Book blurb, Need opinions...

[Avid Scifi Fan]

I'm sorry I haven't been around lately, but I've been focused on the re-write of my book. I changed a few thing, so I figured it might be a good idea to edite the blurb for the back cover.

I'm looking for your opinions no matter how harsh or blunt. I included the original to see what I started with, but if wou want to minimize what you read, just cut straight to the one titled "Re-Write". Please let me know what you like or don't about them and if any particular thing would strike up your interest in the book.

Original:
Join the android, Bremick Adonas, and his partners on a futuristic journey across the universe as they investigate a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters. Visit unique places and aliens as the group stages a sting operation to expose the pirates and track their activities back to the mastermind of the operation. Enjoy the characters in their travels as they use their unique skills to get the job done as personalities show through and relationships develop along the way. Follow Bremick and his companions as they go from galaxy to galaxy in an attempt to bring down the Mortonis Syndicate and end the pirate raids.

Re-Write:
Follow Beth as she struggles through the latest challenges in her life as she tries to get away from it all. Little does she know, this is about take her on the journey of a lifetime filled with adventure and romance as she joins the android, Bremick Adonas, and his partners. They take her on a futuristic journey across the universe as they investigate a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters. Personalities show through and relationships develop along the way as they visit unique places and use their unique skills in an attempt to piece together the pirates activities and identify the mastermind of the operation. All in hopes of bringing end the pirate raids.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

All in hopes of bringing end the pirate raids.

All in hopes of bringing an end to the pirate raids.
(Minor proofing quibble, but maybe delete this, it's implied)

I'm no good at this really, I have 7 blurbs and summaries to do. It's not easy to have balance between interesting, spoilers and not giving away the plot. But see what you think:

They take her on a futuristic journey across the universe as they investigate a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters.

maybe madcap or something, not futuristic. Or just journey.

Little does she know, this is about take her

Unexpectedly it takes her

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks for the reply Ray.

I'll probably add the "an" and "to" as it does seem to read better that way. I'll have to think about the word "futuristic" and see if I can find a suitable replacement, deleting it is always an option.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

I'll probably add the "an" and "to" as it does seem to read better

Are you USAian?
I notice they leave out "the" on dates etc, maybe it's a USA / UK thing if you are?

 

[thaddeus6th]

No matter how harsh or blunt? Hmm.... (worth noting I also struggle a lot with this sort of thing, so disregard as you like). As with critiques, I haven't read any others, so there may be repetition of points (or maybe I'll say the exact opposite).

Follow Beth as she struggles through the latest challenges in her life as she tries to get away from it all. - axe all of this. The only strong detail is Beth's name, which you can easily add in the next sentence.

Little does she know, this is about take her on the journey of a lifetime filled with adventure and romance as she joins the android, Bremick Adonas, and his partners. - 'she' to 'Beth'. Perhaps something like 'Little does Beth know she is about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Danger [and romance] await as she escapes Earth with the android Bremick Adonas [and his partners]'. Square brackets for romance because it's not my cup of tea, and for 'partners' because I dislike the word (it can mean anything from executive colleagues to spouse, and lacks warmth). I'd suggest something better but it's not clear whether they're official investigators, police, secret services, private investigators etc etc.

They take her on a futuristic journey across the universe as they investigate a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters. - little enticing details would be good. Ice volcanoes, stellar nurseries, supernova, etc etc.

Personalities show through and relationships develop along the way - too vague. Determination? Grim revenge? True love?

as they visit unique places and use their unique skills - I'd provide hints at least, particularly of the places (if you can sharpen the skills bit, cool, if not, you can always axe it).

in an attempt to piece together the pirates activities and identify the mastermind of the operation. - pirates' [needs an apostrophe]. 'identify' is a soft word. Use something like hunt, track down, kill, apprehend, spank until his bottom turns purple (or her. Women can be evil masterminds too). 'mastermind of the operation' might be sharpened too. Criminal genius, evil genius, criminal mastermind, nefarious crime lord, pirate king etc etc.

All in hopes of bringing end the pirate raids. - 'an end'. Can be sharper, 'ending the piratical reign of terror', 'making the stars safe once again' [although now I read that back it sounds like stopping someone assassinating celebrities], or suchlike.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks Thaddeus,

I'll have to think about sharpening some of the vagueness. I'm trying not to put in any spoilers, but I'm sure I can add something. I was using the word "partners" as it made me think of the old TV cop shows. I find it interesting how it has different meanings.

"piratical" I like it...

 

[thaddeus6th]

That's the joy of blurbs. Very easy to spoil stuff, but you've get to set out the premise and try to get potential readers salivating. If the android's a rozzer, you can always call him 'android policeman Bremick Adonas', and leave 'partners', which will then have the law enforcement connotation.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Wouldn't it be better to treat the book blurb as a thirty word synopsis? Character > what they want > what's/who's stopping them > stakes

What you have at present sounds light and fluffy - Beth has no challenges, she's just going to waltz through the future, and kind of get caught up in some kind of adventure. Because you don't give Beth any goals or desires, she already sounds like a very underdeveloped character, and a jaunt through space with an android has no inherent appeal. Sell the story to us - make it appeal to us like your life depends on it!

2c.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

I agree, it's not very hooky.

 

[Roy1]

Lots of clichés in there and why a ‘futuristic’ journey? Did you mean fantastic?

Why across the universe? Do you really mean that or is it merely the solar system or writ larger, the galaxy?

How's this?
Interstellar piracy is like constipation. It blocks traffic across the spiral arm/the galaxy, local space/starlanes. Bremick Adonas, and his crew mean to unblock the spaceways but, good as they are at blasting/capturing/thwarting a few pirates/raiders, success means finding the organisers and loosening their control/grip on trade.
Beth had her own problems and piracy was no concern for a Londoner/New Yorker/whatever running out on a violent gang war/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/debt but space travel would certainly get her away. Unfortunately joining android pirate hunters didn’t mean she was out of harm's way.

 

[tinkerdan]

Follow Beth as she struggles through the latest challenges in her life as she tries to get away from it all. Little does she know, this is about take her on the journey of a lifetime filled with adventure and romance as she joins the android, Bremick Adonas, and his partners. They take her on a futuristic journey across the universe...

It might help to know if this journey is commonplace in her era; or if she's being kidnapped by aliens.

They take her on a futuristic journey across the universe as they investigate a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters. Personalities show through and relationships develop along the way as they visit unique places and use their unique skills in an attempt to piece together the pirates activities and identify the mastermind of the operation. All in hopes of bringing end the pirate raids.

Unless this is a love story and possibly one with comedic elements I'm not sure it's helpful to say she finds romance.
In a way there are too many words here to say what you mean to say.

In the following, below, I tried to narrow down what you meant; by my understanding from what's above. I don't know if I'm even close. But at the end I added the last sentence based on loose guesses at where this might be going.

To escape her latest life challenges, Beth signs up to assist the android Bremick Adonas. He and his partners cruise the universe on the trail of nefarious cargo-freighter pirates. Their course lands them in exciting places Beth has never seen and the long flight between destinations allows time for her to forge unexpected relationships. Together pooling their unique skills they trace the pirates activities hoping to identify the mastermind of the operation. As they close in, Beth realizes that with the excitement of the hunt comes danger she might not be ready to face.


You know the story so I'm sure you can do it up better. But the measure of how far off I am might tell you something about what some may take from your blurb.

 

[Warren_Paul]

It's very theatrical, both of them. I could see them as the narrative voice over for the trailer of a classic sci-fi show, but I really think they don't suit being book blurbs. The Beth one is a bit better because it's more involved with the character, whereas the original one is more, "don't worry about the story, come see all these fun things happen."

I want to be introduced to Beth (who I'm guessing is the MC) and told why I should care about her.

 

[Hex]

It's too vague. You know the details but we don't, and it's a few telling and interesting details that will sell the story.

So: what's Beth trying to get away from? What does she do to get away from it? <-- establish where Beth is and a little bit about her.

Then the other side, Bremick Adonas (who I assume is the love interest, even though he's an android?). He's on a desperate chase across the universe pursuing a gang of merciless pirates (and it would be great if there was a personal risk/ issue for him here -- e.g. "Who have abducted his cat"/ "who have crippled his home planet, Kubla")

How does Beth get caught up with them? ("When Beth wanders drunkenly onto a ship she thinks is leaving for the pleasure planet of Xanadu..." or "Only Beth, cryptographer and journalist, can find the pattern that explains the pirates' attacks. Faced with no option, Bremick kidnaps her for a nightmare race through the stars..." or "When the pirates steal all the catnip in her garden, Beth joins forces with cat-less android Bremick to bring the thieves to justice")

OK I'm being silly about the story, but my point is serious. More detail -- not tonnes, but a bit more -- will tell us why we should be interested and details about Beth will let us know if we could sympathise with her.

Wanting to end pirate raids is fine, but it's not very personal. I'd love to end pirate raids, but I'm not about to jump on a plane and head over to West Africa to do something about it. So why does Beth? What's personal about it for her?

 

[Toby Frost]

I agree that it sounds very much like an old-school film trailer. I think something on the back of a book needs to be a bit more intimate. Here’s how I’d do it (and this is just my view). I don’t know how light in tone this story is, so there are elements of this that could be played up or down as necessary.

The basic structure I would go for is that a person of a certain type (so “Homicide detective Dirk Bullet”) encounters an exciting problem (so “has two days to solve a murder”), because of or despite of an additional factor that will make things harder and more exciting (and perhaps more personal for the character), so (“before his ex-girlfriend is deported to Finland”). But when an additional element complicates things (“But when Finnish mafia boss Fernando calls in a debt”) things get even more intense (“Dirk finds himself in a deadly game of cat and mouse”).

Obviously, this is daft, but the structure works, I think, for almost any sort of plot-driven novel. It is probably rather formulaic, but it’s like that for a reason: the blurb explains the sort of people involved, the sort of story it is going to be, and lays down questions in the reader’s mind (“Will Dirk solve the murder in time?” “Will the ex be deported?” “Has there ever been a game of cat and mouse that wasn’t deadly?”) that should make the reader want to read on. The structure can be tweaked a bit for style: when I drafted the blurbs for books 2-5 of Space Captain Smith, I made them sound rather over the top with multiple questions of increasingly silliness.

It would start by either saying that Beth has to get away from her circumstances: “To escape her past” or “Beth needs to get away from her past”. If they don’t impinge on the story at all, even as memories, I would start with “Police Officer [or whatever] Beth X joins the crew of…” Here, you’ve got a second main character/important secondary character in Bremick Adonas. So, after a sentence about Beth, I’d put in something about him and his mission. Then, you could say that they become a team (“They must learn to work together” or something like that) to achieve their goal (“to defeat the pirate menace”, etc). Each element you’re mentioning makes the story sound more complicated and exciting, until the ultimate question is asked – “Given all of that, how will they win?”

 

[Boneman]

Doesn't show any danger, any intrigue, any excitement, any interesting characters I'm afraid, so as a book blurb it's not doing what you want it to, which is to hook readers. Whatabout:

Pirate raids have decimated planet X which relies on the space freighters to bring vital supplies. People are dying. [Psychic-sensitive/police investigator/ supermodel/computer genius/gay icon/whatever, but put in something about her] Beth joins the android, Bremick Adonas to destroy the pirates' operations. To do that they must uncover the mastermind behind them, and their pursuit of justice takes them across galaxies, where they become the hunted, and can only rely on each other to survive.

Might not actually reflect your story, so you'd have to change the plot elements I made up, but you do need visceral immediacy, a hook about the most important part of the book. Good luck with it.

 

[Mad Alice]

Avid Scifi Fan, it reads like a travel advert for a cruise.
If that is the effect you are after, I would suggest a rewrite to emphasis this. Perhaps listing your blurb in that modernistic point form style.

You aren't focusing your sale upon your target market. Do you want the romance or adventure market? Ladies or gentleman? This is something you will have to consider when you place your book up for sale as well. So it is the time to think of it, now.

It definitely needs a bit of 'sexing up' from as it is.

Start with your main selling points. Then add in your spicy bits.

For example;

Beth thought she was getting away from it all, joining

Bremick Adonas, intergalactic sleuth and Android extraodinaire, upon a calm little cruise across the backwater emptiness of known space. Unfortunately the Pirates, bounty hunters, and nameless rogues of all descriptions make it a little difficult. Even more uncalming is her discovery that the steely Bremick has a very soft side. One that to her delight, her newly met man of steel would be only too glad to share.

But the new sparks that are flying from more then the electrical grids, may be abruptly extinguished if the Mortonis Syndicate has anything to do with it. Unless our intrepid travelers can manage to trap the Syndicate's Pirates, more then Beth's Love Life might be torpedoed. With their lives on the line, will Beth and her man of steel be able to save themselves, their ship, and Galactic Peace as we know it?

(Whoops! Boneman beat me to it!)

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks all for the comments. I added some more detail to address them the best I could think of and added a few spoilers from the first few chapters (not sure how to get around that, suggestions are welcome). It's more of an adventure story with a hint of romance versus a romance with a hint of adventure. Please let me know your thoughts.

*****

Beth Larson, an engineer at a top research facility, struggled with a failing relationship. In an attempt to get away from it all, she sought out a dangerous field assignment. Little did she know, this was about to take her on the journey of a lifetime. She met her contact in the field, Jake Johnson, an attractive young coalition soldier who discovered some wreckage and a damaged alien android.

Bremick Adonas, a well seasoned android regent with Central Command, and his partners were investigating a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters that spanned several star systems. During a sting operation, his ship was ambushed by the pirates. He was badly damaged in the attack and became stranded on Earth, a primitive world by his standards.

Recognizing the potential in their skills and in gratitude for their assistance in his recovery, Bremick invited Beth and Jake to accompany him on his investigation. The journey takes them across the universe and into a highly advanced society, where Beth meets Bremick’s partners and competes for Jake’s attention. She sorts out her feelings for Jake and Bremick with the hope of findng her soulmate. They visit unique places and use their special skills in an attempt to piece together the pirates’ activities and identify the mastermind of the operation, all in hopes of bringing an end to the pirate raids.

 

[Toby Frost]

My immediate thought would be to put it all into the present tense and adjust the, er, pluperfect? accordingly, so "Has discovered some wreckage..." I would also get rid of vague phrases such as "some wreckage", "sorts out" and "unique places and special skills". Similarly, a phrase like "in an attempt to get away from it all" could be shortened to "Needing a new start". Most of the bits about what someone thinks or feels could go, like "Recognising the potential in their skills and in gratitude for their assistance". What I think you need is who these people are, what their problem is, and perhaps what they must do to survive/succeed/become happy again. The longer, more waffly phrases reduce the excitement-quota and make it all seem less punchy.

Basically, my instinct would be to tighten everything and make it sound more tense. It needs to feel that something really substantial is at stake for these people. It's not a matter of "Would you like to come round the galaxy with me and maybe stop some pirates", it's "I need your help or pirates will kill thousands of people" (or "You're coming with me"). So, I would change the second paragraph to read:

"Android Bremick Adonas is sent by Central Command to investigate [perhaps a stronger word than this. How about "stop"?] pirate raids on cargo freighters in the [name of region]. When a sting operation goes terribly wrong, his ship is ambushed by pirates and he is left stranded on Earth."

Then I think you should have another sentence about what he must do. I would start the next para with "Bremick recruits Beth and Jake..."

I realise that not every book needs a back-cover blurb like the next Bourne novel, but I've seen romance novels written in a similar way: "Now Sarah must decide whether she can escape her past to be with the man that she loves" etc. The point is that it feels as if something serious is at stake.

 

[HareBrain]

Like Toby says, this needs to be in present tense -- all blurbs are, like all synopses -- and a lot tighter. Cut all detail that isn't essential or interesting. The following still lacks something, but I think it's probably along the lines you should aim for:

____

Struggling with a failed relationship, engineer Beth Larson seeks out a dangerous field assignment. Her contact, a coalition soldier called Jake, has just discovered some wreckage and a damaged alien android.

This turns out to be Bremick Adonas, stranded survivor of a failed sting operation against a plague of pirate raids. He persuades Beth and Jake to aid his investigation, which takes them to an advanced alien world and to the lair of the criminal mastermind behind the pirate attacks.

 

[Roy1]

What do you all think about cliches in blurbs? There are plenty here but maybe they are OK in blurbs.
"Beth Larson, an engineer at a top research facility, struggled with a failing relationship. In an attempt to get away from it all, she sought out a dangerous field assignment. Little did she know, this was about to take her on the journey of a lifetime. She met her contact in the field, Jake Johnson, an attractive young coalition soldier who discovered some wreckage and a damaged alien android.
"Bremick Adonas, a well seasoned android regent with Central Command, and his partners were investigating a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters that spanned several star systems. During a sting operation, his ship was ambushed by the pirates. He was badly damaged in the attack and became stranded on Earth, a primitive world by his standards.
"Recognizing the potential in their skills and in gratitude for their assistance in his recovery, Bremick invited Beth and Jake to accompany him on his investigation. The journey takes them across the universe and into a highly advanced society, where Beth meets Bremick’s partners and competes for Jake’s attention. She sorts out her feelings for Jake and Bremick with the hope of findng her soulmate. They visit unique places and use their special skills in an attempt to piece together the pirates’ activities and identify the mastermind of the operation, all in hopes of bringing an end to the pirate raids."

Is it slightly sexist in its attitudes? I'd say it was but it's only a blurb, maybe that's OK.