Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!

[Raz2k13]

I did figure that was the case, and didn't forget about the 'drab world' line. But it wasn't enough for me. I would've loved more hints that their world was colourless and grey. Also the line 'Colors that didn’t even exist in her dreams were swimming right in front of her' I took to mean the mushrooms were just an other worldly colour that didn't say anything about her world.

I can see where it would come off from just being magical mushrooms and not having to do with their world. It's hard to see in the moment because as the writer, I know what what I see in my head. As the reader who relies on context clues and forms conclusions off of those, I did not have enough.

 

[VRlass]

I generally like hard sci-fi but here it didn’t work for me…

Both men were politely avoiding the disassembled person distributed through the ConGel tank, staring at the art instead

I’m my mind:
“OK VR its one line you can do this…
There are men…
men are avoiding person… - is it allso a man?
this person is disassembled…
the disassembled he/she/them is distributed through the ConGel tank…
the disassembled he/she/them that is distributed through the ConGel tank is staring at the art instead…
Wait, what…?”
Originally i stopped reading after that line…
seriously i would turn this into four lines i think…

Voskul was really watching their reflection, trying to peer through the man’s form to what might be inside.

Second read full of hope:
Which man - the unnamed one (is assembler a man? later on he/it has many hands so i have serious doubts)? Or the disassembled one?

But I’ll need an Eye with twelve nano resolution to get everything out of this Key.”

I went back to check if there is anything that could be used as a key (that i understand), but no what i can think of, and i riddled it around is that the disassembled person is a key, but its not hinted anywhere, and if it is a mystery to be explained later on it IMHO it is not properly hinted.
You could add something like “…get everything out of this Key.” Said Fred pointing at something Voskul couldn’t see
By now I feel this is a overriddled hard-scify—not in a mood for this - stop reading second time

Voskul had left the expert seated in front of the painting.

THIRD TIME!!
”Wait… the unnamed/assembler guy? Why going this wordy and not just give this guy a name?“
Stopped reading for the final time…
Sorry…

Now the cameras showed that he hadn’t moved

Who didn’t move?
Voskul, unnamed, or dismantled (this seems obvious), Assembler?

And than suddenly it become a normal easy to read story…
IMHO it is actually a cool story that is a victim to wordlimit.
Do not overcomplicate sentencies, hint your mysteries properly and should be good (at least as long as I am concerned)

 

[THX1138]

@THX1138 I preferred the version from the challenge, it had a better sense of discovery about the mushroom mountain parasites. Here it's casually revealed and you seem to focus on the mechanics of treating them, which is much less interesting to me. Both have a rather flat story arc. Other than that you're doing a bit of the classic "tell not showing" mistake:
'Dave gave a concerning shrug' (concerned?)
'“I can’t do this!” she nervously explained.'
It's usually best to demonstrate their emotions via actions or speech, rather than telling us what they are.

I see what you mean. It's like saying;
"Watch me jump up and down!" he said as he jumped up and down.

 

[VRlass]

Hopefully the next one I can take what everyone is telling me and apply it to make a better story!

When it comes to my “accusations” imagine that on the other side of the story you are writing there’s gonna be a reader like me as is first read you. And that dude is gonna read your story the worst possible way or simply the other than you planned. I think it‘s never gonna be impossible to stop him but let’s try to make him work really hard for it ok?
There is a cool story…
…just grab my hand and led me to it

 

[THX1138]

I liked your entry but for me it’s about economy of words which left you little space to get more story in there. See below:

“Do you know what they are?” Sue asked, her flashlight shone on the large cropping of surreal glowing giant mushrooms before them. - Christine has nailed this

Dave set his pack down and rubbed his chin. - what does the action add? Is he puzzled or worried, or just itchy? Unless it tells us something specific and important you’re down 9 words

Sue was speechless - we know this because she doesn’t speak, that’s another 4 words

as she watched - personal pet hate is filter words - this one (watched) isn’t needed, imho

several more iridescent patches of light appear in the darkness - which means the paragraph could have been boiled down to just this, saving another 6 words

Dave started gathering supplies from the pack. “They’re called Twilight Paint Palettes, and unless we stop them before sunrise, they’ll cave in the mountain side and cause an avalanche.” - this is good. Quick clean info to set the stakes

“An avalanche? That’ll destroy the town down below!”

Dave gave a concerning shrug, “Most likely. So, we need to move fast.” - this though feels unnecessary. A shrug doesn’t feel concerned, but actually the opposite. And the reader now knows the stakes and should have made the jump to this being urgent (trust your reader) - 13 more words killed and were at over 30 now!

He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” - feels a bit like mansplaining which some won’t like

He advanced towards the parasite before them. “Dip a skewer into the bottle and then insert it down through the mass and quickly move on to the next one.”

Its vibrant colors faded as the colony melted. Sue moved away just as the ground surrounding it caved in. - any ominous warning signs? That can keep the reader immersed rather than being told something had just happened

“I can’t do this!” she nervously explained. - the ! Indicates her nerves, and she is explaining, so I don’t think the descriptor is needed.

“Yes, you can Susan! Just stay calm and move quickly. And don’t fall into any of the sinkholes, the poison needs sunlight to neutralize it.”

Remembering her family and friends in the town down below, - good, we like an emotional connection. This could have been made more of maybe? In the flash pieces you need to develop any emotional connection quickly - this does that

Sue took a deep breath and exhaled. “OK, let’s go.”

Throughout the night, they worked together while crisscrossing up the mountainside, smothering every glowing outcrop they encountered. And when sunrise came the town below stirred to life, unaware of the battle that occurred above them in their sleep.

“You have a knack for this, Sue. Let’s head down and get some breakfast, I hear the mushroom omelets are…”

“No Dave! I never want to see another mushroom again, thanks!” - I quite liked the humourous ending. Made me smile.

Thanks Jo! I see what you mean. Great advise and helpful pointers too!
As for this part-He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” - feels a bit like mansplaining which some won’t like- I understand what your saying and I see how it is coming across. Not my intent at all, but after rereading it, I totally agree with you!

 

[VRlass]

@JS Wiig I really liked your story. I allmost voted for it and had a real internal struggle to shortlist it. And you might be annoyed with what annoyed me but… Sorry
For me there are 2 most important parts of a story: Opening and ending.
Where I am from we say the first line is you‘r text’s first impression. It should be strong and concise.
Your opening:

“This better be one important plant,” freelance captain Spak Jarrow grumbled as he hacked away at tangled vines and thick underbrush. The whole job had been a disaster since they entered orbit around this godforsaken moon, from the failure of the ship’s water condenser to the impossible mess his lander was hopelessly snagged in.

IMHO if you make long sentences - it is like telling reader to run with its content of the sentence till the end.
First sentence bit longish… but well structured… you are helping me but it’s in handy a bit
Second line is very long… i would split in 2.
You didn’t hook me here.
Than:
Everything was going well, i had a sense of direction and heading somewhere. Cool… Cool, Cool Cool…
And there was the ending.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against open endings, that leaves you with questions about what you just read. I have issue with endings that point to next chapter. Maby I am blind but nowhere you told anything about “the father”, and now he suddenly pops up in the resolution of the story.
And wait a minute is it a resolution of the story? If this is resolution (not culmination) than what is it about? The ending is most often used to highlight the meaning of the story.
I see in here no proper opening or ending…
Just a really nicely done middle part…
And funny thing is I always thought the middles are the hardest
Do the same thing you did here, get a strong opening, and meaning defining ending and you get yourself some really tasty story i think

 

[VRlass]

Ok all answered, now i can add mine, and you can flog:
But before that…
I want to invite you to play a game. In this story there is another story hidden. Finding the second, creates a third, that is happening within reader (I HOPE ).
If you wanna play:

Spoiler: Brief introduction

I might have overdone it, and please don’t take it as showing off—I wanted to experiment with something new (heh, like the title), and I am not sure it worked well… Tell me if it works for you plz (and don’t try it with children at any age—i don’t guarantee the effect ) Now as I see how had it is to read standard unweirded 300 i think i am not gonna do this again
At first I wanted to create a happy story of family of mushrooms. Than I realised i can’t write anything valuable in 300 words… But I could capture one scene with huge impact...
And suddenly I saw those mushrooms as gloving graves. The final scene just popped up. When I wrote first draft it was absolutely devastating. I got a bit afraid of your family friendly policy (and i kinda don’t want readers to suffer), so i put a light only on one of the actors and by ambiguity i tried to create 2 stories in one. One sad story that an adult would read, and one that a child would read, in which I hid hope…

Spoiler: Hint 1

Children tend to look at parents with trust and faith and a lot of creativity

Spoiler: Hint 2

I didn’t tell anything about how mother looks and what is she laying on

Spoiler: Answer: Second story missing ending

Four months later a transport ship cruising on the route received distress call. Upon arrival the crew retrieved four intact stasis pods containing five sleepers. The family of pioneers received a generous amount of money from the insurance company, and started a new life in a better equipped, shinier vessel.

Spoiler: Answer: meaning of third story

How hard it is sometimes to find hope

Something new

“Mommy, I am cold”

“It will go away Tommy, it will go away”

Tommy looked around the remains of the hydroponics station.

“Mummy, why are we here?”

“Because this is where we sleep, honey… This is the place”

“But it’s scary here, can’t we go somewhere else?”

“No honey… We cannot… I cannot… But hey, I am still here. I am right here for you honey. Please don’t be afraid. Please… Here, eat those berries they will help you sleep.”

Tommy takes berries from his mother’s hand and put them in his mouth.

“Mum, thy are bitter, I don’t like them.”

“It’s ok Tommy. Some things in life are bitter. Sometimes we don’t like them.”

“Mummy, why are you crying”

“It’s… it’s nothing… I just don’t want to fall asleep before you.”

“Mummy I am bored, could I wake up dad, Jerry, or Anna.”

“No honey, they won’t wake up. Please try to sleep.”

“Could I watch something?”

“No… the power is down in most of the vessel.”

“But what if we sleep and the monsters, that killed all the plants, come?”

“They are gone, honey… They won’t come…”

Tommy touches his mother, but freezes as sudden bad feelings strike him.

“Mummy, but you are cold. Why are you cold?”

“I am just very tired Tommy. That’s all. I really need to sleep, but I don’t want to… before you. I can’t… I mustn’t…”

There is a moment of silence.

“Mummy?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Will I sleep for long?”

“As long as you wish honey… As you wish.”

There is another moment of silence and Tommy starts crying… “Mummy, are we dying? Is it the end?”

“No honey, this isn’t the end. It is just the beginning. The beginning of something new and beautiful. Just as you fall asleep….”

 

[THX1138]

@THX1138 I liked the premise. And I like that you established a clear conflict with stakes, and resolved it within 300 words. But the story fell flat for me. I will try and outline why I think it didn't work for me.

As Jo pointed out, the set up was inefficient. It took you 113 words to establish that parasite mushrooms must be killed in order to save a town. But within this set up I didn't get a real sense of character, nor did the stakes seem that important/personal.

Later you had the MC remember her friends and family. Upping the stakes and making it personal is the right idea, but I would've preferred something stronger. Having everyone die if they fail seems like it should be the highest and most emotional stakes possible, but often I will care a lot more if it is something smaller and more personal, like the avalanche would kill all the wildflowers in her backyard, or maybe she would miss out on a hot date she really wanted to go on.

My biggest critique is that the way the conflict was resolved seemed uninteresting. It's very hard to make a straightforward happy ending work in 300 words. I think because the emotional connection is usually not there.

I felt it was too easy/simple for the MC. The lines about the 'battle' that occured, or the MC 'never wanting to see another mushroom' felt unearned. The way the MC defeated the mushrooms was very simple and straight-forward. She just copied what the other guy did, anyone could've done it, there was no flash of brilliance, leap of faith, heroic sacrifice, no all-is-lost moment etc. Or, like Christine mentioned, no final twist that would help make the ending a little more meaningful.

Thank you very much!
A few days ago, I was reaching about the 'story arc' on a number of writing sites. I thought I knew what it was but between what I reached and your review, more needs to be done!
You're saying much the same that I received from my 100 critiques; 'It's a good story idea, now make it into one.' And if I'm correct, start from the middle of the story (conflict/question) and work towards the end (resolution). Looks more like I took the 'from start to finish' approach, in 300 words...

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thank you very much!
A few days ago, I was reaching about the 'story arc' on a number of writing sites. I thought I knew what it was but between what I reached and your review, more needs to be done!
You're saying much the same that I received from my 100 critiques; 'It's a good story idea, now make it into one.' And if I'm correct, start from the middle of the story (conflict/question) and work towards the end (resolution). Looks more like I took the 'from start to finish' approach, in 300 words...

I start at the beginning and work straight to the end… play with processes. Find your own. Don’t be led by what you read, but by what you do. And then, slowly, slowly, how you tell a story emerges - and it’s your voice

 

[JS Wiig]

@VRlass your story was definitely very impactful. As a father it definitely was a bit unpleasant, not necessarily in a bad way, but in a don’t-want-to-think-about-that kind of way. The only thing I could say is that the back and forth started to feel a bit repetitive. Perhaps a bit of description or world building could be interspersed to help break it up a bit.

Hope this helps and thanks for sharing!

 

[VRlass]

@JS Wiig the spoil should cheer you up ;P

 

[THX1138]

I start at the beginning and work straight to the end… play with processes. Find your own. Don’t be led by what you read, but by what you do. And then, slowly, slowly, how you tell a story emerges - and it’s your voice

That make more sense!
Easier too I would think.

 

[THX1138]

THX1138

Some good points made already. Getting your 'tenses' right isn't easy, and keeping in the correct 'tense' even harder, but it's vital to the flow and understanding of your story.

I would say that the best of your 2 'versions' is a combination of the two; but you need to decide what kind of story you're going to tell. Is it scary, exciting, funny etc? It doesn't have to have a twist at the end, but that is a writing device that can help, especially in a short story format.

You can also shorten some of your sentences, not only freeing up vital words, but perhaps giving them more impact.

“Do you know what they are?” Sue asked, her flashlight shone on the large cropping of surreal glowing giant mushrooms before them.

Dave set his pack down and rubbed his chin. “It’s a parasite, Sue. And it looks like there are more appearing further up the mountain.”

Could be

"Dave, what are they?"

Dave sat his pack down at the side of the giant, glowing mushrooms. "They're parasites, Sue. And look - there're more of them growing further up the mountain."

Saving you 15-20 words, and still getting across the same meaning.



He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” He advanced towards the parasite before them. “Dip a skewer into the bottle and then insert it down through the mass and quickly move on to the next one.”

Now this is a great example of where you could have made things a bit different. What if, instead of bamboo skewers, they had to push metal straws into the mushrooms and suck out their 'brains' or something similar? This would have made your story more unusual/memorable, and would make more sense as to why they wouldn't want to eat mushrooms again!

You could even go one further, and have the twist being that - after saving the town - they are described as descending with the same luminescence growing off them?

For some great ideas of introducing twists and oddities to your stories, I would very much recommend watching some episodes of The Twilight Zone (particularly the original b&w ones) and also Rohald Dahl's 'Tales of the Unexpected'.

It's also worth entering the 100 word challenge, as there you can try several styles of entry and see how they work out.

Good luck with your future stories.

Yea, I need to work on my grammar, and I also started to keep a thesaurus on hand too. (hard copy and on-line).
I also had the same thought about a blend of the two stories.
Another thing I am noticing writing these 75, 100 and 300 shorts is that, like in chess - If you have a good move, find a better one. - applies here too i.e. If I write a good phrase/story, write a better, one.
And work on word mastery so I can keep the count down, while stating the same thing.

I grew up watching the Twilight Zone and the likes. (Stroking my chin because I shaved off the gray beard )
I'll have to re-rewatch them again, only more closely.

Thanks again!

 

[Swank]

I am glad I wasn't the only one thoroughly confused by this story. I tried, it sounded very intriguing and i wanted to understand it. But after reading it through twice I was left hopelessly lost. Even reading it for a third and fourth time now, i'm still confused. Can you please explain it for me @Swank

@Christine Wheelwright @paranoid marvin @therapist @VRlass - thank you for your confusion. I assume the prose was okey-dokey enough.

To (unfortunately) explain what you read, there are four characters: The Assembler, Voskul, the disassembled Artema Glaspol and the million year old unnamed alien entity of the Hejemi race. The Hejemi have incredible powers, and studied Artema by slowly taking her apart down to the subcellular level while preserving her life when her solo ship came near one. Artema would have experienced a lot of this. People are apparently interestingly complex enough to make powerful entities deeply curious. The Assembler had a similar experience long ago.

The story opens with the Assembler (a post human) and Voskul (Artema's guardian) looking at the image of a painting of mushroom forest. The Assembler comments that it looks like AI art from the 21st century, which he remembers and is why he talks as he does. The painting is on a screen, and Voskul is using the surface of the screen to look at the reflection of the Assembler surreptitiously. Behind them is a tank full of a special gel with Artema's remains suspended in them. The Assembler asks for an electronic microscope (Eye) so he can read all of the information that is encoded in the painting about Artema's biology and soul (the Key).

Voskul leaves the lab to watch the Assembler work by watching security cameras. He witnesses the Assembler has become multiple entities, even though his human aspect is still sitting where he left him in front of the Key painting. Voskul is both curious and afraid of the no longer completely human who he has hired on Artema's behalf.

Meanwhile, the Assembler considers his abilities and reflects on the facts of his patient. She is named in full because that is one of the things he has found out about her.

Artema lives again, but is now an entity much like the Assembler: Immortal, able to do things people cannot understand and the recipient of incredible suffering to get there. Voskul is terrified that she will "bless" him with what the Hejemi and the Assembler did to her, so he runs.

There were perhaps too many things that were seemingly important to the story (everything beginning with a capital letter), so , Assembler, ConGel tank, Eye, Key, and Hejemi .

These words are capitalized because they are proper nouns. Assembler is a name/honorific (Doctor), ConGel and Eye are brand name scientific devices, and Key as in THE Key.

 

[THX1138]

Hey guys I am just gonna go with @THX1138 and than yours ok?
@THX1138 I am just gonna write what didn’t work for me —doesnt mean it scale to others (the Mario thing probably doesn’t)
And if anyone feels i am being too brutal (new guy here +the place I am from we criticise each other ‘mad max’ style) feel free to rapport and cut but please tell me ok?
there was a really cool pace of your story and it has nice Indiana Jones adventure vibes but here and there i was feeling screech that was crushing my immersion
generally interesting adventure story but i think i read different story than the one you were writing

I 2x Christine Wheelwright. I was trying to understand what happened and I just couldn’t and didn’t know why…

Its kinda unnecessary to ad this Sue

I will probably make mistake in here (not native English) but i would go with:
“And it looks like there is more further up the mountain.”
“And it looks like they are appearing further up the mountain.”
“And, look…! More appearing further up the mountain!”
Anyway with all this overwordyness in my mind right now i have image of the type of a guy who explains to his lovely assistant the nature and origin of the monster that is about to eat them.

I am not sure what image would I have in my mind.
“Sue watched as more, and more iridescent patches of light appear in the darkness.”
“Sue watched several more iridescent patches of light in the darkness.”

In here in my mind Dave is a professor and I am bit disturbed why do you call him ‘Dave’ and not Prof. livingstone or some other sciency surname?
Anyway I am getting the feeling that Sue is in here only so that you can infodump.
And you shouldn’t treat a lady like this. <shameBell!>

I am not feeling this struggle. what I feel is:
The life of whole village depends on it.
”I can’t”
“You can”
“Ok”
…

?


I am not sure if anyone relates (its probably just me but I NEED TO WRITE THIS) but in here i thought you meant this:

And in my head i have 2 people mushroom stumping on something poisonous in the cave the whole night to the sound of this music (some epic Mario vibes here ).
Totally different than what you explained before, and only now—as i was writing this— i realised you were talking about something different…
Sorry, my bad…

Buuut… they were doing something of mortal danger. The stake was more than their life and they didn’t think of asking For help? in 300 people they would do it much faster, and apart from this, just in case they fail they didn’t think of alarming the people of the danger/ evacuating the people?
maby the risk wasn’t so high… but than theor endeavour isn’t that heroic.
Maby they were high up in the mountains and it would take them day to go down - no information
Anyway, I had fun (even more than you intended i guess … ) But I would recommend you to work on one thing.
C.S. Lewis wrote once that readers are like sheep. If you leave a door open, they will go there. IMHO you could work on description precision. I was getting lost few times because of this.

Thanks! And 'brutal' comes with asking for a critique, so no apologies needed. Just your honest opinion, and you gave it!
The idea for this story comes from the Japanese anima called "Mushishi". You can watch parts of it on YouTube.
Dave is a friend of Sue. He is a collector and exterminator of Plane Shifters aka mushi's. (I should have mentioned that in the story! )

As for Sue, I understand and that was not intended at all. Some of the wording came from anima style dialog and to my own fault, I did not reword it! So saying-'Pay attention and watch what I'm doing.' - has the same meaning to everyone you talk to in Japan, both men and women; 'I'm talking now.'
BUT! I forgot that too! Something more like; 'Sue, we can do this together. I'll show you how.' would have better for sure.
The pace of the story was off. Slow-Fast-Slow. It made sense in my head. But like you and others said, it was a little confusing.

I like your idea of giving it an Indiana Jones twist! I believe some of the others felt it could use a more adventures feel also.

Thanks for your input! It helped me a lot.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi JS Wiig. I suspect a larger issue was the Extract of a Larger Piece Syndrome that so often plagues me in these challenges.

I think that this is it, in a nutshell. It doesn't matter on your inventiveness or skill as a writer (both are which you have demonstrated are fine), if your entry doesn't have some kind of conclusion, then it will feel incomplete and not a 'story'. I don't think that there is any problem in having a scene set within what appears to be a larger story arc, but I feel that it has to be 'a story within a story', something I think that you have accomplished in other recent entries to the Challenges (I really liked your last 75 word Challenge entry).

This one though definitely felt incomplete, it needed some kind of closure. Just as an example you could have had, when 'Laren swallowed from her canteen', and revealed to Spak her intentions, that in actual fact he's been employed by 'those idiot weapons engineers' and that actually it wasn't water that she'd been drinking from her canteen. Whether he's drugged her to be kidnapped, or poisoned her to be permanently silenced, it brings a kind of twist, or at least an ending of sorts. Not as nice and friendly an ending as you intended, but I'm sure that there are other resolutions better than this you could come up with.

 

[THX1138]

@Christine Wheelwright @Swank @Stable @Jo Zebedee @therapist @VRlass @paranoid marvin
I want to thank all of you for taking the time to critique my story! It was much of the same points as I received from my 100-word critiques from the last challenge. (I submitted to the 300-word challenge and 100-word critique at the same time. Live and learn! )
Thanks again everyone!

 

[VRlass]

He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch what I do and pay attention to my instructions.” He advanced towards the parasite before them. “Dip a skewer into the bottle and then insert it down through the mass and quickly move on to the next one.”

Forgot about this one… I’d:
“He handed her and small bottle and several bamboo skewers. “Watch me,” he said as he advanced towards one. He dipped a skewer into the bottle and then punctured a parasite with it it. “And now, to the next one.” He smiled and the radiance of his teeth gave her the confidence she needed.
stil not perfect but you get the idea—les words, same affect, you sometimes het a lighter story and more room to play with (but please be careful in reducing-allways check if sense stays the same)

The idea for this story comes from the Japanese anima called "Mushishi". You can watch parts of it on YouTube.

I dropped of in the middle of first season. The form is mesmerising, but don’t rly see a content there.

Dave is a friend of Sue. He is a collector and exterminator of Plane Shifters aka mushi's. (I should have mentioned that in the story! )

Yes

As for Sue, I understand and that was not intended at all. Some of the wording came from anima style dialog and to my own fault, I did not reword it! So saying-'Pay attention and watch what I'm doing.' - has the same meaning to everyone you talk to in Japan, both men and women; 'I'm talking now.'
BUT! I forgot that too! Something more like; 'Sue, we can do this together. I'll show you how.' would have better for sure.

Nope, its not a problem. The problem is she doesn’t seem like real person, but more like object for info dumping.
What do I know about her apart from the fact she is emotionally unstable and doesn’t know with is happening?
You could use a doll instead and that would add mental instability angle to Dave.

I like your idea of giving it an Indiana Jones twist! I believe some of the others felt it could use a more adventures feel also.

Nope, this is your story. You can go Indiana Jones, you can go doctor livingstone, you can go Mario, or can go mental instability…
I just pointed out only ways you could deepen this story, but it is your story - you can make totally different spin to it.
You have it in you—you dont need to pay attention to my instructions—for they are not instructions but hints after all.

Thanks for your input! It helped me a lot.

I am glad. I love pretending i know how to do stuff and telling people how to do it.
(;P)

 

[therapist]

@JS Wiig
I like the set up. It is a cool image with the dying terra 3 looming overhead, and survivors dealing with a fallout sickness. The main problem I had with it is the ending. It just didn't feel conclusive or satisfying to me. Maybe because the change between looking for a cure and looking for something to relieve symptoms is too subtle a change to feel conclusive or satisfying. I get that that should be quite a big difference, but from my perspective it just didn't feel like it.

I think it would've worked better to set the story up to end with the reveal that Laren wasn't looking for the cure but for a poison to kill the weapons engineers (and Spak gets on board). This works perfectly with your beginning, when Laren says 'yes, it's very important.' But when you backtracked from that idea to a symptom reliever, it felt like a lesser ending. I think your ending would work much better in a larger story when we are more invested in the characters.

Another point. This could just be me (and i'm curious if it is), but I really disliked the name Captain Spak Jarrow. This set the tone of a comical story, which yours was clearly not.

 

[therapist]

@VRlass I don't have much to say about yours, I can't find any solid critiques. I think it's solid, impactful, and seems to work the way you intended (But I didn't get any sense of layered/hidden stories here, just a mother euthanising her son on a dying ship). I am very unsure on what you could add to improve it, maybe changing some of the more repetitive dialogue lines to outline more backstory at what happened, or make the ending even more bleak?