Anthorn and Nikita, there first meeting.

[anthorn]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Hi people. This is an exerpt from chapter 5, where Anthorn and Nikita meet for the first time.
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I am hoping in this scene for two things to come across.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]That either Nikita is a woman very aware of her sexuality, or is trying to seduce him or at least get a rise out of him. (no pun intended)
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]And that she might come across as a bit of a bitch.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]With Anthorn i hope his dislike of merchants and displeasure of the entire situation comes across.
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Following the steward his gaze went straight to the long cushioned chair sitting near the wall length window. He longed to lie there, to nurse the agony of having to ride a horse. As he made to sit, the steward cleared his throat, fixed him with a distasteful look, I guess I'll stand then. There was a mahogany table to his left, perhaps he could lean on that.
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I saw you earlier, who are you?”[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Anthorn turned sharply. A woman approached from another doorway and he realised it was the same woman he'd seen earlier. It was hard not to stare at her as her only clothing was a small loincloth and a shawl across her shoulders. “My name is Anthorn Xebiar, a Guardian from Caraksand.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]A Guardian?” She repeated, slowly, smirking as she stretched in a way that showed what was underneath the cloth. “You're a bit dirty for a Guardian aren't you?”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I've been travelling from Caraksand,” he said. He was irked by the tone in her voice, it suggested that she might have been making fun of him. “I haven't had time to change.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Ah so you're him, you're the man my father mentioned. So tell me do you know anyone called Rake?”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]No.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Ah, disappointing,” but the expression on her face was anything but disappointed.
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Why?” He asked, trying to find somewhere else to look. Each time the woman stretched it drew attention to her curves and he was painfully aware of his arousal. They were alone and she was hardly dressed, each stretch revealed only what a lover should see; from the lack of hair between the legs to under the arms. Her skin was smooth, unmarked save for a small scar upon her left leg.
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]No reason, no reason at all,” she said sliding down into the chair. “Sit please.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Anything could happen seemed to be what her eyes were telling him but he knew that It couldn't. She could lie though, couldn't she? Saved from court martial to be accused of rape, just my luck. “I'm sorry miss, I would rather wait for your father so we can discuss his plans,” amusement flashed behind her eyes and he winced. These merchants are all the same, this one however seemed different but that may have been her age. They were he thought, of similar ages and though her eyes revealed her to be calm her legs never stayed still, as though she was afraid or ready to run away.
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The girl laughed and smiled, “you should sit you know, or you'll be there forever. My father is in Basara, has been for a year.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The colour drained from his face, “but I've come all this way. I was told I was to escort your father to Caraksand. What am I supposed to do?” [/FONT]
“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]You can stay the night or we can leave now.”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]We? What do you mean we?”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Are you stupid or something?” She asked rising.
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]“Me, you're taking me to Caraksand is that all right with you?”[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]but I was told,” he continued.[/FONT]
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“[FONT=Courier New, monospace]I really hope you're not as stupid as I'm beginning to think that you are,” she offered her hand. “My name is Nikita Sarakus.”[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Numb, he took her hand. A fate worse than death, he was to baby sit a merchants daughter, and a bitch at that.[/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Can I change my mind about the court martial?[/FONT]

 

[chrispenycate]

Aaargh! Their first meeting

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Hi people. This is an exerpt from chapter 5, where Anthorn and Nikita meet for the first time.

I am hoping in this scene for two things to come across.

That either Nikita is a woman very aware of her sexuality, or is trying to seduce him or at least get a rise out of him. (no pun intended)
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[FONT=Courier New, monospace]And that she might come across as a bit of a bitch.

With Anthorn i hope his dislike of merchants and displeasure of the entire situation comes across.


Following the steward his gaze went straight to the long cushioned chair sitting near the wall length window. He longed to lie there, to nurse the agony of having to ride a horse. As he made to sit, the steward cleared his throat, fixed him with a distasteful look, I guess I'll stand then. There was a mahogany table to his left, perhaps he could lean on that.


“I saw you earlier, who are you?”

Anthorn turned sharply. A woman approached from another doorway and he realised it was the same woman he'd seen earlier. It was hard not to stare at her as her only clothing was a small loincloth and a shawl across her shoulders. “My name is Anthorn Xebiar, a Guardian from Caraksand.”

A Guardian?” She repeated, slowly, smirking as she stretched in a way that showed what was underneath the cloth. “You're a bit dirty for a Guardian aren't you?”

I've been travelling from Caraksand,” he said. He was irked by the tone in her voice,

semicolon (or "which")

it suggested that she might have been making fun of him. “I haven't had time to change.”

"Ah so you're him, you're the man my father mentioned. So tell me

comma

do you know anyone called Rake?”


“No.”

"Ah, disappointing,”

no direct speech attribution so full stop and capital "B"

but the expression on her face was anything but disappointed.


"Why?” He asked, trying to find somewhere else to look. Each time the woman stretched it drew attention to her curves and he was painfully aware of his arousal. They were alone and she was hardly dressed, each stretch revealed only what a lover should see; from the lack of hair between the legs to under the arms. Her skin was smooth, unmarked save for a small scar upon her left leg.


“No reason, no reason at all,” she said

comma

sliding down into the chair. “Sit please.”

Anything could happen seemed to be what her eyes were telling him but he knew that It

why capital (uppercase) "I"?

couldn't. She could lie though, couldn't she? Saved from court martial to be accused of rape, just my luck. “I'm sorry miss, I would rather wait for your father so we can discuss his plans,”

no direct speech attribution so full stop and capital "A"

amusement flashed behind her eyes and he winced. These merchants are all the same,

either this is interior thought, in which case it should he underlined for consistency, or it's narration, in which case it should be past tense. Then, change the comma to a full stop.

this one however seemed different

comma

but that may have been her age. They were

comma; and if he was thinking, would he not be in present tense?

he thought, of similar ages and though her eyes revealed her to be calm her legs never stayed still, as though she was afraid or ready to run away.

The girl laughed and smiled, “y

capital "Y"

ou should sit

probably comma

you know, or you'll be there forever. My father is in Basara, has been for a year.”

The colour drained from his face, “b

capital "B"

ut I've come all this way. I was told I was to escort your father to Caraksand. What am I supposed to do?”

“You can stay the night or we can leave now.”

“We? What do you mean we?”

“Are you stupid or something?”

Direct speech attribution = lower case "S", comma after "asked"S

he asked rising.

“Me, you're taking me to Caraksand

full stop

is that all right with you?”

“

capital "B"

but I was told,” he continued.

“I really hope you're not as stupid as I'm beginning to think that you are,”

no direct speech attribution so full stop and capital "S"

she offered her hand. “My name is Nikita Sarakus.”

Numb, he took her hand.

probably better not to finis ajacent sentences with the same word.

A fate worse than death,

semicolon

he was to baby sit a merchants

merchant's

daughter, and a bitch at that.
Can I change my mind about the court martial?

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[anthorn]

I disagree with some of those points.
It should always be a G after a ?" And a, "just, not a And a, "J. Shouldn't it?

 

[The Judge]

Not sure if this is what you're asking, but:

Where starting dialogue, even if it follows a comma, you use a capital, so

She was continually muttering to herself, "But am I sane?"

When finishing dialogue, if the attribution runs straight on (ie he said) then it's always lower case even if the dialogue ends with ? or !, so

"But am I sane?" she muttered to herself

 

[J Riff]

Maybe wall-length should be hyphenated... Chris hit all grammar points, the story comes across fine otherwise.

 

[R M Tobias]

Two things

“A Guardian?” She repeated, slowly, smirking as she stretched in a way that showed what was underneath the cloth. “You're a bit dirty for a Guardian aren't you?”

I would get rid of either slowly or smirking. Maybe it's the alliteration with stretched but I think one should go.

“Are you stupid or something?” She asked rising.

“Me, you're taking me to Caraksand is that all right with you?”

Should this all be on the one line? As in

“Are you stupid or something?” she asked rising. “Me, you're taking me to Caraksand is that all right with you?”

 

[Toby Frost]

I think this would work much better if she had some more kit on. I know that sounds daft, but actually seeing the goods (and if I'm not mistaken he does seem to see pretty much the whole damn lot) is much less alluring than getting close to seeing some of the goods. I would be inclined to put her in some sort of insubstantial damsel dress or one of those warrior-maiden outfits that men think women think is a good idea to wear in a battle, if she's so inclined*. It also seems a little bit - well, crazy, to turn up to your first meeting with someone in your underpants.

* Actually, I'm not sure on this. I suspect anyone going into battle wouldn't be too worried about looking sexy, especially if about to be covered in blood and muck. If a dress seems too girlie, then perhaps some variant on shirt and britches, probably including less buttons and more tightness?

EDIT: Unless of course there is a tradition of women wearing almost nothing while men are fully clothed in this setting. But that would seem a bit impractical and would need explaining.

 

[anthorn]

In the first half of the scene, she was running (as exercise) This is her returning straight from that run. She lives on a large estate so she's not worried about privacy and the country she lives in: Imara, is a tropical country, that celebrates it's sexuality and the body. It's not uncommon for her people to walk around in little.

I shall also add that she comments herself on the clothes that she wears two chapters later, mentioning it would be considered obscene in other parts of the world.

This scene is also revisited in Book 2, though from her POV.

 

[chrispenycate]

Chris hit all grammar points, the story comes across fine otherwise.

Actually I missed

“I saw you earlier, who are you?”

Two sentences. Semicolon or full stop between them.

A woman approached from another doorway and he realised it was the same woman he'd seen earlier.

This would flow better without the repetition of the word "woman“

I didn't find the effective nudity disturbing at all. While she is less sexually appealing to a member of a more – repressed – society like that than if she had been more concealed, she's considerably more embarrassing; and that is how she is intending to keep the upper hand. On the other hand (that must be the lower one) if she is not considerably underdeveloped in the mammary department doing any serious running exercise dressed like that would be extremely uncomfortable. I suspect she'd unknotted that shawl just before coming through the door, to shock him, and the "I've not had time to change after running" is just an excuse.

In the

to nurse the agony of having to ride a horse.

is it not "of having had to ride a horse", for the trip he has already done, rather than the predicted agony of the return trip?

Sorry if I'm less than diplomatic with my suggestions; I'm a slow enough typist that just putting down problems takes me quite a while, let alone being nice about it.

 

[anthorn]

No, no, you hit things on the mark. I think Punctuation wise I would be best switching over to Microsoft word, or hiring an editor

 

[Jake Reynolds]

Hey Anthorn,

I think it may be worth having a look at setting. I don't really mean the room, but other things- for example, I assume that if she is wearing a shawl across her shoulders that she is topless. If the shawl is wrapped around to cover her chest, perhaps it could be worth mentioning how the transparency of her shawl hints at what lies beneath...

Also, it would be worth mentioning that the steward leaves the room (or if he doesn't, his presence should be noted again).

Finally, I think the last thing anyone who has been on a horse all day wants to do is sit down.

Little things, easy to fix. I think it's a good start.

 

[anthorn]

Okay, thanks. Question to Chip. Are you correcting American style. Or original english way? I've looked in dozens of books and it all seems to be different when it comes to dialogue