Calling all practical jokers.

AnyaKimlin

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I need a practical joke that isn't too cruel but would spook a dog. This is August 1916 and set in a hospital:

I upset Matron's dog... it didn't want to wear (he whispers) the unmentionables (normal voice) I stole from Matron's washing line – now she wants to give me an enema. I'd rather face a Boche with a Mauser.
 

AnyaKimlin

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I don't want abrupt I don't think. More something stupid he's done. At present I have him in Matron's underwear.

My dogs and cats have lived with children so all got used to the occasional fashion show. Only yesterday I took a boa off the cat. I was more bothered than he was.
 

Dennis E. Taylor

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The cat was probably muttering "blue room, blue room..."

Had to put a head cone on our dog a couple of times because of stitches. There is no more offended look in the universe...
 

AnyaKimlin

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I've been lucky my dogs have never needed a vet. They kind of took to their beds and expired. Would it be mean to tie bed pans to the dog?
 

FibonacciEddie

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I say "no" to any dressing up, I don't think dogs have the ability of mirror-recognition ('theory of mind') - so they don't know what they're wearing, unless it is encumbering them in some way.
has to be physical... tie on bed pans work -- or a bell -- but actually I think jumping out of a cupboard at it would work well
 

AnyaKimlin

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I need it to be more visual than jumping out of a cupboard. Some dogs do just hate being dressed up. I'm now wondering about the feasibility of the bed pans.

Apparently bed pans were porcelain mostly or enamel so out.
 
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AnyaKimlin

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It''s to make the dog run more than anything thus getting my MC into trouble with everyone else. No tape recorders in 1916 but it's a good idea.
 

Ray McCarthy

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About size of modern biscuit tin, not as tall. Very light, as the box is the "horn". I have picture somewhere. Some even made of biscuit tin material.
The "clockwork" motor isn't any bigger or heavier than a mechanical alarm clock.
They also had 7" as well as the more common 10" 78rpm. Also cheap novelty records were pressed on single sided lacquered cardboard!
The oldest record player I have though myself is in a 1935 radiogram (working on gram and radio), electric drive motor.

Also there were some very odd wind up novelty music boxes, they amazingly are still made in China with almost the same mechanism as over 100 years ago! They only play tunes though as far as I know.

Why does it have to be ON the dog?
 

AnyaKimlin

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This is the first scene I have:

BERTIE, a small rotund dog, runs down the ward with EDDIE THE TEDDY, a small home made bear tied to his back and a small copper saucepan (milk pan sized) banging behind him. He's barking as he goes. He runs into GREEN and she falls over. She sits up and shakes a fist.

GREEN:
Private Sutherland! She's going to kill yo
u.

I have to distil this scene down to work in a 180 word monologue. But I think using Matron's underwear is very unoriginal and without the visual the saucepan is a bit lame.

DAVEY:
“They're out there and they're coming to get me. Can you hear my heart? Sounds like military bombardment.

I upset Matron's dog... it didn't want to wear

(from behind his hand) the unmentionables

I stole from Matron's washing line – now she wants to give me an enema. I'd rather face a Boche with a Mauser.

The stupid hound ran and tripped up my pal Outhouse. He's now got a busted leg to go with the busted lung which is just as well... the last I heard he wanted to rip off my remaining limbs... already lost one leg at the Somme. He's a big bloke – massive built like a brick sh-- I mean outhouse. We called him the less polite version back at the front. But this is a respectable establishment Matron says.”
 

paranoid marvin

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Put some mustard on his nose, he tries to lick it off and throws up. Or maybe some pepper on his nose.

If nurse is giving you an enema, the maybe a laxative in his food?

all horrible things to do , but no lasting harm.
 

psychotick

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Hi,

So you want the dog to run and look ridiculous? He's in a hospital so has some time on his hands? Does the mut have long fur - because if so you could put it in curlers - they used to be popular and I doubt any woman would want to see her dog wearing her curlers. As for making it run - find and loose a cat in front of it to chase.

Got to go - my cat wants a word!

Cheers, Greg.
 

Mouse

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Sorry, but if anything was tied to the dog, I'd throw the book down in disgust. I hate animal cruelty in novels - there's too much of it in real life, I don't need to read about it in fiction too.
 

AnyaKimlin

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Sorry, but if anything was tied to the dog, I'd throw the book down in disgust. I hate animal cruelty in novels - there's too much of it in real life, I don't need to read about it in fiction too.

I'm not sure how to respond to this. I've never been cruel to an animal in my life with the exception of having to get rid of some fruit flies. However my children have dressed up our various pets and tied the odd thing to them - it has always been swiftly removed but nor would I class it as high cruelty with any of our animals. One was bemused, one thought it was great and the other two were just plain disinterested. In the main story it is quite simply a very small teddy bear but for the monologue it can't be as I don't have the time to explain the story. My character in no way gets away with his actions.

What would you suggest? I have at present changed it to him encouraging the dog to steal sausages.
 

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