telephone calls in close pov

[Jo Zebedee]

Sorry, I'm sure you all go NOOOO when I go into editing mode. So many questions:

If you have a communication call in first person/close third do you show both sides of it? At the moment I have this:



“Ambassador,” he said when it was answered. "I speak on behalf of the Emperor.”

He paused and listened for a moment.

“Yes, he’s alive.” Another moment. “Yes, I’m sure of it.” A pause. “Yes the former Empress is holding him prisoner, for now. Regarding your mining interests – the stability of the realm is threatened, which will undermine them...”

He listened for another moment. “Thank you for your time, ambassador. I appreciate it, and I’m sure your lack of loyalty will be noted when the Emperor is released.”


I know I need to work on the clunky dialogue, which I'll get to, but should I show both sides of the call? If so, how do I do this halfway gracefully?

 

[Brian G Turner]

I would expect to treat a telephone conversation the same way as dialogue, ie, show the most important parts, and internalise a summary of the rest via the POV character.

 

[kaal]

Yup, if the PoV character is the one having the phone conversation, then (obviously) they can hear that conversation and report it to the reader, directly.
Like Brian, I'd treat it the same way as dialogue.
If you don't want to have the entire conversation, and you can get away with another PoV character for the scene, then you could have the character having the phone conversation summarise for the PoV character.

K

 

[Grinnel]

Sorry, I'm sure you all go NOOOO when I go into editing mode. So many questions: I don't go NOOOO, I go AHHHHHH!, just for the record.

If you have a communication call in first person/close third do you show both sides of it? At the moment I have this:

“Ambassador,” he said when it was answered. "I speak on behalf of the Emperor.”

It seems to me that the caller would be informing rather than answering questions in this situation. "I have your Emperor and if you want him back this is what you have to do..." couched in diplomatic terms.

He paused and listened for a moment.

“Yes, he’s alive.” Another moment. “Yes, I’m sure of it.” A pause. “Yes the former Empress is holding him prisoner, for now. Regarding your mining interests – the stability of the realm is threatened, which will undermine them...” We have to have something here (unless it's obvious from the lead in) as to what the threat is to the stability of the empire and what the caller wants from the ambassador.

He listened for another moment. “Thank you for your time, ambassador. I appreciate it, and I’m sure your lack of loyalty will be noted when the Emperor is released.”


I know I need to work on the clunky dialogue, which I'll get to, but should I show both sides of the call? If so, how do I do this halfway gracefully?

You might consider having the conversation on speaker phone for someone else's benefit. If this is not practical, I would go with IBrian's suggestions.

 

[Abernovo]

To me, it reads as if the character is being observed having the call, rather than from the point of view of the person making the call. So a little distance is created, rather than close POV.

Personally, I don't need to know everything in the call, but (without knowing the rest of the section) I wonder if the lack of the other side might take the reader out of the character's headspace.

In general, if the person making the call is your POV character, then I think it's probably better to include what's being said, or at least give a gist of it. Similar to Kaal's suggestion, but between your POV character's speech, you could summarise what the other speaker is saying:

'He paused and listened for a moment, while the ambassador protested Kare's arrest.'

 

[Bowler1]

I thought you handled that well, Springs, a contrived one sided conversation but it works. You could have the character hang up and then explain what was said to another character afterwards.

'OMG, Springs scary Empress has escaped and captured Kare, what do we do - I'm scared?'
Or similiar...

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I like the way you've only included one side. I do with ellipses but tend not to report the otherside either it feels wrong. You do it a lot more elegantly than I do and I'm thinking of borrowing your technique lol

 

[Jo Zebedee]

borrow away...

I think, for me, the problem is that it reads as if it's omni. But, on the other hand I'm not sure I want both sides to be heard - as Bowler says, this reads as if a certain plot line is being followed, and there may be more to it, if that makes sense. I think I might do the speaker phone thing and just make the conversation a bit cat and mousy, rather than obvious.

 

[Mouse]

I've got a ton of phonecalls in my WiP were you not paying attention? Actually, I can't remember how I did them. I think I showed both sides. I have done the ... thing with the pauses before now for a one-sided phone conversation. I can't remember if that was in TBM or a short story.

Anyway, both ways work, I reckon. Depends what you want to show.

 

[nightdreamer]

Yeah, I, Brian's almost always right about these things. I mentally went over my own works and can think of only one case where I didn't record both sides of the conversation, but that was when I was still dropping hints at what was going on behind the scenes and didn't want the reader to know everything yet. In general, I agree that it's just like any other dialogue.

 

[JoanDrake]

It can lend drama but it can also be unclear. Your example was clear, so I'd say it depends on your preferences.