3,000th post critique

thaddeus6th

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It's a short one, just over 400 words. Not been beta read and won't be published, so it may well be quite rough. I wrote it months ago, so I'm quite glad about the timing.

--


"So, let me get this right,” Sir Edric said to the visiting priest. “You’re being terrorised by a giant albino rodent that appears at the same time every year? And you want me to kill the aforementioned magical vermin?”

Dog coughed. “Actually, sir, it sounds like the Easter Bunny is more of a benevolent spirit.”

“Indeed,” Father Michael agreed. “He’s more of a fun character for children. The real message of Easter is about Jesus-”

“He’s the vampire, yes?”

Father Michael sighed. “No, Sir Edric. He is the Son of God-”

“I thought you said he was a carpenter?”

The priest cast his eyes to the heavens and mouthed a silent prayer. “Jesus was the Son of God. He was killed and lay for three days before rising from the dead, when he spoke again to his followers and then passed from our sight.”

Sir Edric nodded knowingly. “Definitely a vampire. So, you want me to kill Jesus?”

Father Michael was silent for a moment, clenching his jaw so hard his muscles bulged. “No, Sir Edric. I do not want you to kill Jesus. Or the Easter Bunny. I’m simply here to spread the message of Our Lord, to speak of his rising from the dead and the triumph of hope over despair, of life everlasting and-”

Sir Edric raised a hand to cut off the priest’s prattling. “That’s riveting. So, beyond preaching, is there any reason you’re here?”

The priest sighed again, and raised a large basket he was carrying. “I’ve also brought a large number of Easter eggs for the children of Awyndel.”

The knight frowned. “What do eggs have to do with vampires?”

Father Michael took a moment to answer. “It’s just a fun tradition to give one another, especially children, chocolate eggs to eat at this time of year.”

“What a splendid notion,” Sir Edric agreed. “Dog and I were just on our way to the orphanage. Why don’t we take your eggs with us?”

“I wouldn’t want to trouble you-”

Sir Edric beamed a smile. “No trouble at all, Father Michael. I shall be sure to help spread the word of the vampire lord Jesus and his infernal albino rabbit beast. Dog shall see you out.”

Once his manservant had escorted the cleric from his home, Sir Edric began to tuck into the huge quantity of Easter eggs. In the spirit of the occasion he selected one of the smaller ones for Dog and raised a glass of wine in a toast.

“Huzzah for Jesus, the undead master of the dread rabbit!"
 

Juliana

Juliana Spink Mills. "No capes!"
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Nice! And congratulations on the 3000 posts!!

I thoroughly enjoyed it, very tongue-in-cheek and very Edric (I finally got around to reading Sir Edric's Temple, been meaning to tell you what fun it was...).
 

ctg

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He’s the vampire, yes?”
Father Michael sighed. “No, Sir Edric. He is the Son of God-”
Full stop, cut the god bit out, or allow Father Michael to continue a bit more.

Once his manservant had escorted the cleric from his home, Sir Edric began to tuck into the huge quantity of Easter eggs. In the spirit of the occasion he selected one of the smaller ones for Dog and raised a glass of wine in a toast.
This is in direct need of a bit more narrative. Not much, but at least IMHO you should give readers more joy of seeing him bashing the eggs with his gauntlet to only find out there's toy in there (or something), before you allow him to raise a toast. Otherwise, wonderful little story. And congratulations on your three thousand.
 

thaddeus6th

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I was thinking of maybe putting it up on my 'official' site, springs. Wanted to get the opinion of Chrons first.

Glad it seems to be going down fairly well. My objectivity when it comes to writing comedy is pretty awful.
 

Mouse

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I don't know the characters but I do like vampire Jesus. :D

(A rabbit's a lagomorph, not a rodent, but I guess the character won't know that! But poss 'lagomorph' sounds funnier than rodent?)
 

hopewrites

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Final line killed me. *RIP Hope, who died laughing*

I say definitely post it up where others can read, good timing for it.
 

thaddeus6th

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I did not know that, Mouse. Hmm. That might be better. Have to think about it. Is a lagomorph still vermin?

Sir Edric's well-educated but not particularly academic.
 

ratsy

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Thad, that was quite funny. Well done! And congrats on 3000th
 

JoanDrake

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Great. You definitely write comedy well and that is a special gift. I'd put it on your site soonest
 

thaddeus6th

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It's up here: Sir Edric and the Vampire Lord - Thaddeus White

So please do feel to link, tweet/retweet (I'm MorrisF1 on Twitter) and so forth, and to give Sir Edric's Temple a look if you enjoyed this.

I changed 'rodent' to 'lagomorph' as it increases, I think, the surprise element of the evil beast being the Easter Bunny. I didn't change the interruption because it keeps up the notion of Sir Edric being a bit rude/impatient. I think breaking eggs and finding a toy or whatnot within is a good suggestion, and I'd probably add/rewrite it to include that, if I weren't pushed for time (behind schedule with a short story and want to crack on with Sir Edric's Treasure so I don't want to devote any time to this beyond very easy to change things).

Cheers for the suggestions, ctg and Mouse.
 

barrett1987

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i think the interupt stopping at son of- instead of son of God- makes it more of an interupt
 

Bowler1

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“What a splendid notion,” Sir Edric agreed. - The agreed speech tag wasn't needed as he'd already agreed in the dialogue. However... Terry Pratchett uses these type of speech tag all the time and he has been made a "Sir" for his services to writing, so what do I know, eh?


I liked the section posted. Strip away our cultural upbringing and take a fresh look at what we think we know and yes, the Easter Bunny is confusing. Entertaining too, what more do you need?


Well done on 3k posts. Keep at it too.
 

thaddeus6th

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Not sure Sir Thaddeus sounds right :p

Glad you liked the alternative take on Easter. I haven't even started the 4,000th critique piece yet, but I have an idea in mind.

I hope the dread rabbit brought you (and everyone else) an egg or two.
 
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