First Section of Chapter 1 of my WIP - 620 words

[Handsome John]

Thanks for taking the time to check this out.

Cursing has been removed.

I haven't really had much of a chance to have this critiqued (friends don't count when all they say is, "That's great, mate!" so please go ahead and tear it to shreds.

****************************************

Callan Wallace leant on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the row boat head back to its mother ship. The wind was strong enough to toss his long hair to and fro and tug his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he noticed neither of these things as he watched the little boat. Things had taken a turn for the worse.

~*~

The captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, and his first mate, Della Starbon, did not know of his concern and they did not share it. They thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time. “Well,” the captain said with annoyance, “we may not like it but there's not much we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board and search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to grin and bear it. We've got nothing to hide, so we'll be on our way soon enough.”

Della scoffed. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” Only the Mylani could put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her belligerence. She'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.

Thorn put his irritation aside and donned his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband is to go over the side. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.”

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said, and strode off to do her work.

~*~

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and head north to the Holy City when it was hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was heading east to Serpentsmouth. The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where Captain Thorn was told of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. The ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter and even the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail. If the Mylani got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew. Make hay while the sun shines and all that.

Captain Thorn had expressed his surprise to the first mate of the Chaser that there was a station at all. With the amount of foreign vessels sailing into the Holy City for the Congress, Mylan should have had her fleet out protecting the shipping lanes from pirates, not wasting them setting up coastal checkpoints. The first mate of the Chaser had just shrugged. “Who knows why those ****** do what they do?” he had said, before shaking the captain's hand, giving Della a wink and heading back to his boat.

~*~

“Alright then, let's get this **** ****** over with,” Thorn said, as he began to head back towards the helm, still thinking that he had only a familiar nuisance before him.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”

***************************************************

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read it.

 

[BetaWolf]

Okay, just enough description. Good use of dialogue.

I'm a little lost halfway on POV, if that matters so much. We have Callan looking all heroic on the port railing in section 1. Then in sections 2 and 3, I get muddled between Della and the Captain--I just like to know whose head I'm in (if any). Then we get Callan again. I don't have a problem with you having a few short scenes--sort of cinematic really--but in the middle I'm not sure who's telling the story.

I do want to find out who the Mylani are (alien invaders? are we even on Earth?), and you've got the start for some interesting characters--especially nice details on Della's personality, and also Callan's physical traits. But good for the first couple of pages.

Hope that helped.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

My comments in [brackets].
_____________________________________________________________

Callan Wallace leant [I'd say "leaned" is more natural] on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the row boat [I think it's one word "rowboat"] head back to its mother ship. The wind was strong enough to toss his long hair to and fro and tug his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he noticed neither of these things as he watched the little boat. [Something bothers me in this kind of description -- when you are using a limited third person viewpoint like this, it strikes the reader as odd to point out things the viewpoint character doesn't notice. Maybe just something like "he hardly noticed these things" would work.] Things had taken a turn for the worse.

~*~

The captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, and his first mate, Della Starbon, did not know of his concern and they did not share it. [Again, I have trouble when writers point out things the viewpoint characters don't know.]They thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time. “Well,” the captain said with annoyance, “we may not like it but there's not much we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board and search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to grin and bear it. We've got nothing to hide, so we'll be on our way soon enough.”

Della scoffed. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” Only the Mylani could put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her belligerence. She'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.

Thorn put his irritation aside and donned his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband is to go over the side. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.”

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said, and strode off to do her work.

~*~

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and head north to the Holy City when it was hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was heading east to Serpentsmouth. The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where Captain Thorn was told of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. The ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter and even the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail. If the Mylani got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew. Make hay while the sun shines and all that.

Captain Thorn had expressed his surprise to the first mate of the Chaser that there was a station at all. With the amount of foreign vessels sailing into the Holy City for the Congress, Mylan should have had her fleet out protecting the shipping lanes from pirates, not wasting them setting up coastal checkpoints. The first mate of the Chaser had just shrugged. “Who knows why those ****** do what they do?” he had said, before shaking the captain's hand, giving Della a wink and heading back to his boat.

[The constant change of viewpoint -- from limited third to a different limited third to unlimited third is jarring here, as is the shift from vivid narration to this rather dry backstory. It would be OK to have a brief flashback here, but it should also be limited third person, in my opinion. Let's see the first mate, hear the conversation (the "had said" kind of narration takes the life out of it), feel the wind and smell the ocean, hear the creaking of the timbers. etc. I would suggest keeping the first sentence of the flashback -- one use of the passive word "had" is enough to cue the reader that it's a flashback, then just narrate the meeting of the two ships the way you narrated the earlier sections. You can cue the reader out of the flashback in various ways -- "Now he knew the first mate had been right" or whatever.]
~*~

“Alright then, let's get this **** ****** over with,” Thorn said, as he began to head back towards the helm, still thinking that he had only a familiar nuisance before him. [Note: we are in Thorn's head]

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.” [Note: we're in Callan's head]

[This constant shifting of which viewpoint we're following is disconcerting. I would suggest yoiu stick with one, at least for sections of your story which are much longer than these. Then, when you switch viewpoints, you can use a break marker between paragraphs, or even start a new chapter (if this is long enough to have chapters.)

You might want to shift the opening paragraph to the end of this section, so you have a structure like this: Thorn and Della gripe about the upcoming situation, Thorn has his flashback, viewpoint shifts to Callan at the rail, then approaching Thorn with the problem.]

I seem to have complained a lot, but that's only because your structure is getting in the way of a vivid and intriguing story. You have certainly raised my interest in the world you have created. I like the way you have been very subtle in your hints that this isn't just an historical setting, but something stranger. Your settings, events, and characters are real. Keep up the good work!

 

[Glisterspeck]

The wind was strong enough to toss his long hair to and fro and tug his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he noticed neither of these things as he watched the little boat.

He doesn't notice it, but someone does, and in doing so, you signal that that someone who notices is our narrator and that the character is not narrating this section. If you want to have that kind of distance, this works; if not, you can make it "barely noticed." (You'll probably get some more feedback about how close you are to character. Take it in stride and remember that it's up to you to decide how close you want the voice to be.)

The captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, and his first mate, Della Starbon, did not know of his concern and they did not share it.

There should be a comma before "and they did not share it." You're likely to get a lot of comma advice, too. Again, it'll be up to you to decide which to follow. For me, I like creative comma uses, but only when it strengthens style. For me, this run-on sentence does not, so I'd put the comma in (or delete the word they).

The bigger issue for me here is that you've distanced yourself from the characters again. If you do want to get close to character, which isn't a must but a choice for you to make, you can't tell us what your characters don't know they don't know. Only what they know and what they know they don't know.

...are running a board and search of every ship...

If a "board and search" is a single action, I'd probably rephrase it or hyphenate it. The current phrasing is awkward to my ear because "running a board" seems like one action and search another, so I expect search to be searching.

Only the Mylani could put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her belligerence.

You need a comma before the "...but the sight of black sails..." here to break up the run-on sentence.

...hugging the coast as required...

Required by what? Personally, I'd tell that bit or drop the "as required."

The ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter and even the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail.

For a bit of urgency, you could write this with a comma in place of the and in "and even the captain's..."

...Mylan should have had her fleet out protecting the shipping lanes from pirates, not wasting them setting up coastal checkpoints.

I don't think that fleet is usually referred to in the plural, so the second bit here should be "not wasting it setting". I'd prolly make it "not wasting it by setting..."


––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––


I like your word choices, and except for the few comma issues, your sentence structure. The fast scene breaks are a tad schizo for my taste. The breaks make me think you want to be in close third with your characters, but I'm not getting there just yet -- I tried to add a few examples of what's keeping me at bay because I myself find it frustrating to be told you're not close enough to the character's POV without being told what mechanics are keeping the reader from getting close. And you don't have to be close, if you don't want to, but if you don't get closer, then I think you need a bit more separation and a stronger narrative voice. Anyway, it shows promise! Is it a pirate story?

 

[Brian G Turner]

The only bit that worked for me was the third section.

First section: someone doesn't notice how he looks for the benefit of describing him to the readers - not required.

Second section: Dialogue that just says the ship has stopped.

Third section: flowing narrative that tells a lot quickly. There's a really nice feel of narrative and promise IMO.

Fourth section: Is this really a separate section or just an extension of the third?

Either way, my personal non-professional feedback would be to suggest you focus on the third section and slip any pertinent details into it in passing, and maybe tack on the fourth section dialogue as required. What you need to think about IMO is moving the story forward, and the first two bits don't feel to me like they are doing that. However, what you have got seems otherwise nice, so removing the extra sections is more an editing job than a big rewrite. Again, IMO.

 

[Handsome John]

Thanks, guys. After reading your comments I can definitely see what you guys are pointing out.

I could reply to everything you've said but I thought that, instead, I'd just go back and do a quick edit and hopefully you guys can take a look at it again?

****************
Callan Wallace leaned on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the rowboat head back to its mother ship. The wind was strong enough to toss his long hair to and fro and tug his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he barely noticed these things as he watched the little boat. Things had taken a turn for the worse.

Callan's concerns weren't shared by the captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, or his first mate, Della Starbon. They still thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time. “Well,” the captain said with annoyance, “we may not like it but there's not much we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board-and-search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to grin and bear it. We've got nothing to hide, so we'll be on our way soon enough.”

Della scoffed. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” The first mate's belligerence almost brought a smile to Callan's face. You could count on the Mylani to put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her hostility. Callan knew she'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.

Callan watched Thorn put his irritation aside and don his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband is to go over the side. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.”

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said, and strode off to do her work.

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and head north to the Holy City when it was hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was heading east to Serpentsmouth. The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where Captain Thorn was told of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. The ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter, the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail. If the Mylani got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew. Make hay while the sun shines and all that.

Captain Thorn had expressed his surprise to the first mate of the Chaser that there was a station at all. With the amount of foreign vessels sailing into the Holy City for the Congress, Mylan should have had her fleet out protecting the shipping lanes from pirates, not wasting it setting up coastal checkpoints. The first mate of the Chaser had just shrugged. “Who knows why those ****** do what they do?” he had said, before shaking the captain's hand, giving Della a wink and heading back to his boat.

“Alright then, let's get this **** ****** over with,” Thorn said, as he began to head back towards the helm.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”
***********

For now, I'm going to leave what was the third section as it is. I've already considered changing it to be a dialogue piece but I'll look into that later.

Once again, thanks for the feedback.

 

[Handsome John]

I don't have a problem with you having a few short scenes--sort of cinematic really--

I actually thought of this the other day. I think, subconsciously, that I was looking for a cinematic-ish intro when I first wrote it. The edit that I just posted above has cut out the sectional structure, so that's probably gone.

I don't know which way is best. Hopefully you can tell me

The only bit that worked for me was the third section.

Cheers, Brian, but now we get to the bit where everyone said the 3rd was what didn't really work but now you say it's all that did work for ya I guess that's always gonna be the result when different people read the same thing.

I've had thought of changing that part. Possibly turn it into dialogue, as mentioned previously, but also maybe put some of Callan's thoughts into it (with basically the same structure) so as to keep a fluent POV.

I dunno at this point.

Once again, thanks to everyone for the time and also to those who are yet to comment.

 

[Glisterspeck]

Much, much better. I'm starting to get the sense that Callan is my guide through the scene now, that I'm seeing everything from his point of view. For me, I'd work on two things:

1. When you introduce the captain and first mate, give them a physical space in relation to Callan. Tell us where they are standing, what they are doing, anything really that establishes their physicality before Callan starts to think about what they are thinking, before they start to speak. Right now, we don't get any sense of them until the captain puts back on his face. I'd establish them first, then go into all that.

2. Filter more of the thought processes through Callan. In respect to this, this rewrite already reads so much better. I'd now mix into the thoughts some of his actions or reactions. Also, opinion. Use biasing words. What does Callan like or dislike? Use words that show this bias in the prose. Is he ironic? Then use ironic turns of phrase, like you do with the make hay while the sun shines bit.

Anyway, much improved!

 

[BetaWolf]

It's late, so I might be getting this wrong, but I wanted to offer some more suggestions, John. Since you posted an updated version so quickly. Look at this paragraph (#6):

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and head north to the Holy City when it was hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was heading east to Serpentsmouth. The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where Captain Thorn was told of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. The ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter, the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail. If the Mylani got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew. Make hay while the sun shines and all that.

I had to read your excerpt a few times to get that you are summarizing what happened before the first paragraph. So, it's the first mate of the Mylani ship that is returning in the rowboat to the Chaser? Am I getting that right? So, chronologically:

1. First mate of the Wind Chaser boards the Sea Spray.
2. Callan Wallace watches the ship's boat from the Chaser return to the mother ship.
3. The Captain of the Spray and his mate Della discuss orders.
4. Callan tells the captain about a 'problem'.

You've got a little flashback here. What you could do is make the first mate into a character with a line or two--instead of Callan telling us what the first mate had said. This would serve the purpose of establishing what a Mylani is, viz. how are Mylani different (physically or whatnot) from the characters aboard the Spray? I can tell there is definitely tension there, but is it just a heavy-handed navy vs. freebooting civilians (maybe pirates, maybe smugglers)? You might be holding out for a later reveal, but a passing glimpse at the first mate might be a nice touch.

You could do this perhaps by integrating some of the material into the first paragraph, starting with the Chaser's first mate getting into his rowboat. Maybe give him one line, urging the Spray to comply with Mylani regulations? As it is, paragraph six happens (in your timeline) before paragraph one. Unless I am confused.

Of course, this would risk disrupting that nice image of Callan standing at the rail with the wind blowing through his hair. So maybe keep it as paragraph six, but focus on Callan going back over the earlier conversation while the captain and Della are talking tactics. Maybe put the Chaser's mate's words in italics, if all this is going on in Callan's head.

Also, what is Callan's role on the ship? Passenger, able-bodied seaman, some position of authority (e.g., boatswain, quartermaster)?

Sorry if these suggestions are pushing the envelope where you don't wanna go, but you've got me intrigued.

 

[Lenny]

I've had a quick look at both versions, and as you've addressed some of the things I was going to point out in the first version I'm going to focus on your second version.

---

Let me start by saying that this is very well written. I prefer to comment on technical errors (they're far easier and less subjective than comments on content!), but I only noticed one or two! Because it's so well written, though, the little niggles here and there stand out and detract more than they normally might, in the way that patches are much clearer on a highly polished table than a dull one.

---

Red is for technical errors
Orange is for things that could probably be said better
Blue is for repetition of a word or phrase

Callan Wallace leaned on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the rowboat head back to its mother ship. The wind was strong enough to toss his long hair to and fro and tug his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he barely noticed these things as he watched the little boat. Things had taken a turn for the worse.

Initially, I thought the rowboat was returning to the Sea Spray. After reading the entire piece, I now know that it's returning to the Wind Chaser. You could consider replacing "its mother ship" with "the Wind Chaser".

"Things" is one of those words that is brilliant at giving a whole group of elements (even unknown ones) a single identifier, but here it's used to reference two separate sets, one of which hasn't yet been mentioned. In my opinion, the second instance can't be easily rewritten, so I'd remove the first: "but he barely noticed as he watched the little boat".

Callan's concerns weren't shared by the captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, or his first mate, Della Starbon. They still thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time.[New Paragraph?]“Well,” the captain said** with annoyance. “We may not like it but there's not much we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board-and-search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to grin and bear it. We've got nothing to hide, so we'll be on our way soon enough.”

I agree with Glister that we need to know where Thorn and Starbon come from. Currently, they appear from nowhere.

Personal preference would split the dialogue into a new paragraph. I also can't imagine someone simple saying something with annoyance - he expressed/spat/growled. You want something that also conveys a negative emotion, just to give it that extra bit of life.

It's an interesting bit of dialogue, that. The Captain is annoyed, but he seems very accepting of the situation - so much so that he expresses his acceptance a couple of times, and even states, matter-of-factly, that they'll be away soon, as if it's a routine check that bores him.

Della scoffed. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” The first mate's belligerence almost brought a smile to Callan's face. You could count on the Mylani to put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her hostility. Callan knew she'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.

I see what you're getting at with "scoffed", but Della's comment reads more like something you'd mutter under your breath sarcastically, in annoyance rather than jest (particularly given the captain's reaction).

Callan watched Thorn put his irritation aside and don his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband is to go over the side. Not at muster, not in an hour, now.”

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said**, and strode off to do her work.

As with the captain above, I think "said" could be replaced with something that better conveys Della's emotions.

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and head north to the Holy City when it was hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was heading east to Serpentsmouth. The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where Captain Thorn was told of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said**, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible: the ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter, the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail. If the Mylani got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew. Make hay while the sun shines and all that.

If you're going to list what the Mylani do, then it's best to format it as a list. You might also want to add an "and" to the last item, but it does work without one.

That last sentence is jarring, because it's a colloquial statement in what is a formal piece. This is because the description about the Mylani ("If the Mylani ... or its crew") comes from a disembodied narrator, rather than the first mate of the Wind Chaser. Someone else will be able to tell you for sure, but I think it's a third-person objective narrator. To be honest, all the different classifications of narrators wrinkles my brain, so I might be wrong on that count... but I can say for certainty that the last line of the paragraph feels out of place.

Captain Thorn had expressed his surprise to the first mate of the Chaser that there was a station at all. With the amount [number?] of foreign vessels sailing into the Holy City for the Congress, Mylan should have had her fleet out protecting the shipping lanes from pirates, not wasting it setting up coastal checkpoints. The first mate of the Chaser had just shrugged. “Who knows why those ****** do what they do?” he had **said before shaking the captain's hand, giving Della a wink, and heading back to his boat.

"Number" might fit better than "amount".

You can keep the said. However, think about removing the comma after it, and consider joining the Order of the Oxford Comma and putting one in after "wink".

“Alright then, let's get this **** ****** over with,” Thorn **said as he began to head back towards the helm.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”

Again, you don't really need the comma after "said".

Because a number of them are tied up in orange, or are partly red, I've added ** to every instance of "said", just so you can see how many times it's used (although maybe half of them are OK).

---

My biggest problem is that some of the dialogue is pretty flat and doesn't match the emotions you expect the character speaking to have - the best example is the captain expressing his annoyance with the Mylani checkpoint.

Personally, I think the mini-flashback works (particularly if you mention the rowboat returning to the Wind Chaser at the start of the piece).

 

[Handsome John]

I had to read your excerpt a few times to get that you are summarizing what happened before the first paragraph. So, it's the first mate of the Mylani ship that is returning in the rowboat to the Chaser? Am I getting that right?

Nope. Just some other ship that's warning them the Mylani are ahead.

So, chronologically:

1. First mate of the Wind Chaser boards the Sea Spray.
2. Callan Wallace watches the ship's boat from the Chaser return to the mother ship.
3. The Captain of the Spray and his mate Della discuss orders.
4. Callan tells the captain about a 'problem'.

Yep.

Of course, this would risk disrupting that nice image of Callan standing at the rail with the wind blowing through his hair.

I've pretty much wanted that (and the "Things had taken a turn for the worse) to be the start since I first thought about the chapter, so I'm hoping to keep it as it is.

Also, what is Callan's role on the ship? Passenger, able-bodied seaman, some position of authority (e.g., boatswain, quartermaster)?

Comes up in section 2. This section is only 720 words (now) of a 5800 word first chapter.

Sorry if these suggestions are pushing the envelope where you don't wanna go, but you've got me intrigued.

No problemo Hopefully the intrigue bears fruit.

***

OK, take three?

*********************
Callan Wallace leaned on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the rowboat head back to the Wind Chaser. The wind was strong enough to toss his long hair to and fro and tug his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he barely noticed as he watched the little boat. Things had taken a turn for the worse.

The captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, and his first mate, Della Starbon, were not aware of Callan's concern. Standing together at midship as they too watched the rowboat, they hadn't seen the change in his demeanor. They still thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time. They're gonna be pissed when I tell them.

“Well,” the captain spat with annoyance, “we may not like it but there's not much we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board-and-search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to deal with it. We've got nothing to hide, so our noses will be free of their stench soon enough.”

Della sneered as she hauled up the rope ladder that had been dropped over the side of the Spray. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” The first mate's belligerence would have brought a smile to Callan's face on any other day. You could count on the Mylani to put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her hostility. Callan knew she'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.

Callan watched Thorn put his irritation aside and don his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband is to go over the side. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.” Oh, they're gonna be pissed alright.

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said and strode off to do her work.

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and turn north to the Holy City. Everything had been going according to plan until it was hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was sailing east to Serpentsmouth. Callan had gotten a bad feeling as soon as he'd seen the Chaser's parley flag go up.

The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where Captain Thorn was told of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. The ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter, the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail. If the Mylani got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew.

The sense of dread that Callan had felt upon seeing the Chaser's flag had deepened as the conversation wore on. Captain Thorn had expressed his surprise to the first mate of the Chaser that there was a station at all. With the number of foreign vessels sailing into the Holy City for the Congress, Mylan should have had her fleet out protecting the shipping lanes from pirates, not wasting it setting up coastal checkpoints. Callan had been counting on that happening. The first mate of the Chaser had just shrugged. “Who knows why those ***** do what they do?” he had said before shaking the captain's hand, giving Della a wink, and heading back to his boat.

“Alright then, let's get this ******* **** ****** over with,” Thorn barked as he began to head back towards the helm.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. I've got an **** ****** of my own to take. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”

*****************

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, have a little bit of time on my hands

*********************
Callan Wallace leaned on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the rowboat head back to the Wind Chaser. The wind was strong enoughif this is the opening, it's worth bearing in mind agents hate to see the weather as part of the opening. to toss his long hair to and fro and tug his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he barely noticedhe seems to have paid good attention, if, as I'm assuming for now, we're in close third as he watched the little boat. Things had taken a turn for the worseyes, I rather like this line: it's a cliche, but it's nice and close to his thoughts. .

The captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, and his first mate, Della Starbon, were not aware of Callan's concernhow does he know this? As it stands, it's telling, and it sounds like a distant narrator. I've no problem wth that, but we've just had a close non-italicised thought. Standing together at midship as they too watched the rowboat, they hadn't seen the change in his demeanor. They still thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time. They're gonna be pissed when I tell them.

“Well,” the captain spat with annoyance, “we may not like it but there's not much we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board-and-search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to deal with it. We've got nothing to hide, so our noses will be free of their stench soon enough.”

Della sneered as she hauled upcould be read two ways: that she climbed the rope ladder, or she pulled it up. I see it's the latter, but when I first read it I thought it was the former the rope ladder that had been dropped over the side of the Spray. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” The first mate's belligerence would have brought a smile to Callan's face on any other day. You could count on the Mylani to put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her hostilityUp to here I'm fine with the telling, it's nice and close and interesting. . Callan knew she'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.This line, though, I'd prefer to see for myself later.

Callan watched Thorn put his irritation aside and don his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband is to go over the side. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.” I think I'd take a new paragraph. Just because it's his thoughts after another's dialogue, but it's a picky one. Oh, they're gonna be pissed alright.

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said and strode off to do her work.

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and turn north to the Holy City. Everything had been going according to plan until it was hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was sailing east to Serpentsmouth. Callan had gotten a bad feeling as soon as he'd seen the Chaser's parley flag go up.

The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where Captain Thorn was told of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. The ship would be turned upside down, every bunk turned inside out, the manifest scrutinised to the letter, the captain's quarters inspected in minute detail. If the Mylani got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crewOkay, it's an early info dump... and it's reasonably smooth, but I still wonder how much of this I need right now. Also, I'm wondering how much I've already garnered: we can tell it's going to be a search, we know from the captain's reaction - throw the contraband, it's going to be a detailed one? .

The sense of dread that Callan had felt upon seeing the Chaser's flag had deepened as the conversation wore on. Captain Thorn had expressed his surprise to the first mate of the Chaser that there was a station at all. With the number of foreign vessels sailing into the Holy City for the Congress, Mylan should have had her fleet out protecting the shipping lanes from pirates, not wasting it setting up coastal checkpoints. Callan had been counting on that happening. The first mate of the Chaser had just shrugged. “Who knows why those ***** do what they do?” he had said before shaking the captain's hand, giving Della a wink, and heading back to his boat.definitely stretching my info tolerance now. Couldn't some of this have been in the conversation above? Just a thought.

“Alright then, let's get this ******* **** ****** over with,” Thorn barked as he began to head back towards the helm.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. I've got an **** ****** of my own to take. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”killer last line, though.

*****************[/QUOTE]

Hi, John. I quite liked it, was reasonably intrigued with the set up, found the writing smooth and easy to follow. The info dumps slowed it for me a little too much, though, especially as I think you have a lovely option for ratcheting up the tension: the bigger ship approaching, them falling under the shadow. As it is, it all seems very relaxed for a search and board they're not happy about. Where are the other sailors? Where's the people running with the contraband? The crack of the sea? I think it could be brought more alive, and then you'd get away with the info dumping a little better.

 

[Handsome John]

OK, round four?

**********
Callan Wallace leaned on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the rowboat head back to the Wind Chaser. Things had taken a turn for the worse.

The captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, and his first mate, Della Starbon, still seemed unaware of Callan's concern. Standing together at midship as they too watched the rowboat, they hadn't come close enough to see the change in his demeanor. They probably still thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what they had just been told lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time. The wind that the crew were scrambling to harness tossed Callan's long hair to and fro and tugged his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he ignored those annoyances as he turned to look at the captain and first mate. They're gonna be pissed when I tell them.

“Those ******* bastards,” the captain spat with annoyance. “There's ships coming in for the Congress from all over the ******* Crying Sea and they're wasting their fleet setting up way stations. ******* pirates will be running wild if those Mylani ***** are waiting around to search us as we come home. **** me. Why aren't they out protecting the lanes from those scavengers?”

Callan could see that Della's irritation matched the captain's. He wasn't surprised “Who knows why those ***** do what they do? If you ask me, this is just another chance to **** with us.”

James Thorn shook his head and gave an angry, but resigned, sigh. “Well, we may not like it but there's **** all we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board-and-search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to deal with it. If we smile and stay out of their way our noses will be free of their stench soon enough.”

Della sneered as she drew up the rope ladder that had been dropped over the side of the Spray. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” The first mate's belligerence would have brought a smile to Callan's face on any other day. You could count on the Mylani to put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her hostility. Callan hoped she'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.

Callan watched Thorn put his irritation aside and don his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband they snuck onboard is to go over the side. I won't flog anyone for having it as long as they toss it. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.” Oh, they're gonna be pissed alright.

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said and strode off, already barking at the crew before she had taken two steps.

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and turn north to the Holy City. Everything had been going according to plan until they were hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was heading east to Serpentsmouth. Callan had gotten a bad feeling as soon as he'd seen the Chaser's parley flag go up.

The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where he had told Captain Thorn of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. If they got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew.

“Alright then, let's get this ******* **** ****** over with,” Thorn cursed to himself as he strode back towards the helm.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. I've got an **** ****** of my own to take. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”
**********


Before we get to Round Five, I just want to take the chance to thank you guys for taking the time and effort to critique this. springs, Lenny, Beta, Glister, Brian and Victoria your efforts are all greatly appreciated.

 

[BetaWolf]

Looks much better.

I've read all four drafts, so I don't have much to say here. The main distraction are where the swear words are missing. As a Red Dwarf fan, I've just read smeg, smeggin', and smeggingly where necessary. A bit off topic, but have you thought of any original curse words or will you go with the ones we all know and love?

I wonder about the details in your world. I've read some on British eighteenth-century maritime history, so a parley flag (or 'flag-of-truce') would generally be white (but it could be blue or whatever in this world--or it could be something else entirely). Just some little things to paint your world different from our own.

How do you hail someone among ships in the Mylani Sea (or whatever you're calling it)?Details, man, details. So I'd add a bit of color there if you want to.

 

[Lenny]

Before we get to Round Five, I just want to take the chance to thank you guys for taking the time and effort to critique this. springs, Lenny, Beta, Glister, Brian and Victoria your efforts are all greatly appreciated.

Not at all. The best thing to do with good advice is to pass it on, so when you're told you need to look out for something in your own writing, you can then identify it, and point it out, for others. Plus, you earn Internet points for doing critiques, so people are more likely to critique things you put up.

---

So, version four (from here on out, I am assigning myself to the even-numbered re-writes!).

To be honest (and possibly a tiny bit awkward), I kind of miss the full flashback! However, what you've got now also works.

Standing together at midship as they too watched the rowboat, they hadn't come close enough to see the change in his demeanor.

Positioning Thorn and Starbon on the ship is good, but the sentence feels clumsy -- possibly "as they too watched the rowboat".

The wind that the crew were scrambling to harness tossed Callan's long hair to and fro and tugged his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he ignored those annoyances as he turned to look at the captain and first mate. They're gonna be pissed when I tell them.

"Those annoyances" could probably be replaced by "it". I'm not too sure about Callan's italicised thought, but I don't know how else it could be conveyed.

He wasn't surprised. “Who

Della sneered as she drew up the rope ladder that had been dropped over the side of the Spray. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.”

Hmm. I'd say that a "sneer" is like a scornful "scoff". Have you considered "cursed", or "swore"? They might fit better, particularly with Della being described as belligerent - cursing or swearing is definitely more aggressive and hostile than sneering or scoffing.

Callan watched Thorn put his irritation aside and don his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband they snuck onboard is to go over the side. I won't flog anyone for having it as long as they toss it. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.” Oh, they're gonna be pissed alright.

The italicised thought isn't directly linked to anyone. I know it's supposed to be Callan, but it might as well be from the narrator who tells us that Callan watches the captain speak.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. I've got an **** ****** of my own to take. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”

Dialogue implies that someone is speaking, and when you address a person by name you're probably looking right at them, so you can probably remove "looked at the captain and spoke".

---

I think you've done well with your changes to the "saids", and the like: the characters have an extra spark of life, and the text surrounding dialogue more closely resembles its feel (for example, "the captain spat his annoyance").

 

[Handsome John]

Once again, thanks everyone for the input. Sorry I haven't been able to reply for a bit but work, you know?

I'll probably leave this first section here and post the second section of Chapter 1.

If anyone can give that a thorough beating then it would be appreciated.

Cheers.

 

[Hex]

Callan Wallace leaned on the port rail of the Sea Spray as he watched the rowboat head back to the Wind Chaser. Things had taken a turn for the worse. [um.. would you hate me if I said that I miss the description you'd managed to work in in the earlier versions? You might not choose to stick exactly to what you had before, but I liked the way it opened out the paragraph and gave your writing the chance to expand (not sure what I mean, hopefully you are)]

The captain of the Sea Spray, James Thorn, and his first mate, Della Starbon, [still seemed unaware of Callan's concern -- I don't like this. I'm not sure why not. Possibly because there's no real indication that he *is* concerned yet. Possibly it's the alliteration.]. Standing together at midship as they too watched the rowboat, they hadn't come close enough to see the change in his demeanor. They probably still thought their ship was making a standard run, nothing untoward, and that what they had just been told lay ahead was little more than an irritating waste of their time. [I think in pace terms these two sentences could be shortened] The wind that the crew were scrambling to harness tossed Callan's long hair to and fro and tugged his shirt tight against his thin frame, but he ignored those annoyances as he turned to look at the captain and first mate. They're gonna be pissed when I tell them. [ok -- I like that connection back to the start of the para]

“Those ******* bastards,” the captain spat [with annoyance -- not sure you need this]. “There's ships coming in for the Congress from all over the ******* Crying Sea and they're wasting their fleet setting up way stations. ******* pirates will be running wild if those Mylani ***** are waiting around to search us as we come home. **** me. Why aren't they out protecting the lanes from those scavengers?” [I don't really know what this is about... and in terms of dialogue it seems quite long -- sort of a contained rant without interruption, which I hadn't expected from the description above -- because the captain here sounds like he's already pretty pissed. Does that make sense?]

[Callan could see that-- you don't need this, unless you really want it] Della's irritation matched the captain's. He wasn't surprised[.] “Who knows why those ***** do what they do? If you ask me, this is just another chance to **** with us.”

James Thorn shook his head and gave an angry, but resigned, sigh. “Well, we may not like it but there's **** all we can do. If those Mylani ***** are running a board-and-search of every ship that comes along then we'll just have to deal with it. If we smile and stay out of their way our noses will be free of their stench soon enough.” [I wouldn't mind a bit of information about who the Mylani are -- has Callan met them?]

Della sneered as she drew up the rope ladder [that had been dropped over this feels like it could be neater] the side of the Spray. “If those ******* have anything to say about it then we'll be held up past my nameday.” The first mate's belligerence would have brought a smile to Callan's face on any other day. You could count on the Mylani to put Della in a foul mood. She'd smile and laugh as she repelled pirates and make jokes as the Spray pushed into punishing waves but the sight of black sails or a mention of the Lords of the Sea would bring out her hostility [very nice -- neat introduction of information about them and just when I wanted it]. Callan hoped she'd keep herself in check, though, if only to get out of their presence as quickly as possible.

Callan watched Thorn put his irritation aside and don his captain's face once again. “Della, grab the manifests and tell the crew that any contraband they snuck onboard is to go over the side. I won't flog anyone for having it as long as they toss it. Not at muster, not in an hour. Now.” Oh, they're gonna be pissed alright. [Hee. OK. Now I'm really engaged. I like this dialogue. I like what it says about the captain]

Della snapped her tall, lean body straight. “Yes, captain,” she said and strode off, already barking at the crew before she had taken two steps.

The Sea Spray had been heading west, hugging the coast as required, and was readying to round Rocher's Point and turn north to the Holy City. Everything had been going according to plan until they were hailed by the Wind Chaser, which was heading east to Serpentsmouth. Callan had gotten a bad feeling as soon as he'd seen the Chaser's parley flag go up.

The Chaser had dispatched its first mate to board the Spray, where he had told Captain Thorn of the way station the Mylani had established on the north side of the point. Standard procedure, the first mate had said, which for the Mylani meant as much hassle as possible. If they got you on the water they made it as bothersome as they could, knowing that once a ship made port there was little they could do to it or its crew.

“Alright then, let's get this ******* **** ****** over with,” Thorn cursed to himself as he strode back towards the helm.

Callan knew he couldn't hold off any longer. I've got an **** ****** of my own to take. He took a deep breath, looked at the captain and spoke. “Captain Thorn, we may have a problem.”
**********

Nice. I have no comments on the later bits. Weirdly, and I almost never say this, I could have done with a little more contextual information during the opening few paragraphs. Not masses, just a touch here and there.

This is good stuff, though, and I look forward to the next section.