Excerpt from untitled novel texts

[Cosmic Geoff]

This fragment was written some years ago. It's from a part of a fantasy novel that failed to happen. I wondered what you will make of it. It may be largely self-explanatory; however it may help to know that Starsin and Barin are employed in the armed forces of the country where this is set, and Starsin is a noble exile from the empire of Calomel. This text has been converted from old bits of paper to PC format.
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Orlac surprised him. He had expected a much larger version of the little towns of pale cobbled stone they had passed on the road, imagining a stout-walled city like the plains cities of Calomel.

But the reality was different. The city was enshrined in a circle of mountains, and there were no walls. Orlac was extensive, with many avenues and wooded parks, and houses of wood as well as stone, and with an air of frivolity not evident in other parts of the country.

Many pleasures were available, and were enjoyed with the earnestness he had come to expect of the Dhikr.

The Vehadr's court surprised him also. The palace building stood in a great park densely wooded with lilac and other flowering trees, and fruit trees of many kinds. With Barin and an escort of Barin's soldiers, he entered at a tall wooden gate guarded by soldiers in the now familiar uniform of plaqued leather. Their officer wore plaques of black, save for enamelled flashes of yellow at neck and helmet peak, and red knife hilts. A broad path of flagstones curving through the trees led them towards the palace.

"Keep on the path, and the animals won't attack you," Barin warned him. Starsin had only half-believed the tales he heard of the Vehadr's [gardens].

"Is it really true that anyone can petition an audience with the Vehadr?"

"Yes it is. Not everyone gets an audience – it helps to bribe the officials, or know someone, but even peasants have got in with their complaints a few times –some of them even got justice."

Barin's cynicism was lost on Starsin. "I find this astonishing."
In Calah, the Emperor Zordan never saw anyone of low rank except his slaves and servants. A peasant mad enough to petition about anything was unlikely to have his hide whole or his head upon his shoulders by evening.

"I could petition the Vehadr about my banishment. I could urge him to put pressure on Calah to get my father released."

"Dhikr threaten the Empire? You rave, foreigner."

"Hardly. The Empire is like rotten cheese. Show me where I should present myself."

"Well if you insist, the offices are in these buildings. Just follow the smell of unwashed litigants."

Starsin stopped and slipped into the shadows of a bush. "Who's that?" he said sharply.

Barin followed his gaze. A pale-headed figure rode by on a riding beast, surrounded by retainers on foot.

"It is the foreign ******* we had before – no it's not, it's a different one. Ambassador he called himself. From your empire," he amplified.

"An Overlord? Dammnation."

Starsin did not emerge till the Overlord and his retinue had passed from view. He had barely reached the precincts of the building when two monks in yellow robes shuffled by; distinctive in their red coned straw hats.

"What are those filthy monks doing here? he demanded.

"I often ask myself that. Still they seem harmless enough."

"I saw enough of them at the palace. I don't trust them. I don't want them to see me. Let's go back."

"As you wish."

 

[Bowler1]

Orlac surprised him. He had expected a much larger version of the little towns of pale cobbled stone they had passed on the road, imagining a stout-walled city like the plains cities of Calomel.
Not bad, but I found specific names of towns a little misleading.

But the reality was different. The city was enshrined in a circle of mountains, and there were no walls. Orlac was extensive, with many avenues and wooded parks, and houses of wood as well as stone, and with an air of frivolity not evident in other parts of the country.
This feels like author telling and not character POV.

Many pleasures were available, and were enjoyed with the earnestness he had come to expect of the Dhikr.
As above, author telling. Who is he?

The Vehadr's court surprised him also. The palace building stood in a great park densely wooded with lilac and other flowering trees, and fruit trees of many kinds. With Barin and an escort of Barin's soldiers, he entered at a tall wooden gate guarded by soldiers in the now familiar uniform of plaqued leather. Their officer wore plaques of black, save for enamelled flashes of yellow at neck and helmet peak, and red knife hilts. A broad path of flagstones curving through the trees led them towards the palace.
Author telling again, movie director descriptions which I’m not finding all that engaging. Again, who is he?

"Keep on the path, and the animals won't attack you," Barin warned him.
I’d have preferred a new line for a new character thought. Starsin had only half-believed the tales he heard of the Vehadr's [gardens].

"Is it really true that anyone can petition an audience with the Vehadr?" Said who?

"Yes it is. Not everyone gets an audience – it helps to bribe the officials, or know someone, but even peasants have got in with their complaints a few times –some of them even got justice."

Barin's cynicism was lost on Starsin. "I find this astonishing."
A little more care making sure it’s clear who is talking when.

In Calah, the Emperor Zordan never saw anyone of low rank except his slaves and servants. A peasant mad enough to petition about anything was unlikely to have his hide whole or his head upon his shoulders by evening. – author telling, we could have had this from the character(s).

"I could petition the Vehadr about my banishment. I could urge him to put pressure on Calah to get my father released."

"Dhikr threaten the Empire? You rave, foreigner."

"Hardly. The Empire is like rotten cheese. Show me where I should present myself." – the dialogue here feels very forced.

"Well if you insist, the offices are in these buildings. Just follow the smell of unwashed litigants."

Starsin stopped and slipped into the shadows of a bush. "Who's that?" he said sharply. This line was unclear until I read on.

Barin followed his gaze. A pale-headed figure rode by on a riding beast, surrounded by retainers on foot.

"It is the foreign ******* we had before – no it's not, it's a different one. Ambassador he called himself. From your empire," he amplified.

"An Overlord? Dammnation."

Starsin did not emerge till the Overlord and his retinue had passed from view. He had barely reached the precincts of the building when two monks in yellow robes shuffled by; distinctive in their red coned straw hats.

"What are those filthy monks doing here? he demanded.

"I often ask myself that. Still they seem harmless enough."

"I saw enough of them at the palace. I don't trust them. I don't want them to see me. Let's go back."

"As you wish."
There is no attempt at an audience now, so I feel cheated as the reader. The section goes no-where, which is frustrating.

This section was hard to follow, with forced dialogue and no clear end point. You need to make sure it’s clear who is talking and when. Use clear speech tags when a character starts talking and after that I’ll assume the characters are replying to each other. Starting a section of speech with no and/or ambiguous speech tags is confusing for the reader. The descriptions were fine but felt like author telling instead of a character POV, I think it feels better from the character POV and can be more engaging.

 

[SciFrac]

Cosmic, I see passive voice used frequently, in particular "was/were". Active verbs change the character of your writing, and I encourage you to employ them more often.

I generally agree with Bowler1, though. Every scene needs to advance the plot, and by the end we don't experience any momentum. Show us why this meeting is so important, what happens if he fails? What's at stake?

He leaves because creepy guys in red hats walk past him. I think we need more info to continue.

 

[Bowler1]

Can we have stuff that's more current as well please. Old writing from years ago does not advance the skill set you have now.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Can we have stuff that's more current as well please. Old writing from years ago does not advance the skill set you have now.

I have started rewriting a large body of work, and getting crits of odd bits serves a dual purpose of helping me decide what to include (or not) and also gives me an insight into what to look out for when looking at the other stuff, or to put it another way, get an idea of what's liked or not liked by real readers before I go hacking it about.
For instance, referring to the piece above, I hadn't particularly noticed before putting it up that it's in narrator rather than character voice, so that's something to watch out for.
It was really interesting and useful to see what was said about the previous one.

 

[HareBrain]

Again, this is generally very crisp, clear writing. I prefer it to the previous piece as it's less repetitive and I can visualise what's going on better. Might not be a currently fashionable style, but it suits a lighter, fast-moving story and I quite like it.

Many pleasures were available, and were enjoyed with the earnestness he had come to expect of the Dhikr.

Oh, joy! -- no twenty-four-page description of these pleasures, like in so many fantasy novels.

Barin's cynicism was lost on Starsin. "I find this astonishing."
In Calah, the Emperor Zordan never saw anyone of low rank except his slaves and servants. A peasant mad enough to petition about anything was unlikely to have his hide whole or his head upon his shoulders by evening.

"I could petition the Vehadr about my banishment. I could urge him to put pressure on Calah to get my father released."

Is "In Calah" meant to be the same paragraph as the line before? If not, I'd suggest it should be. I'd also like a dialogue tag in the line following, only because we usually assume speakers alternate unless it's obviously not the case. (This might have been obvious if I'd known more about him, though.)

I'm also puzzled about Starsin's purpose in entering the garden (or what Barin thinks it is) if he only decides to petition the Vehadr once he's in it?

Starsin stopped and slipped into the shadows of a bush. "Who's that?" he said sharply.

Barin followed his gaze. A pale-headed figure rode by on a riding beast, surrounded by retainers on foot.

What about Barin's troops? What are they doing? Wouldn't their reaction give him away? I'd have thought they'd be quite likely to stare in surprise if someone they're escorting tries to hide; or they might find it suspicious. A bit more detail here would be useful.

 

[nubins]

My feeling on reading it is that I'm not really sure what was going on and it felt a bit dictated. The main thing I would say needed some work is the dialogue. I would suggest you try reading it aloud to yourself. It didn't seem very human so perhaps when you read it aloud, a more natural way of saying what you wanted to say will present itself.