July 1913
Vårn Observatory
My name is Wilhelm Von Krieger, junior astronomer at the Vårn Telescope high in the hills above the Village from which the telescope takes its name.
In amongst my duties at the observatory, I Have time to myself which I fill with studying natural history, particularly the local plant life and insects that accompany them.
I don't like this opening very much. The first sentence should stop at "high." The rest of the sentence doesn't really matter. If your a junior astronomer would you really spend your time studding natural history? Also not sure about being a biologist with natural history and astronomy. Maybe it just needs a little re-work.
Midday
With the professor gone for a couple of days, I have some time to myself for the first time in nearly a month.
(but didn't you write an earleir passage) Which has been spent searching for a comet, that an observatory in New Zealand discovered on one of their photographic plates back in March.
"Most of the time was spent searching for a comet would work better.
Some movement on the road caught my attention; long enough for the sunlight to focus on a page in my notebook through my magnifying glass, catching it alight. I make my way to the road, my sketchbook still smouldering.
I am lost here. When did you start heading outside? Your walking a writing in your journal?
The local postman, an ancient man (no one was certain of his exact age) made his way slowly along the road, sitting on a small sled, being pulled by a pair of large Swiss Mountain Dogs. “Good day, young sir.” Says the postman, opening his mail sack.
“I’ve a telegram for you.” He says, handing a blue envelope to me. “Marie has been asking after you again.” Continues the postman.
7th July 1913
It’s cloudy today, not the best weather for astronomical observations so I have taken myself into the village,
which is directly below the observatory
I head
directly for the local inn, where Marie works.
“There you are,” Says her mother (
I don't like this as a reader, whose mother? are we talking about the same character?), as I step into the Inn, “I’d almost forgotten what you looked like.” She says, indicating that Marie was working in the courtyard
(why would this indicate she was working in the court yard?). I found her a few moments later, supervising a delivery of some sort, which was being unloaded from a truck.
“I’m sorry I’ve not been able to visit for a while.” I say apologetically, keeping my distance while Marie inspects a couple of newly delivered crates. “It isn’t your fault.” She says, using a crowbar to open one of the crates.
“These are fine” She says to the truck driver after inspecting the contents for a while,
who motion
ing for a pair of strong looking men to unload the crates.
“Yes, I know, but...” Begins Wilhelm, before being interrupted by Marie, “I said it’s fine.”
Says Marie, handing him a stack of plates from the crate to take inside.
“I suppose you’ll be staying for dinner?” Asks Marie’s mother
(Maybe "yelled Marie's mother at me); in a tone that suggests she isn’t too receptive to the idea. “Of course he will.” Says Marie, placing the stack of plates on a table.
6pm
“So, what have you been doing up in that observatory?” Asks Marie’s father, pouring me some coffee after dinner, “Most of my time has been taken up with helping the professor, everything else is just normal everyday tasks.” I say, before taking a sip of coffee.
“If you would like, I could see if the professor would allow me to give you a tour.” I say, hoping that Marie’s mother would think him less of a layabout. “I, for one would like that very much.” Says Marie’s father, glancing over at Marie’s mother.
14th June 1913
10pm
“And if you look through the telescope, you’ll see the Sea of Tranquillity.” I say, handing a small telescope to Marie’s father. “I must say, this telescope of yours is wonderful, I’ve never seen the Moon so clearly.” Says Marie’s amazed father.
(shouldn't the parents have a name by now?)
“Yes, it’s a special kind of glass, the professor had to have this one built specially in Belgium.” I tell him.
(I personally would have said University of Arizona since the Hubble telescope lenses where made their, just a fun fact that wouldn't match anything 
)
“If you look carefully, just above the lake in the distance, you’ll see Mars.” I continue, pointing Marie’s father in the right direction. “Well I never, it’s actually red.” Says Marie’s father in amazement.
“This comet you’ve been studying, where is it?” Asks Marie’s father, handing the telescope back to me. “In an hour or so, it should be visible, you might be able to see it with the naked eye, if you’re lucky.” I reply, placing the telescope back in its case.
“Not wishing to contradict you in front of your guests, my boy, but I can see it already.” Says the professor, standing on the balcony across the courtyard, which runs around the outside of the main telescope.
(Wouldn't he need to yell it if he was across the court yard that would be in front of the large telescope?)
A short time later, Wilhelm, along with Marie’s father joins the professor. “That’s quite a sight” Says Marie’s father, leaning back as he gazes into the night sky. The Professor motions for Wilhelm’s small telescope, which he quickly points toward the patch of sky where the comet has been sighted for the past several months.
“Professor, should we perhaps go inside?” Asks Wilhelm. The professor pauses for a moment, telescope still pointing towards the sky. “Oh my, of course, we have company.” He says, handing the telescope back to Wilhelm.
(Isn't Wilhelm a worker and not part of the family? Who is Wilhelm?)
The trio make their way into the main area of the observatory, the far wall of which is covered in arcane looking star charts, and a bewildering collection of papers, which contain equally bizarre looking equations.
“Professor Holm, this is Pierre, my fiancé’s father.” Says Wilhelm, attempting to introduce him before the professor becomes too absorbed in his work.
“Welcome.” Says the Professor. “Please, call me Albert.” He continues, handing Wilhelm his telescope back. “Have you made any progress?” Asks Wilhelm, noting the appearance of a few new pages on the far wall.
(So Wilhelm is the main character? oh my I am a little lost)
“Yes I believe so.” Says Albert, moving towards the rear wall. Pierre, his curiosity getting the better of him, takes a peek through the eyepiece of the main telescope, currently aimed at Mars.
“An amazing device you have here.” Says Pierre, stepping down from the telescope’s eyepiece.
“Thank you.” Says Albert, scribbling a new piece of information onto a fresh piece of paper.” Pierre takes a glance at all the information covering the wall, now in front of him.
“What does all this mean?” He asks. “It’s a distance calculation.” Says the professor, before Wilhelm has chance to explain. “To put it simply, we are seeing the object as it was ten hours ago.” Says Wilhelm, after glancing at the sheets of paper. “Exactly, and to put that into perspective for you, we see the sun during the daytime as it was eight minutes ago.” Continues Albert.
Before Pierre, or anyone else can think what to say next, a blinding white light fills the night sky, bursting into the observatory, bringing everything into the kind of sharp detail usually reserved for daylight.
