Warren - I would have your first few pages top notch for agents - no risks because they might just put your work down and move on - that would be a great shame as I think you show skill in your writing.
However I can see what you were trying to acheive, a taster of action to come in the first page - that is still a very good idea.
Thanks, Bowler. It was more a taster of the action they'd missed.
Just out of interest, here is the beginning of the 3rd person version for comparing.
***
The sword sank halfway into the snow. Nolan rested his head against the rounded pommel and squeezed his eyes shut, breathing heavily. Warmth from the power crystal seeped into his fingers, a blessed relief from the frost in the air.
“Don’t leave me.” His eyes shot open, chasing away the vision of Jordie, the pleading look in his eyes, and the arrow protruding from his back.
A shadow fell over him, and a curved blade crossed his vision. He rolled to the side, the sword humming as he pulled it from the ground.
Sparks jumped out at him as the curved blade scraped down the length of his sword, and caught in the cross-guard, ripping the weapon from Nolan’s hand. The dark skinned man straightened, and brought his sword around again.
Nolan shut his eyes tight, expecting to die. He didn’t. Hands on his shoulders brought his eyes open, to focus on the man crouching before him.
Friend, he’s a friend, I know his name, I... I don’t remember.
'You know what the difference is between an armed soldier and an unarmed one?' the man said. 'The armed soldier is still alive.' He thrust the sword back into Nolan’s hands.
The deep call of the horn echoed through the pass. ‘Fall back. Fall back, to the wall!’
‘You heard the order,’ the man said, and dragged him to his feet.
‘No, he said not to leave him!’ Nolan said, and pulled free, turning for where Jordie lay.
The man caught up to him, and grabbed his arm again. ‘He’s dead, Nolan, you can do no more for him.’ He pulled on Nolan's arm, dragging him away.
*
