Magen Series, Book 3: Master of the Destroyer, Scene 1

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OK CJ, I may have been preaching too much. With all our responsibilities etc. finding time is hard (I should feel guilty for shooting Ray who is time rich, but no, 600k words is still 600k words - and it was a well aimed shot). We do our best mate, what more can we do (apart from shoot Ray, who was here - where did he go?).
 
Well, it's probably important for someone to hear, I just wouldn't want to appear any MORE arrogant than I actually am. I'm okay with shooting Ray for his 600k words, good thing HE has all that time on his hands for the endless re-writes. Word on the street is he has a room full of monkeys with tablet PCs running random word generators 24/7 and mining bitcoins. Expect Shakespeare's complete works this time next year.
 
I guess it all depends on your aims and aspirations. Omniscient POV may indeed be fine - perhaps a little reading up on the strengths and weakness of Omniscient might give you some pointers to strengthen the text. And while I may have found it confusing, I have a narrow range of tolerance with fiction.

Ultimately, it's all personal decision - feedback on Critiques isn't an objective view - it is merely feedback, to be used or ignored as the poster sees fit. It's not uncommon to disagree with some comments, and agree with others.

My personal opinion is that there is a potentially good story here I am looking forward to shortly picking up Jack Campbell's Fearless , so I'm very much in the mood for something like this. However, some things could perhaps be clearer, smoother, more punchy. It's entirely up to you whether such comments are relevant.

(My WiP first draft came in at 700k. I got it down to 250k, then 190k, 140k, and now 120k. But I am playing a very long game, and have the privilege of time. That's the only way I can conquer the world. :D )
 
Thanks for that Brian, I might dip into the Jack Campbell stuff. If there's a particular scene that really stands out as a good example, maybe you can pm it - I'm sure you're quite busy of course, so totally understand if you leave me to my own devices. I have quite a reading backlog a.t.m. Although currently whiling away the time reading a Children's SF from the 50's, while enjoyable, may not be the best targeted of research efforts...
 
Just going to jump in on the Omniscient PoV conversation going on here and actually point out that I don't really see any indication of an omniscient PoV at all in this piece, because it's neither Omniscient PoV or 3rd person limited, but trying to be both and achieving neither at the same time.

I like how @psychotick put it in the GWD thread about PoV we were having awhile back.

[...]I do have an issue with 3rd omni and have pointed it out in a couple of crits here and elsewhere. The issue is head hopping as others have said. Done well this shouldn't be an issue, but too often those trying to write 3rd omni end up simply switching between one person's inner thoughts and anothers, often in the same paragraph, and as a reader I'm left floundering - Who am I reading? How did I get here? It's because they aren't writing third omni, they're writing third close from multiple perspectives. [...]

I'll say what I always say:

While it isn't as popular now as it once was, I've seen some fantastic omniscient narrator writing in recent years, some even showing up on the critique boards here, but what they have that makes them work is a voice and depth to the narrator themselves.

If you really, really want to write in omniscient then I think you need to decide for yourself who the narrator character is. They might not be somebody present in the scene, or perhaps they are one of the characters many years later telling us a story about what happened back then. But they are somebody who knows what happens and can effectively relate the events of the story while adding their own unique voice and thoughts to the scenes. Done this way, at least to me, it no longer feels like you're skipping between characters/perspectives because it's all seen from the PoV of the narrator.
 
Your first paragraph threw me right out of the airlock - To the extent I probably wouldn't read the rest. Harsh, but that's why crit boards exist. :)

The good news is it's easy to fix.

A Seaton light cruiser, or ‘Scout’ class warship emerged from behind the dark side of Asteroid 281, completing her orbit. As the sunlight blazed across her prow, the lettering of her name could the read, “Destroyer”. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston HELs speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply.

A light cruiser is a warship type, so is a destroyer. If one type exists, chances are the other will too. If you are going to keep to nautical types then for a reader like me at least, you need to follow it.

The first sentence could also use clearing up. I'm not sure what a Seaton is, I'm guessing the faction? but then you contradict it like the ship '"Destroyer" can be defined in both ways. Assuming it is a faction -

The Seaton 'Scout' class light cruiser swung out from behind the dark side of Asteroid 281, As she emerged from the shadow, the harsh/warm/piercing (you can probably set tone with the description of intensity) *blue/white/red* (helps to visualise) light of *maybe give star name* blazed/washed across the ship's battle-scarred hammerhead (As Parson would probably tell, I've started constructing a Honorverse ship there - but again helping to describe without a pure infodump use saucer section, boxy or whatever) prow, revealing her name - Destroyer.

parring down for example

The Seaton 'Scout' class light cruiser swung out from behind the dark side of Asteroid 281. As she emerged from the shadow, the harsh red light of Barnard's Star washed across the ship's battle-scarred hammerhead prow, revealing her name - Destroyer.


I think something of that kind would be a bit more gripping... but you'd still have to give her a different name.

As with another crit on here, remember in order from small to large - destroyer, frigate, cruiser, battlecruiser, battleship with light and heavy versions of most of those.
 
Word on the street is he has a room full of monkeys with tablet PCs running random word generators 24/7 and mining bitcoins. Expect Shakespeare's complete works this time next year.

No that's me, but the monkeys have not worked out to plan. It was peanuts and the odd nana when I contracted them to work for me, but since then relations have broken down. They have been on strike for over a year now looking for actual money, which I'm not giving them. The spare room is a no go zone and I won't even mention the smell - I'm sure this strike is now a dirty protest. I've tried to move them on to anyone, I'm not fussy these days, there yours if you want them, do you want some monkeys? They come with their own placards (clubs more like, they certainly hit me with their strike notices often enough) and everything. Please take them....
 
A light cruiser is a warship type, so is a destroyer
Admittedly, "Destroyer" as a name of the ship might be a little confusing - it also happens to be one of the few you might actually use for the name of a ship. I'll add in some indication what the ship actually looks like. Thanks for the crit.

I don't really see any indication of an omniscient PoV at all in this piece
Now on the narrative style. By definition, it is definitely Omniscient Third Person. No reference to 'I' or 'you', and details are relayed that the main character could not easily know. Granted, Magen could be surveying his ship using a camera drone. Using tricks to replicate the same scene in restricted Third Person seems a little silly of course. Throughout, it remains omniscient, but with minor modification could be restricted Third Person since it so closely follows Magen and is subjective - leading to Brian's orginal crit and suggestion I just dump omniscient entirely (perhaps a subtle denial of my godhood). I don't believe I actually fell into head hopping, but I'd see that as the biggest potential pitfall. Thanks for the 2c Paul

The ideas of adding more character to the omniscient narrator and less subjectivity OR switching to restricted Third Person are good ones to make the scene more captivating... and easier to classify for the piranhas. Mmmh this cow tastes funny, must be one of those ones that isn't black or white.
 
Speaking as a reader and as an aspiring, rather than actual, writer:

Before I disarticulate your excerpt, I should comment that it's a skeleton with potential.

maybe it should be written as if they are first time readers? Definitely. I picked up both Weber's Honor Harrington series and Jack Campbell's Lost Stars series part-way through, and liked the books enough to go back and read the earlier books. Even when I start with the first book of a series, publishing schedules often mean that I've forgotten a lot of detail when the next book comes out.



Scene Below:

A Seaton light cruiser, or ‘Scout’ class warship emerged from behind the dark side of Asteroid 281, completing her orbit. As the sunlight blazed across her prow, the lettering of her name could the read, “Destroyer”. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston HELs speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply. "Greet" ( meant ironically, I assume), might work later in the book, but as I don't know what a HEL is, it just confuses me here.

Liquid oxygen and fuel flowed out in her wake, her hull already pierced in many vital places. The two forward gun-ports gaped open but her main cannons remained mute; empty gun emplacements for her light anti-fighter turrets blotched her skin. This is a long sentence without much to make me care. I'm more interested in why the gun emplacements are empty than in the type of armaments they housed --and you don't tell me that. The Destroyer was all but toothless; the only remaining armament that worked was her crew. Repair bots, maintenance platforms and the occasional engineer dressed in full EVA suit flurried across the stricken ship’s hull. Furiously they tried to staunch her wounds – but time was up. This might be a good opportunity to make me care; how does that engineer feel about having to abandon his work before the ship's "wounds are staunched", and how does he react?

Hiding in the shadow had given a brief respite. It was mainly for Magen to collect his thoughts. What are those thoughts? As comms were restored, reports began to stream in from their sister ship the ‘Unbreakable’ and the mining colony on the asteroid below.

“Outpost 281 has surrendered,” Ogher advised, “That means the Es’ston landers made it past Unbreakable.” With only a century of marines to defend it, that was not much of a surprise. Which "it" are you referring to -- Outpost 281 or Unbreakable?

Nearly five years Magen had been at this game, three years ago he’d become captain replacing his mentor, and he now felt it had been too early. He’d never been so outmatched before. The Es’ston carriers had caught them by surprise and managed to take the Destroyer and Unbreakable one at a time. Magen was nearly half an hour late to battle. I don't know the context of this sentence.

“Put me through to Commander Mattias,” Magen ordered his comms officer.

He knew Mattias from quite a while back, when he Mattias or Magen? had commanded a division of swordsmen from Gahon.This is confusing; in most military fiction, army and (space) navy are different chains of command. Mattias had not been slipstreamed into captaincy like Magen; instead, he had trained two more years and had only recently become master of the Unbreakable. The thing that always distinguished Mattias was his fondness for small furry animals. I think the paragraph break should go before this sentence, rather than after it.

Today his familiar was a stern faced giant eagle The inference that the eagle was a small furry animal disconcerted me., perched on the arm of the captain’s chair. It had to take some patience and time to teach these animals Why animals? You've only told us about one specific animal -- the eagle. to adapt to zero gravity. Mattias was the image of his eagle as he appeared on the holographic display.

“Magen we’ve had it,” the Unbreakable’s commanding officer stated. “We’ve lost steerage, and within the next few minutes they’re going to board us…”

“What are you suggesting?” Magen demanded.

“Run – dammit! What do you think I’m saying? We’ve lost!”

No one could help them in these outer reaches. Even a days’ trip from Seatus would be too late.

“Mattias isn’t the only one who’s going to be boarded,” Ogher pointed out the incoming boarding pods on the tactical display. “You’d better make a decision.” He could tell Magen was prevaricating.

“Is there nothing you can do? Do you need time to get your engines back online – can we tow you?” Magen ignored Ogher.

“No – just get out of here. You can out-run them…” Mattias waved his hand, “Our engines are trash, I’m going to surrender before we waste any more lives.”

Magen held his eye, “We’ll come back for you…”

“If you find us here – if not, we’ll see you at the war’s end. Out.” The display fizzled to nothingness.

“Saar’ha – bring our engines to full power…”

“Where to?” Saar’ha raised an eyebrow.

Magen gazed at the star map. They couldn’t risk running through the Es’ston fleet. That limited their choices. One lonely sector on the outer rim seemed to beckon and the random pattern of numbers identifying it seemed to stick in his memory. You used "seemed" twice in this sentence. He selected it.

“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained to the crew on the command deck.

“Okay,” Saar’ha keyed in the co-ordinates and set the course.

The Destroyer veered sharply away from the inbound ships. Astonishingly, all the Es’ston fighters and pods immediately turned about and headed back to their carriers. The carriers themselves began repositioning and shortly their engines powered up and they began to gather way. The two "began"s and the "shortly" in this sentence reduce its impact; I think something ominous might be happening but I don't feel it. The Es’stons were going to give chase. Only a token force would remain to handle Mattias surrender.

“Prepare for gravity to be restored,” the ship’s computer announced as they began to accelerate.
 
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Speaking as a reader and as an aspiring, rather than actual, writer:

Before I disarticulate your excerpt, I should comment that it's a skeleton with potential.
Thanks, that's excellent fine level course correction there. I'll be resurrecting the cow, being sacred it has to have some kind of special powers. Maybe tomorrow, I have a plan to discombobulate my laptop tonight.
 
I myself enjoyed the read. The POV did not interfere at all for me, and no confusion resulted from the ambiguity/"POV indecisiveness" that others criticize here.
Everyone seems so safe, regardless of the conflict and I think that is due to the POV use
This.
For the opening I really felt the description of the damage to the destroyer should have been clear right from the opening and not described in the second paragraph. I felt cheated, as the opening with sun descriptions etc. gave no hint of what was to come.
I agree with this. You paint a very serene scene at first, and then you tell us it's really not. The description of the damage also seems way too calm and quiet. I can't imagine shouts, flying sparks and generalized desperation/urgency. The cinematic aspect of omnicient in that particular paragraph gives the reader eyes from way-too-afar, and no sound.
The aside of how Magen became captain detracted from the action, this I felt should come later. As you opened with an action scene, stay with the action. I was a little surprised that nothing actually happened at the end, as in, your main character turned and left.
I agree Magen's ascension to command detail is out of place. I had no issue with the ending being they run away though. But I would've liked the chase scene to be included as part of the first chapter (at least the first half of the chase), so as to end with something a bit more enticing, to make me want to turn the page.

I think some critiques have gotten bogged down in unnecessary detail,. The identity and whereabouts of Ogher, for example, did not interest me as it is irrelevant to the story at the present time, and he is only there to transmit info and push the scene forward, so I don't need to know how he is dressed or where he is on the bridge. I assume he is a crewmember under Magen's orders, and that assumption is enough for now. If CJ were to start describing him and his connection to Magen, I'm sure others would protest that the author is getting bogged down in cluttering off-plot detail and slowing the pace. Going a bit overboard is also a comment by TitaniumTi. While the rest of his critique is spot-on, this I couldn't agree with: "This might be a good opportunity to make me care; how does that engineer (the one floating in space) feel about having to abandon his work before the ship's "wounds are staunched", and how does he react?-- that seems over-the-top detail to me, and going down that path would mean having to give every single cannon fodder guy their own chapter.

There was very little emotion, character placement (what did the bridge look like, standing or sitting etc.)
Unless the command deck is some outlandish alien-organic sentient magic thing, I think it doesn't have to be described immediately to follow the scene correctly. We all know more or less what a command deck is what its function is. It can be explored in quieter times, and since this story is part of a series, it might not need to be described ever again. At least for now, it would detract from the action, which is something you yourself have said is no good. I do agree about the little emotion thing.

However, some things could perhaps be clearer, smoother, more punchy.
Punchy is the word. Yeah, the scene is kinda bland and there is no real sense of danger, urgency, desperation, or out-of-option-jitters Magen should be getting and showing (as well as the crew).
 
Hi,

I'll do my usual line by line:

A Seaton light cruiser, or ‘Scout’ class warship (Too much information. This is the opening scene. Just one name for the ship. Somewhere down the line you can broaden it.) emerged from behind the dark side of Asteroid 281, completing her orbit (Technically orbits aren't complete. They continue.). As the sunlight blazed across her prow, the lettering of her name could the read, “Destroyer”. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston HELs (Who? What? I'm coming at this fresh and have no idea who Es'ton is or HEL.) speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply.

Liquid oxygen and fuel flowed (Since she's damaged, how about gushed. Something that indicates damage not regularity.)out in her wake, her hull already (Why already?) pierced in many vital places. The two forward gun-ports gaped open but her main cannons remained mute (Unless she's actually in a fight why wouldn't they be mute?); empty (Empty? Do you mean ruined? Destroyed?) gun emplacements for her light anti-fighter turrets blotched her skin. The Destroyer was all but toothless; the only remaining armament that worked was her crew. (Crew aren't armament. Their side arms might be.) Repair bots, maintenance platforms and the occasional engineer dressed in full EVA suit flurried (Floated?) across the stricken ship’s hull. Furiously they tried to staunch her wounds – but time was up.

Hiding in the shadow had given a brief respite. (New para. Also who had been given a brief respite? Which ship?)

It was mainly (OK mainly makes no sense.) for Magen to collect his thoughts. As comms were restored, reports began to stream in from their sister ship the ‘Unbreakable’ and the mining colony on the asteroid below. (So which ship is he on?)

“Outpost 281 has surrendered,” Ogher advised, “That means the Es’ston landers made it past Unbreakable.” With only a century (Centurion?) of marines to defend it, that was not much of a surprise (Defence?).

Nearly five years Magen had been at this game, (New sentence) three years ago he’d become captain replacing his mentor, and he now felt it had been too early. He’d never been so outmatched before. The Es’ston carriers had caught them by surprise and managed to take the Destroyer and Unbreakable one at a time. Magen was (Had been?) nearly half an hour late to battle.

“Put me through to Commander Mattias,” Magen ordered his comms officer.

He knew Mattias from quite a while back, when he had commanded a division of swordsmen (You'll have to explain this term.) from Gahon. Mattias had not been slipstreamed into captaincy like Magen; instead, he had trained two more years and had only recently become master of the Unbreakable.

(This sentence doesn't flow from the previous one. Shoehorn it into the next para.)The thing that always distinguished Mattias was his fondness for small furry animals.

Today his familiar (wizards now?) was a stern faced giant eagle, perched on the arm of the captain’s chair. It had to take some patience and time to teach these animals to adapt to zero gravity. (Not to mention getting them not to bite him.) Mattias was the image of his eagle as he appeared on the holographic display.

“Magen we’ve had it,” the Unbreakable’s commanding officer stated. (Give him some emotion. Stated? No. Talk about the slumping posture and the worry lines in his face.) “We’ve lost steerage, and within the next few minutes they’re going to board us…”

“What are you suggesting?” (Saying?) Magen demanded.

“Run – dammit! What do you think I’m saying? We’ve lost!”

No one could help them in these outer reaches. Even a days’ trip from Seatus would be too late. (You mean reinforcements a day away.)

“Mattias isn’t the only one who’s going to be boarded,” Ogher pointed out the incoming boarding pods on the tactical display. “You’d better make a decision.” He could tell Magen was prevaricating. (OK, who's in command of this ship? Is Ohger telling the captain what to do? I assumed he was just the comms officer.)

“Is there nothing you can do? Do you need time to get your engines back online – can we tow you?” Magen ignored Ogher.

“No – just get out of here. You can out-run them…” Mattias waved his hand, “Our engines are trash, (New sentence.) I’m going to surrender before we waste any more lives.”

Magen held his eye, “We’ll come back for you…”

“If you find us here (You mean if they're still there they might be able to come back for them.) – if not, we’ll see you at the war’s end. Out.” The display fizzled to nothingness.

“Saar’ha – bring our engines to full power…”

“Where to?” Saar’ha raised an eyebrow.

Magen gazed at the star map. They couldn’t risk running through the Es’ston fleet. That limited their choices. One lonely sector on the outer rim seemed to beckon and the random pattern of numbers identifying it seemed to stick in his memory. He selected it.

“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained (Captains, especially in war, don't explain. They inform their crew of their decisions.) to the crew on the command deck.

“Okay,” Saar’ha keyed in the co-ordinates and set the course.

The Destroyer (Damn. I thought the Destroyer was the crippled ship.) veered sharply away from the inbound ships. Astonishingly, all the Es’ston fighters and pods immediately turned about and headed back to their carriers. The carriers themselves began repositioning and shortly their engines powered up and they began to gather way. The Es’stons were going to give chase. Only a token force would remain to handle Mattias surrender.

“Prepare for gravity to be restored,” the ship’s computer announced as they began to accelerate.


Ok, to me there are several issues with this. First this is an opening scene and I'm comming at it fresh. I need some more detail to make sense of things. Next I absolutely need more labels of who is who, which ship is which ship. And third I can live with ships being called "her" but only to a limit. Last and this is vital, your characters need some depth. I need to know who they are. What weighs on their minds. Their situations. Their emotions.

Hope that helps.

Cheers, Greg.
 
“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained (Captains, especially in war, don't explain. They inform their crew of their decisions.) to the crew on the command deck.
Crews also mutiny from time to time. Some good points here I'm currently incorporating, thanks Greg.

Still processing and fat reducing. Had a first blast last night, but it's now so bloated and unwieldy I need to spend some time distilling it down. I don't want to answer all the readers questions in this scene, so bearing that in mind - cutting the fluff, upping the emotion, highlighting the important questions. By the end of the scene the readers shouldn't be asking themselves what shape the ship was - they should be gagging for the next part.
 
Fleet of Foot

A Seaton 'Scout' class light cruiser emerged from the shadow of Asteroid 281, completing her swing-by. As the sunlight lazily fell across her prow, the lettering of her name could be read; S.D.F. Destroyer. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston High Energy Lasers (HELs) speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply.

It was evident that she was badly damaged, like a punch drunk boxer; she had no fight left in her. Liquid oxygen and fuel flowed out in her wake, her hull pierced in many vital places. The two forward gun-ports gaped open but her main plasma cannons remained mute. Her skin was blotched where her anti-fighter plasma-gun turrets had been blasted or gouged out by HEL fire and rail-gun shot.

The only working armament that remained was her crew. Repair bots, maintenance platforms and the occasional engineer dressed in full EVA suit flurried across the stricken ship’s hull. Furiously they tried to staunch her wounds – but time was up.

In the relative safety of the Destroyer’s gimballed command deck, Captain Magen Agasan could almost believe that this wasn’t happening. At his order, all the alarms were silenced. Only the flashing warnings on the ship status display could remind him of the true state of affairs. The crew were tense, waiting in expectation to see how the battle had unfolded in the few moments respite they’d stolen. Solemnity reigned, almost like a funeral.

Magen sat in his chair, back from the holographic tactical display, his eyes closed and his hands together as if in prayer. He didn’t need the display; it was burned in his mind’s eye. Three Es’ston carriers, two Seaton scouts and the mining colony they defended below.

He was beginning to feel his meteoric rise to captaincy was too fast. The Es’ston commanders had completely outwitted them, managing to lure the Destroyer away from her sister ship the Unbreakable to fight three on one.

Telemetry and reports began to stream in from the Unbreakable and the mining colony, stirring the crew back into action.

“Captain?” Ogher coughed, to gain his attention, “Outpost 281 has surrendered. That means Unbreakable wasn’t able to hold the Es’ston landers back.”

Magen could sense the barely supressed triumphalism in his First Officer’s voice. Ogher knew this would be the case, as the senior tactical advisor, that was his job. Dark, burly and gruff, his face hidden in a thick wiry black beard, at first glance one might have thought he was the captain. He was certainly more intimidating than the slight figure Magen cut.

“So we’ve lost – that doesn’t leave us with many options,” Magen mused ruefully.

“It doesn’t leave us with any options, Sir,” Ogher replied in his typical blunt manner.

He was almost insubordinate. They had a simple working relationship; Magen made the decisions, Ogher made it happen. Magen was not ready to give up easily, yet even now, the Destroyer was poised to make a run for it using the momentum they’d gathered from the sling shot. Ogher was hedging his bets.

“Comms? Put me through to Commander Mattias,” Magen ordered.

Mattias, master of the Unbreakable.He’d held the position only a few months, but he’d been in training much longer than Magen. The thing that distinguished Mattias, was his fondness for small furry animals. His familiar, Marvin, a malevolent ferret-like creature was could be seen perched on his shoulder as he appeared on the holographic display. It had to take some patience and time to teach these animals to adapt to zero gravity, never-mind training them not to bite.

“What’s your status?”

“Magen, we’ve had it,” the Unbreakable’s commanding officer stated resignedly. “We’ve lost steerage, and soon we’ll be boarded.”

“Is there nothing you can do? Do you need time to get your engines back online – could we tow you?” Magen was feeling desperate now.

There was no one else to help them in these outer reaches. So vast was the theatre of war across the shared solar system of the Seatons and Es’stons, the closest ship was months away.

“Our engines are trash, we can’t possibly re-take the outpost with the few marines we have between us. You won’t escape if you try to tow us,” Mattias hesitated, “I’m going to surrender before we lose any more lives…”

“What are you suggesting?” Magen demanded.

“Run – dammit! What else can you do? We’ve lost!”

“Mattias isn’t the only one who’s going to be boarded,” Ogher pointed out the incoming pods on the tactical display. “You’d better make a decision.”

“Just get out of here. You can outrun them…” Mattias waved his hand.

“Ok,” Magen held his eye, “But we’ll come back for you…”

“I doubt you’ll find us here,” Mattias scoffed bitterly, “We’ll see you at the war’s end. Out.”

Magen turned to his navigator, “Saar’ha – bring our engines to full power…”

“Where-to?” Saar’ha raised an eyebrow.

Magen gazed at the star map. One lonely sector on the outer rim beckoned and the pattern of numbers identifying it seemed to stick in his head. He selected it.

“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained to the doubtful and demoralized crew of the command deck.

“Okay,” Saar’ha keyed in the co-ordinates and set the course.

“Prepare for gravity to be restored,” the ship’s computer announced as they began to accelerate.

The Destroyer charged through the inbound ships, catching a few unfortunates in her plasma exhaust. Under full thrust, even with her crippled light gunnery, the Es’stons had little chance to engage, and then she was gone. Astonishingly, the Es’ston fighters and pods immediately turned about and flocked back to their carriers. Two of the carriers began repositioning and shortly their engines powered up and they gathered way. The Es’stons were going to give chase.

This unexpected move would leave a mere token force to consolidate their victory. Why had they worked so hard to catch the Destroyer alone? Why were they now chasing a useless, crippled ship? There could only be one answer; they were Seekers – seeking out the power of the Dragon Stone.

---
Ok, folks, I hope there are improvements here. Some advice taken on board, some not (don't take it personally, I'm just pig headed). I will, time permitting, at least as an exercise and for the sake of comparison re-write as restricted third person and see how it fares.
 
Hi,

Yes. IMHO this is much better.


A Seaton 'Scout' class light cruiser emerged from the shadow of Asteroid 281, completing her swing-by. As the sunlight lazily fell across her prow, the lettering of her name could be read; S.D.F. Destroyer. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston High Energy Lasers (HELs) speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply.

It was evident that she was badly damaged, like a punch drunk boxer; she had no fight left in her. Liquid oxygen and fuel flowed (I'd still go for gushed or something to indicate malfunction) out in her wake, (New sentence. This is almost action you want shorter, punchier sentences.) her hull pierced in many vital places. The two forward gun-ports gaped open but her main plasma cannons remained mute. Her skin was blotched where her anti-fighter plasma-gun turrets had been blasted or gouged out by HEL fire and rail-gun shot.

The only working armament that remained was her crew. (Still, the crew aren't armament.) Repair bots, maintenance platforms and the occasional engineer dressed in full EVA suit flurried across the stricken ship’s hull. Furiously they tried to staunch her wounds – but time was up.

In the relative safety of the Destroyer’s gimballed (You'll have to explain this concept. Space ships like Apollo had gimbles to stop them spinning - but just decks on their own?) command deck, Captain Magen Agasan could almost believe that this wasn’t happening. At his order, all the alarms were silenced. Only the flashing warnings on the ship status display could remind him of the true state of affairs. The crew were tense, waiting in expectation to see how the battle had unfolded in the few moments respite they’d stolen. Solemnity (silence?) reigned, almost like (as it did at?) a funeral.

Magen sat in his chair, back from the holographic tactical display, his eyes closed and his hands together as if in prayer. He didn’t need (to see) the display; it was burned in(to) his mind’s eye. Three Es’ston carriers, two Seaton scouts and the mining colony they defended below. (What about them?)

He was beginning to feel his meteoric rise to captaincy was too fast. The Es’ston commanders had completely outwitted them, managing to lure the Destroyer away from her sister ship the Unbreakable to fight three on one. (So you need a line in here about him blaming himself for this to explain the first sentence.)

Telemetry and reports began to stream in from the Unbreakable and the mining colony, stirring the crew back into action.

“Captain?” Ogher coughed, to gain his attention, “Outpost 281 has surrendered. That means Unbreakable wasn’t able to hold the Es’ston landers back.”

Magen could sense the barely supressed triumphalism (Is that a word? Also, why would he be triumphant when they've just lost?) in his First Officer’s voice. Ogher knew this would be the case, as the senior tactical advisor, that was his job. Dark, burly and gruff, his face hidden in a thick wiry black beard, at first glance one might have thought he was the captain. He was certainly more intimidating than the slight figure Magen cut.

“So we’ve lost – that doesn’t leave us with many options,” Magen mused ruefully. (I don't think mused or rueful work here. He should be despondant or dejected.)

“It doesn’t leave us with any options, Sir,” Ogher replied in his typical blunt manner.

He was almost insubordinate. They had a simple working relationship; Magen made the decisions, Ogher made it happen. Magen was not ready to give up easily, yet even now, the Destroyer was poised to make a run for it using the momentum they’d gathered from the sling shot. Ogher was hedging his bets.

“Comms? Put me through to Commander Mattias,” Magen ordered.

Mattias, master of the Unbreakable.He’d held the position only a few months, but he’d been in training much longer than Magen. The thing that distinguished Mattias, was his fondness for small furry animals. His familiar, Marvin, a malevolent ferret-like creature was could be seen perched on his shoulder as he appeared on the holographic display. It had to take some patience and time to teach these animals to adapt to zero gravity, never-mind training them not to bite.

“What’s your status?”

“Magen, we’ve had it,” the Unbreakable’s commanding officer stated resignedly. (told him despondantly?) “We’ve lost steerage (Steerage isn't used to mean steering in maratime circles. It's the cheapest cabins on a ship.), and soon we’ll be boarded.”

“Is there nothing you can do? Do you need time to get your engines back online – could we tow you?” Magen was feeling desperate now. (Could they tow them? The Destroyer is badly damaged. You need to explain that they've got propulsion working if nothing else - and then why the fuel leaks won't hold them back.)

There was no one else to help them in these outer reaches. So vast was the theatre of war across the shared solar system of the Seatons and Es’stons, the closest ship was months away.

“Our engines are trash, we can’t possibly re-take the outpost with the few marines we have between us. You won’t escape if you try to tow us,” Mattias hesitated, “I’m going to surrender before we lose any more lives…”

“What are you suggesting?” Magen demanded.

“Run – dammit! What else can you do? We’ve lost!”

“Mattias isn’t the only one who’s going to be boarded,” Ogher pointed out the incoming pods on the tactical display. “You’d better make a decision.”

“Just get out of here. You can outrun them…” Mattias waved his hand.

“Ok,” Magen held his eye, “But we’ll come back for you…”

“I doubt you’ll find us here,” Mattias scoffed (Scoffed? No. Why would he be laughing at him?) bitterly, “We’ll see you at the war’s end. Out.”

Magen turned to his navigator, “Saar’ha – bring our engines to full power…”

“Where-to?” Saar’ha raised an eyebrow.

Magen gazed at the star map. One lonely sector on the outer rim beckoned and the pattern of numbers identifying it seemed to stick in his head. He selected it.

“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained (Told - he's the captain, he has to command) to the doubtful and demoralized crew of the command deck.

“Okay,” (This crew seem incredibly informal. Why not a yes sir here?) Saar’ha keyed in the co-ordinates and set the course.

“Prepare for gravity to be restored,” the ship’s computer announced as they began to accelerate.

The Destroyer charged through the inbound ships, catching a few unfortunates in her plasma exhaust. (Need something to describe the scenario a bit better here. Why are the inbound carriers and pods coming at them head on?) Under full thrust, even with her crippled light gunnery, the Es’stons had little chance to engage, and then she was gone.

(New paragraph. And if the ship is gone do they know they're being chased? Also what happened to all those people on the ships hull repairing it? Did they just get abandoned?)

Astonishingly, the Es’ston fighters and pods immediately turned about and flocked back to their carriers. Two of the carriers began repositioning and shortly their engines powered up and they gathered way. The Es’stons were going to give chase.

This unexpected move would leave a mere token force to consolidate their victory. Why had they worked so hard to catch the Destroyer alone? Why were they now chasing a useless, crippled ship? (Who was the one asking these questions?)There could only be one answer; they were Seekers – seeking out the power of the Dragon Stone. (Suddenly we've gone from space opera to fantasy.)

Yes. This is much more interesting and much more understandable to me as a reader coming fresh at this book.

Cheers, Greg.
 
Hi Greg, I felt that since you have repeated some of your points I should give some detailed explanation for ignoring some of them. It seems to me like you want to debate the issue. Your stubbornness is admirable.

The only working armament that remained was her crew. (Still, the crew aren't armament.)
It's called being metaphorical - Sheldon.
gimballed (You'll have to explain this concept
No, I will strongly resist the impulse, for now the reader is aware that the command deck is gimballed. To explain the concept to you, it's very simple, as the ship accelerates it creates a sensation like gravity. The command deck (and some other decks) should adjust to the direction of acceleration.
almost like (as it did at?) a funeral.
Funerals are not necessarily silent, with all those people crying. You work yourself into a corner when you use definite language like that.
triumphalism (Is that a word? Also, why would he be triumphant when they've just lost?)
It is a word, and with dictionary lookup built in to kindle, I have no intention of not using long ones. Ogher is triumphant - because he's right.
(Steerage isn't used to mean steering in maratime circles. It's the cheapest cabins on a ship.)
That's one meaning. It also means that you can't steer because you have no forward momentum. Slightly inaccurately used - but hey, that's Space Opera. I've read the entire Patrick O'Brien series (aughhh!) and double checked the definition - I think we're good.
He should be despondant or dejected
No, Magen is one of those idiotic people that for inexplicable reasons believe things will work out. If anything, rather, he is angry at himself for having messed up.
You need to explain that they've got propulsion working if nothing else
It's self evident. Too much explaining slows down the pace.
“I doubt you’ll find us here,” Mattias scoffed (Scoffed? No. Why would he be laughing at him?) bitterly
He is laughing at Magen, Magen's suggestion is quite idiotic.
“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained (Told - he's the captain, he has to command)
A good captain perhaps. We are too used to excellent captains that are in control of the situation. Magen is only a novice at this, and so far, not very good. His mentor will give out to him later (but not in front of the crew).
(New paragraph. And if the ship is gone do they know they're being chased? Also what happened to all those people on the ships hull repairing it? Did they just get abandoned?)
Surprisingly, their work continues, with the additional constraint of having about 1g towards the back of the ship. No worse than trying to piece together a broken laptop while suspended over the Hoover dam.
(Suddenly we've gone from space opera to fantasy.)
Indeed - or have we? I said the stone has power, and it has dragon in the name. It could be weapons grade plutonium for all we know. In fact, it may not even exist.

I do like 'gushed' rather than 'flowed'. It puts in mind an artery. Thanks again for your input.
 
I really liked this version.

Fleet of Foot

A Seaton 'Scout' class light cruiser emerged from the shadow of Asteroid 281, completing her swing-by. As the sunlight lazily fell across her prow, the lettering of her name could be read; S.D.F. Destroyer. A simple name, full of intent, but as the Es’ston High Energy Lasers (HELs) speared through the dark expanse to greet her, she gave no reply. I still think " greet" is too friendly a word, perhaps "intercept" or simply "towards". (Minor quibble, I know.)

It was evident that she was badly damaged, like a punch drunk boxer; she had no fight left in her. Liquid oxygen and fuel flowed out in her wake, her hull pierced in many vital places. The two forward gun-ports gaped open but her main plasma cannons remained mute. Her skin was blotched where her anti-fighter plasma-gun turrets had been blasted or gouged out by HEL fire and rail-gun shot.

The only working armament that remained was her crew. Repair bots, maintenance platforms and the occasional engineer dressed in full EVA suit flurried across the stricken ship’s hull. Furiously they tried to staunch her wounds – but time was up.

I like the way you've introduced the human element in the paragraphs below.
In the relative safety of the Destroyer’s gimballed command deck, Captain Magen Agasan could almost believe that this wasn’t happening. At his order, all the alarms were silenced. Only the flashing warnings on the ship status display could remind him of the true state of affairs. The crew were tense, waiting in expectation to see how the battle had unfolded in the few moments respite they’d stolen. Solemnity reigned, almost like a funeral.

Magen sat in his chair, back from the holographic tactical display, his eyes closed and his hands together as if in prayer. He didn’t need the display; it was burned in his mind’s eye. Three Es’ston carriers, two Seaton scouts and the mining colony they defended below.

He was beginning to feel his meteoric rise to captaincy was too fast. The Es’ston commanders had completely outwitted them him, managing to lure the Destroyer his ship away from her sister ship the Unbreakable to fight three on one. These changes might help to show the link between his inexperience and his mistakes.

Telemetry and reports began to stream in from the Unbreakable and the mining colony, stirring the crew back into action.

“Captain?” Ogher coughed, to gain his attention, “Outpost 281 has surrendered. That means Unbreakable wasn’t able to hold the Es’ston landers back.”

Magen could sense the barely supressed triumphalism in his First Officer’s voice. Ogher knew this would be the case, as the senior tactical advisor, that was his job.The sentence before this is a run-on sentence. I think next sentence is not; however, "one" seems to be the subject of the sentence, and I would expect the descriptive phrases to describe the subject. But I'm not an expert on grammar, so check with someone who is. Dark, burly and gruff, his face hidden in a thick wiry black beard, at first glance one might have thought he was the captain. He was certainly more intimidating than the slight figure Magen cut.

“So we’ve lost – that doesn’t leave us with many options,” Magen mused ruefully. I agree that rueful musing seems a mild response to the circumstances. Perhaps use an action to show who is speaking. For example, ' "... options." Magen stabbed at the screen, plotting trajectories. '

“It doesn’t leave us with any options, Sir,” Ogher replied in his typical blunt manner.

He was almost insubordinate. They had a simple working relationship; Magen made the decisions, Ogher made it happen. Magen was not ready to give up easily, yet even now, the Destroyer was poised to make a run for it using the momentum they’d gathered from the sling shot. Ogher was hedging his bets.

“Comms? Put me through to Commander Mattias,” Magen ordered.

Mattias, master of the Unbreakable.He’d held the position only a few months, but he’d been in training much longer than Magen. The thing that distinguished Mattias, was his fondness for small furry animals. His familiar, Marvin, a malevolent ferret-like creature was could be seen perched on his shoulder as he appeared on the holographic display. It had to take some patience and time to teach these animals to adapt to zero gravity, never-mind training them not to bite.

“What’s your status?”

“Magen, we’ve had it,” the Unbreakable’s commanding officer stated resignedly. “We’ve lost steerage, and soon we’ll be boarded.”

“Is there nothing you can do? Do you need time to get your engines back online – could we tow you?” Magen was feeling desperate now. Would Magen even think he could tow the other craft, under the circumstances? BPerhaps an offer to evacuate the crew, or to distract the enemy, might seem more feasible.

There was no one else to help them in these outer reaches. So vast was the theatre of war across the shared solar system of the Seatons and Es’stons, the closest ship was months away.

“Our engines are trash, we can’t possibly re-take the outpost with the few marines we have between us. You won’t escape if you try to tow us,” Mattias hesitated, “I’m going to surrender before we lose any more lives…”

“What are you suggesting?” Magen demanded.

“Run – dammit! What else can you do? We’ve lost!”

“Mattias isn’t the only one who’s going to be boarded,” Ogher pointed out the incoming pods on the tactical display. “You’d better make a decision.”

“Just get out of here. You can outrun them…” Mattias waved his hand.

“Ok,” Magen held his eye, “But we’ll come back for you…”

“I doubt you’ll find us here,” Mattias scoffed bitterly, “We’ll see you at the war’s end. Out.”

Magen turned to his navigator, “Saar’ha – bring our engines to full power…”

“Where-to?” Saar’ha raised an eyebrow.

Magen gazed at the star map. One lonely sector on the outer rim beckoned and the pattern of numbers identifying it seemed to stick in his head. He selected it.

“We’ll turn about long before we reach it,” he explained to the doubtful and demoralized crew of the command deck.

“Okay,” Saar’ha keyed in the co-ordinates and set the course.

“Prepare for gravity to be restored,” the ship’s computer announced as they began to accelerate.

The Destroyer charged through the inbound ships, catching a few unfortunates in her plasma exhaust. Under full thrust, even with her crippled light gunnery, the Es’stons had little chance to engage, and then she was gone. Astonishingly, the Es’ston fighters and pods immediately turned about and flocked back to their carriers. Two of the carriers began repositioning and shortly their engines powered up and they gathered way. The Es’stons were going to give chase.

This unexpected move would leave a mere token force to consolidate their victory. Why had they worked so hard to catch the Destroyer alone? Why were they now chasing a useless, crippled ship? There could only be one answer; they were Seekers – seeking out the power of the Dragon Stone.

---
Ok, folks, I hope there are improvements here. Some advice taken on board, some not (don't take it personally, I'm just pig headed). I will, time permitting, at least as an exercise and for the sake of comparison re-write as restricted third person and see how it fares.
 
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