In fine 2K post tradition...

hopewrites

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#1
I'm in the middle of a massive rewrite on this. I decide to take out a spoiler from the first bit and in the middle of de-spoiler-ing I needed a map, and in drawing a map I found that I cant have Muna's bedroom face both the sea behind the castle and the attacking army in front of it. So this is a (very) rough cut of the replacement for the monolog she does in her bath the morning after this takes place recalling this dialog and reviewing it to herself.
I'll still have to do something next morning but I might stay in Lord Roalds POV and chuck the flaming sheep at her from that angle rather than interrupt her bath from an impossible angle.


Thanks in advance for any and all feedback



~.~.~.~





Muna sat at the high table, lips pursed over an untouched meal that was growing colder by the minuet.

“-As it devours our enemies, it will surely turn and devour us! There will be no escape from the ravages of these dire times. No escape. We must all pray that the dragon not appear again tonight, for though it is delivering us of our enemies, enemies we could easily subdue if allowed to fight them ourselves, who is to say it will not make meals of us next. We do not want the beast to find sustenance on our shores or it will learn to come and feed here again and again. And who is to say we will have an attacking army to feed it next time?”

A chorus of agreement met this speech. Muna could take no more. “It has left those of our beasts that we were forced to abandon outside the gates alone. Attacking none, that do not attack us. Why should we fear our protector? Surely it has come to deliver us.”

“Forgive me for interrupting” the High Priest looked anything but penitent. “But would you have us trust a mindless monster over our own strength? The Good God would not agree. Dragons ever were the spawn of The Evil One and no good can come of this plaguing beast. He eats our enemy’s now-“

“She” Muna still stood and the word ground through her teeth.

“What?” The High Priest glared back no happier than she to be interrupted.

“That ‘Destroying Angel’ as you call her is a She. And I predict she will be more help to My People than all your pious mouthings ever could be.”

Turning to the rest in attendance “I bid you all good night. I shall pray that the Dragon come again and again until these would-be-usurpers are cleansed from our gates and we can all get back to living our lives.”

With long stiff strides she left the room in chill silence. No doubt that fool would go on as he had done before, demoralizing and deriding where he should be shoring up the faith of her people.

She did not wait for night to finish falling. As soon as she was in her chamber she threw the bolt and ran, stripping, for the window. Only the feel of the wind beneath her wings would cool her temper. Only the feel of enemy bones crunching between her jaws could grind out the words she had heard. ‘Spawn of The Evil One’ indeed.

The cool ocean spray on her face soothed a little. Now to turn and show those peasants what a ‘Destroying Angel’ was capable of.

~.~

Lord Roald soon found his men were running and screaming.

Panicking demons were more frightening to him than that blasted dragon, who must be raiding the camp again.

That upstart bitch must have it under a spell for it to behave so; attacking the camp without laying waste to anything else, preferring his demonic troops to the more palatable sheep and cows it seemed to delight in protecting.

With a sigh, Lord Roald found his sword and went to see if he could return sense and courage to his soldiers. He felt foolish. What was it about this particular dragon that could have them so scared? He hoped they didn’t know something he didn’t.

Outside his tent the world was red and black death. Shadows danced eerily in all directions as fires slowly consumed half mutilated corpses, or flared up as tents caught adding to the confusion.

It was impossible to tell where the dragon was just by fire and screaming. Both seemed to chase each other around the camp incoherently.

Grabbing a half charred tent pole, set aflame anew, he strode out into the night, trying not to tip on bones or slip on entrails. Bloody dragon.
 

hopewrites

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#2
side notes:
yes this is in the middle (almost smack middle) and there have been some things established. Um let's see. Italics have been established as inner monologue. Muna is the dragon. We've seen her transform and go at the came the night prior to this. It gets everyone's spirits rather low, so we come to dinner with low spirits and then the High Priest gets up and does his bit.
 

chrispenycate

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#3
I'm in the middle of a massive rewrite on this. I decide to take out a spoiler from the first bit and in the middle of de-spoiler-ing I needed a map, and in drawing a map I found that I cant have Muna's bedroom face both the sea behind the castle and the attacking army in front of it. So this is a (very) rough cut of the replacement for the monolog she does in her bath the morning after this takes place recalling this dialog and reviewing it to herself.
I'll still have to do something next morning but I might stay in Lord Roalds POV and chuck the flaming sheep at her from that angle rather than interrupt her bath from an impossible angle.


Thanks in advance for any and all feedback
~.~.~.~





Muna sat at the high table, lips pursed over an untouched meal that was growing colder by the minuet.
Minute, unless (s)he was dancing.
“-As it devours our enemies, it will surely turn and devour us! There will be no escape from the ravages of these dire times. No escape. We must all pray that the dragon not appear again tonight, for though it is delivering us of our enemies, enemies we could easily subdue if allowed to fight them ourselves, who is to say it will not make meals of us next. We do not want the beast to find sustenance on our shores or it will learn to come and feed here again and again. And who is to say we will have an attacking army to feed it next time?”

A chorus of agreement met this speech. Muna could take no more. “It has left those of our beasts that we were forced to abandon outside the gates alone. Attacking none,
D you make a pause here?
that do not attack us. Why should we fear our protector? Surely it has come to deliver us.”

“Forgive me for interrupting
Punctuate (period, I think) Upper case "T"
the High Priest looked anything but penitent. “But would you have us trust a mindless monster over our own strength? The Good God would not agree. Dragons ever were the spawn of The Evil One and no good can come of this plaguing beast. He eats our enemy’s
enemies
now-“

“She” Muna still stood and the word ground through her teeth.

“What?” The High Priest glared back
Comma
no happier than she to be interrupted.

“That ‘Destroying Angel’
Comma
as you call her
Comma
is a She. And I predict she will be more help to My People than all your pious mouthings ever could be.”

Turning to the rest in attendance
Colon?
“I bid you all good night. I shall pray that the Dragon come again and again until these would-be-usurpers are cleansed from our gates and we can all get back to living our lives.”

With long stiff strides she left the room in chill silence. No doubt that fool would go on as he had done before, demoralizing and deriding where he should be shoring up the faith of her people.

She did not wait for night to finish falling. As soon as she was in her chamber she threw the bolt and ran, stripping, for the window. Only the feel of the wind beneath her wings would cool her temper. Only the feel of enemy bones crunching between her jaws could grind out the words she had heard. ‘Spawn of The Evil One’ indeed.

The cool ocean spray on her face soothed a little. Now to turn and show those peasants what a ‘Destroying Angel’ was capable of.

~.~

Lord Roald soon found his men
Men? Perhaps 'troops'?
were running and screaming.

Panicking demons were more frightening to him than that blasted dragon, who must be raiding the camp again.

That upstart bitch must have it under a spell for it to behave so; attacking the camp without laying waste to anything else, preferring his demonic troops to the more palatable sheep and cows it seemed to delight in protecting.

With a sigh, Lord Roald found his sword and went to see if he could return sense and courage to his soldiers. He felt foolish. What was it about this particular dragon that could have them so scared? He hoped they didn’t know something he didn’t.

Outside his tent the world was red and black death. Shadows danced eerily in all directions as fires slowly consumed half mutilated corpses, or flared up as tents caught
Comma
adding to the confusion.

It was impossible to tell where the dragon was just by fire and screaming. Both seemed to chase each other around the camp incoherently.

Grabbing a half charred tent pole, set aflame anew, he strode out into the night, trying not to tip
probably 'trip'.
on bones or slip on entrails. Bloody dragon.
 

hopewrites

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#4
Do you make a pause here?

no, comma removed.

Punctuate (period, I think)

I went with a comma, the priest doesn't pause much, just enough to draw breath (and eyes)

Men? Perhaps 'troops'?

Troops! much better, considering they are demons not human and therefor not "men" at all.

probably 'trip'.
Definitely "trip". who tips bones? *giggle* I wouldn't.


Thank you again for catching those things I simply don't see.
(all other advice implemented without comment)
 

TitaniumTi

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#6
Very nice, and congratulations on the 2000 posts. My favourite sentence from my favourite paragraph is, "She did not wait for the night to finish falling." It communicates both mood and setting, and I particularly like its flow.

I like the dialogue, but I wonder whether you could differentiate more between the priest's speech and Muna's by making her first sentence more direct.
 

thaddeus6th

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#7
Congrats on 2,000 posts. Now, for the defenestration! *sharpens claws*

As always, I try to be as honest as possible, and make any criticism constructive.

by the minuet. - minute

“-As - "As

meals of us next. - ?

enemies we could easily subdue if allowed to fight them ourselves, - I'd probably axe this, to keep the focus on the dragon.

We do not want the beast to find sustenance on our shores or it will learn to come and feed here again and again. And who is to say we will have an attacking army to feed it next time?” - first part sounds a bit matter of fact (sustenance could be slaughtering of men, massacring of cattle etc). The last sentence reads a shade awkwardly, as if withdrawing the army would resolve the problem (but an army sounds like a good thing to have to fight a dragon).

Attacking none, that do not attack us. - us? 'it' would seem to make more sense.

interrupting” the High Pries - comma

He eats our enemy’s now - enemies

“She” - comma

a She - style point, but capitalising such a pronoun suggests a god, so I'd probably make it lower case.

attendance “ - comma at least, probably "She said" or suchlike as well.

Rather liked the twist at the end of the first scene.

dragon, who must be raiding the camp again. - 'that' may work better than 'who', depending how you're playing the dragon. Also, wouldn't he *know* whether or not a massive flying reptile was ruining his camp?

preferring his demonic - the?

Lord Roald found his sword - hmm. Unless he's literally lost it, unsheathed or similar would fit better.

or flared up as tents caught - 'caught fire' or similar would make it read better

to tip on - trip
 

Boneman

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#8


Definitely "trip". who tips bones? *giggle* I wouldn't.





Well, I'm not serving your table, then.:eek: Despite that put-down, I'll still offer my opinion...;) Congratulations on two thousand posts, and Chripsy has covered almost all of the grammar, though I'd go for a question mark here:

who is to say it will not make meals of us next.?
Very enjoyable look at this world, and I'm already concerned for her, that she might become wounded - which would be a great idea to work through, with her wounded as a woman too!
 

Bowler1

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#9
“-As it devours our enemies, it will surely turn and devour us! There will be no escape from the ravages of these dire times. No escape. We must all pray that the dragon not appear again tonight, for though it is delivering us of our enemies, enemies we could easily subdue if allowed to fight them ourselves, who is to say it will not make meals of us next. We do not want the beast to find sustenance on our shores or it will learn to come and feed here again and again. And who is to say we will have an attacking army to feed it next time?” I felt this was a big chunk of dialogue that could have been broken up with a character action or something.

With a sigh
– just a sigh and not something stronger?, Lord Roald found his sword and went to see if he could return sense and courage to his soldiers. He felt foolish. What was it about this particular dragon that could have them so scared? He hoped they didn’t know something he didn’t.

Outside his tent the world was red and black death. Shadows danced eerily in all directions as fires slowly consumed half mutilated corpses, or flared up as tents caught adding to the confusion.

It was impossible to tell where the dragon was just by fire and screaming. Both seemed to chase each other around the camp incoherently.

Grabbing a half charred tent pole, set aflame anew, he strode out into the night, trying not to t
rip on bones or slip on entrails. Bloody dragon. – These last three sections were nice I thought - good description and linked to a character too.
Cool. A nice twice on her being the Dragon. The camp scene is described well but the castle felt description light. I’d have liked more background described. Also, smell, taste and a little more direct character emotion/experience to pull me in more. What does it feel like to fly like a Dragon and chomp on Demon soldiers (I like mine with a soft boiled egg). A little bit more of Hopewrites on the page please, more so, because I liked what I saw. I think you could have taken your time and had some fun here, and shared that fun with the reader too.
2k – well done. Keep at it.
 

ratsy

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#10
Well done on 2000 posts Hope! I'm so far behind everyone! How do you all do it?

I liked the story. It was good with some great descriptive sentences. Is Muna the MC? I think she seems like a cool, strong voice which could make this story. Is this going to be a short or a book?
 

hopewrites

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#12
Very nice, and congratulations on the 2000 posts. My favourite sentence from my favourite paragraph is, "She did not wait for the night to finish falling." It communicates both mood and setting, and I particularly like its flow.

I like the dialogue, but I wonder whether you could differentiate more between the priest's speech and Muna's by making her first sentence more direct.
I'll go back over it and see what I can do to give them distinct voices. Thanks
enemies we could easily subdue if allowed to fight them ourselves, - I'd probably axe this, to keep the focus on the dragon.
I'll try to make it clearer how emasculated her warriors feel at being denied the chance to fight for their homeland.
We do not want the beast to find sustenance on our shores or it will learn to come and feed here again and again. And who is to say we will have an attacking army to feed it next time?” - first part sounds a bit matter of fact (sustenance could be slaughtering of men, massacring of cattle etc). The last sentence reads a shade awkwardly, as if withdrawing the army would resolve the problem (but an army sounds like a good thing to have to fight a dragon).
It's apparently not clear in this clip, but the army outside the gates is an attacking army. The priest is making a point that once the dragon has eaten or driven off their foes, it will continue to come and feed here. Not differentiating between themselves and their foes.
I'll try to make that clearer.
Lord Roald found his sword - hmm. Unless he's literally lost it, unsheathed or similar would fit better.
When I origanally wrote this the dragon's attack woke him in the middle of the night. Now that she is attacking at dusk I see that some things will need adjustment. Such as where Lord Roald and his equipment are.
Thanks for pointing up where, so I can get right to that.
Well, I'm not serving your table, then.:eek: Despite that put-down, I'll still offer my opinion...;) Congratulations on two thousand posts
If you served my table I'd tip you better than bones. ;)
and Thank You! I've enjoyed every moment I've been here.
Very enjoyable look at this world, and I'm already concerned for her, that she might become wounded - which would be a great idea to work through, with her wounded as a woman too!
oh that is an idea. I'll take a long look at that.
In the morning Lord Roald is going to send some of her sheep to her. On fire. By trebuchet. Plenty of chance to get hurt there.
And even a dragon would sustain some kind of damage in battle. Scratch up her delicate skin and what not. *thoughts meander off on 7 tangents regarding this* THANKS :D
I felt this was a big chunk of dialogue that could have been broken up with a character action or something.
Or description of the hall? as I havent put in much of ANY description on her home. *shame on me* I could easily slip a bit in here and there as the people crammed into the hall hearing this speech react. Good Idea! *hugs of thanks*
With a sigh – just a sigh and not something stronger?, Lord Roald found his sword

ooh you're right. Lord Roald would have something stronger to say than a sigh.
Also, smell, taste and a little more direct character emotion/experience to pull me in more. What does it feel like to fly like a Dragon and chomp on Demon soldiers (I like mine with a soft boiled egg). A little bit more of Hopewrites on the page please, more so, because I liked what I saw. I think you could have taken your time and had some fun here, and shared that fun with the reader too.
2k – well done. Keep at it.
I'll get right on all of that! THANK YOU.
Well done on 2000 posts Hope! I'm so far behind everyone! How do you all do it?
I dont hold back when I have something to say. Not like IRL anyway *sassy wink*
I liked the story. It was good with some great descriptive sentences. Is Muna the MC? I think she seems like a cool, strong voice which could make this story. Is this going to be a short or a book?
Muna is the MC, honestly I'm not sure. I'll use as many words as it takes to get her story across and see where it goes from there.
Truth be told Gary is to blame for this bold attempt of mine. He, and a few others here, talked me into believing I could write something publishable. So I took down my dream diary (since my subconscious mind was writing better than my conscious mind at the time) and looked for something that I felt I could turn into something.
Not only did I have the ending for this one (many of my dream diary stories end with "and then I woke up") and as far as my nightmares go, it was one of my favorites. I thought I would give it a go.
Massive thanks to everyone who has replied so far, it's been very fun to see how far along the learning curve I've come. As well as how far I have to go.
I know I'll be around for many more posts to come, as you are all so helpful and kind.
 

Grimward

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#13
Awww. I was actually hoping that a dance would be involved, because a meal growing colder by the minuet would have been a first for me! ;-)

"Muna still stood...." or Muna stood still? And she was sitting as your snippet here opened; did you mean for her to stand, perhaps in that second paragraph where she could take no more? Or maybe you were trying to emphasize her interruption of the High Priest at this point (in which case I recommend losing "still").

Am guessing the reference to "Destroying Angel" was a quote from the High Priest that occurred prior to this segment.

"Panicking demons" also seems to imply an event that occurred previously (the reader, at least THIS reader, wonders what they were panicked about). Works fine if there were previously panicked demons that Lord Roald confronted/encountered. Otherwise, an adjective that implies threatening (as opposed to "threatened") demons might work better?

I too like the twist of Muna being the dragon, and her transformation sequence is brief, simple, but paints quite the picture. Congrats on 2000!
 
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#14
In one of my many unpublished (unpublishable?) WIPs, demons are fireproof...unless it's a very special kind of fire...like dragonfire. That burns them. It's one thing they do fear.

Other than that, dear Hope, I can't see anything that hasn't already been mentioned. So I'll just congratulate you on 2k posts. :)

P.S. Glad you're still working on this. I remember you reading some of it to me. And I agree with Gary, you can write publishable stuff
 
Last edited:

hopewrites

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#15
Awww. I was actually hoping that a dance would be involved, because a meal growing colder by the minuet would have been a first for me! ;-)
Maybe I'll write something else where the food grows colder by the minuet.
"Muna still stood...." or Muna stood still? And she was sitting as your snippet here opened; did you mean for her to stand, perhaps in that second paragraph where she could take no more? Or maybe you were trying to emphasize her interruption of the High Priest at this point (in which case I recommend losing "still").
oh I did mean to have her stand before this part. Drat it all. Now I'll have to watch for where she does it and make a point of having her do so.
Thank you!
Am guessing the reference to "Destroying Angel" was a quote from the High Priest that occurred prior to this segment.
well yes and no. I came into the dialog partway into his long dry speech. (which is why her meal has been growing cold all this time. priest turning her stomach making opening her mouth rather dicy, as proved when she finally losses her cool and does.) So I could ether back up and give more of his sermon, which I supose I could interject crowd reaction and Muna's reactions and her reactions to the crowds reactions into... (no idea how yet) or I could leave it as is and use it to imply that the sermon has been going on for ages (as I tried to do but maybe didnt do so well) or I could drop the quote and have her quoting something he did say on page.
"Panicking demons" also seems to imply an event that occurred previously (the reader, at least THIS reader, wonders what they were panicked about). Works fine if there were previously panicked demons that Lord Roald confronted/encountered. Otherwise, an adjective that implies threatening (as opposed to "threatened") demons might work better?
well this is her second raid on the camp. so the only previous experience LR has with panicking demons was yesterday. I do need to take a look at how he got a hold of a demon army and why they chose to follow him. I have an idea for a subplot reason for it, just not sure if it would ever get worked in or not. They are panicking because she is that vicious of an opponent. I'll see what I can do to show that better. Because even though you havent seen her previous attack, I did it mostly as a monolog of thoughts from her perspective as she eviscerates and BBQs the camp. (one I'm also rewriting because it was more tell than show.)
I too like the twist of Muna being the dragon, and her transformation sequence is brief, simple, but paints quite the picture. Congrats on 2000!
Thanks again! This is her second of three transformations, the first time I take my time with it, letting the reader enjoy the twist of her being more powerful than she lets on. The third is right out on the battlements where everyone, Demon and Peasant alike can see. (makes mental note to have somebody react to that) I do that one very much in her head so the reader can see just what it's like to turn into an all-powerful rage-monster
In one of my many unpublished (unpublishable?) WIPs, demons are fireproof...unless it's a very special kind of fire...like dragonfire. That burns them. It's one thing they do fear.

Other than that, dear Hope, I can't see anything that hasn't already been mentioned. So I'll just congratulate you on 2k posts. :)

P.S. Glad you're still working on this. I remember you reading some of it to me. And I agree with Gary, you can write publishable stuff
Unfortunately the bit I read to you has been reduced to a single sentence in this iteration. I'm glad you remember it from that long ago though! I took your (or someone's) advice and made her stronger, less a frail malleable bubble, so that her transformation is believable, if still unexpected.
 

Parson

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#16
Hope, as I've said before I'm more of a reader than an author and so I could not make the kind of criticisms that these nobles have made. But this I can say. This is cracking good stuff. I'm intrigued by the changeling and appalled by the preacher. (Must a Parson be the villain?:eek:) -- Just kidding, it fits the story to a T.

Hope, you are a very creative person and I know you can do this really well. I'm in awe of your ability to write when I know the kind of struggle you have. I started to become of aware of your talent in the forum "Answers before questions," your ability to get nuance into a line by saying things like (half silly smirk) add immeasurably to your replies.
 

hopewrites

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#17
*hugs Parson* I'm sure there are Servants of Good in Muna's kingdom (ladydom? secret-dragondom?) They are just far too good natured to spoil everyone's dinner by further demoralizing demoralized people for the sake of a fuller chapel afterwards.

My mom read a paper (or heard of someone who had read a paper, I'm never sure with her) where they said that dyslexia effects the languages centers so that a dyslexic learns their first (and any subsequent) language as though it is there second. And there are times when I feel that I'm trying to cram more meaning into a phrase than the language allows for. At which times I get creative with it, sometimes braking it.

I guess that means I use Jazz-English *sassy wink at the pendants who know its is NOT the case*
 

Grimward

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#18
well this is her second raid on the camp. so the only previous experience LR has with panicking demons was yesterday. I do need to take a look at how he got a hold of a demon army and why they chose to follow him.
Ah, so the panicking demons are those who are "his men", then? I completely missed this, but agree that if the pages before have that "look" represented, it will make more sense (or at least penetrate my dense cranium).
 

hopewrites

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#19
Oh yeah! She comes right out and says "its a good thing they're demons. Humans dont give good sport." Sorry I should have added that to the list of things previously established.
 

Cosmic Geoff

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#20
I'll still have to do something next morning but I might stay in Lord Roalds POV and chuck the flaming sheep at her from that angle rather than interrupt her bath from an impossible angle.
They chuck flaming sheep? I like it already :)


Muna sat at the high table, lips pursed over an untouched meal that was growing colder by the minuet. minute

“-As it devours our enemies, it will surely turn and devour us! There will be no escape from the ravages of these dire times. No escape. We must all pray that the dragon not appear again tonight, for though it is delivering us of our enemies, enemies we could easily subdue if allowed to fight them ourselves, who is to say it will not make meals of us next. We do not want the beast to find sustenance on our shores or it will learn to come and feed here again and again. And who is to say we will have an attacking army to feed it next time?”
This speech is rather an off-putting chunk. Could be broken up with some beats?
A chorus of agreement met this speech. Muna could take no more. “It has left those of our beasts that we were forced to abandon outside the gates alone. Attacking none, that do not attack us. Why should we fear our protector? Surely it has come to deliver us.”

“Forgive me for interrupting” the High Priest looked anything but penitent. “But would you have us trust a mindless monster over our own strength? The Good God would not agree. Dragons ever were the spawn of The Evil One and no good can come of this plaguing beast. He eats our enemy’s now-“

“She” Muna still stood and the word ground through her teeth.

“What?” The High Priest glared back no happier than she to be interrupted.

“That ‘Destroying Angel’ as you call her is a She. And I predict she will be more help to My People than all your pious mouthings ever could be.”

Turning to the rest in attendance “I bid you all good night. I shall pray that the Dragon come again and again until these would-be-usurpers are cleansed from our gates and we can all get back to living our lives.”

With long stiff strides she left the room in chill silence. No doubt that fool would go on as he had done before, demoralizing and deriding where he should be shoring up the faith of her people.

She did not wait for night to finish falling. As soon as she was in her chamber she threw the bolt and ran, stripping, for the window. Only the feel of the wind beneath her wings would cool her temper. Only the feel of enemy bones crunching between her jaws could grind out the words she had heard. ‘Spawn of The Evil One’ indeed.
And it cuts to her in flight. I don't think it really needs anything about how she gets out of the window and transforms.
The cool ocean spray on her face soothed a little. Now to turn and show those peasants what a ‘Destroying Angel’ was capable of.

~.~

Lord Roald soon found his men Men or demons? were running and screaming.

Panicking demons were more frightening to him than that blasted dragon, who must be raiding the camp again. I should have thought it would be obvious if it was flying overhead and setting fire to the camp, or otherwise.

That upstart bitch must have it under a spell for it to behave so; attacking the camp without laying waste to anything else, preferring his demonic troops to the more palatable sheep and cows it seemed to delight in protecting.

With a sigh, Lord Roald found his sword and went to see if he could return sense and courage to his soldiers. He felt foolish. What was it about this particular dragon that could have them so scared? He hoped they didn’t know something he didn’t.

Outside his tent He was in the tent? Did he go in there to find his sword, or was he in there since the start of his scene? the world was red and black death. Shadows danced eerily in all directions as fires slowly consumed half mutilated corpses, or flared up as tents caught adding to the confusion.

It was impossible to tell where the dragon was just by fire and screaming. Both seemed to chase each other around the camp incoherently. He can't see it overhead? Maybe explain why not, give us a picture.

Grabbing a half charred tent pole, set aflame anew, he strode out into the night, trying not to tip on bones or slip on entrails. Bloody dragon.
Woman turns into dragon, flaming sheep as missiles, a sardonic tone. :D I like this a lot.
 

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