Opening couple of paragraphs

Azzagorn

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Now I am filled with a certian amount of dread when posting this up today, I'm currently firing blanks in the writing department. So I sat down and wrote these couple of paragraphs out. It still needs fleshing out but I just wanted to run it past you fine people. I'm struggling with PoV at the moment so this is what I am asking you guys to look at. Thanks guys.



Everyone seemed to askquestions at the same time all the words mangled into one unintelligible set ofsounds. He was ushered through the gathering crowds by security men dressed inuniforms of green and khaki the emblem of the Terrian allied colonies acrosstheir chests the interlocking snakes encircling a golden sun.

The room he’d been led to was large and circular with seats rising up onall sides like an auditorium he noticed a table set up in the centre of theroom. In front of the table was a longer, taller table with three large chairs.Each of the chairs had a symbol engraved into the high backs. He didn’t recognisethe symbols. The first was a set of three silver stars set within a redtriangle, the middle chair had crossing spears on a quartered background ofpurple and grey, and the final chair had a ringed planet with three satellitesof obsidian.
 

Jo Zebedee

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Everyone seemed to askquestions at the same timemight need a comma or something here? all the words mangled into one unintelligible set ofsounds. He was ushered through the gathering crowds by security men dressed inuniforms of green and khakicomma the emblem of the Terrian allied colonies acrosstheir chestscomma the interlocking snakes encircling a golden sun.

The room he’d been led to was large and circular with seats rising up onall sides like an auditoriumfull stop new sentence? he noticed a table set up in the centre of theroom. In front of the table was a longer, taller table with three large chairs.so why did he notice the smaller one first?Each of the chairs had a symbolmight be smoother to stick in something like none of which he recognised here and drop the next sentence? engraved into the high backs. He didn’t recognisethe symbols. The first was a set of three silver stars set within a redtriangle, the middle chair had crossing spears on a quartered background ofpurple and grey, and the final chair had a ringed planet with three satellitesof obsidian.
The pov seems fine, it stays in one perspective the whole time. Punctuation isn't really there, though, especially commas, and some of the sentences pulled me up a little because of that. :)
 

Azzagorn

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This is going to sound a bit retarded but a while back I was told I use commas too much. Granted this was on a roleplaying website, that's always stuck with me and its now a habit I am finding hard to break. Thank you for the feedback though.
 

Brian G Turner

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Need to brush up on the punctuation - reads like it should be a good piece, but the poor punctuation is really distracting.
 

Mouse

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I was just about to quote it and go through it... then I read springs' comments. She's done and said everything I was planning to do and say.
 

Warren_Paul

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Hey Azzagorn, got a few comments on PoV, hope they help. Also, watch out for spacing, something went strange with this and many spaces were missed out. Not sure if the forum software did it, or it happened at your end. As others have commented, the punctuation needs attention. I've commented on the worst bit.

Everyone seemed to ask questions at the same time all the words mangled into one unintelligible set of sounds.

-Straight off the bat we are pushed away from his PoV because the first sentence is written from an overall omni PoV. You need to start it with what he thinks/struggles with/does so that it locks us into his PoV. An easy solution would be to switch it around with the next sentence, so that he is ushered into the room, then comments on the noise, but don't just say it was noisy, say how it effects him-

He was ushered through the gathering crowds by security men dressed in uniforms of green and khaki the emblem of the Terrian -Terrian or Terran?- allied colonies across their chests the interlocking snakes encircling a golden sun.

The room he’d been led to was large and circular with seats rising up on all sides like an auditorium -Full stop here, the next part is a new sentence and unless you reword the first part, it can't be joined with a comma or it will make a comma-splice and people will mutter angry words to you :) - he noticed a table set up in the centre of the room. In front of the table was a longer, taller table with three large chairs. Each of the chairs had a symbol engraved into the high backs. He didn't recognise the symbols. The first was a set of three silver stars set within a red triangle, the middle chair had crossing spears on a quartered background of purple and grey, and the final chair had a ringed planet with three satellites of obsidian.

-As far as PoV goes, the second paragraph is fine. You knew something was up with the PoV, but it's really just how the scene started that throws it off-

Other than that, what could probably help is a bit of his thoughts. What does he think about who is in the room with him, why he is there, how he feels right now. All you have right now is description of the room, but some thoughts would bring us even closer to the PoV.
 

Mouse

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Something I will add (Warren's post made me think of it) is that: He was ushered through the gathering crowds by security men... is passive, but because he's in a passive situation it works. If you do want it more active you'd switch it so it said something like 'the security men ushered him through the gathering crowds.'

edit: Actually, I'm just assuming he's the passive one here. He might not be, in which case, definitely change it.
 
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Ursa major

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First paragraph:
Everyone seemed to ask questions at the same time all the words mangled into one unintelligible set of sounds. He was ushered through the gathering crowds by security men dressed in uniforms of green and khaki the emblem of the Terrian allied colonies across their chests the interlocking snakes encircling a golden sun.
There's nothing specifically omniscient about your opening sentence, but nothing to tie it to your PoV character. I'm a bit wary of adding your character unnecessarily into the narrative by having him see or hear something that's best said straight out; for one thing, it adds another layer between the reader and the action. A character thinking about the action just to introduce themselves has a similar effect. Besides, the word, him, does the trick:
Everyone seemed to ask him questions at the same...
Of course, if they're not asking him, but each other, that wouldn't work. But if they're not asking him, why mention it at all? Just say that in the hubbub, no single question/conversation/whatever could be heard (although don't write this in the passive voice ;)).

Let's assume they are asking him; so we start with
Everyone seemed to be asking him questions at the same time, making it hard to single any one of them out from the hubbub.
We now move into the passive voice. Now while Mouse is right this is more acceptable, it still doesn't have to be written that way:
Security men dressed in uniforms of green and khaki ushered him through the gathering crowds. They wore the emblem of the Terrian allied colonies across their chests: interlocking snakes encircling a golden sun.

Second paragraph:
The room he’d been led to was large and circular with seats rising up on all sides like an auditorium he noticed a table set up in the centre of the room. In front of the table was a longer, taller table with three large chairs.Each of the chairs had a symbol engraved into the high backs. He didn’t recognise the symbols. The first was a set of three silver stars set within a red triangle, the middle chair had crossing spears on a quartered background of purple and grey, and the final chair had a ringed planet with three satellites of obsidian.
Again, we can use a more active voice:
He entered a small enclosed auditorium. Between him and the table set at the room's centre stood a longer table and three large chairs. Each high back carried a different symbol engraved into the wood, none of them familiar to him: three silver stars set within a red triangle; crossing spears on a quartered background of purple and grey; a ringed planet with three satellites of obsidian.
 

Grinnel

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Now I am filled with a certian amount of dread when posting this up today, I'm currently firing blanks in the writing department. So I sat down and wrote these couple of paragraphs out. It still needs fleshing out but I just wanted to run it past you fine people. I'm struggling with PoV at the moment so this is what I am asking you guys to look at. Thanks guys.



Everyone seemed to ask(space)questions at the same time. (new sentence) All the words mangled into one unintelligible set of (space) sounds. He was ushered through the gathering crowds by security men dressed in (space)uniforms of green and khaki,the emblem of the Terrian allied colonies across (Space) their chests interlocking snakes encircling a golden sun.

This sentence reads awkwardly. I would break it into two sentences or perhaps rearrange it like this:
He was ushered through the gathering crowds by security men dressed in green and khaki uniforms; the Terrian Allied Colonies logo of interlocking snakes encircling a golden sun on their chests.



The room he’d been led to was large and circular with seats rising up onall sides like an auditorium. Sentence He noticed a table set up in the centre of theroom (unnecessary repitition). In front of the table was a longer, taller table with three large chairs; each of the chairsremove had a symbol he didn't recognize engraved into the its high backs. He didn’t recognise the symbols. The first imagewas a set of three silver stars set within a red (space)triangle; the middle chair (remove)had crossing spears on a quartered background of (space)purple and grey and the final chair had a ringed planet with three satellites of obsidian.
When you cut and past here, you have to go through and proofread your word spacing. It's a pain in the butt but if you don't your submission becomes very hard to read.

You have some good basic descriptive elements, but IMHO you tend to over-describe, making things a little repititious. Try reading your selection out loud, and I think you will find it will help in your proofreading.
 

Azzagorn

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Sorry about the spacing issues. I forgot that the chrons board plays silly buggers when you copy and paste. Thank you for the feedback I'm going to go back over these paragraphs and do a good long edit and fleshing out with a bit less description :)
 

amberwaves

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opening couple of paragraphs by Azzagorn

I'll pass by on the obvious that have been mentioned with just a quick nod to it being easier to read with proper spacing and punctuation.

What I wanted to note here is that I think I get why he saw the small table first and am not sure what the objection to that was.

I get that his head may be down and that the small table might be in the center but is also the first object with the others actually behind although the description says in front.

This apparent discrepancy is notably understandable in that the character likely sees the small table and in his mind places the large table in front. I see no problem with that and I think readers are intelligent enough to not need that explained.

On the other hand if you really meant that the larger table was between him and the center of the room then there would be an issue but by this description that would not make sense and only what I said above makes sense.

Of course some might argue that I have an alien brain so that's why I see things so skewed.

On another note: and this is just me.
If this were my two paragraphs they look like more of a note I would write myself about what happens here. Then I'd go back and flesh out the real paragraphs. anyway there is neither too little or too much until you are done and from the sound of it you started out telling us you really were not done.

As far as the dreads go don't sweat it. You're the only one who really knows the depth and extent of what you put out there. If some people don't get it it might mean that you need to work on it and if they ever have anything intelligent to say you might get a chance to use it. Just remember a good majority might know less about writing than you do so you need lots of grains of salt.

So far I've only noted one person in this forum that can declare herself as a professional in this field. If there are others chime in any time now.
Anonymous equates to you're just one of us. Bottom line there's no reason to worry because no one here can hurt you.
 

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