Chapter 1 Excerpt

[Myra]

Hi, I am putting up the start of my first chapter because I just want to know if anyone would bother reading it. I have tried to give it an element of mystery while giving information as well, but I'm not sure if I have done it right.

Need some help on this one

Please read over and let me know if it is worth going on. Thank you.

(I will also mention that the bit in italics at the bottom is Lily's Narrative as if she was telling the story to someone else. Just thought I would clear that up so it's not confusing.)

**********
Lily Riason never considered herself as a beautiful person or someone with any extraordinary skills that would define her in a special light, but as far as she was concerned, she was just plain and boring so why should she be special?

Lily would not have it any other way.

Though there were times, mostly when she was on her own, when the painful episodes of her life came to the forefront of her mind, haunting her until she had to do something or break something to get away from her past again.

The cruel words of her peers before she moved to Nairn – a beautiful coastal town in the Highlands of Scotland – would resound in her mind and she would want to cry, let out all the anger, hurt and frustration she had bottled up for years in the orphanage and then later when she had been living with her foster parents.

Lily paused for a moment from where she was leaning over a paper; a pen poised in her hand, and wondered why she was thinking all of this now. Those were memories scattered in her dark past and she knew it would do her no good to dwell on them now after so long. She did not miss the orphanage in Elgin – a city located to the east of Nairn – and she was highly positive that no one missed her.

That all happened 5 years ago when she had escaped from her foster parents and moved to Nairn. The council had given her a beautiful, in her opinion, flat – it was a studio flat, built into the top floor of an old Victorian building, with wide windows and an open fireplace – and she had loved the privacy and, as an added bonus, it was only a short walk to the high school, Nairn Academy. When she had moved there, the council had signed her up in the school where she attended as a fifth year student as she had missed the end of that year due to being in hospital.

Lily shook her head to remove those thoughts. She did not like that she was thinking on the past. She had to keep her mind focussed in the present if she was to get her essay finished.

She glanced down at it and frowned when she realised she had been writing her thoughts down on the page and crumpled it up and threw it into the bin before getting a blank piece and trying again. Thoughts of school drifted back into her mind as she looked towards the reference book she had opened in front of her.

She had written a similar essay to this and she had received top marks for it back in school, but then she had received top marks in all her classes. Her Guidance teacher had even written her a very formal letter of recommendation and posted to a few of the more esteemed Universities in southern Scotland – mainly the Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Stirling areas.

Now here she was, attending the University of Edinburgh having received a letter of acceptance from them explaining that they were “highly interested in her work” and to say Lily was ecstatic would have been an understatement.

Therefore, with her letter placed back in the envelope and laying on the mantelpiece, Lily had packed the belongings she had accumulated over the 2 years she had lived there, which included her Bible – a huge tome dedicated to all history dating back to the beginning of time. Lily loved history; it had been her favourite subject since she was a child. When she was younger, she had been fascinated with the explanations written in the tome and had always regarded it as her most treasured possessed. The best castoff her foster parents had ever given her.

She was doing it again.

Thinking back on her past was not good for her health. It would only lead her into that dark part of her mind, the part she had locked up in Elgin, when she left, and thrown away the key…or so she thought.

She shook her head, took a couple of deep breaths, and focussed her mind on her history essay, which was due for her class the next morning. She did not know why she had been thinking about her past, but as she looked down, she noticed she had begun writing her thoughts down again. Almost angrily, she crumpled up that bit of paper as well and pulled out another.

She stared at the reference book again until the words started looking like a jumbled mess and she sighed, turning to look out the window while twisting a tendril of black hair around her finger thoughtfully.

She had shared the flat with a young man – Jordan Williamson, a tall blonde haired, blue eyed student with a passion for music – she had met when she first started at the University, he had been wonderful to be around and easy to talk to.

It had not taken them long to form a relationship which had been steady, thankfully. She had certainly liked him, maybe even loved him, but he had moved to Australia with his parents and after a month of correspondence, not to mention a hefty phone bill, she had broken it off because it just was not working for her.

However, there had also been the fact she did not have the documents available to her to get a citizenship, she still had the rest of the year to finish at University and the thought of moving to a different country made her head spin.

Lily sighed again, turned back to her work, and stared at the piece of paper once more.

Reality has never been as kind as some might want it to be. Not everything works out in the end and that is the sole reason why most people are so miserable. Hope is what drives us, but we should never get our hopes up because then you can withstand anything that the world throws at us… It is less painful to deal with that way…

 

[chrispenycate]

This is under punctuated. Try reading it out loud, and only taking breaths where there are punctuation marks, and you'll be blue and gasping within a couple of paragraphs.

I'm not worried that the sentences tend to drag on a bit; this is not a direct action, get the adrenaline pumping scene, but without some chopping up into easily digestible lumps those long sentences begin to clog the comprehension channels.

I'll suggest some punctuation; feel free to do it differently

Hi, I am putting up the start of my first chapter because I just want to know if anyone would bother reading it. I have tried to give it an element of mystery while giving information as well, but I'm not sure if I have done it right.

Need some help on this one

Please read over and let me know if it is worth going on. Thank you.

(I will also mention that the bit in italics at the bottom is Lily's Narrative as if she was telling the story to someone else. Just thought I would clear that up so it's not confusing.)

**********
Lily Riason never considered herself as a beautiful person

Comma

or someone with any extraordinary skills that would define her in a special light, but as far as she was concerned, she was just plain and boring

Comma

so why should she be special?

Lily would not have

have had? The "have it" on its own is present tense, and the rest is in past.

it any other way.

Though there were times, mostly when she was on her own, when the painful episodes of her life came to the forefront of her mind, haunting her until she had to do something

Comma

or break something

Comma

to get away from her past again.

The cruel words of her peers before she moved to Nairn – a beautiful coastal town in the Highlands of Scotland – would resound in her mind and she would want to cry, let out all the anger, hurt and frustration she had bottled up for years in the orphanage and then later when she had been living with her foster parents.

Lily paused for a moment from where she was leaning over a paper;

Why the semicolon? The pen descriptive follows directly from the "leaning".

a pen poised in her hand, and wondered why she was thinking all of this now. Those were memories scattered in her dark past

Comma

and she knew it would do her no good to dwell on them now

Comma

after so long. She did not miss the orphanage in Elgin – a city located to the east of Nairn – and she was highly

are you sure of that "highly"?

positive that no one missed her.

That

[/quote]

Consider a "had" here, as you're in the pluperfect later in the same sentence.

all happened 5 years ago when she had escaped from her foster parents and moved to Nairn. The council had given her a beautiful, in her opinion, flat – it was a studio flat, built into the top floor of an old Victorian building, with wide windows and an open fireplace – and she had loved the privacy and, as an added bonus, it was only a short walk to the high school, Nairn Academy. When she had moved there, the council had signed her up in the school where she attended as a fifth year student

Comma

as she had missed the end of that year

Comma

due to being in hospital.

Lily shook her head to remove those thoughts. She did not like that she was thinking on the past.

That's a rather clumsy construction

She had to keep her mind focussed in the present if she was to get her essay finished.

She glanced down at it and frowned when she realised she had been writing her thoughts down on the page

Comma

and crumpled it up and threw it into the bin

Comma

before getting a blank piece and trying again. Thoughts of school drifted back into her mind as she looked towards the reference book she had opened in front of her.

She had written an essay similar to this and she had received top marks for it back in school, but then she had received top marks in all her classes. Her Guidance teacher had even written her a very formal letter of recommendation and posted

it

to a few of the more esteemed Universities in southern Scotland – mainly the Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Stirling areas.

Now here she was, attending the University of Edinburgh

Comma

having received a letter of acceptance from them explaining that they were “highly interested in her work”

Comma

and to say Lily was ecstatic would have been an understatement.

Therefore, with her letter placed back in the envelope and laying

(grumbles) "lying". 'I lie, I lay, I have lain', not 'I lay, I laid, I have laid'. It's not making a nest for little stamps.

on the mantelpiece, Lily had packed the belongings she had accumulated over the 2

Suggest short numbers written out completely, "two"

years she had lived there, which included her Bible

Questionable that dash, and, for that matter, the use of the capital "B". I assume the book is not an actual bible, but a reference work she frequently consults (not clear as it is a book, which (of all 'histories' could claim the 'beginning of time' as a departure point; if you take it at face value, anyway.)

– a huge tome dedicated to all history dating back to the beginning of time. Lily loved history; it had been her favourite subject since she was a child. When she was younger, she had been fascinated with the explanations written in the tome and had always regarded it as her most treasured possessed. The best castoff her foster parents had ever given her.

She was doing it again.

Thinking back on her past was not good for her health. It would only lead her into that dark part of her mind, the part she had locked up in Elgin, when she left, and thrown away the key…or so she thought.

She shook her head, took a couple of deep breaths, and focussed her mind on her history essay, which was due for her class the next morning. She did not know why she had been thinking about her past, but as she looked down, she noticed she had begun writing her thoughts down again. Almost angrily, she crumpled up that bit of paper as well and pulled out another.

She stared at the reference book again until the words started looking like a jumbled mess and she sighed, turning to look out the window while twisting a tendril of black hair around her finger thoughtfully.

She had shared the flat with a young man – Jordan Williamson, a tall blonde haired, blue eyed student with a passion for music – she had met when she first started at the University,

Comma splice

he had been wonderful to be around and easy to talk to.

It had not taken them long to form a relationship which, thankfully, had been steady. She had certainly liked him, maybe even loved him, but he had moved to Australia with his parents and

Comma

after a month of correspondence, not to mention a hefty phone bill, she had broken it off because it just was not working for her.

However, there had also been the fact she did not have the documents available to her to get a citizenship,

I suspect this might be another comma splice, but maybe not.

she still had the rest of the year to finish at University and the thought of moving to a different country made her head spin.

Lily sighed again, turned back to her work, and stared at the piece of paper once more.

Reality has never been as kind as some might want it to be. Not everything works out in the end

Comma

and that is the sole reason why most people are so miserable. Hope is what drives us, but we should never get our hopes up because then you can withstand anything that the world throws at us…

All right, the "you can" followed by the "at us", but the thoughts are a bit disjointed, anyway. You shouldn't get your hopes up because this increases your resistance to despair? Or the lack of expectations means you have less to lose?

It is less painful to deal with that way…

All right, perhaps I've overdone it a bit, particularly the commas before "and"s, but I'd even consider putting in one or two more.

 

[Sho Pi]

Just a quick run through.

Red is cut
Blue is add
Green is move to a different part in the sentence.

**********
Lily Riason never considered herself as to be a beautiful person or someone with any extraordinary skills that would define her in a special light, but (leave it, otherwise you effectively say but twice) as far as she was concerned, she was just plain and boring so why should she be special?

Lily would not have it any other way.

Though (If you start the sentence with though, you need to finish it with some sort of opposition, there isn't any in this sentence.) there were times, mostly when she was on her own, when the painful episodes of her life came to the forefront of her mind, haunting her until she had to do something or break something to get away from her past again. (there were times, already implies multiplicity)

The cruel words of her peers before she moved to Nairn – a beautiful coastal town in the Highlands of Scotland – would resound in her mind and she would want to cry, let out all the anger, hurt and frustration she had bottled up for years in the orphanage and then later when she had been living with her foster parents. (Infodump, take longer to tell all these things and spread them out)

Lily paused for a moment from where she was leaning over a paper; a pen poised in her hand, and wondered why she was thinking all of this now. Those were memories scattered in her dark past and she knew it would do her no good to dwell on them now after so long. She did not miss the orphanage in Elgin – a city located to the east of Nairn – and she was highly positive certain that no one missed her.

That all happened 5 years ago when she had escaped from her foster parents and moved to Nairn. The council had given her a beautiful, in her opinion, (either place this before a, or after flat) flat – it was a studio flat, built into the top floor of an old Victorian building, with wide windows and an open fireplace – and she had loved the privacy and, as an added bonus, it was only a short walk to the high school, Nairn Academy. When she had moved there, the council had signed her up in the school where she attended as a fifth year student as she had missed the end of that year due to being in hospital. (I think very few people will still be able to keep all this information structured in their heads. The sentences run on and you junping topics. It's all explanations and descriptions witout anything actually happening.)

Lily shook her head to remove those thoughts. She did not like that she was thinking on (It's: focused on or thinking of) the past. She had to keep her mind focussed in on the present if she was to get her essay finished.

She glanced down at it and frowned when she realised she had been writing her thoughts down on the page and , crumpled it up and threw it into the bin before getting a blank piece and trying again. Thoughts of school drifted back into her mind as she looked towards the reference book she had opened in front of her.

She had written a similar essay to this and she had received top marks for it back in school, but then she had received top marks in all her classes. Her Guidance teacher had even written her a very formal letter of recommendation and had posted it to a few of the more esteemed Universities in southern Scotland – mainly the Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Stirling areas.

Now here she was, attending the University of Edinburgh having received a letter of acceptance from them explaining that they were “highly interested in her work” and ; to say Lily was ecstatic would have been an understatement.

Therefore, with her letter placed back in the envelope and laying on the mantelpiece, Lily had packed the belongings she had accumulated over the 2 years she had lived there, which included her Bible – a huge tome dedicated to all history dating back to the beginning of time. (Do you actually mean the Bible, or are you talking figuratively, if so lose the capitol and explain that's what you mean a bit better) Lily loved history; it had been her favourite subject since she was a child. When she was younger, she had been fascinated with the explanations written in the tome and had always regarded it as her most treasured possessed ion. The best castoff her foster parents had ever given her.

She was doing it again.

Thinking back on her past was not good for her health. It would only lead her into that dark part of her mind, the part she had locked up in Elgin, when she left, and thrown away the key…or so she thought. (This is actually quite good.)

She shook her head, took a couple of deep breaths, and focussed her mind on her history essay, which was due for her class the next morning. She did not know why she had been thinking about her past, but as she looked down, she noticed she had begun writing her thoughts down again. Almost angrily, she crumpled up that bit of paper as well and pulled out another.

She stared at the reference book again until the words started looking to look like a jumbled mess and She sighed, turning as she turned to look out the window while twisting a tendril of black hair around her finger thoughtfully.

She had shared the flat with a young man – Jordan Williamson, a tall blonde haired, blue eyed student with a passion for music – she had met She had met him when she first started at the University, he had been wonderful to be around and easy to talk to.

It had not taken them long to form a relationship which had been steady, thankfully (before had). She had certainly liked him, maybe even loved him, but he had moved to Australia with his parents and after a month of correspondence, not to mention a hefty phone bill, she had broken it off because it just was not working for her.

However, there had also been the fact she did not have the documents available to her to get a citizenship, she still had the rest of the year to finish at University and the thought of moving to a different country made her head spin.

Lily sighed again, turned back to her work, and stared at the piece of paper once more.

Reality has never been as kind as some might want it to be. Not everything works out in the end and that is the sole reason why most people are so miserable. Hope is what drives us, but we should never get our hopes up because then you can withstand anything that the world throws at us… It is less painful to deal with that way…

It definitely gets better towards the end. You need to read up on what infodump is and learn to avoid it. It's very common for starting authors to do it because they want all the things they have thought out about a character or a place on paper as quickly as possible, but it makes a text unreadable. Also stop jamming subclauses in your sentences, if you have something new to say that is long and elaborate on its own, just start a new sentence.

If you keep this in mind you'll probably get better very quickly. These mistakes are very common; I certainly made them when I started to write.

 

[Myra]

All right, perhaps I've overdone it a bit, particularly the commas before "and"s, but I'd even consider putting in one or two more.

Hi Chrispy, thanks for going through this for me. It has been really helpful

 

[Myra]

It definitely gets better towards the end. You need to read up on what infodump is and learn to avoid it. It's very common for starting authors to do it because they want all the things they have thought out about a character or a place on paper as quickly as possible, but it makes a text unreadable. Also stop jamming subclauses in your sentences, if you have something new to say that is long and elaborate on its own, just start a new sentence.

If you keep this in mind you'll probably get better very quickly. These mistakes are very common; I certainly made them when I started to write.

Hi Sho Pi, thanks for this, I will make the changes you suggested and will read it back over to see if I can make it better.

 

[alchemist]

Hi Myra,
I'll skip the nitty gritty as others have had a go at that. Your fears about this start are well-founded. It reads more as a biography than a piece of fiction. There's just far too much information and too little happening. What information you've given could be dropped in over three chapters. Worse, I'm afraid, is that the questions it raises (essentially about her childhood) are quite ordinary and don't grab me.
The first paragraph also lets it down. It's all about ordinariness and dullness. It could be good if it ended in a hook e.g. "...but the others didn't think her ordinary, not when she haunted their dreams."
What would make it better is
a) action. Not guns blazing, but her doing something, going somewhere
b) conflict. What is she worried about? Is something important happening?
c ) this is a SFF story, I presume, so something out of the ordinary, a foreshadowing, a flashback, a flashforward
Please don't think this is all negative. You have a good, easy to read style and it's just a matter of practice

 

[Myra]

Hi Myra,
I'll skip the nitty gritty as others have had a go at that. Your fears about this start are well-founded. It reads more as a biography than a piece of fiction. There's just far too much information and too little happening. What information you've given could be dropped in over three chapters. Worse, I'm afraid, is that the questions it raises (essentially about her childhood) are quite ordinary and don't grab me.
The first paragraph also lets it down. It's all about ordinariness and dullness. It could be good if it ended in a hook e.g. "...but the others didn't think her ordinary, not when she haunted their dreams."
What would make it better is
a) action. Not guns blazing, but her doing something, going somewhere
b) conflict. What is she worried about? Is something important happening?
c ) this is a SFF story, I presume, so something out of the ordinary, a foreshadowing, a flashback, a flashforward
Please don't think this is all negative. You have a good, easy to read style and it's just a matter of practice

Hi alchemist, yeah I thought that myself...it's too much and I could probably break it down into three paragraphs if I put my mind to it. I could start with the middle part, it's all dialogue really and there is showing and a little action after it. It is an SFF story so maybe I should try and get all the first information into one chapter (i.e. bits about the characters etc.) and then start on the proper plot line?

Thanks for your help