I'm increasingly looking at how to use stronger verbs to match the mind of the POV character.
That means for the opening paragraph I want to push on a few choice words that help generate a feeling of tension to grow through the text that follows.
My original opening is:
Question is, am I just picking needlessly and over-editing, or does anyone follow what I'm trying to do?
That means for the opening paragraph I want to push on a few choice words that help generate a feeling of tension to grow through the text that follows.
My original opening is:
I've tried to strengthen it a little more by re-arranging a few of the sentences and swapping in different verbs:Rynell spurred his horse along the hunting track. Exhausted, dust-stained, and sore, he weaved uphill through naked woodland. The shadows of dusk thickened as the first stars glittered. After four days hard riding he was almost safe.
To me the second is stronger, because I've moved from "weaved, naked, and thickened" to "died, gnarled, and loomed". Also, the second flows a little more naturally to me - ie, holding back on the telling of his state until I can juxtapose stakes against that, as opposed to a general "damn, this is a tiring ride".Rynell spurred his horse as the last crimson rays of evening died. He chased dusk’s looming shadows as they clad gnarled trees, up the hunting track as the first stars glittered. Exhausted, dust-stained, and sore, he was almost safe.
Question is, am I just picking needlessly and over-editing, or does anyone follow what I'm trying to do?