Hey guys I am just gonna go with @THX1138
and than yours ok?
I am just gonna write what didn’t work for me —doesnt mean it scale to others (the Mario thing probably doesn’t)
And if anyone feels i am being too brutal (new guy here +the place I am from we criticise each other ‘mad max’ style) feel free to rapport and cut but please tell me ok?
there was a really cool pace of your story and it has nice Indiana Jones adventure vibes but here and there i was feeling screech that was crushing my immersion
generally interesting adventure story but i think i read different story than the one you were writing
I 2x Christine Wheelwright. I was trying to understand what happened and I just couldn’t and didn’t know why…
Its kinda unnecessary to ad this Sue
I will probably make mistake in here (not native English) but i would go with:
“And it looks like there is more further up the mountain.”
“And it looks like they are appearing further up the mountain.”
“And, look…! More appearing further up the mountain!”
Anyway with all this overwordyness in my mind right now i have image of the type of a guy who explains to his lovely assistant the nature and origin of the monster that is about to eat them.
I am not sure what image would I have in my mind.
“Sue watched as more, and more iridescent patches of light appear in the darkness.”
“Sue watched several more iridescent patches of light in the darkness.”
In here in my mind Dave is a professor and I am bit disturbed why do you call him ‘Dave’ and not Prof. livingstone or some other sciency surname?
Anyway I am getting the feeling that Sue is in here only so that you can infodump.
And you shouldn’t treat a lady like this. <shameBell!>
I am not feeling this struggle. what I feel is:
The life of whole village depends on it.
I am not sure if anyone relates (its probably just me but I NEED TO WRITE THIS) but in here i thought you meant this:
And in my head i have 2 people mushroom stumping on something poisonous in the cave the whole night to the sound of this music (some epic Mario vibes here
Totally different than what you explained before, and only now—as i was writing this— i realised you were talking about something different…
Sorry, my bad…
Buuut… they were doing something of mortal danger. The stake was more than their life and they didn’t think of asking For help? in 300 people they would do it much faster, and apart from this, just in case they fail they didn’t think of alarming the people of the danger/ evacuating the people?
maby the risk wasn’t so high… but than theor endeavour isn’t that heroic.
Maby they were high up in the mountains and it would take them day to go down - no information
Anyway, I had fun (even more than you intended i guess
… ) But I would recommend you to work on one thing.
C.S. Lewis wrote once that readers are like sheep. If you leave a door open, they will go there. IMHO you could work on description precision. I was getting lost few times because of this.