Darkranger85
Self Proclaimed Nerd
I'm looking for very specific input here.
NOT Looking for: Any input on spelling, grammar, POV.
AM looking for: Advice focused on telling vs showing.
This forum has always been kind to me in the past, but I always like to add:
If you can't give your advice nicely, don't give it at all.
-----------------------
Azamai absently walked along through the rain, not even half aware of how cold and wet she was. The dense trees provided no protection from the pouring rain and the musky sent of soaking forest filled the air on the old unkempt wagon trail.
She brought her hands up infront of her face as if she could still see all the blood that those hands had been made to draw. Blood that even the torrential rain was not washing off.
Rain poured down and off her black cape and cowel which covered her black leather armor. On the small of her back rested a pair of twin short swords, their blades of black adamentite. Two black daggers each rested in her black boots. The only landmark to break the illusion of a walking shadow was the red ruby pendant on the figures neck.
She nearly tripped in the sucking mud but hardly noticed, her mind was whirling as she thought back over the years she had lost, that had been taken from her. Her mind replayed the memories of the past 6 years, forcing her to relive those awful actions.
----
The large throne room was dark and warm, uncomfortably warm. Torches burned hot and cast uneven light and shadow across the room lending to a very ominous feel. The walls were covered in tapestries that cost more than some small contries.
The floor was covered in detailed and intricate runes and magical symbols. Those symbols were not meer decoration, they acted as summoning circle to control creatures summoned from other planes. A single defect could spell disaster for the summoner, so they were painstakenly carved straight into the floor and filled with enchanted black diamond.
On the throne sat an imposing figure, Jahael, a man in his late seventies dressed in ornate purple robes embriodered with magical symbols and runes. Despite his advanced age, his presence could be felt as if it were a physical force emitting from the very core of his being.
As if his mystical aura were not enough to put any visitor on edge, his throne was flanked on either side by a pair of Fel Hounds. Two hundred pounds each, their eyes blazed the color of pure fire. A reminder that this man could call upon the powers of other planes to achieve his every whim.
He brought his gnarled hands up and ran them through his full white beard, his many rings glinting and shining as they caught the torch light. He stood from his throne, looking down at the poor man and his son kneeling below.
"Your shipment of wheat is awful light Mr Rothner. Have not my armies protected your fields?" He walked casually toward the cowering man. "You know that armies need to eat, dont you Mr Rothner?"
The poor farmer was shaking so hard it seemed he may fly apart himself. "Ye. Yes milord. I realize we agreed on more." He swallowed hard and wiped his sweating brow before continueing. "The growing season was very short this year, we have barely enough to feed ourselves. We cannot grow crops if we die of starvation milord."
Jahael paced the edge of the dias his throne sat on and fiddled with his beard as he contimplated. He stopped his pacing and turned to the man with a look of understanding. "You are right, of course. You need to eat in order to keep growing for me."
The farmer wore a look of complete surprise as he looked down to his son who wore a similar expression. Jahael was not known for his forgiving and understanding nature. He bowed low before the wizard. "Thank you for your understanding milord! You are most kind." He said as he hugged his son close.
"I know that next season you will deliever our agreed up amount, am I right?"
The farmer to grovel at the foot of the old man. "Yes milord, absolutely. I can feed my family and we will delieve next season."
The gnarled old wizard eyed the two men. "A thought occures to me." He said, drawing his hand down through his beard. "The easier it is for you to provide food for your family, the more likely it is for you to meet the quota for next season."
The two men looked to each other in disbelief. Forgivness, kindness, and charity?
The wizard raised his hand to his mouth as if to whistle, but not a sound was heard. In the blink of an eye, a dark figure dropped from the beams above to land right behind the kneeling men. A slender figure stood there clad in dark leather armor, a black cowel obscuring the face. An image of pure night, broken only by the blood red ruby pendant that rested around the figures neck.
Startled, the farmer looked up toward the wizard, not understanding how he meant to help them.
Jahael smiled wide as he looked the man in the eye. "With fewer mouths to feed, you should find it much easier to keep your family fed and healthy." Before the man could respond, he gave a short nod.
In one fluid motion the dark assassin drew its short sword and ran it through the farmers dear boy.
"Noooo!" The farmer yelled as he jumped up toward the assassin, but as quickly as he rose, he was shoved back down by a leather clad hand. Realizing the futility he grasp his son and contained his anger as best as he could. Another outburst could very well cost him his life as well.
"Till next season, Mr Rothner." The wizard signaled a pair of guards who promptly grabbed hold of the man who stood to leave. He looked up at the cowled figure with a look of utter contempt and brushed the guards hand away to walk out under his own power
NOT Looking for: Any input on spelling, grammar, POV.
AM looking for: Advice focused on telling vs showing.
This forum has always been kind to me in the past, but I always like to add:
If you can't give your advice nicely, don't give it at all.
-----------------------
Azamai absently walked along through the rain, not even half aware of how cold and wet she was. The dense trees provided no protection from the pouring rain and the musky sent of soaking forest filled the air on the old unkempt wagon trail.
She brought her hands up infront of her face as if she could still see all the blood that those hands had been made to draw. Blood that even the torrential rain was not washing off.
Rain poured down and off her black cape and cowel which covered her black leather armor. On the small of her back rested a pair of twin short swords, their blades of black adamentite. Two black daggers each rested in her black boots. The only landmark to break the illusion of a walking shadow was the red ruby pendant on the figures neck.
She nearly tripped in the sucking mud but hardly noticed, her mind was whirling as she thought back over the years she had lost, that had been taken from her. Her mind replayed the memories of the past 6 years, forcing her to relive those awful actions.
----
The large throne room was dark and warm, uncomfortably warm. Torches burned hot and cast uneven light and shadow across the room lending to a very ominous feel. The walls were covered in tapestries that cost more than some small contries.
The floor was covered in detailed and intricate runes and magical symbols. Those symbols were not meer decoration, they acted as summoning circle to control creatures summoned from other planes. A single defect could spell disaster for the summoner, so they were painstakenly carved straight into the floor and filled with enchanted black diamond.
On the throne sat an imposing figure, Jahael, a man in his late seventies dressed in ornate purple robes embriodered with magical symbols and runes. Despite his advanced age, his presence could be felt as if it were a physical force emitting from the very core of his being.
As if his mystical aura were not enough to put any visitor on edge, his throne was flanked on either side by a pair of Fel Hounds. Two hundred pounds each, their eyes blazed the color of pure fire. A reminder that this man could call upon the powers of other planes to achieve his every whim.
He brought his gnarled hands up and ran them through his full white beard, his many rings glinting and shining as they caught the torch light. He stood from his throne, looking down at the poor man and his son kneeling below.
"Your shipment of wheat is awful light Mr Rothner. Have not my armies protected your fields?" He walked casually toward the cowering man. "You know that armies need to eat, dont you Mr Rothner?"
The poor farmer was shaking so hard it seemed he may fly apart himself. "Ye. Yes milord. I realize we agreed on more." He swallowed hard and wiped his sweating brow before continueing. "The growing season was very short this year, we have barely enough to feed ourselves. We cannot grow crops if we die of starvation milord."
Jahael paced the edge of the dias his throne sat on and fiddled with his beard as he contimplated. He stopped his pacing and turned to the man with a look of understanding. "You are right, of course. You need to eat in order to keep growing for me."
The farmer wore a look of complete surprise as he looked down to his son who wore a similar expression. Jahael was not known for his forgiving and understanding nature. He bowed low before the wizard. "Thank you for your understanding milord! You are most kind." He said as he hugged his son close.
"I know that next season you will deliever our agreed up amount, am I right?"
The farmer to grovel at the foot of the old man. "Yes milord, absolutely. I can feed my family and we will delieve next season."
The gnarled old wizard eyed the two men. "A thought occures to me." He said, drawing his hand down through his beard. "The easier it is for you to provide food for your family, the more likely it is for you to meet the quota for next season."
The two men looked to each other in disbelief. Forgivness, kindness, and charity?
The wizard raised his hand to his mouth as if to whistle, but not a sound was heard. In the blink of an eye, a dark figure dropped from the beams above to land right behind the kneeling men. A slender figure stood there clad in dark leather armor, a black cowel obscuring the face. An image of pure night, broken only by the blood red ruby pendant that rested around the figures neck.
Startled, the farmer looked up toward the wizard, not understanding how he meant to help them.
Jahael smiled wide as he looked the man in the eye. "With fewer mouths to feed, you should find it much easier to keep your family fed and healthy." Before the man could respond, he gave a short nod.
In one fluid motion the dark assassin drew its short sword and ran it through the farmers dear boy.
"Noooo!" The farmer yelled as he jumped up toward the assassin, but as quickly as he rose, he was shoved back down by a leather clad hand. Realizing the futility he grasp his son and contained his anger as best as he could. Another outburst could very well cost him his life as well.
"Till next season, Mr Rothner." The wizard signaled a pair of guards who promptly grabbed hold of the man who stood to leave. He looked up at the cowled figure with a look of utter contempt and brushed the guards hand away to walk out under his own power
