Generic Query Letter

[Warren_Paul]

Hey everyone, thanks for the previous help critiquing the synopsis, and thanks The Judge for the links on writing query letters. I've put together a generic query letter using Emylynn's personality for the pitch. (main protagonist in my book).

I have mentioned the planned sequels since I read that in fantasy genres you should, yet feedback from agents was not to? Still a bit confused there.

I don't have any previous credits or qualifications relevant to the book that I can mention so decided just to concentrate on my inspiration for the book.

anyway, critiques would be appreciated.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear [Agent Name]

Emylynn had a plan. Her plan included running her father’s farm, raising her younger sister was also somewhere in there, but becoming a Seraphim Goddess? That was not part of her plan.

When the Emperor-son of Naeusomassu decides he would like the fledgling Seraph as his new concubine, Emylynn must rely on Brandt, a mysterious wizard who holds the secret to an artefact that just might save the world, or destroy it.

Being accused of witchcraft was not part of her plan either, but it appeared the King of Westland had better things to do with his time than defending his lands from the invading armies of the Emperor-son. Only the young acolyte Pace can keep her from being burned at the stake, while preventing the Emperor-son from claiming the artefact and unleashing his demon brethren on the world.

I am seeking representation for my epic fantasy novel, A Touch of Ice, complete at 157,000 words. As per guidelines, I am attaching a synopsis and sample chapters. I have begun work on the sequel, A House of Knives, and another free-standing novel set as a side story is in outline form.

I love urban fantasy lore, but I also love creating and reading about fictional worlds. As the first of a planned six books in my Legend of the Sunstone series, A Touch of Ice blends the two together to create the worlds of Westland and the Eastern Empires, where angels are worshiped as gods and demons rule as emperors.

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Warren Paul

 

[David B]

Have a look at the three paragraph format described in the attached link.

http://www.agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx

The hook needs to be strong, which is why they include so many examples.

Also, the third paragraph should say something about the writer.

 

[Warren_Paul]

hey David, ok so I'm taking it you didn't think:

Emylynn had a plan. Her plan included running her father’s farm, raising her younger sister was also somewhere in there, but becoming a Seraphim Goddess? That was not part of her plan.

was strong enough? That's cool, I'll try think of something better.

I do see on that link though that they say it should be one sentence? That's absolutely compulsory?

Also, the third paragraph should say something about the writer.

What if you don't have anything to say that's relevant?

 

[Warren_Paul]

Going off the advice in the link my letter would be something like this:

It just seemed easier to read breaking it down into more paragraphs...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear [Agent Name]

Emylynn had a plan. Her plan included running her father’s farm, raising her younger sister was also somewhere in there, but becoming a Seraphim Goddess? That was not part of her plan.

When the Emperor-son of Naeusomassu decides he would like the fledgling Seraph as his new concubine, Emylynn must rely on Brandt, a mysterious wizard who holds the secret to an artefact that just might save the world, or destroy it. Being accused of witchcraft was not part of Emylynn’s plan either, but it appeared the King of Westland had better things to do with his time than defending his lands from the invading armies of the Emperor-son. Only the young acolyte Pace can keep her from being burned at the stake, while preventing the Emperor-son from claiming the artefact and unleashing his demon brethren on the world.

I am seeking representation for my epic fantasy novel, A Touch of Ice, complete at 157,000 words. As per guidelines, I am including a synopsis and sample chapters. I have begun work on the sequel, A House of Knives, and another free-standing novel set as a side story is in outline form. I love urban fantasy lore, but I also love creating and reading about fictional worlds. As the first of a planned six books in my Legend of the Sunstone series, A Touch of Ice blends the two together to create the Kingdom of Westland and the Eastern Empires, where angels are worshiped as gods and demons rule as emperors.

Thank you for your consideration of my work. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Warren Paul


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

combined together it sounds a bit too wordy I think, might have to work on it a bit?

 

[Hex]

I don't know anything about query letters, so you may like to ignore this

Emylynn had a plan. Her plan included running her father’s farm, raising her younger sister was also somewhere in there, but becoming a Seraphim Goddess? That was not part of her plan.

I rather like this start -- I think something a little strange happens to the second sentence around about 'raising her younger sister...' Because of the 'included' I expected it to be a list: 'Her plan included running her father's farm, raising her younger sister and training to be a superhero.' so when you have 'was also somewhere in there' it made me go back and read again. Not a serious problem, but probably worth knowing.

How about something like this:

Emylynn had a plan. She was going to run her father's farm. Raising her younger sister was part of it too. But becoming a Seraphim Goddess? That wasn't part of her plan.

Or:

Emylynn had a plan. It included running her father's farm, raising her younger sister and living happily ever after. What it definitely didn't include was becoming a Seraphim Goddess.

When the Emperor-son of Naeusomassu decides he would like the fledgling Seraph as his new concubine, Emylynn must rely on Brandt, a mysterious wizard who holds the secret to an artefact that just might save the world, or destroy it.

The bit about the artefact is a bit long, and I'm not sure how it matters in terms of Emylynn's plan.

OK I have avoided my editing for long enough and I should go back to it (or to bed) but hope that helped a bit.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Emylynn had a plan. She was going to run her father's farm. Raising her younger sister was part of it too. But becoming a Seraphim Goddess? That wasn't part of her plan.

Thanks for the suggestion, its win.

I think I'll use it.

The bit about the artefact is a bit long, and I'm not sure how it matters in terms of Emylynn's plan.

Yeah, thinking about that, problem is the story doesn't revolve around just Emylynn, its about Nari trying to get the artefact too, as you can see by the synopsis. But yes, I've made the pitch about Emylynn so that's what I have to concentrate on.



Editing... Editing... I think I'm supposed to be doing some of that...


also a thought; 157k words. Am I dreaming if I can get a book that large published as a debut author? I believe I've heard its happened before, but not sure. I'm getting feedback elsewhere that I should get it down to 100k and make it standalone as my first published book?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Can you split it? Then you'd have a ready to go sequel

 

[Warren_Paul]

Can you split it? Then you'd have a ready to go sequel

The only spot I could seperate it at was once Kateryn leaves Windreach and Pace goes to join Emylynn in Kartall Valley. but that would make one book 57k words, the other 100k...

If I expanded on Kateryn's story a bit more maybe... but that would interfere with Pace's story.

oh why did I have to write such a complex book!

 

[Starchaser3000]

Only the young acolyte Pace can keep her from being burned at the stake, while preventing the Emperor-son from claiming the artifact and unleashing his demon brethren on the world.

I was sold on this part. Best of luck in getting this fantasy/fiction idea published.

 

[David B]

How about something along the following lines:

Emylynn’s plans ran to her father’s farm and raising her younger sister, becoming a Seraphim Goddess and saving the world from demons should have been someone else’s fate.

The wizard Brandt seeks shelter at Emylynn’s farm while hiding a stolen artefact that could open the gates of hell. Pursuing this thief, the demon Emperor’s son invades Emylynn’s homeland, sacking its borders. Forced to flee, Brant takes Emylynn to recover the artefact but they are betrayed. The ensuing magical conflict wakes Emylynn’s powers. She escapes Brandt’s defeat and stumbles into the defending army, where a young acolyte Pace saves her from being burnt as a witch. Exonerated, Emylynn and Pace infiltrate a demon-controlled city, while the army besieges it. To save her sister, Emylynn sacrifices herself and her chance of recovering the artefact. As the demon Emperor’s son escapes with the key to unlock hell, the Seraphim Goddess merges with Emylynn, resurrecting her and the hope of the land.

I seek representation for my epic fantasy novel, A Touch of Ice (complete at 157,000 words) the first of six books in my Legend of the Sunstone series. As per guidelines, I include a synopsis and sample chapters.

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

[Warren_Paul]

You cut out the thank you...

read on agentquery that its important to thank them.

all that extra stuff about my interest in urban fantasy and creating worlds should go too? Just needless fluff?

 

[David B]

You cut out the thank you...

read on agentquery that its important to thank them.

all that extra stuff about my interest in urban fantasy and creating worlds should go too? Just needless fluff?

I may be wrong on the thank you.

 

[Warren_Paul]

I may be wrong on the thank you.

Over on AgentQuery Connect they are saying the other way around, drop the "look forward to hearing from you" and thank them for the time they took to read the query. They are also freaking out about the word count



Okay, new version. How does this sound?

Yay, story in a few sentences, I'm getting better at simplifying

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear [Agent Name]

Emylynn had a plan. Her plan was to run her father’s farm, raising her younger sister was also somewhere in that plan, but becoming a Seraphim Goddess? That was not part of her plan.

Having to save the world from demons was not part of Emylynn’s plan either, but when the wizard, Brandt, steals a vital piece of the Tablet of Ages from the Emperor of Naeusomassu, the wizard flees into the neighbouring Kingdom of Westland seeking shelter with Emylynn. Now she must use her fledgling powers to protect home, family and wizard against the invading armies of the Emperor, before he recovers the tablet and unleashes his demon brethren on the world.

I am seeking representation for my epic fantasy novel, A Touch of Ice. Complete at 157,000 words; it is the first of a potential six books in my Legend of the Sunstone series. As per guidelines, I am including a synopsis and sample chapters. Thank you for the time you have taken to consider my work.

Sincerely,
Warren Paul

 

[Warren_Paul]

Some feedback that I've got suggested its not long enough, and that the hook is not catchy enough? I was surprised to hear that, I liked my hook

 

[Warren_Paul]

So... I've completely redone it, sorry Hex, dropped the starting you liked.

New hook, hoping its stronger, is it?

Expanded the mini-synopsis.

I had the idea to put this as my hook:

Ice flows through my veins, storm and ocean heed my call. I am Seraphim, and I was murdered by my own brother.

But I just couldn't make it work, not to mention that my book is written in 3rd, not 1st person.

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear [Agent Name]

Emylynn’s fate was decided the day she was born, when she was chosen by Gaia to be the vessel of the reincarnated Seraphim Goddess, Hydrae. But to be her vessel Emylynn has to die.

Horrified that the Emperor of Naeusomassu plans to reforge the Tablet of Ages and unleash his demon brethren on the world, the wizard, Brandt, flees with a vital piece of the artefact, seeking shelter with Emylynn. Furious with the traitor, the Emperor’s son, Nari, invades the neighbouring Kingdom of Westland, pursing Brandt with the full might of the empire behind him. When their hiding place is betrayed and Nari recovers the artefact, Brandt lays down his life to protect Emylynn. But when her sister is taken hostage by Nari, Emylynn is forced to confront her destined fate. She draws on all her seraphim powers to save both sister and her home from the invading army and, if possible, stop the tablet from being reforged.

I am seeking representation for my epic fantasy novel, A Touch of Ice. Complete at 157,000 words; it is the first of a potential six books in my Legend of the Sunstone series. As per guidelines, I am attaching a synopsis and sample chapters. Thank you for taking the time to consider my novel.

Sincerely,
Warren Paul

 

[The Judge]

Over on AgentQuery Connect they are saying the other way around, drop the "look forward to hearing from you" and thank them for the time they took to read the query.

Both sentences are just polite padding -- no agent is going to refuse to represent you because you've been polite in that way, provided everything else is fine. Choose the one which feels more "you" and stop obsessing!

They are also freaking out about the word count

Are they a SFF site? If not, ignore everything they say about the book, word count and sequels. SFF is different from the mainstream. 157k is long but not excessively so. If you could trim it to say, 145k, it might make it a bit easier, but the quality of the writing is the most important thing.


I'm no good with synopses so I won't contribute to that part, but as I mentioned before a UK agent isn't likely to want a query letter in this form -- the plot should be no more than a couple of lines, otherwise you are simply repeating the synopsis which you say you are enclosing anyway (as I understand it, the US query letter is one which is sent on spec without the synopsis, but I may be well adrift there). But for both US and UK agents, and I imagine for Australian and NZ, I think its unwise to launch straight into the plot in your opening paragraph. It may be just me, but to my taste it's like punching someone in the face.

I'd have your opening para as the "I am seeking representation..." bit, (again polite filler, of course, because otherwise why would you be writing?! but you need some opening unless you go for an abrupt "Please find enclosed") then details of the book, name, word count, genre and sequel. Then a para about the book eg "A Touch of Ice is the story of Emylynn who..." and you make that as catchy and hooky as possible. For me the versions in your opening paras aren't cutting it yet.

If you have relevant knowledge/qualifications which helped in writing the book (eg as soldier you are able to write battle scenes from personal experience), or if the trigger for writing it came out of something interesting (eg seeing a murderer escape from a courtroom) then mention it -- a big consideration is publicity and a hook on which to hang that publicity. If you had publishing credits put them in. Otherwise, no, leave out fluff about how you love writing etc. They've heard it all before and won't be interested in that.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Thanks Judge, got directed to agencyquery, which is clearly a US publishing site. and does things differently than in the UK.

I'm starting to wonder if my query letter for UK agents will end up being like 4 lines, I have very little to say other than the plot of the book...

"Hi, I'm looking for representation, here is my hook, thanks."

No publishing credits or relevant qualifications to mention, (unless being a hospitality graduate/bartender counts? ... somehow I doubt it. )




After looking into agents in NZ and not finding any who even looked like potential I won't be even trying for a NZ agent. There is one possibility I'm considering in Australia, but it seems like my MS will be going straight to the UK and US to start with.

 

[The Judge]

A 4-line query letter is likely to be looked on with favour when an agent has spent hours wading through dozens of over-verbose recapitualtions of uninspiring plots! Make those 4 lines really good ones with a cracking hook and you're set.

Hmmm. A bartender... "I've no publishing credits, but I have got half a lifetime's experience of listening to drunks tell their life stories, one of which gave me the beginning of A Touch of Ice..." Whaddya think?

 

[Warren_Paul]

A 4-line query letter is likely to be looked on with favour when an agent has spent hours wading through dozens of over-verbose recapitualtions of uninspiring plots! Make those 4 lines really good ones with a cracking hook and you're set.

Hmmm. A bartender... "I've no publishing credits, but I have got half a lifetime's experience of listening to drunks tell their life stories, one of which gave me the beginning of A Touch of Ice..." Whaddya think?

If only it was true But then, they don't know its not

 

[mosaix]

Have a look at the three paragraph format described in the attached link.

http://www.agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx

The hook needs to be strong, which is why they include so many examples.

Also, the third paragraph should say something about the writer.

Thanks David, excellent link.