C. J. Watterson
Author
Hey guys, seems like there is a lot of critiquing activity on here, so I thought I'd post up a sample of my WIP. This is the very first scene in my new book following the career, prophesies, rise and probable eventual fall of Magen Agasan. The title is too lame to publish under, just a placeholder. I write a mix of SF/Fantasy, but the scene below is pure Space Opera. This is a very early draft, I have spelling and grammar checked it - but no need to get overly pernickity since most of it will probably end up re-written about 20 times.
Bearing in mind this is the very first scene an avid fan of the new book will read, I think it's rather critical to get right. You may note the lack of description of some of the characters, the reader should be familiar with some of them - maybe it should be written as if they are first time readers? All comments welcome - now to time how long it takes the piranhas to skeletonize my sacred cow.
Scene Below:
A Seaton light cruiser, or ‘Scout’ class warship emerged from behind the dark side of Asteroid 281, completing her orbit. As the sunlight blazed across her prow, the lettering of her name could the read, “Destroyer”. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston HELs speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply.
Liquid oxygen and fuel flowed out in her wake, her hull already pierced in many vital places. The two forward gun-ports gaped open but her main cannons remained mute; empty gun emplacements for her light anti-fighter turrets blotched her skin. The Destroyer was all but toothless; the only remaining armament that worked was her crew. Repair bots, maintenance platforms and the occasional engineer dressed in full EVA suit flurried across the stricken ship’s hull. Furiously they tried to staunch her wounds – but time was up.
Hiding in the shadow had given a brief respite. It was mainly for Magen to collect his thoughts. As comms were restored, reports began to stream in from their sister ship the ‘Unbreakable’ and the mining colony on the asteroid below.
“Outpost 281 has surrendered,” Ogher advised, “That means the Es’ston landers made it past Unbreakable.” With only a century of marines to defend it, that was not much of a surprise.
Nearly five years Magen had been at this game, three years ago he’d become captain replacing his mentor, and he now felt it had been too early. He’d never been so outmatched before. The Es’ston carriers had caught them by surprise and managed to take the Destroyer and Unbreakable one at a time. Magen was nearly half an hour late to battle.
“Put me through to Commander Mattias,” Magen ordered his comms officer.
He knew Mattias from quite a while back, when he had commanded a division of swordsmen from Gahon. Mattias had not been slipstreamed into captaincy like Magen; instead, he had trained two more years and had only recently become master of the Unbreakable. The thing that always distinguished Mattias was his fondness for small furry animals.
Today his familiar was a stern faced giant eagle, perched on the arm of the captain’s chair. It had to take some patience and time to teach these animals to adapt to zero gravity. Mattias was the image of his eagle as he appeared on the holographic display.
“Magen we’ve had it,” the Unbreakable’s commanding officer stated. “We’ve lost steerage, and within the next few minutes they’re going to board us…”
“What are you suggesting?” Magen demanded.
“Run – dammit! What do you think I’m saying? We’ve lost!”
No one could help them in these outer reaches. Even a days’ trip from Seatus would be too late.
“Mattias isn’t the only one who’s going to be boarded,” Ogher pointed out the incoming boarding pods on the tactical display. “You’d better make a decision.” He could tell Magen was prevaricating.
“Is there nothing you can do? Do you need time to get your engines back online – can we tow you?” Magen ignored Ogher.
“No – just get out of here. You can out-run them…” Mattias waved his hand, “Our engines are trash, I’m going to surrender before we waste any more lives.”
Magen held his eye, “We’ll come back for you…”
“If you find us here – if not, we’ll see you at the war’s end. Out.” The display fizzled to nothingness.
“Saar’ha – bring our engines to full power…”
“Where to?” Saar’ha raised an eyebrow.
Magen gazed at the star map. They couldn’t risk running through the Es’ston fleet. That limited their choices. One lonely sector on the outer rim seemed to beckon and the random pattern of numbers identifying it seemed to stick in his memory. He selected it.
“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained to the crew on the command deck.
“Okay,” Saar’ha keyed in the co-ordinates and set the course.
The Destroyer veered sharply away from the inbound ships. Astonishingly, all the Es’ston fighters and pods immediately turned about and headed back to their carriers. The carriers themselves began repositioning and shortly their engines powered up and they began to gather way. The Es’stons were going to give chase. Only a token force would remain to handle Mattias surrender.
“Prepare for gravity to be restored,” the ship’s computer announced as they began to accelerate.
Bearing in mind this is the very first scene an avid fan of the new book will read, I think it's rather critical to get right. You may note the lack of description of some of the characters, the reader should be familiar with some of them - maybe it should be written as if they are first time readers? All comments welcome - now to time how long it takes the piranhas to skeletonize my sacred cow.
Scene Below:
A Seaton light cruiser, or ‘Scout’ class warship emerged from behind the dark side of Asteroid 281, completing her orbit. As the sunlight blazed across her prow, the lettering of her name could the read, “Destroyer”. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston HELs speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply.
Liquid oxygen and fuel flowed out in her wake, her hull already pierced in many vital places. The two forward gun-ports gaped open but her main cannons remained mute; empty gun emplacements for her light anti-fighter turrets blotched her skin. The Destroyer was all but toothless; the only remaining armament that worked was her crew. Repair bots, maintenance platforms and the occasional engineer dressed in full EVA suit flurried across the stricken ship’s hull. Furiously they tried to staunch her wounds – but time was up.
Hiding in the shadow had given a brief respite. It was mainly for Magen to collect his thoughts. As comms were restored, reports began to stream in from their sister ship the ‘Unbreakable’ and the mining colony on the asteroid below.
“Outpost 281 has surrendered,” Ogher advised, “That means the Es’ston landers made it past Unbreakable.” With only a century of marines to defend it, that was not much of a surprise.
Nearly five years Magen had been at this game, three years ago he’d become captain replacing his mentor, and he now felt it had been too early. He’d never been so outmatched before. The Es’ston carriers had caught them by surprise and managed to take the Destroyer and Unbreakable one at a time. Magen was nearly half an hour late to battle.
“Put me through to Commander Mattias,” Magen ordered his comms officer.
He knew Mattias from quite a while back, when he had commanded a division of swordsmen from Gahon. Mattias had not been slipstreamed into captaincy like Magen; instead, he had trained two more years and had only recently become master of the Unbreakable. The thing that always distinguished Mattias was his fondness for small furry animals.
Today his familiar was a stern faced giant eagle, perched on the arm of the captain’s chair. It had to take some patience and time to teach these animals to adapt to zero gravity. Mattias was the image of his eagle as he appeared on the holographic display.
“Magen we’ve had it,” the Unbreakable’s commanding officer stated. “We’ve lost steerage, and within the next few minutes they’re going to board us…”
“What are you suggesting?” Magen demanded.
“Run – dammit! What do you think I’m saying? We’ve lost!”
No one could help them in these outer reaches. Even a days’ trip from Seatus would be too late.
“Mattias isn’t the only one who’s going to be boarded,” Ogher pointed out the incoming boarding pods on the tactical display. “You’d better make a decision.” He could tell Magen was prevaricating.
“Is there nothing you can do? Do you need time to get your engines back online – can we tow you?” Magen ignored Ogher.
“No – just get out of here. You can out-run them…” Mattias waved his hand, “Our engines are trash, I’m going to surrender before we waste any more lives.”
Magen held his eye, “We’ll come back for you…”
“If you find us here – if not, we’ll see you at the war’s end. Out.” The display fizzled to nothingness.
“Saar’ha – bring our engines to full power…”
“Where to?” Saar’ha raised an eyebrow.
Magen gazed at the star map. They couldn’t risk running through the Es’ston fleet. That limited their choices. One lonely sector on the outer rim seemed to beckon and the random pattern of numbers identifying it seemed to stick in his memory. He selected it.
“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained to the crew on the command deck.
“Okay,” Saar’ha keyed in the co-ordinates and set the course.
The Destroyer veered sharply away from the inbound ships. Astonishingly, all the Es’ston fighters and pods immediately turned about and headed back to their carriers. The carriers themselves began repositioning and shortly their engines powered up and they began to gather way. The Es’stons were going to give chase. Only a token force would remain to handle Mattias surrender.
“Prepare for gravity to be restored,” the ship’s computer announced as they began to accelerate.
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