From Dust - a first foray!

[WinterLight]

Dear All

I was intending on waiting to post something I have written here, as it seems liked good etiquette on the forum not just whacking something in after 30 posts, but I noticed nothing has gone up for a while so thought you guys might like something to read even if from a noob.

So here it is, the (as of right now) very first bit of a story I have started - this prologue in fact coming about after writing a first chapter and learning from Chrons that it would need to be more punchy as an intro, to 'set the trouble'

This is almost exactly half of the prologue, the very next bit diving into some action, so I hope its not too boring. If I'm honest there are parts I am dubious about, but i think its a good time to get some thoughts.

Thanks very much.

PS I like it here.

------------------

FROM DUST

Prologue

329NE, Senye, Capital Planet of The Human Expanse

"Enduring people of the new world. Our Forefathers spent their lives in dispute with each other. Granted with the precious gift of a world to call home, in their naivete they squandered it away, waging war against one other in the selfish and fruitless pursuit of ego and power.

It is only in leaving our mother planet behind that we have managed, through astounding feats of will and fortitude, to become unified as One Nation under a New Sun, and to find a lasting peace and true prosperity."

Anadae Tobe listened to the Munity Councillor deliver the rehearsed rhetoric, the man's lengthy drawl and over-emphasis on each word grating at him. The Councillor's eye twitched annoyingly each time he flicked his combi-lens for the next page of his speech and his chin wobbled its subcutaneous sag at each supportive gesticulation. Considering it was possibly the most important speech in the fat man's short life, he was throwing himself into it with an idiotic fervour that caused the wobbles to come disgustingly often.

"The time has come where our peace has become threatened. Yesterday, the milling operation run by Noma Ohura - one of Senye's most esteemed benefactors - at our southern-most reach in Niagahara, suffered an attack. The first attack of its kind - ever. An attack against Humanity - by an alien species."

Tobe looked around the high-walled room at the people seated in the arc-rows below. They were all here - all in one place. All of the heads of the weaker half of the human race, here to hear word on the occurence at Niagahara. The rooms black-gloss pillars, standing in representation of the seven states of the human spirit - Wisdom; Compassion; Love; Honour; Endeavour; Fortitude;... Freedom - now enclosed them all like a giant cage. It would not take much to crush them all, one foul swoop right now, to change the course of history. He watched as the people reacted to the Councillor's words, wide-eyed looks of shock on their faces, outbursts of commotion breaking out across the High Chamber. They were utterly oblivious.

"People, please."

The Councillor raised his hand for silence, head dipped, adopting a reverent pose like some biblical prophet. This one would have to be watched, thought Tobe, his ego would need deflating soon. As if in answer to his thoughts, Tobe's combi-lens flashed briefly, in notification of an incoming message. The words, painted across the slim membrane on his iris, appeared hovering in front of him.

We wish for Councillor Iroqane to want to step down, second light tomorrow.

Tobe looked to the upper balconies of the High Chamber. It was only his combi-lens that allowed him to see through the pearlescent screen which would appear as a wall to anyone else, the row of Elders sat motionless up there, watching the proceedings. One of them looked directly at him, her dark eyes set grimly into her pale skeletal features, devoid of emotion yet seeming to contain unlimited knowledge. Looking back into the depths of that hollow gaze he acknowledged the request with the faintest of nods. It would be done, and as the Councillor continued his speech he let his mind wander eagerly into the black realm of how. Perhaps the man would become acquainted with one of those strange sticky organisms his studious serf had brought him.

"We were all aware of the remains found on Ffiolte, and we have made adequate preparation. However we do not know completely about this particular race, or if they were indeed the race that inhabited the ancient moon. We know they reside in the as-yet unnamed mountainous region to the north of the capital on the Neptunan continent. They are in the medisphere. We have been able to identify heat and electronic signatures in this area. Their numbers are low when compared to our own. We do not know their purpose, but we do have reliable indication of their capability. Thorough consideration by our key pyschologists and philosophers, and extensive examination by Senye's top scientists of compound elements left at the attack site can confirm our safety. We are technologically superior and likely of higher intellect. There is nothing to fear."

In amongst the murmurs and whispering, a wave of relief washed visibly over the crowd at the Councillor's words. How easily they were convinced, thought Tobe. Set the stage, employ the actor, and let their weak minds fill the gaps themselves. Like all of the best lies, its murky origins lay in truth. They had known about the Sasqa since before landing on Senye. Tobe himself had lead the team up into the medisphere to find them in the icy mountains, all those years ago. It was a triumphant mark in his career, elevating him to the upper echelons of the secret Novalum society that he had brought one back, alive. The attack at Niagahara was not by the Sasqa either. A little death to bring the idea to life, he had enjoyed planning it. And what a convenient coincidence that the businessman Ohura was there to burn in the wreckage of his beloved company. He was one of a few venturing a little too far for comfort, getting carried away with his enterprises and squeaking about rights and taxes. Something was needed to bring them all together again, to abort the embryo of even a whisper of a republic, before it formed. Something to unite them, unquestioning, toward the cause of building the war ships that would go into space. The Novalum knew they would face the creatures in force soon, for they had signalled their own kind years before the Light-Ships had even put down on the world. And it was their holy planet after all.

He would have done it differently, though. So much subtlety - why hide when they were clearly a superior evolution to the human template? They could easily make the people do what they wanted, instead of coercing them. The Priman deserved to be worshipped. But it was not his decision - not yet anyway. So, they would be told what was deemed necessary, the Laws would be passed and the future of the human race decided.

"Our most pressing concern is more serious, however."

A hush fell upon them then, the robust Councillor pausing for dramatic effect.

"We have learnt of a beacon that has been sent into space, communication from these beings to another unknown planet. We are working to translate the message to learn of its full content, but portions have been revealed by our Free-Think systems. They have transmitted details of our numbers, our locations, our technology and our military capacity.

Along with the Aegis and the other Frontier Commissions, we have spent much time deliberating over the facts to decide what is best for mankind at this uncertain time. It is with a heavy but resolved heart that we must officially conclude - Humanity is now at War."

 

[Bowler1]

To prologue or not to prologue, that is the question....

I have to be honest, about halfway I started to skim read because you’d lost my interest (ouch – painful I know, but it’s what I honestly think). The opening (always difficult) was too much detail and an info dump for me, with very little drama. Granted it was meant to be a boring speech, but did we need to live through it as well. The speech could easily have been set as background like so -

Anadae Toby had long since stopped listening to the long and very dull speeches in the great hall and instead watched the councilors, making sure he noted those that didn’t show the required enthusiasm. – better maybe???

There were a lot of very complicated names of people and places that arrived thick and fast and I honestly lost track. Not everything has to be explained right away and if anything, creating suspense should be more the order of the day. I wasn’t feeling much in the way of suspense here as the speech was giving away a lot of the plot to come, or felt like it anyway. So tighter, a lot more concise and from the character is my recommendations. Set up needs work and how you present your story – suspense/drama/emotions and so on. Flashbacks and info dumps don’t do it for me.

However, the Elders did get my interest going and your technical English seemed good to me (I suspect some comma splices, but leave that to my betters). There is a lot to like and I think you show promise. Certainly the required imagination is firing on all cylinders, so you your well on your way buddy.

As ever what I think only and the usual 2c disclaimers apply.

 

[ctg]

FROM DUST

Prologue

329NE, Senye, Capital Planet of The Human Expanse

It's good that you hid the prologue such a way that a casual reader will skip it completely and think this as a first chapter.

"Enduring people of the new world. Our Forefathers spent their lives in dispute with each other. Granted with the precious gift of a world to call home, in their naivete they squandered it away, waging war against one other in the selfish and fruitless pursuit of ego and power.

It is only in leaving our mother planet behind that we have managed, through astounding feats of will and fortitude, to become unified as One Nation under a New Sun, and to find a lasting peace and true prosperity."

I would cut this monologue short and join the next paragraph to speed up the introduction of the main character. You can cut up as much as I have highlighted at above.

Anadae Tobe listened to the Munity Councillor deliver the rehearsed rhetoric, the man's lengthy drawl and over-emphasis on each word grating at him. The Councillor's eye twitched annoyingly each time he flicked his combi-lens for the next page of his speech and his chin wobbled its subcutaneous sag at each supportive gesticulation. Considering it was possibly the most important speech in the fat man's short life, he was throwing himself into it with an idiotic fervour that caused the wobbles to come disgustingly often.

This tells as much about the Main Character as it's telling about the speech giver. So it's good stuff. But what comes to the combi-lens I would personally tell Word to go f itself, and just join those two words together as in my mind there's no need to use hyphen in a conjunction of those two words.

"The time has come where our peace has become threatened. Yesterday, the milling operation run by Noma Ohura - one of Senye's most esteemed benefactors - at our southern-most reach in Niagahara, suffered an attack. The first attack of its kind - ever. An attack against Humanity - by an alien species."

Tobe looked around the high-walled room at the people seated in the arc-rows below. They were all here - all in one place. All of the heads of the weaker half of the human race, here to hear word on the occurence at Niagahara. The rooms black-gloss pillars, standing in representation of the seven states of the human spirit - Wisdom; Compassion; Love; Honour; Endeavour; Fortitude;... Freedom - now enclosed them all like a giant cage. It would not take much to crush them all, one foul swoop right now, to change the course of history. He watched as the people reacted to the Councillor's words, wide-eyed looks of shock on their faces, outbursts of commotion breaking out across the High Chamber. They were utterly oblivious.

Second paragraph feels a bit too long but I don't see what you could cut away to make it flow better. Maybe you could think about cutting some of the spirit states and just say something about tall banners enclosing them all in a giant cage.

"People, please." The Councillor raised his hand for silence, head dipped, adopting a reverent pose like some biblical prophet. This one would have to be watched, thought Tobe, his ego would need deflating soon. As if in answer to his thoughts, Tobe's combi-lens flashed briefly, in notification of an incoming message. The words, painted across the slim membrane on his iris, appeared hovering in front of him.

We wish for Councillor Iroqane to want to step down, second light tomorrow.

Two things. First join the monologue line with the speaker, and second be careful on how much you're using telling. At above you see me highlighting: "his ego would need deflating soon." It feels like telling and I would recommend cutting it away and just joining rest of the para to his immediate thoughts.

Also one last thing, you might end up having trouble with using italics to convey messages because most of the readers will associate it to the direct personal thoughts, whereas if you would had used something like {xxxx}, [xxxx] or <<xxxx>> they would know that you're sending a message to the Main Character.

Tobe looked to the upper balconies of the High Chamber. It was only his combi-lens that allowed him to see through the pearlescent screen which would appear as a wall to anyone else, the row of Elders sat motionless up there, watching the proceedings.

There's something wrong in these two sentences, and I bet you have had quite a bit of trouble on trying to make to flow well. Maybe you should try to edit it in order to simplify the whole thing and perhaps write something like:

Tobe looked up to the balconies of High Chamber and saw a row of Elders sitting motionlessly behind the pearlescent screen that would have appeared as a wall to anyone else. Then just as he was about to look back at the speaker he noticed one of them...​

One of them looked directly at him, her dark eyes set grimly into her pale skeletal features, devoid of emotion yet seeming to contain unlimited knowledge. Looking back into the depths of that hollow gaze he acknowledged the request with the faintest of nods. It would be done, and as the Councillor continued his speech he let his mind wander eagerly into the black realm of how. Perhaps the man would become acquainted with one of those strange sticky organisms his studious serf had brought him.

This needs rewriting. Thing is you should raise tension but instead you're making it less.

"We were all aware of the remains found on Ffiolte, and we have made adequate preparation. However we do not know completely about this particular race, or if they were indeed the race that inhabited the ancient moon. We know they reside in the as-yet unnamed mountainous region to the north of the capital on the Neptunan continent. They are in the medisphere. We have been able to identify heat and electronic signatures in this area. Their numbers are low when compared to our own. We do not know their purpose, but we do have reliable indication of their capability. Thorough consideration by our key pyschologists and philosophers, and extensive examination by Senye's top scientists of compound elements left at the attack site can confirm our safety. We are technologically superior and likely of higher intellect. There is nothing to fear."

Does readers need all this information at the moment? Is it crucial for them to know this, or could you simply had continued Tobe's murderous thoughts and explaining readers how the MC had got in the place, where he has no other choice but to obey the High Council member wishes.

In amongst the murmurs and whispering, a wave of relief washed visibly over the crowd at the Councillor's words. How easily they were convinced, thought Tobe. Set the stage, employ the actor, and let their weak minds fill the gaps themselves. Like all of the best lies, its murky origins lay in truth. They had known about the Sasqa since before landing on Senye. Tobe himself had lead the team up into the medisphere to find them in the icy mountains, all those years ago. It was a triumphant mark in his career, elevating him to the upper echelons of the secret Novalum society that he had brought one back, alive. The attack at Niagahara was not by the Sasqa either. A little death to bring the idea to life, he had enjoyed planning it. And what a convenient coincidence that the businessman Ohura was there to burn in the wreckage of his beloved company. He was one of a few venturing a little too far for comfort, getting carried away with his enterprises and squeaking about rights and taxes. Something was needed to bring them all together again, to abort the embryo of even a whisper of a republic, before it formed. Something to unite them, unquestioning, toward the cause of building the war ships that would go into space. The Novalum knew they would face the creatures in force soon, for they had signalled their own kind years before the Light-Ships had even put down on the world. And it was their holy planet after all.

This is another info-dump, and even though it holds some crucial information to the reader, you could cut a great deal out from it.

He would have done it differently, though. So much subtlety - why hide when they were clearly a superior evolution to the human template? They could easily make the people do what they wanted, instead of coercing them. The Priman deserved to be worshipped. But it was not his decision - not yet anyway. So, they would be told what was deemed necessary, the Laws would be passed and the future of the human race decided.

"Our most pressing concern is more serious, however."

A hush fell upon them then, the robust Councillor pausing for dramatic effect.

"We have learnt of a beacon that has been sent into space, communication from these beings to another unknown planet. We are working to translate the message to learn of its full content, but portions have been revealed by our Free-Think systems. They have transmitted details of our numbers, our locations, our technology and our military capacity.

Along with the Aegis and the other Frontier Commissions, we have spent much time deliberating over the facts to decide what is best for mankind at this uncertain time. It is with a heavy but resolved heart that we must officially conclude - Humanity is now at War."

Good. This is sort of drama that should had flown throughout the whole prologue. So it's sad to find it out at the end, but you could easily rewrite the whole thing and just focus on the essential, while the "speaker" disappears at the background and comes out just at the end to claim that "Humanity is now at War."

 

[Venusian Broon]

Hi Winterlight,

I don't have time to do a detailed line-by-line but I hope my initial musings give you something helpful to think about.

On very first reading I found it quite a struggle - not so much the English (although I will point out a few things later) - but the dense amount of new terms and connections that are given. If a prologue is there to warm the reader up for the main text, to take a sporting analogy, instead of a simple hundred yards dash you have instead given them a bit of complex obstacle course!

For example you have the councillor say:

We were all aware of the remains found on Ffiolte, and we have made adequate preparation. However we do not know completely about this particular race, or if they were indeed the race that inhabited the ancient moon. We know they reside in the as-yet unnamed mountainous region to the north of the capital on the Neptunan continent. They are in the medisphere.

That is four new geographical regions mentioned in quick succession. Already before that we are introduced to Senye and (south of some other place?) Niagahara. That's a lot to take in almost instantly.

Similarly for the 'Elders' or Novalum or Priman (are they all the same really?). But also comments like 'the weaker-half of humanity', studious serfs and exactly who the councillor is - is the Mutiny councillor also Councillor Iroqane? I guess you're really eager to get your world to our attention, I can fully understand that. But I think the passage can be quite radically simplified to focus on getting the main point of the narrative across. There will be other places further on in your WiP to broaden out your world later.

However I do like and don't mind a few non-sequiturs, even immediately in a story, on the assumption that they will be explained later on or are reasonably well signposted so that I can hazard a guess at what they mean. So I applaud you for the approach. It is after all an alien world. Too many though, and I felt that was the case here, and it can make the text a little intractable and a bit off-putting.

Next big thing that puzzled me was the councillor's speech. Essentially I read it as "Shock! we are under attack by aliens. But don't worry nothing to fear. Oh BTW it does mean we're going to war." (or Bad news, Good news, Bad news) Surely you'd want to end on good news. i.e. it makes logical sense to say: 'we've been attacked, and they've called up reinforcements so its war, but we think we are vastly superior and we will prevail." The way it's given, it jars with me. In this case I suspect it is because you are focusing on revealing Tobe's relationship to the reader in an orderly manner - but by doing that it gives the councillor a quite strange speech.

These were the major two thoughts. The following are a few sentences and minor things that I crashed into and caused me to stop my reading flow:

1)

...of the seven states of the human spirit - Wisdom; Compassion; Love; Honour; Endeavour; Fortitude;...Freedom - now enclosed them...

I'm not the world's greatest grammatician by a long way, but the use of semi-colons in this list does not sit well with me. I'd have something like:
"...of the seven states of the human spirit: Wisdom, Compassion, Love, Honour, Endeavour,Fortitude...Freedom. They now enclosed the councillors..."

Note, I think you use semi-colons in lists when you want to group some of the terms together and need to relate them. I can dig out an example if you want.

2)

They were utterly oblivious.

This sentence makes no sense to me. They have to be oblivious to something. I think you mean something like "They were totally oblivious to the truth". It's a terrible sentence that won't work in your WiP but hopefully you get what I mean

3)

This one would have to be watched, thought Tobe...

This jars with me as well. In the third paragraph you give the impression that our protagonist (antagonist?) is very disparaging towards the fat councillor, to then say think that thought seems to quickly reverse that initial impression. If it had been: "This fat oaf might actually need to be watched, a slightly surprised Tobe..." connects better, if you see what I mean.

4)

They are in the medisphere

As I said above information was too much re: geography. But I think you can delete this sentence, because later we find that Tobe went to the medisphere and found an alien. And actually I'd be happy with just the Tobe sentence about the medisphere for the prologue

5) Minor point - what would an expert in psychology, the study of human minds, know about aliens. Xeno-biologist or Xeno-psychologist. Perhaps I'm being too picky on that one

6)

One of them looked directly at him, her dark eyes set grimly into her pale skeletal features, devoid of emotion yet seeming to contain unlimited knowledge

It's the end of the sentence. The 'yet' suggests that containing unlimited knowledge is an emotion. It isn't. I'd probably drop the ending. Oh, also its not clear what is devoid of emotion, her look, her skeletal features or her eyes. I think you mean the look, but then can a look contain unlimited knowledge? mmm...maybe. But I'm not sure.

7) In general there are few purple prose patches. One that sprung to my eyes was:

...and as the Councillor continued his speech he let his mind wander eagerly into the black realm of how

I instantly got an image of Tobe twirling his moustache. Purely my taste. I'd be blunter.


These be my initial thoughts....

 

[Brian G Turner]

There's a lot I liked in this. As a later chapter I think it could work really well. There's a sense of fluidity, and I like the way you drop in the technology as ordinary and without explanation - as it should be.

The sections of dialogue I imagine being cut by an editor - this is backstory and drags on any pace.

But for a first chapter I think it lacks punch. Think strong opening sentence - think character conflict and not infodump - to make your story masterful.

You also turn your POV character into an observer, which a lot of authors do but I personally think should never be regarded as professional. Ideally, a reader should be immersed in the story - not told to sit back and just watch, and especially not with irritation or boredom.

IMO, when you have a chapter, the POV character should be the most active one - the one doing the discovery. Which in this case, is the Munity Councillor. That character appears, from your descriptions, to be in conflict over something - while Tope doesn't.

If writing a prologue, you can push a completely different POV character in than the rest of the story. Don't worry about action sequences - it's the internal struggle a character experiences that is the true action in a story.

So, a lot to like about your writing, and I could forgive this scene as a later chapter. But I would challenge you to think more carefully about the structure - how can you engage the reader more actively?

However, the big caveat is that if you've only just started this story - if it has not yet seen a complete first draft - then things are going to change anyway. In which case, you've done a mighty fine job so far, and don't worry about any issues raised until you do complete that draft. Only then will you truly be able to look at structural issues.

A great attempt, a strong start that could be stronger, but until you complete the ending, plenty of time to make any changes as and when you see fit.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi, I'm a picky fellow and I'm a bit out of practise - So forgive.

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all only opinions

Dear All

I was intending on waiting to post something I have written here, as it seems liked good etiquette on the forum not just whacking something in after 30 posts, but I noticed nothing has gone up for a while so thought you guys might like something to read even if from a noob.

So here it is, the (as of right now) very first bit of a story I have started - this prologue in fact coming about after writing a first chapter and learning from Chrons that it would need to be more punchy as an intro, to 'set the trouble'

This is almost exactly half of the prologue, the very next bit diving into some action, so I hope its not too boring. If I'm honest there are parts I am dubious about, but i think its a good time to get some thoughts.

Thanks very much.

PS I like it here.

------------------

First off: Not a fan of prologues. There's a temptation for them to end up as pure tell. Reading through this I felt the juicy bits would be better by showing what you man got up to. It would develop his character and the reader would get to know him better.

As a general comment - A bit Star Wars prequel 1.

FROM DUST

Prologue

329NE, Senye, Capital Planet of The Human Expanse

"Enduring people of the new world. Our Forefathers spent their lives in dispute with each other. Granted with the precious gift of a world to call home, in their naivete they squandered it away, waging war against one other in the selfish and fruitless pursuit of ego and power.

It is only in leaving our mother planet behind that we have managed, through astounding feats of will and fortitude, to become unified as One Nation under a New Sun (The Human expanse suggests more than one sun) , and to find a lasting peace and true prosperity." (This seems a bit detached from the main problem and since he is effectively announcing a state of war, a bit weird)

Anadae Tobe listened to the Munity Councillor deliver the rehearsed rhetoric, the man's lengthy drawl and over-emphasis on each word grating at him. The Councillor's eye twitched annoyingly each time he flicked his combi-lens for the next page of his speech and his chin wobbled its subcutaneous sag at each supportive gesticulation. Considering it was possibly the most important speech in the fat man's short life, he was throwing himself into it with an idiotic fervour that caused the wobbles to come disgustingly often. (Good descriptive character building - but do we see him again)

"The time has come where our peace has become threatened (not threatened actual). Yesterday, the milling operation run by Noma Ohura - one of Senye's most esteemed benefactors - at our southern-most reach in Niagahara, suffered an attack. The first attack of its kind - ever. An attack against Humanity - by an alien species."

Tobe looked around the high-walled room at the people seated in the arc-rows below. They were all here - all in one place. All of the heads of the weaker half of the human race, here to hear word on the occurence at Niagahara. The rooms black-gloss pillars, standing in representation of the seven states (?) of the human spirit - Wisdom; Compassion; Love; Honour; Endeavour; Fortitude;... Freedom - now enclosed them all like a giant cage. It would not take much to crush them all, one foul swoop right now, to change the course of history. He watched as the people reacted to the Councillor's words, wide-eyed looks of shock on their faces (They would already be aware - you wouldn't keep news like that quiet in the society you have described), outbursts of commotion breaking out across the High Chamber. They were utterly oblivious.

(Star Wars council)

"People, please."

The Councillor raised his hand for silence, head dipped, adopting a reverent pose like some biblical prophet. This one would have to be watched, thought Tobe, his ego would need deflating soon. As if in answer to his thoughts, Tobe's combi-lens flashed briefly, in notification of an incoming message. The words, painted across the slim membrane on his iris, appeared hovering in front of him. (Had this discussion with others recently - It's virtually impossible to focus on something on your eye. You would get dizzy. Try focusing on a 'floater' in your eye, you chase it round the room as it constantly shifts position relative to the eyes preferred position - looking straight at the object of interest)

We wish for Councillor Iroqane to want to step down, second light tomorrow. (Who is this? why italics? if it's the whole room then say so)

Tobe looked to the upper balconies of the High Chamber. It was only his combi-lens that allowed him to see through the pearlescent screen which would appear as a wall to anyone else, the row of Elders sat motionless up there, watching the proceedings. One of them looked directly at him, her dark eyes set grimly into her pale skeletal features, devoid of emotion yet seeming to contain unlimited knowledge. Looking back into the depths of that hollow gaze he acknowledged the request with the faintest of nods. It would be done, and as the Councillor continued his speech he let his mind wander eagerly into the black realm of how. Perhaps the man would become acquainted with one of those strange sticky organisms his studious serf had brought him. (Not only x-rays but with magnification - Such detail impossible at the distance you suggest - Have him look at a monitor - less to explain and he could zoom it - plus it would give the woman extra kudos knowing he would be watching)

"We were all aware of the remains found on Ffiolte, and we have made adequate preparation. However we do not know completely about this particular race, or if they were indeed the race that inhabited the ancient moon. We know they reside in the as-yet unnamed mountainous region to the north of the capital on the Neptunan continent. They are in the medisphere. We have been able to identify heat and electronic signatures (what are they? I know these phrases get bandied about a lot but heat is heat - Radiation maybe. Electronic signatures might be say, communications but electronics doesn't have a signature as such - unless you're actually looking at a device) in this area. Their numbers are low when compared to our own. We do not know their purpose, but we do have reliable indication of their capability. Thorough consideration by our key pyschologists and philosophers, (as mentioned by another - where does he get the experience) and extensive examination by Senye's top scientists of compound elements left at the attack site can confirm our safety. We are technologically superior and likely of higher intellect. There is nothing to fear."

In amongst the murmurs and whispering, a wave of relief washed visibly over the crowd at the Councillor's words. How easily they were convinced, thought Tobe. Set the stage, employ the actor, and let their weak minds fill the gaps themselves. (so much for love and harmony) Like all of the best lies, its murky origins lay in truth. They had known about the Sasqa since before landing on Senye. Tobe himself had lead the team up into the medisphere to find them in the icy mountains, all those years ago. It was a triumphant mark in his career, elevating him to the upper echelons of the secret Novalum society that he had brought one back, alive. The attack at Niagahara was not by the Sasqa either. A little death to bring the idea to life, he had enjoyed planning it. And what a convenient coincidence that the businessman Ohura was there to burn in the wreckage of his beloved company. He was one of a few venturing a little too far for comfort, getting carried away with his enterprises and squeaking about rights and taxes. Something was needed to bring them all together again, to abort the embryo of even a whisper of a republic, before it formed. Something to unite them, unquestioning, toward the cause of building the war ships that would go into space. The Novalum knew they would face the creatures in force soon, for they had signalled their own kind years before the Light-Ships had even put down on the world. And it was their holy planet after all.

He would have done it differently, though. So much subtlety - why hide when they were clearly a superior evolution to the human template? They could easily make the people do what they wanted, instead of coercing them (isn't making people do something - coercion). The Priman deserved to be worshipped. But it was not his decision - not yet anyway. So, they would be told what was deemed necessary, the Laws would be passed and the future of the human race decided.

"Our most pressing concern is more serious, however."

A hush fell upon them then, the robust Councillor pausing for dramatic effect.

"We have learnt of a beacon (Light-Ships and they send a beacon? was it a message form a beacon?) that has been sent sending a message into space, communication from these beings to another unknown planet. We are working to translate the message to learn of its full content, but portions have been revealed by our Free-Think systems. They have transmitted details of our numbers, our locations, our technology and our military capacity.

Along with the Aegis and the other Frontier Commissions, we have spent much time deliberating over the facts to decide what is best for mankind at this uncertain time. It is with a heavy but resolved heart that we must officially conclude - Humanity is now at War."

OK. well written and good description indicating promise of things to come. The beacon thing is a bit 2001 ish, but I suppose it's needed - Though you could have an escaping craft - which would at least give them a direction to look for threats to come. It was a fairly easy read which bodes well.

As I said above, I'm a picky b......d. I think you couls show all this in the body of story - Him inspecting the ships being built for example

Hope I helped

TEiN

 

[WinterLight]

Hi All

Thanks so much for the feedback, it is as constructive as I hoped and not too damning to sink my ship at this early stage! The criticisms are dealt with gracefully, there are a bounty of suggestions to pick from and sage guidance to take forwards with me.

General consensus seems to be watch out for identity confusion, bring the focus in and make the whole thing more essential (i.e. stop rambling and info dumping) and bring to life something that tickles the readers interest straight away.

I have an inkling of what to do, I think I will experiment coming from another angle to the situation. It's exciting.

@Bowler1 - thanks for being frank about it losing your interest, at next attack I will be very much aware of trying to grab the reader in those first few paras

@ctg - you suggest a lot of chopping but I hear you loud and clear. I suppose on the road to write one must become acquainted with scissors!

@Venusian Broon - From your response I get this maybe mad but maybe great notion of offering clarity to the reader with less. Xeno-Psychology is now an official profession on Senye. And I have never heard the term 'purple prose', so thanks for teaching me that!

@brian - you have inspired not only a rethink to the approach on this part but also the approach to what I'm doing as a whole. Thanks for the wisdom.

@TEiN - I must admit I am more a dreamer than a scientist but do want to offer the reader plausible fiction, glad you are questioning the details - I think as I go along I will do a bit of background research to try to help justify any techo blurbs. And funny you mention the whole setting being a bit Star Wars, I was thinking as writing, this is a cliche that my mind has latched unimaginatively onto isn't it - after writing this I happened to watch the disney movie 'Lilo and Stitch' with my little boy - guess how that film starts. In a bleedin' High Council meeting!

 

[Venusian Broon]

...notion of offering clarity to the reader with less...

Yes it took me a lot of headscratching and a large number of short stories (which will remain locked up and hidden for eternity) to realise that less can be more. How I get the throbbing chaotic mass of ideas that I generally have down into a readable prose is, I find, most helped by simplifying. I think of it as removing lots of random noise that I initially generated to make the main signal much stronger. (But then I do like physics and maths!)

Oh and you mentioning Clarity reminds me of the 5 C's of writing that I have pinned next to me on the wall that I try to always ponder when writing:

Correctness, Conciseness, Clarity, Coherence and Completeness.

If I ever struggle a bit, say with a thorny paragraph, an on-going plot line, or a bit of madness (it seems) from a character I step back and get a bigger perspective from one of those terms.

 

[ctg]

@ctg - you suggest a lot of chopping but I hear you loud and clear. I suppose on the road to write one must become acquainted with scissors!

Sometimes with a hatchet.

 

[Venusian Broon]

Sometimes with a hatchet.

...very occasionally a chainsaw. And then sometimes you got to know the odd occasion when to burn it and salt the ground thoroughly before abandoning it in disgust.

 

[Void]

Hiya! First of all I'm sure others here are able (and clearly have been able reading through the above!) to give you a much greater and detailed insight than I can, and this is just my own observation -to be ignored at will!

However, the one thing that really jumped out at me was how many words you use in each description or sentence. Your vocabulary is clearly impressive, but I feel like the amount of polysyllabic words used throw up barriers for me when I'm trying to immerse myself in your (clearly very) detailed world. For example:

"...his chin wobbled its subcutaneous sag at each supportive gesticulation"

To me, having three words with multiple syllables in one sentence feels a bit cluttered, which makes me aware that I'm reading a story- which in turn pulls me out of experiencing your character/world. In my own (very humble) opinion, sometimes bold, simple images with character POV work more effectively at the beginning of a story to show what's going on, rather than a shopping list of 'fancy' words. For example:

"...each gesture made its own wobble in his chin. Tobe's stomach bubbled." (not a great sentence, but for me it feels like a clearer image).

However, I do like how rich and well-thought-out your world seems to be, I get the sense that you know the world that the story happens well, and that translates as a solid fantasy-location. Although, as others have said, you don't need to tell your reader everything about the world straight off!

 

[WinterLight]

Hi Void

Thanks for the comments, I am realising from feedback I should listen to instincts more, as certain bits may have been quietly niggling at me yet I ploughed ahead trying not to second guess myself. The sentence you mention was definitely one of them, although it conveys what I intend, it has never 'felt' right.

Btw can I ask, what is that in your avatar? It looks like a foot. A foot with what is either the head of an old toothbrush tucked under the big toe, or otherwise dare i say it a completely out of control fungal growth. God i hope I haven't offended you!

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Btw can I ask, what is that in your avatar? It looks like a foot. A foot with what is either the head of an old toothbrush tucked under the big toe, or otherwise dare i say it a completely out of control fungal growth. God i hope I haven't offended you!

Ah, WinterLight, the question I dared not ask! Void, I've been admiring your singularly unguessable avatar myself, since your appearance on our stage! I hope it isn't rude to second WL's query about your avatar?

And WL, some great advice here, about your story. I think it shows potential, and hope you'll post the revised version soon!

 

[Void]

I should listen to instincts more, as certain bits may have been quietly niggling at me yet I ploughed ahead trying not to second guess myself. The sentence you mention was definitely one of them, although it conveys what I intend, it has never 'felt' right.

Btw can I ask, what is that in your avatar? It looks like a foot. A foot with what is either the head of an old toothbrush tucked under the big toe, or otherwise dare i say it a completely out of control fungal growth. God i hope I haven't offended you!

I can totally empathise with never quite knowing when to second guess yourself!

And, of course, no offence taken =p

Ah, WinterLight, the question I dared not ask! Void, I've been admiring your singularly unguessable avatar myself, since your appearance on our stage! I hope it isn't rude to second WL's query about your avatar?

I had no idea that it was so unguessable! Ha!
It's actually much more mundane that WinterLight guessed: it's a sternum and green necklacce with black hair brushed across it (although, now I look at it, I can almost see a foot too).
A few years ago I was working SFX and prosthetics and the biggest (in terms of scale) job I was ever commissioned for involved creating a number of cadavers for a small-budget film. I spent about two months sourcing mannequins and covering them in silicone, latex and paint to change their body-shapes and appearances only to be denied copyright permission to share images from the shoot in my online portfolio. So, out of irritation, I used a low-res, cropped image that I'd snapped on my phone prior to shooting as the thumbnail for the portfolio. It's just sort of been an avatar that I've used ever since.

I now realise that most people who clicked the image, probably didn't want to see more of my work- but to enlarge the image of the thing that may, or may not be a fungus or a foot!

 

[HareBrain]

I thought I could see two eyes next to each other at the right end of the green thing, so I thought it was a model/toy caterpillar. Possibly made from a green-bristled toothbrush.

 

[FibonacciEddie]

Hey Winterlight

Firstly, well done for posting ... a great way to improve is to put yourself out there.

Secondly, I like the general style of your writing, there was nothing about the words/use of words that annoyed or concerned me.
Good work! ... not that I can be considered a competent judge of such things, but my opinion still stands.

Thirdly ... story flow ... I would suggest you cut down the information by 60% ... treat your readers as even more intelligent than you already do ... and shove a lot of the facts/references later in the book.

Prologue
- we're under attack
- we're going to win
- Councillor is an idiot
- People are still worried

Lastly, you treat your readers as if they are clever, but your general population as idiots ... I find it hard to believe that the listeners would not have a clue about something to important... if not ... really then you should make more of a 'thing' of tight security.

all good though, plenty of positives to work with

FibE

 

[FibonacciEddie]

Hi All

@ctg - you suggest a lot of chopping but I hear you loud and clear. I suppose on the road to write one must become acquainted with scissors!

Just to share the pain ... in Feb 2014, I spent ~2hrs per night for a week writing a passage in my manuscript. All in, I got about 3,500 words that I liked.
Then a few days later. Ctrl-A / Del.
All gone ... it wasn't right ... it was just words
It hurts to kill stuff ... but it's the thing to do
Which is why most writers (except, I think, Stephen King) say -> for your first draft just write ... don't wait ... just write ...

 

[Jo Zebedee]

That's nothing - I once cut the first 30,000 polished words. The book was (mostly) none the worse for it...

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Just to share the pain ... in Feb 2014, I spent ~2hrs per night for a week writing a passage in my manuscript. All in, I got about 3,500 words that I liked.
Then a few days later. Ctrl-A / Del.
All gone ... it wasn't right ... it was just words
It hurts to kill stuff ... but it's the thing to do
Which is why most writers (except, I think, Stephen King) say -> for your first draft just write ... don't wait ... just write ...

No I think your wrong about poor old Stephen. I thought he said he writes the draft, puts it away for a few months then attacks it again expecting to cut at least 10%

(But then he's been at it longer than us: 10% Pah, he's only playing at it.)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

No I think your wrong about poor old Stephen. I thought he said he writes the draft, puts it away for a few months then attacks it again expecting to cut at least 10%

(But then he's been at it longer than us: 10% Pah, he's only playing at it.)

There are many who feel he could do with cutting more in general and that his later work could do with stronger editing to avoid rambly bits, though...