Zombie attack.

[anthorn]

This is the middle part of Chapter four. First appearence of Zombies since Chapter two. I am quite concious of this work as it is the first I have ever written in the real world.



Zombies appeared not long after leaving Matalan. They came as if a floodgate had been opened and swarmed toward them like a swell of bloody, rotting water. Abeke counted fifty, or maybe more, either way there were too many to fight. They ran to the bus, closed the doors and drove away. The monsters did not let up, banging and scratching the sides of the bus; snarling for food denied. Abeke looked at Lucy and Greg, both holding hands over their ears with eyes closed. The moans and growls followed them for miles.



More Zombies appeared on the road, their bodies bumping and crunching under the wheels. Blood made trails behind them. They left Consett behind, heading toward Lanchester past Tesco and a Primary School. The dead were everywhere, gutted and reduced to bone and ligament. The Zombies stood twitching, ignorant of the bus and everything else. Abeke spied one Zombie lying next to an upturned wheelchair and watched it trying to crawl. One eye was missing and the other dangled by a nerve. Poor *******, she thought.



“Anything on the radio?” she asked.



Michael shook his head. “Nothing.”


Abeke looked at her watch. “I don’t think we’ll get there in time,” she said.


“We’ll make it.”



A Zombie went crunch beneath the bus.


An inhuman howl followed and from the bush two Zombies in school uniform ran at the bus. Lucy screamed. Abeke grimaced as they latched onto the bus, plunging hands into the metal. Their heads were level with the windows. In a moment they had punched through the windows, the glass cutting their arms to shreds. Both Greg and Lucy threw themselves to the other side of the bus, panicked.


Abeke grabbed the mop and swung it down on their arms. CRACK. Their anger grew with each assault. Abeke swung harder, using all her bodyweight to maximum effect. CRACK. One of them drew their hand away and went flying, cracking its head on the pavement where it did not get up.



Michael twisted the wheel this way and that, forcing the coach to swerve across the road in an attempt to dislodge the unwelcome guest. Abeke grunted as she cracked her head on the window and bruised her side on the seat. The Zombie still held on and seemed to be grinning.

 

[Bowler1]

Zombies appeared not long after leaving Matalan. They came as if a floodgate had been opened and swarmed toward them like a swell of bloody, rotting water. Abeke counted fifty, or maybe more, either way there were too many to fight. They ran to the bus, closed the doors and drove away. The monsters did not let up, banging and scratching the sides of the bus; snarling for food denied. Abeke looked at Lucy and Greg, both holding hands over their ears with eyes closed. The moans and growls followed them for miles.
A bit more on getting the bus started, it felt too quick for me. Were the characters scared, out of breath – very little emotion shown.


More Zombies appeared on the road, their bodies bumping and crunching under the wheels. Blood made trails behind them (not them, from wheels of bus – reminds me of a song!). They left Consett behind, heading toward Lanchester past Tesco and a Primary School. The dead were everywhere, gutted and reduced to bone and ligament. The (some or similar, would work better as other zombies have already attacked the bus) Zombies stood twitching, ignorant of the bus and everything else. Abeke spied one Zombie lying next to an upturned wheelchair and watched it trying to crawl. One eye was missing and the other dangled by a nerve. Poor *******, she thought.



“Anything on the radio?” she asked.



Michael shook his head. “Nothing.”


Abeke looked at her watch. “I don’t think we’ll get there in time,” she said.


“We’ll make it.”



A Zombie went crunch beneath the bus.


An inhuman howl followed and from the bush (and) two Zombies in school uniform ran at the bus (careful with pace & plot here, if the bus was moving would they have had time to attack the bus?). Lucy screamed. Abeke grimaced as they latched onto the bus, plunging hands into the metal (no zombie before could do this so weakens plot). Their heads were level with the windows. In a moment they had punched through the windows, the glass cutting their arms to shreds. Both Greg and Lucy threw themselves to the other side of the bus, panicked.


Abeke grabbed the mop (mop?) and swung it down on their arms. CRACK. Their anger grew with each assault. Abeke swung harder, using all her bodyweight to maximum effect. CRACK. One of them drew their hand away and went flying, cracking its head on the pavement where it did not get up.
See above super strength, would a mop really do the job?



Michael twisted the wheel this way and that, forcing the coach to swerve across the road in an attempt to dislodge the unwelcome guest. Abeke grunted as she cracked her head on the window and bruised her side on the seat. The Zombie still held on and seemed to be grinning.

Anthorn, why have you been hiding in plain sight?

You have a few inconsistencies in the plot as you move forward and movement of the bus does not feel very real in some sections. The mop made me laugh, where did it come from – why have they not armed themselves with more – I would. Some zombies being super strong and others hardly moving is confusing in this section - I would recommend having zombies with similar strengths etc. Not much emotion from the characters fear/excitement/hate etc.

Add more character feelings to the above and for me it would be a cracker. I did enjoy the section. Have confidence, we’re here to help each other and I’d like to see more of what you have please.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Zombies appeared not long after leaving Matalan. They came as if a floodgate had been opened and swarmed toward them like a swell of bloody, rotting water. Abeke counted fifty, or maybe more, either way there were too many to fight. They ran to the bus, closed the doors and drove away. The monsters did not let up, banging and scratching the sides of the bus; snarling for food denied. Abeke looked at Lucy and Greg, both holding hands over their ears with eyes closed. The moans and growls followed them for miles.

Didn't like this first paragraph, Anthorn. Sorry. It's a bit rushed and lacking in detail - distanced. The first two sentences sound like the opening lines of a book, not something that would be midway through.

You could get into much, much more detail here. Have some drama about getting to the bus, maybe having to fight their way, or at least some characters panicking maybe - somehow make it an effort to get to the bus and drive away. Draw us into that bus ride, have the characters witnessing the zombies attacking the bus, and how the passengers react right there and then. Don't just glaze over it.

If you're an anime fan, check out "Highschool of the Dead". There is a mad dash for the bus scene in it, might give you some ideas.

More Zombies appeared on the road, their bodies bumping and crunching under the wheels. Blood made trails behind them. They left Consett behind, heading toward Lanchester past Tesco and a Primary School. The dead were everywhere, gutted and reduced to bone and ligament. The Zombies stood twitching, ignorant of the bus and everything else. Abeke spied one Zombie lying next to an upturned wheelchair and watched it trying to crawl. One eye was missing and the other dangled by a nerve. Poor *******, she thought.

Same goes for this paragraph, we are held back from really experiencing what is going on. The second half of the paragraph makes it sound like the bus has stopped.

“Anything on the radio?” she asked.



Michael shook his head. “Nothing.”


Abeke looked at her watch. “I don’t think we’ll get there in time,” she said.


“We’ll make it.”

This dialogue is good, but I'd like to see more of it, and fit in with what happened in the first two paragraphs. There is already enough potential here for about 1000 words with just the first two paragraphs.

A Zombie went crunch beneath the bus.

hmm.

An inhuman howl followed and from the bush two Zombies in school uniform ran at the bus. Lucy screamed. Abeke grimaced as they latched onto the bus, plunging hands into the metal. Their heads were level with the windows. In a moment they had punched through the windows, the glass cutting their arms to shreds. Both Greg and Lucy threw themselves to the other side of the bus, panicked.

Getting better here. Is the bus moving, or stopped? Would the zombies really be able to run at them from the bushes and catch a moving bus? Typically zombies aren't that co-ordinated, but then, you might be writing about intelligent zombies?

Abeke grabbed the mop and swung it down on their arms. CRACK. Their anger grew with each assault. Abeke swung harder, using all her bodyweight to maximum effect. CRACK. One of them drew their hand away and went flying, cracking its head on the pavement where it did not get up.


Michael twisted the wheel this way and that, forcing the coach to swerve across the road in an attempt to dislodge the unwelcome guest. Abeke grunted as she cracked her head on the window and bruised her side on the seat. The Zombie still held on and seemed to be grinning.

I want to see more of the above. But I'm not sure about the crack sound effect. Some of the action is a bit unrealistic and inconsistent with the fact that the bus is moving, but this is some of the detail the first half is missing. But we need a bit of depth here as well, get some of Abeke's thoughts across to us, and what exactly she is feeling. Also give us something of the other characters, their reactions, things they might say, even if it's just screaming and running for cover.

The bit in red is a head-hop into that of the zombies.

Sorry if I came across a bit tough, and hope my comments help.

 

[ali565]

Hi. I love stories with zombies in them and am really interested in this stuff. I think that this could be a really good story that I would certainly want to read, but unfortunately, the characters in this scene didn't seem very scared considering they were being attacked by a swarm of zombies. I think that all that is needed is a little bit more detail describing how the characters are feeling. Other than this, I think it has the potential to be a good story

 

[anthorn]

Thanks for the comments. I'll be posting a revised one soon.