At least the narrator wan't called Bodie, and the shape outside wasn't wearing some sort of cowl....
Improving our 300 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST!
- Thread starter The Judge
- Start date
I liked yours a lot, mosaix, and shortlisted it. If truth be told, it was in my top 4 (sorry!). The new version does clear that issue up (why is he there if he's so unstable?). I'd noticed it but didn't pay any heed as I classified it as humourous rather than hard sci-fi.
Still think it's pretty clear he's losing it and not a lot of ambiguity.
As a matter of interest, version 2 of my alternate story ended with the line, "Hey, where's Kowalski?"
Still think it's pretty clear he's losing it and not a lot of ambiguity.
As a matter of interest, version 2 of my alternate story ended with the line, "Hey, where's Kowalski?"
Culhwch
Lost Boy
As alchemist has adroitly pointed out in the discussion thread, I'm teetering on 6000 posts, and as I have naught else right now that I really need critiqued, and I wanted some feedback on this piece, well, here I be.
At least one person misunderstood what was going on in this story, so I'm curious if anyone else did, and what it was in particular that was vague. I'm thinking the dialogue might be confusing, in regards to knowing who is speaking.
I also think I stole the last line from somewhere. Very possibly a local surf lifesaving ad campaign, but I'm curious if I cribbed it subconsciously from somewhere more prominent.
Overall, I kinda like this story, and I'm thinking of expanding it into a longer short story, so any advice, criticism, feedback and pointers are welcome!
**
Villainous
As a child, I was tormented. Smaller than the other boys, frail and sickly, I was the easiest of prey.
My solace and escape was in comic books. Within their pages I found hope. A path to a better future.
I learnt to endure.
***
‘Sir,’ said the ensign in his native Russian. ‘All is ready.’
I nodded my acknowledgement and the boy marched away. The wind had picked up, and a light snow was falling. Flakes drifted across the ground and swirled about my boots.
Her footfalls were almost silent. ‘You still intend to carry this through?’
‘Of course.’
‘Then I can do nothing to change your mind.’ Not a question.
‘Once, you were the most loyal of all my disciples. When did you lose your nerve?’
‘When you embraced madness.’
I turned to face her. A single tear marred her perfect cheek. Even after all these years she could still steal my breath, like the bitter cold.
I held my resolve. ‘Madness? Madness embraced me, my dear, long before we ever met.’
‘They don’t deserve this. No one deserves this.’
‘No. They all deserve it.’
Her movement was so swift I barely saw it, and the hidden blade in her hand was suddenly at my throat. I didn’t flinch then, nor when the sniper’s shot cracked and her head snapped back.
She fell, lifeless, to the frozen ground.
Behind me the rocket roared to life, shaking the earth and filling the dark sky with light.
***
As a child, I was tormented. Smaller than the other boys, frail and sickly, I was the easiest of prey.
My solace and escape was in comic books. Within their pages I found hope. A path to a better future.
Within their pages I found my heroes.
They didn’t wear capes.
At least one person misunderstood what was going on in this story, so I'm curious if anyone else did, and what it was in particular that was vague. I'm thinking the dialogue might be confusing, in regards to knowing who is speaking.
I also think I stole the last line from somewhere. Very possibly a local surf lifesaving ad campaign, but I'm curious if I cribbed it subconsciously from somewhere more prominent.
Overall, I kinda like this story, and I'm thinking of expanding it into a longer short story, so any advice, criticism, feedback and pointers are welcome!
**
Villainous
As a child, I was tormented. Smaller than the other boys, frail and sickly, I was the easiest of prey.
My solace and escape was in comic books. Within their pages I found hope. A path to a better future.
I learnt to endure.
***
‘Sir,’ said the ensign in his native Russian. ‘All is ready.’
I nodded my acknowledgement and the boy marched away. The wind had picked up, and a light snow was falling. Flakes drifted across the ground and swirled about my boots.
Her footfalls were almost silent. ‘You still intend to carry this through?’
‘Of course.’
‘Then I can do nothing to change your mind.’ Not a question.
‘Once, you were the most loyal of all my disciples. When did you lose your nerve?’
‘When you embraced madness.’
I turned to face her. A single tear marred her perfect cheek. Even after all these years she could still steal my breath, like the bitter cold.
I held my resolve. ‘Madness? Madness embraced me, my dear, long before we ever met.’
‘They don’t deserve this. No one deserves this.’
‘No. They all deserve it.’
Her movement was so swift I barely saw it, and the hidden blade in her hand was suddenly at my throat. I didn’t flinch then, nor when the sniper’s shot cracked and her head snapped back.
She fell, lifeless, to the frozen ground.
Behind me the rocket roared to life, shaking the earth and filling the dark sky with light.
***
As a child, I was tormented. Smaller than the other boys, frail and sickly, I was the easiest of prey.
My solace and escape was in comic books. Within their pages I found hope. A path to a better future.
Within their pages I found my heroes.
They didn’t wear capes.
I liked this story, too. I'm not sure exactly what's going on in the middle, that is, what his mission is, with the rocket. But it's clear that he's the villain, and I don't have any trouble following the dialogue. I think it would make an excellent longer story, so I hope you get a chance to work on that.
If you stole the last line from a local ad campaign, I believe it gets around, because it sounds to me like an ad campaign I've seen for nursing, or paramedics, or something of the sort. But it's not a line that really seems "stolen", and it's not trite or overused, so I wouldn't worry about it.
If you stole the last line from a local ad campaign, I believe it gets around, because it sounds to me like an ad campaign I've seen for nursing, or paramedics, or something of the sort. But it's not a line that really seems "stolen", and it's not trite or overused, so I wouldn't worry about it.
hopewrites
Crochet Streamer
Cul I liked yours a lot because of the way that your narrator only shows that his heroes were villains by his actions, to him they really did save the day, to him they were the paragons of what he should become. Unlike the other things I have seen showing how villains are made, you chose to have him dedicated to it before the girl came into his life, and not because she rejected him. I also love that she never rejected him, that is was never on her shoulders that he wasnt 'good' though she took it upon herself to try and help him become so.
I love the way you showed their relationship, that although he wasnt willing to change who he was for her, he was willing to die for her
While not all super heroes wear capes, and some villains do, I liked the last line because it showed me what he detested most about the world he was trying to change. For me it spoke out against fake personalities, people who are larger then life are usually people who feel their lives are small and full of dirty little secrets.
I loved your story because it took something that could have been cliche or trite in it's execution was delightfully fresh with poignant insight into human character and how it might be shaped.
I love the way you showed their relationship, that although he wasnt willing to change who he was for her, he was willing to die for her
that there are others just as dedicated to him and his plans for rectifying the pain of the past (his or theirs doesnt matter) is neatly summed up in the sniper's actions giving me years of back story in his miniscule appearance.
While not all super heroes wear capes, and some villains do, I liked the last line because it showed me what he detested most about the world he was trying to change. For me it spoke out against fake personalities, people who are larger then life are usually people who feel their lives are small and full of dirty little secrets.
I loved your story because it took something that could have been cliche or trite in it's execution was delightfully fresh with poignant insight into human character and how it might be shaped.
Um... I loved this story, It was in my top 4 and it was really pretty much down to a coin toss that I didn't vote for it.
I think I'm probably the person who didn't get it though, but I had no sense of not understanding (which is quite a skill on your part).
I thought he was doing a super-villain attack on the world/ big city (that's what the rockets were for) and that the girl who loved him (and whom he loved, just not enough) tried to kill him to save all the people he was about to kill, but he'd guessed she would and the sniper killed her on his orders. Except the way you wrote it was far neater and better.
I thought the dialogue worked brilliantly. I thought the whole thing did. What was it about?
I think I'm probably the person who didn't get it though, but I had no sense of not understanding (which is quite a skill on your part).
I thought he was doing a super-villain attack on the world/ big city (that's what the rockets were for) and that the girl who loved him (and whom he loved, just not enough) tried to kill him to save all the people he was about to kill, but he'd guessed she would and the sniper killed her on his orders. Except the way you wrote it was far neater and better.
I thought the dialogue worked brilliantly. I thought the whole thing did. What was it about?
AlcubierreWarp
Student for Life
I would love to hear any criticisms which people are willing to provide. Thanks!
It was time – less than ten seconds remaining on the countdown. Jordan glanced upwards, keeping his head covered. The rabble which gathered was much like those in the Middle Ages, crowding to see the hanging of a criminal. It shouldn’t have happened like this.
Was it only last week? Jordan remembered the smoke and light as the flash-bang grenades stunned him. He reached out towards his father while the secret police kicked his hand away. The muzzle that was pressed against his skin was a brutal reminder – follow the government line, or else.
Looking at the shuttle a little closer, Jordan could see the markings that denoted the habitation pod as well as the command and control module. The shuttle was headed for the terraforming project on mars. The cargo contained fresh supplies for the effort; food, water, and labour.
In the past, the thought of terraforming Mars had been outlandish. The costs involved would be astronomical, and the certain loss of human life inexcusable. That had all been true, up until a couple of years ago. In 2016, the G8 countries all passed laws within their countries which transferred custody of their prisoners to the World Space Agency. Suddenly the costs weren’t so astronomical.
Jordan’s family was poor, his parents proud. They didn’t borrow money, or beg from the food bank. They had enough to get by, without any extravagance. Jordan wished he hadn’t done it. It was just a loaf of bread; but it was enough.
“Thanks for taking the rap Dad. I’ll take care of Mom and Kim. I’m sorry.”
He reached into his pocket, and pressed the button that would set his father free.
It was time – less than ten seconds remaining on the countdown. Jordan glanced upwards, keeping his head covered. The rabble which gathered was much like those in the Middle Ages, crowding to see the hanging of a criminal. It shouldn’t have happened like this.
Was it only last week? Jordan remembered the smoke and light as the flash-bang grenades stunned him. He reached out towards his father while the secret police kicked his hand away. The muzzle that was pressed against his skin was a brutal reminder – follow the government line, or else.
Looking at the shuttle a little closer, Jordan could see the markings that denoted the habitation pod as well as the command and control module. The shuttle was headed for the terraforming project on mars. The cargo contained fresh supplies for the effort; food, water, and labour.
In the past, the thought of terraforming Mars had been outlandish. The costs involved would be astronomical, and the certain loss of human life inexcusable. That had all been true, up until a couple of years ago. In 2016, the G8 countries all passed laws within their countries which transferred custody of their prisoners to the World Space Agency. Suddenly the costs weren’t so astronomical.
Jordan’s family was poor, his parents proud. They didn’t borrow money, or beg from the food bank. They had enough to get by, without any extravagance. Jordan wished he hadn’t done it. It was just a loaf of bread; but it was enough.
“Thanks for taking the rap Dad. I’ll take care of Mom and Kim. I’m sorry.”
He reached into his pocket, and pressed the button that would set his father free.
I liked this story a lot -- it was on my shortlist. It's difficult to put my finger on why I didn't vote for it in the end. But I'll have a go: I liked the structure and the idea very much. I felt the way you told it included a lot of information at the expense of the characters and their personal relationships...
Also, "Thanks for taking the rap..." didn't completely work for me.
I really liked the secret police bit, I liked the reference to the food bank too -- those little details really made it for me.
Also, "Thanks for taking the rap..." didn't completely work for me.
I really liked the secret police bit, I liked the reference to the food bank too -- those little details really made it for me.
I think for me I was a little confused as to what was happening at the end. I assumed the father was on the space ship and heading for the colonys, but then I couldn't figure out why the son was pressing the button. And if by saying setting him free he was killing him.
I would echo Springs comments. I got the general gist of it (I think) but was left scratching my head at some of the details.
AlcubierreWarp
Student for Life
Okay - so I guess the general idea is that I need to try and make things more clear next time?
You got it right Springs - his dad was basically being sent to a death colony - the "cost to human life" of building a colony in space meant that expendable humans would be the preferential workforce. Instead of letting his dad go on a one way trip where he would be a slave and potentially die or be maimed in horrible ways, he conspired to blow up the ship, and let his dad die quickly in an instant death.
You got it right Springs - his dad was basically being sent to a death colony - the "cost to human life" of building a colony in space meant that expendable humans would be the preferential workforce. Instead of letting his dad go on a one way trip where he would be a slave and potentially die or be maimed in horrible ways, he conspired to blow up the ship, and let his dad die quickly in an instant death.
Yes, I got the premise, that Jordan had committed a crime and his father was imprisoned for it in his place and was being sent to the terraforming project with other prisoners, and that Jordan was blowing up the ship.
I didn't quite follow why he felt that to be necessary -- after all, not everyone is going to die in the course of the project, even if they are all prisoners. The cost savings is in not having to pay the laborers, but they still want the project completed and they are sending food, water and supplies -- it really sounds like his father will have it better on Mars than the members of the family left back on Earth who are having to steal food (that got them into this situation). Killing off Dad and the rest of the prisoners seems a bit out of proportion.
Perhaps if the Mars project had been made to seem more of a "fate worse than death", it would have been more plausible to me.
I didn't quite follow why he felt that to be necessary -- after all, not everyone is going to die in the course of the project, even if they are all prisoners. The cost savings is in not having to pay the laborers, but they still want the project completed and they are sending food, water and supplies -- it really sounds like his father will have it better on Mars than the members of the family left back on Earth who are having to steal food (that got them into this situation). Killing off Dad and the rest of the prisoners seems a bit out of proportion.
Perhaps if the Mars project had been made to seem more of a "fate worse than death", it would have been more plausible to me.
hopewrites
Crochet Streamer
I didnt think the dad was being killed, the way I read it he was talking directly to his father who was right in front of him (didnt the secret police just kick his hand away?) so in pressing the button, he was detonating the ship before all the prisoners were loaded on. For me the "freedom" came in a chance to escape during the chaos of the explosion, and taking care of Mom and Kim was his penance for toeing out of line.
What didnt work for me were tiny details, I think it's called the G12 now, or what ever the number is, and the use of the word astronomical twice so close together detracted from the cleverness of its first use. And then the plausibility of a broke proud boy coming up with enough explosives to blow up what would be a highly guarded ship, if the cost of human life was so detrimental to the project before the G8's Space Team bought up the rights to 'criminal scum' there would still be activists who would be protesting on the grounds of "human rights" so the need for security would be higher than if they were just using volunteers.
I guess that's not a detail is it.
What didnt work for me were tiny details, I think it's called the G12 now, or what ever the number is, and the use of the word astronomical twice so close together detracted from the cleverness of its first use. And then the plausibility of a broke proud boy coming up with enough explosives to blow up what would be a highly guarded ship, if the cost of human life was so detrimental to the project before the G8's Space Team bought up the rights to 'criminal scum' there would still be activists who would be protesting on the grounds of "human rights" so the need for security would be higher than if they were just using volunteers.
I guess that's not a detail is it.
Congratulations on the 6,000th! (Black mark for hiding your tribute to hallowed tradition here, though!)
I've very little to say. I got it and loved it and came within an ace of voting for it. I think the only part which didn't quite work for me was
I'm not sure if we're meant to think he had loved her, or it was simply her beauty which could steal his breath. If the former, it doesn't fit with his character as you're showing it; I think it would need more integration into the story. If the latter then the "held my resolve" comes from nowhere. That line, too, I thought a little out of place -- if he was the type to waver, he'd have done so long before this, not at the final second.
As a plot, she's left it a bit late to stop him from launching the rocket if that was her intention, but in the context of 300 words I think we can forgive that!!
AnyaKimlin
Confuddled
Re: Discussion -- 300 Word Challenge #4
I need help with commas - any help with them appreciated and any other advice. (I'm feeling miserable about the whole getting commas right thing)
---
Wilf and Doris' Day Out
Snow fell all about them as Wilf and Doris Jackson take their daily jaunt to the park. Having grown up in North Scotland in the fifties they had disdain of anyone who found a mere foot of snow a barrier to normal life.
They sat on their bench. Doris screwed the lid off the tartan flask, and poured the steaming cocoa into mugs. She offered one to Wilf. Putting her head to the side she admired the structure in front of them. 'Were the showies here yesterday?'
He took a tentative sip. 'My memory isn't what it used to be love. Wonder what it is?'
'Looks like some kind of helter-skelter.' Doris sighed. 'Except it's lit up like a spaceship.'
'Looks fun though.' Wilf smiled and kissed the top of her head. 'Remember our first date?'
She giggled and tucked her arm through his. 'I do you took me to the showies and won me a teddy bear. He's still on the chair in our bedroom.'
They emptied the cups and put them in the bag with the flask. Wilf picked it up and they headed home for meat and two veg.
A bairn all wrapped up in an anorak with fur around the hood runs past them. 'Oh mister – where is the nearest supermarket?'
'Near the big gates, turn left and a few doors up, you'll find a Tescos.' He smiled as the kid offered a mock salute and continued to dash on. 'He's bold running in this weather.'
'Aye love. Hope he's alright. Poor thing looked very thin and a bit green.'
I need help with commas - any help with them appreciated and any other advice. (I'm feeling miserable about the whole getting commas right thing)
---
Wilf and Doris' Day Out
Snow fell all about them as Wilf and Doris Jackson take their daily jaunt to the park. Having grown up in North Scotland in the fifties they had disdain of anyone who found a mere foot of snow a barrier to normal life.
They sat on their bench. Doris screwed the lid off the tartan flask, and poured the steaming cocoa into mugs. She offered one to Wilf. Putting her head to the side she admired the structure in front of them. 'Were the showies here yesterday?'
He took a tentative sip. 'My memory isn't what it used to be love. Wonder what it is?'
'Looks like some kind of helter-skelter.' Doris sighed. 'Except it's lit up like a spaceship.'
'Looks fun though.' Wilf smiled and kissed the top of her head. 'Remember our first date?'
She giggled and tucked her arm through his. 'I do you took me to the showies and won me a teddy bear. He's still on the chair in our bedroom.'
They emptied the cups and put them in the bag with the flask. Wilf picked it up and they headed home for meat and two veg.
A bairn all wrapped up in an anorak with fur around the hood runs past them. 'Oh mister – where is the nearest supermarket?'
'Near the big gates, turn left and a few doors up, you'll find a Tescos.' He smiled as the kid offered a mock salute and continued to dash on. 'He's bold running in this weather.'
'Aye love. Hope he's alright. Poor thing looked very thin and a bit green.'
AnyaKimlin
Confuddled
oops thanks TJ I thought I'd posted it here in the first place. 
AnyaKimlin
Confuddled
Thanks for that Alchemist. Actually I understand most of them.
This one I don't: 'Near the big gates, turn left and a few doors up, full stop or semi colonyou'll find a Tesco's
Why would it be a full stop or semi colon ? Sorry for being a pest, but I don't understand why that would be a full stop instead of a comma ? ''You'll find a Tesco's'' doesn't feel substantial enough to stand on its own ?
This one I don't: 'Near the big gates, turn left and a few doors up, full stop or semi colonyou'll find a Tesco's
Why would it be a full stop or semi colon ? Sorry for being a pest, but I don't understand why that would be a full stop instead of a comma ? ''You'll find a Tesco's'' doesn't feel substantial enough to stand on its own ?
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