The beginning of my story

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I liked the pace of the story and got a good sense of the main character from that short excerpt. Like the others, I'd say the piece is well-written.

I'm a bit confused though as to why Ma Tirrien has such a heavy accent compared to Mama and the narrator. I would assume they both lived in the same village since Mama's shop seems to be a small local business. If the two had not always lived in the village than this would actually be a good hint as to that fact.

I would've also liked to get a better sense of Mama. Most of what I learn about her is what the narrator projects onto her through her thoughts. If the narrator had not mentioned Mama was a skilled salesman or a sharp listener, those qualities would not have come to my mind as I read.
 
Thank you, Dante. All good points. And thank you for reading it. :)

More detail comes out later, about Mama and Ma Tirrien, but I will make sure it is explained more. They are from very different backgrounds, even though from the same area.
 
Loved it (as I expected). I think we probably have similar tastes in writing, just by looking at this and your 75 word challenge. I would definitely read this in a bookstore.

Things that jarred me a little:

I think there was a paragraph in the middle that had too much dialogue. I would tighten up the dialogue. People don't really tend to speak for a long time without pause, or without interjection from someone else. I know you mention the woman does ramble, but I think it can be illustrated with her going off on a tangent instead of a block of dialogue. The style of the dialect was good (and I smiled, because I have a couple of characters in mine that require I do a similar thing), but it became a little harder to read in the large stretches of dialogue than I would feel comfortable with over a novel. It forced me to slow down.

The skirts, which everyone else mentioned. I was also pausing at the ma/mama separations. It's always wise to make the names distinctive.

Other than that, I loved it. Love the shop (again, I have a family shop in mine, so I laughed - our stories are very different though. Clearly great minds think alike ;) ), loved the characterisation. Loved the business mind of the mother.

How far are you into the novel (assuming it is a novel and not a short story)? I think you've done brilliantly with this.
 
RcGrant - Thank you very much for your kind words and the very helpful comments. I'm glad you like the mother. :)

It is a novel. I've almost finished it, but I'm editing another novel of mine at the moment, so this is on hold for now.
 
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