Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[LittleMissy]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Okay, The Judge pointed me here if I wanted some critique on my entry...

So, please feel free to do so. I'd appreciate any help or advice on how to improve?! I think I may have the bug for joining in with the writing challenges and, depending on the next theme/genre, I may choose to enter again


My story was: -

Family

I can feel it inside, like a beast living beneath my skin! Unable to deal with the foreign entity taking over my body. I see the knife, so close to my hand. The only release is to cut this “thing” out!

But…

I hear the door open…

Daddy’s home! Here to play happy families as though what he does is a game and no consequences exist, nor harm can be done!!!

 

[Hex]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Hi Little Missy,

(I should say now that although I've been really lucky and won August, I find the 75-worder really difficult and I can only comment on yours as someone who read it, not as someone who knows anything about writing to that length).

I found your entry both intriguing and truly alarming, but I didn't totally understand it. I think I kind of understood it, but I didn't get the connection between the cutting a bit out and Daddy enough to be confident that I had understood.

Also, and this is just a mini-thing, there were a lot of exclaimation marks and I got a bit overwhelmed by the end.

 

[Parson]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Little Missy,

I'm sure some of veteran critiquers will be along but from a pure amateur here are a couple of things. Let me say that I think the idea is good, and there could well be something creepy and filled with horror.

But...

First, I couldn't make the connection between the "thing" and "Daddy coming home." I assume we are hearing a child, but when I get the line "play happy families..." I wonder if it might be the "thing" speaking.

Second, I was unsure what Daddy coming home had to do with not cutting the the "thing" out, especially if Daddy wasn't really loved. In fact that last line "play happy families..." made me wonder if the "thing" might have been something Daddy was responsible for.

For me the real trick in a 75 word story (coming from a rank amateur writer) is to let the reader see what's going on as the conclusion comes without exceeding our word limit.

I've liked your stuff before. I know at least once before you've been on my short list.

Parson

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I agree that there were too many exclamation points. Three in a row is fine for ordinary online conversations, where we don't have the advantage of tone of voice to get our sentiments across, but not acceptable in fiction or formal writing.

As for the story itself, I think that I understood part of it, but I'm a bit hazier on the other.

Daddy and "happy families" I think refers to the father coming into the room to molest the child.

If so, the "thing" may be symbolic of the memories and the trauma she wishes she could cut out of her thoughts, out of her life. Or maybe it's a death wish.

But then there is the knife, and I wonder if Daddy may be about to get what he deserves.

Of course I could be entirely wrong about all of this.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I also agree with the exclamation point excess.

My take on the story was that the child is being molested, and I concluded that she may be pregnant, thus cutting the "thing" out. But I wasn't sure about that.

 

[Hex]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Oh right. I got molestation (or I thought I did) but not the baby. That would make sense. Yuck.

It was a good story, with a threatening and unbalanced tone. I find it's really hard to reduce a story to 75 words, when you know exactly what it's about, and keep it clear. In fact, I've never managed -- all my challenge stories have been written to the length because otherwise I don't manage.

 

[The Judge]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I also understood it as child abuse and that the daughter was pregnant by her father, the foetus being the "thing" to be cut out. A powerful idea, but I don't think it quite worked as a story, though.

One of the problems I had was the tone of voice. I couldn't work out if the child was a young child or someone in her teens -- incest and rape are horrific whatever the age, of course, but words like "foreign entity" and "consequences" are too adult to be really convincing. It doesn't come across as the tortured feelings of an abused girl.

Also, one of the tricks of a short story is to make the ending snappy. Here your ending goes on too long for my taste, drawing a moral, to boot. Fine in the middle of the story, but to me the ending should be more dramatic. For instance, if you'd referred to "he" or "the monster" throughout and ending with "Daddy's home..." that would have given more power to it.

And when it comes to word count -- make the title work. "Family" is too neutral to have much effect on its own, so if instead you had used the "Happy Families" of the story, that frees up two words for you and because of the edge to it (since we know this was a horror story from the genre) it starts to sway people from the get go (assuming they read the title first, of course!).

But although I'm picking out these issues, for a beginner I think you did fine! So definitely you should carry on and join in more Challenges -- as you get more experienced these things will come.

 

[Sid Hawkins]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I thought the content of the Family story one of the best in the month, strong enough to carry a couple of minor details like excessive exclamation marks(!)

The molestation was implied strongly enough for it to "work" for the reader. I did not pick up on pregnancy, if that was intended; I assumed the "thing" was a whole cluster of emotions and impacts on the child, and the "cut it out" a psychological response to that, perhaps leading to future self-harm which is what made the story fit well into the theme for the month.

I have now read and posted in two of the 75-word challenges. It seems to me that stories of that length are almost bound to have some ambiguity and that is part of their charm.

At risk of making a gross generalisation, stories which are closed and unambiguous in 75 words are probably not saying very much at all.

 

[Hex]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I think there's absolutely a trade-off between complexity of ideas and clarity in these challenges. In fact, I think it comes over most clearly in the 300 word challenge, though I'm not sure why that would be.

I know some people feel that we're telling stories, so there should be some sense of movement as well. The June 75 word challenge in the style of Kipling was a good example of how hard this can be. All of it is pretty challenging in 75 words -- hence the title I suppose.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I missed the molestation. Mainly because I only read the first paragraph. To my shame, I jumped to a wrong conclusion about how it was going to go and dismissed it.

I assumed it was the ranting of a disturbed child who was about to do herself in. Horrific enough, but up to that point in the story, not enough to make me want to get to the punch line.

Having read Teresa's analysis I now see I was a bad lad - for which I apologise profusely - and that the story had much more to offer.

However, I don't think this new insight would have swayed my vote.

I think the the problem may have been the layout.

The

but...

I hear the door open...

Allowed me to break concentration and gave me the opportunity to skip.

It's possible that without these massive pauses I would have read to the end.

In fact, it would probably have read more true to life, if the father returning caused panic and a rush to the end. I fancy that is the more likely outcome of the situation you set up.

Similar to the panic instilled when anyone finds themselves up to 'no good' and on the point of discovery.

 

[Sid Hawkins]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Hi all

I joined this site recently, partly because it was recommended to me as having a lively and active "writers" component - which clearly it does.

My first attempt at the 75 word format, for August's competition, is below. I spotted the competition a day or so before the deadline, wrote an entry in 15 minutes, edited it a touch then posted it just to give it a try. I don't have any specific question about it, but I'd be pleased to hear any critique or comment.

Thanks in advance ...

Creative Destruction

‘Do you remember,’ he looked intently at me, ‘playing when you were maybe three years old, and you changed the world for ever? Like, maybe, you squashed a bug?’

His fingers mimicked the crushing action.

Involuntarily, I nodded, although the ropes were tight and movement was hard.

‘Such a powerful feeling; it makes you want to do it again and again and again …’

I saw his smile as he repeated the phrase and then … nothing.

 

[Hex]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I thought this was brilliant -- there were a couple of phrases in it that really jumped out at me. The first paragraph really caught my attention and then: '...I nodded, although the ropes were tight and movement was hard.' -- which was a fantastic way to find out that this wasn't just a slightly alarming chat between friends.

For me, the last line wasn't as strong -- maybe it's that you'd already given the punchline, sort of, in the middle of the story when we find out he's tied up. That was the bit that made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and because that was so strong, it tails away a little (I thought).

 

[Sid Hawkins]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I thought this was brilliant -- there were a couple of phrases in it that really jumped out at me. The first paragraph really caught my attention and then: '...I nodded, although the ropes were tight and movement was hard.' -- which was a fantastic way to find out that this wasn't just a slightly alarming chat between friends.

For me, the last line wasn't as strong -- maybe it's that you'd already given the punchline, sort of, in the middle of the story when we find out he's tied up. That was the bit that made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and because that was so strong, it tails away a little (I thought).

Thanks Hex, that's helpful. The ending was the bit I had to redraft the most, partly to hit the 75 word limit, but also to make sure there was little room for ambiguity (ironic counter-point to my earlier posting re all 75 word stories having some ambiguity!)

 

[mosaix]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Sid, I agree with Hex on this. For me, the last line isn't right, for two reasons. Firstly, what Hex said. But secondly, if I'm reading the story correctly the ' ... nothing' implies oblivion, death. But it's written in first person, how can the narrator be dead? Sorry if this sounds picky but it was a problem for me. I think it would have worked better in third person or that the implication was pending death.

I know some people feel that we're telling stories,

I think that's a requirement of the rules, Hex.

 

[Hex]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I think that's a requirement of the rules, Hex.

True enough. I should have said something like: some people have wider definitions of 'story' than others do.

I'm not really bothered by a first person narrator dying -- not in the sense of it making logical sense, anyway. I think many stories would fall to pieces completely if you applied this level of logic to them (and not just in the 75 word challenge).

 

[Parson]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Sid,

I thought your story was positively chilling. For me it was like a look inside a psychopath's head. I did think the entry lacked in the story department. It essentially ended in the middle. As soon as it is clear that the victim is tied up there is likely only one conclusion that fits the set up.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I think the line that Hex liked is the one that put me off.

First, the picture that springs to mind is one of him tied up in a chair, classic hostage pose, and the fact that nodding was difficult kind of knocks me out of that idea -- having to stop and figure out how he could be tied that could make it difficult to nod is just too much work for the payoff.

Second, if it's difficult to nod, that kind of takes the "involuntary" out of the action.

And then the point mosaix made, the guy is dead and telling the story. I think that could have worked if you had simply left off the "nothing" at the end. He saw it, and then...

All that aside, it is a powerful bit of imagery, and it does tell a story while leaving the ambiguity.

 

[Mouse]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

I gotta admit, Sid, that I didn't get your story at all. And reading the others comments, I'm even more confused!

 

[Sid Hawkins]

Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST

Thank you, all, for the constructive comments. I'm not sure of the protocol about reflecting back on such comments, but I will do so briefly.

1) The ending is not right. I knew that when I posted it; it was my first attempt and I was up against a deadline. I think Hex (and Parson) has identified why ... it is almost unnecessary, so not an "ending" at all.

2) I was aware of the possible logical flaw in the "first-person, past tense, deceased" structure, but stuck to it anyway - it's a pretty common structure. Here's my reasoning (for further critique if appropriate): first-person obtains empathy quickly, and 75 words has to be quick! Using third-person would risk the story being "person I know nothing about and do not care about does something nasty to another person I know nothing about and don't care about" - a reason I dislike most (bad) horror-genre.

3) I liked the "ropes" line as an efficient way of bringing the tension into the story. I figured the precise methodology of tying the ropes not material, but it is always good to receive critique which suggests other readers interpret such decisions differently (thanks TheDustyZebra). My intention re an involuntary action which was difficult to do was to imply that the motivation of the killer was one which was, at some level, within even the non-psychopath ... maybe that was trying to achieve too much in 75 words!

4) Thank you Parson, that effect was what I was trying to achieve. I guess that if, in 75 words, I achieved my objective for one reader whilst completely baffling another (Mouse) I've probably covered all the bases!!

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

 

[Decosta1228]

Re: Discussion September 2011 Writing Challenge

I hope this is where we can get feedback on our entries, if not..delete or move please.

Terraforming of a different kind


"I see the final conversation rate is 95% on this planet".

"Yes, it is. We did have a period where things were looking a bit...hazy"

“And the next populated planet is where?

“Alpha Centauri, Sir”

"Well plot a course for Alpha Centauri; we've done all we can on this planet 'Earth'”.

"Aye Sir, Course has been accepted"

The alien commander leaned back, removed his mitre from his head and smiled,

“Engage”


Which could I have done better, was it a meh moment that you got when you read it?

This was my first attempt at creative writing, so any type of feedback is always welcome.