Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Wayne Mack]

@Bren G, for me, the set up did not engender a sense of peril for the POV character, so the conclusion failed to generate an emotional release. Specifically,

the small lizard horde massed below, their armor glinting in the waning sunlight

had me envisioning the POV character high on a mountainside with the aliens walking through a valley. This put the POV and his or her band at a tactical advantage and I could see them being able to stay hidden from the enemy and merely let them pass. This contradicted some of the other phrasing, but this was what dominated my picture of the set up. Without the feel of danger, the arrival of the Chinese felt less heroic.

Aside: I was not aware that the J-20 was an aircraft. In fact, picturing the scene as the Chinese riding on actual dragons and lighting fuses for hand launched rockets from their saddles may have been an even more interesting conclusion for me.

 

[Hugh]

I'm afraid this one rather passed me by, but so what? You valued your story, and for me that's what matters.

I didn't get the Chengdu- dragon connection. I'd assumed the dragons was a name for the Chinese which seemed rather odd.

I also didn't understand the jump from an outgunned technologically inferior group of North-Americans waiting to die to the sudden appearance of powerful allies with effective technology.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I must admit it took me a couple of read throughs to get an understanding, and that was only after knowing that the J-20 was a plane. With over 40 entries, the danger is that people won't both take several reads to gain an understanding as well as researching the J-20.

As already mentioned, it doesn't really make sense in respect that the aliens are described as having better weaponry, but this is appears not to be the case because of the Chinese fighters. It's a great idea to start your story with a quotation, but it might be worth looking for one about the dangers of contacting an alien race and finding out they are more aggressive than we are?

It might also be worth switching the 'last North Americans' You could describe it as the 'last outpost in our sector' or make it an almost overrun platoon of US Marines; make it less specific and then you aren't having to worry about where Chinese fighters are coming from. And perhaps have them 'ready to go down fighting' rather than 'prepared to die?



A couple of suggestions I would make which might help. As has been mentioned, although imminent danger is proclaimed by the protagonist, it isn't really apparent in the text.

Like Cortez’s Spaniards, the small lizard horde massed below, their armor glinting in the waning sunlight, preparing for the final charge

could become

The swarm of vicious alien raptors eyed us hungrily, their talons glinting in the waning sunlight, poised to strike the final blow.


Only a little one , but a thunderclap breaking through the heavens doesn't sound quite right for a jet plane

A thunderclap broke through the heavens,

could become

A thunderclap reverberated around the heavens,


And to keep in context with dragons and dragon fire (and to show that victory has been achieved).


Eyes raised, we watched triumphally as rockets rained hell upon our foe

could become

Eyes raised, we watched triumphantly as flames engulfed our fleeing foe


Hopefully there are one or two things that I've mentioned that might help. They are only a personal opinion, and perhaps not moving the story in the way you would want. It's a great and certainly unique take on the theme of the challenge, and now I understand it better the use of the theme would definitely have put it on my shortlist. A bit more tweaking and it may have got my vote. And even though I didn't understand it first time around, the 'Oh, the mighty dragons!" line really stood out for me.

 

[Parson]

@Bren G

Knowing that those jets were named Dragons would have helped, but for me that isn't where it fell short of a short list or a vote. With so many posts to choose from a few little things can make a difference. Here are some things that I felt.

1. I didn't identify with any group in the story, so the story didn't grab me. In other words, "Why should I care?"
2. If the alien tech was so much better, why would advanced human tech matter much at all?
3. Lizard horde? I was wondering if that was from the alien point of view about humans or if the humans were literally dragon riders. (After reading the story again, I've come to the opinion that it was the aliens who were the Lizard horde. For some reason I had the aliens in the air looking down on the "North Americans" from a great height.)

 

[Bren G]

Thanks for the feedback all. This is definitely helpful. I had tried to use Hawking's quote to indicate that Aliens were here and bent on conquering. (With 75 words that proved difficult so shortened it). The idea was to draw the imagery of the conquest of the America's (Cortez, shiny armor etc) to draw the parallel and like Cortez vs the Aztecs, that there were a small number of aliens (which would explain why their advanced tech didn't simply crush us). and of course it is the Chinese who come to save the day, which these days would be ironic given the state of international affairs. The idea is we discover our humanity only after the aliens threaten to extinguish us.

I think I tried to do too much with too little words. Also, the lizards was a poor choice to describe the aliens as I now see they could be confused with dragons and definitely missed the mark on the execution given the confusion in general.

Thanks again.

BG

 

[Mr Orange]

Thanks all for the further comments on my story. Good to know that if it had actually been understandable it might have got a few more mentions!

@Bren G i am normally in a rush when i go through the stories for voting. Last minute y'know. So if one doesn't grab my attention it will fall away. This is what happened to yours. Reading it back now the opening of the aggressive techno aliens seems incongruous and contradictory to the rest of the story where the aliens are small, on the plain below, wearing armour and then decimated with chinese rockets. I think it would have work better to have an alien warship hovering over a sad group of fleeing citizens about to obliterate them with a death ray and then have the chinese rockets save the day by hitting the ship

Just my 2c

 

[paranoid marvin]

Ah.. interesting @Luiglin and that makes total sense. I really like your ending too! If only I had thought of it!

Yes that's a great idea. That way you can keep the idea of the aliens having technical superiority, but the humans fighting back with superior mythological creatures.

 

[Luiglin]

Yes that's a great idea. That way you can keep the idea of the aliens having technical superiority, but the humans fighting back with superior mythological creatures.

I wasn't thinking of dragons I the flesh but more describing the Chinese fighters to look like them, roaring over the horizon spitting missiles that flamed across the sky.

But...

Mythological dragons would be so much better

 

[emrosenagel]

Hello! This is my first entry, and boy was it a tough theme! Some thoughts would be welcome.

“Behlneri…no,” the boy muttered. “Helneri. That isn’t it either.”

His trembling hands hovered above his mother’s chest; if he didn’t relax, no spell could save her. He steeled himself and tried to remember the right word.

With each attempt, his fingers sparked with arcana, only to fizzle out.

“Doth…” his mother wheezed.

“No, you can’t die. I need the word for life.”

“Same…meaning.”

He squeezed her hand once, and she returned it. “Dothneri.”

I wanted to leave it open to interpretation whether the word actually meant both life and death, or that the mother only offered her son comfort in facing her death. Not sure if I accomplished that?

 

[mosaix]

Hi @emrosenagel, welcome to the challenges. For me you definitely accomplished it and, in a way, that counted against the story as I much prefer a tidy ending with no loose ends.

But it was well written and didn’t fall into the group of stories that I didn’t understand this month.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi emroseangel, thanks for participating in this month's Challenge. And congratulations on getting a vote, as well as a number of shortlistings - which is no mean feat given the quality of the competition. This was a really well written entry, full of emotion.

I must admit that I didn't fully understand why the magic word for death was the same as life; if you use it do you kill or cure the recipient ? Also it didn't really make sense to me as to why he wouldn't know - or couldn't remember - what you would think would be one of the most powerful magic words, or why he would be finding out for the first time that it meant both life and death.

And as mosaix points out, by leaving the ending open-ended and ambiguous, you do run the risk of losing potential votes from those who like closure in their stories. It can be tough to get as much as you may want to into 75 word, but that is part of the challenge. But (as I've mentioned in other posts), the harder part is to create engaging characters and situations, which I think you have accomplished here.

Why not try the 100 word anonymous challenge next over in the Workshop? You can submit several entries and attempt different styles of writing on the same theme.

 

[Elckerlyc]

I don't mind open endings. For me the problem with your story was overall too much ambiguity. Well written that it was, it just left me with the question "What am I witnessing here?" And how much of it had it to do with language or translation? Being emotional and not remembering a word properly is not an issue of language. And yes, judging can be harsh!
But then, with so many competing stories, interspersed with some really good stories, you have to maintain a certain set of criteria when judging. I think we all have our own way of judging. Just look at the widespread of votes; 23 out of the 43 entries got at least one vote. Personal preferences always will play a roll. Like, some don't like open-endings, while others do (when it fits the story.) In this you just have to follow your own heart while writing.
The number of mentions or votes your story gets, doesn't always indicate whether your story was good or bad. At least that's what I tell myself, when dealing with a disappointing result...

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I liked your entry a lot, emrosenagel. I thought the writing was very good, and I think I followed your intentions for the story.
There was enough of the theme for me; there is a language to the casting of spells, clearly, and the son couldn't remember the correct word/translation for the spell he wished to speak.
I don't mind open-endedness; it's all subjective, of course, but I'll say for me there was enough of an ending to satisfy and intrigue.
Finally, I thought the son's squeezing of his mother's hand to indicate his comprehension/hope was one of the most genuinely human moments in the Challenge... along with the ending of The Judge's story. I really appreciated the feeling in the ending of both entries.
I shortlisted your story, and I'd mention it is quite an accomplishment to receive listings and a vote in any Challenge, and to do so in your first is pretty cool! CC

 

[emrosenagel]

Thanks for the comments, @mosaix , @paranoid marvin , and @Elckerlyc

I can completely understand not liking open endings, sometimes they even make my teeth grind. Next time I will try to add closure to my story and see how that works out.
To be honest, I think I may have been a bit hasty entering this challenge, so perhaps I could've given it more attention. I was eager to participate Like I said, the theme was a tough one for me. Reading the word "translation" sounded very sci-fi, and I can admit that isn't my strongest genre. But after seeing some really great entries in the fantasy category, mine felt weak in comparison, relying too heavily on the emotion rather than the theme. Next time I will really try to nail the theme before I enter it!
Looking back at my story, I can see how it may seem weird the boy doesn't know the words for life or death in a language he is obviously familiar with. I honestly just didn't think about that at the time, but I'm glad it was brought up or else I would've never thought of it. I can think of ways to remedy that, but not in 75 words.

And @Cat's Cradle , thank you very much. That really made my day! I strive to keep emotion high in my writing, so it's good to know that I accomplished that.

Again, thank you. I'm really excited for next months challenges and hope I can improve!

 

[paranoid marvin]

I don't mind open endings. For me the problem with your story was overall too much ambiguity. Well written that it was, it just left me with the question "What am I witnessing here?" And how much of it had it to do with language or translation? Being emotional and not remembering a word properly is not an issue of language. And yes, judging can be harsh!
But then, with so many competing stories, interspersed with some really good stories, you have to maintain a certain set of criteria when judging. I think we all have our own way of judging. Just look at the widespread of votes; 23 out of the 43 entries got at least one vote. Personal preferences always will play a roll. Like, some don't like open-endings, while others do (when it fits the story.) In this you just have to follow your own heart while writing.
The number of mentions or votes your story gets, doesn't always indicate whether your story was good or bad. At least that's what I tell myself, when dealing with a disappointing result...

Judging by the entries each month, a lack of votes or shortlistings is rarely down to a lack of writing ability or imagination. Sometimes it could be that entries are too similar to others, or don't quite capture the theme or genre. Other times it could be that the content could require external reading, greater knowledge on behalf of the reader or need several readings to be fully understood. There have been a few occasions when (after the Challenge ends) the author has explained their story and suddenly I 'get' it, and may have shortlisted or even voted for it. But none of this makes the entry poor, just less likely to be voted for.

 

[emrosenagel]

Judging by the entries each month, a lack of votes or shortlistings is rarely down to a lack of writing ability or imagination. Sometimes it could be that entries are too similar to others, or don't quite capture the theme or genre. Other times it could be that the content could require external reading, greater knowledge on behalf of the reader or need several readings to be fully understood. There have been a few occasions when (after the Challenge ends) the author has explained their story and suddenly I 'get' it, and may have shortlisted or even voted for it. But none of this makes the entry poor, just less likely to be voted for.

I completely understand. I didn't expect to get any votes or mentions, and I was fine with that. But when I saw somebody liked my story enough to vote for it, I admit I grinned like an idiot for about half an hour. Small victories

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Well said, p.m. Then there's often a hot story or two every month, and it gets even more difficult to receive votes.

Just my opinion, but I'm coming more and more around to the thought that posting in haste can be a large part of why stories we think should do well fail. My ideas come quickly, and I write them and enter quickly, and sometimes I look back at them two weeks later and wonder how I could have posted such a thing (and sometimes I run across a story of mine here several years later, and I am just horrified that that was my entry; sometimes though, I find ones I really like ). To new folks, maybe write up your Challenge story, then set it aside for a week or so before posting. I am setting myself the goal of not entering in June till the 10th... I'll never make it!

But for the new folks, clarity of story ideas is very important, and hitting the theme is clearly a big issue for many voters (I'm weak on theme, myself). Any-who, we'll all be able to try again in just a few days, and then there's the 300 worder in July, too... to our newer members, maybe check out a few of the older 300 worders to see if that might be of interest. Best of luck, all, CC

 

[paranoid marvin]

Thanks for the comments, @mosaix , @paranoid marvin , and @Elckerlyc

I can completely understand not liking open endings, sometimes they even make my teeth grind. Next time I will try to add closure to my story and see how that works out.
To be honest, I think I may have been a bit hasty entering this challenge, so perhaps I could've given it more attention. I was eager to participate Like I said, the theme was a tough one for me. Reading the word "translation" sounded very sci-fi, and I can admit that isn't my strongest genre. But after seeing some really great entries in the fantasy category, mine felt weak in comparison, relying too heavily on the emotion rather than the theme. Next time I will really try to nail the theme before I enter it!
Looking back at my story, I can see how it may seem weird the boy doesn't know the words for life or death in a language he is obviously familiar with. I honestly just didn't think about that at the time, but I'm glad it was brought up or else I would've never thought of it. I can think of ways to remedy that, but not in 75 words.

And @Cat's Cradle , thank you very much. That really made my day! I strive to keep emotion high in my writing, so it's good to know that I accomplished that.

Again, thank you. I'm really excited for next months challenges and hope I can improve!

Some themes have a little more latitude than others, this month's was quite open to interpretation - which can often make it more challenging (I certainly thought so); but this can often bring out the best in writers, as shown in this month's entries. Often the theme/genre will be more clear cut, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Looking back at my story, I can see how it may seem weird the boy doesn't know the words for life or death in a language he is obviously familiar with. I honestly just didn't think about that at the time, but I'm glad it was brought up or else I would've never thought of it. I can think of ways to remedy that, but not in 75 words.

After a few months of entering the challenges, you will find ways to do this. Practice, read other entries and get feedback. You've demonstrated that you can create intense situations and evocative emotions which is (for me) the most important thing.

You can cut down on word usage to give yourself the extra ones needed. As an example:

“Behlneri…no. Helneri. That isn’t it either.”

His trembling hands hovered above his mother’s chest; if he didn’t relax, no spell could save her. Steeling himself, he tried remember the right word.


saves 4 words with a similar description.

With each attempt, his fingers sparked with arcana, only to fizzle out.

Being more brutal you could even potentially consider removing this line, as it is the words and not his magic ability that is causing the magic to fail. Although this was a good line, and I would hate to see it removed. But sometimes you just have to be ruthless in order to fit what you want into 75 words.

None of this is meant to be critical, as it was a solid entry with lots of good things, just a couple of suggestions of alternative ways of writing.

 

[emrosenagel]

Some themes have a little more latitude than others, this month's was quite open to interpretation - which can often make it more challenging (I certainly thought so); but this can often bring out the best in writers, as shown in this month's entries. Often the theme/genre will be more clear cut, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Looking back at my story, I can see how it may seem weird the boy doesn't know the words for life or death in a language he is obviously familiar with. I honestly just didn't think about that at the time, but I'm glad it was brought up or else I would've never thought of it. I can think of ways to remedy that, but not in 75 words.

After a few months of entering the challenges, you will find ways to do this. Practice, read other entries and get feedback. You've demonstrated that you can create intense situations and evocative emotions which is (for me) the most important thing.

You can cut down on word usage to give yourself the extra ones needed. As an example:

“Behlneri…no. Helneri. That isn’t it either.”

His trembling hands hovered above his mother’s chest; if he didn’t relax, no spell could save her. Steeling himself, he tried remember the right word.


saves 4 words with a similar description.

With each attempt, his fingers sparked with arcana, only to fizzle out.

Being more brutal you could even potentially consider removing this line, as it is the words and not his magic ability that is causing the magic to fail. Although this was a good line, and I would hate to see it removed. But sometimes you just have to be ruthless in order to fit what you want into 75 words.

None of this is meant to be critical, as it was a solid entry with lots of good things, just a couple of suggestions of alternative ways of writing.

I’m thrilled for the advice, critical or not. I’m trying to get used to the idea of criticism and break out of that newbie shell of sensitivity. So thank you very much.
I did think about cutting that line, but in the end decided to keep it. Such short fiction really is a challenge!

 

[Wayne Mack]

@emrosenagel, I think you story would have benefitted from a longer length than the 75 word limit allows. It is well done, but it depends on the reader having a strong emotional connection with the boy and his mother and that is near impossible to create in a short, micro-sized piece.

Keeping writing. I think you have a wonderful style and look forward to other things you may create.