosity:what resources are you planning to plunder?”
Vlorg pondered a moment.”Actually it's quite a big list.”
“Shoot.”
“Really?”
“No ,no, it's just an Earth expression.”
“Ok,we're mostly interested in really really valuable materials, like sewage,plastic,car tyres, chemical waste, heavy metals, carbon dioxide, methane,bromides,fluorides,that kind of stuff.”
I smiled. “I take it they reward succesful generals on your home planet?”
“Really?”
“No ,no, it's just an Earth expression.”
“Ok,we're mostly interested in really really valuable materials, like sewage,plastic,car tyres, chemical waste, heavy metals, carbon dioxide, methane,bromides,fluorides,that kind of stuff.”
I smiled.“I take it they reward succesful generals on your home planet?”
My own feelings /criticsm: the aliens aren't threatening enough,and not alien enough.
I was enjoying my lunchbreak underneath the oak tree in the courtyard when, somewhat unobtrusively,the alien appeared and walked up to me.
It resembled a tiny upright tapir with moose-like staghorns.
With some pomp,it handed me a small quadrangle of something that felt like plastic ,on which was printed: “Notice of Planetary Takeover”
“Not now,” I said,”come back in twenty minutes.”
It raised the parts of its face that looked like eyebrows.
“I don't understand.”
“Lunch break is sacred.”
“But,but, our spies never mentioned the importance of “lunch breaks” in their reports.”
“I'm betting they missed a lot of things,your spies.But I don't really want to be a spoilsport,
so …
I stuck out a hand.”The name's Ben.”
It tried to shake my hand with a tiny paw and failed.”Vlorg,Plenipotentiary Commander of the Military Invasion force.”
He pointed towards an ugly metallic contraption.”That's our ship,over there.”
“Hmmm, I thought the Municipal Waste Department was a tad early today. Just be careful people don't throw stuff in.And don't eject waste material,or they'll fine you bigtime.”
I started to read.
“Ok,first of all,I'd kick the backside of your legal department.You give no reason for the invasion.”
It managed to yank the notice out of my hands.
“Let me see that.Ok,fair enough.We'll make one up ex post facto.”
“I'll have to warn you: “because we feel like it” is NOT sufficient reason.”
“Drat.”
“One major drawback,legally speaking, is that our planet is the third in our system,and not the fourth.And today is not Thursday,but Wednesday.The whole document is amateurish,ramshackle.”
Vlorg clapped a tiny paw to its forehead.”I had a feeeling something was not right.”
I took the notice out of its paws, pointed to another paragraph.
“Furthermore,our planet does NOT have a single leader to take you to.There are hundreds of them,and you 'd have to approach them through their secretaries,and schedule an appointment with each of them.”
“Our sp..”
“Yes, your spying department needs a major overhaul.I take it nobody told you about secretaries?”
Vlorg lost its temper slightly.
“I'll let the ship blow up that building over there!”
“Actually,that one is scheduled to be demolished.”
He pointed to another office building.”No matter, we'll blow up that building.”
“People might actually enjoy that.There are only a bank and a law firm in that building.”
Still Vlorg wouldn't let up.
“We'll take all your natural resources.”
“Which ones?They're practically gone.Hey, do you want me to reorganize your inteligence Department?”
Vlorg's alien face managed to look despondent.“Tell you what, invading isn't what it used to be.”
”Just out of curiosity:what resources are you planning to plunder?”
Vlorg pondered a moment.”Actually it's quite a big list.”
“Shoot.”
“Really?”
“No ,no, it's just an Earth expression.”
“Ok,we're mostly interested in really really valuable materials, like sewage,plastic,car tyres, chemical waste, heavy metals, carbon dioxide, methane,bromides,fluorides,that kind of stuff.”
I smiled. “I take it they reward succesful generals on your home planet?”
“Really?”
“No ,no, it's just an Earth expression.”
“Ok,we're mostly interested in really really valuable materials, like sewage,plastic,car tyres, chemical waste, heavy metals, carbon dioxide, methane,bromides,fluorides,that kind of stuff.”
I smiled.“I take it they reward succesful generals on your home planet?”
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