Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Mr Orange]

@Luiglin, i got your story completely wrong.

Wishing for peace, he cast.

i took this line literally. which meant i thought it was peace in a time of battle/war he was after. then the frost became an analogy for peace, and peace became that which was irreplaceable. and that meant that the story didn't quite work for me (obviously as i got it so wrong!) mentioning it was a sleeping spell would have sorted that.

 

[Luiglin]

@Luiglin, i got your story completely wrong.



i took this line literally. which meant i thought it was peace in a time of battle/war he was after. then the frost became an analogy for peace, and peace became that which was irreplaceable. and that meant that the story didn't quite work for me (obviously as i got it so wrong!) mentioning it was a sleeping spell would have sorted that.

Cheers @Mr Orange that's the impression I've been getting. Normally I'm about as subtle as a brick to the forehead. I need to find the sweet spot.

 

[The Judge]

I'm afraid I didn't understand your story at all, Luiglin. I'm very much a literal reader, especially in the 75s, so when someone repeatedly mentions frost on a window, I think the point of the story is dealing with frost on the window, not that it's an analogy of the character's life or anything else. So I was very confused about what was going on, what spells he'd got, what peace was involved (?the frost was making a noise and/or disturbing him mentally??!) and what had happened (?he'd successfully melted the frost?!). For me, it would certainly have helped if you'd made it a lot clearer as to what he was doing and why, and I agree with TDZ that leaving the frost analogy out would perhaps have been best.

Do you get someone else to read your work before posting? I know I make fun of him not understanding my stories, but my other half's lack of comprehension actually does mean I have to fight to make the 75s intelligible, and if I still sometimes fail, I nonetheless have a better success rate of intelligibility than if I didn't pass the stories by him. So if you're aiming for subtle in the future, I'd recommend asking someone else to read the story first.

However, even if you'd made it clearer that your mage was depressed and planning to commit suicide, for me this would still have failed the genre test. The only reference to urban life is the high street alchemists, but that's not enough in my view to make it an urban story -- after all, he could be sitting on his farm in the back of beyond, casting spells he picked up on various trips to the nearest market town. For myself, I'd need more issues of city life in there to make it urban fantasy eg he's depressed because he's lonely in the middle of thousands of people, or the relentless grind of the 24/7 city life has broken him.

I'm rather sorry that I didn't pick up on the story properly beforehand. Reading it now, knowing your intentions, it comes over very well. There's a dignified restraint, with his last fleeting glimpse of beauty, but the relentless depression still claims him. Very different from your usual style of work in the 75s. In another Challenge, where to me it fitted the genre better -- and if I'd understood it -- it might well have reached my shortlist.

 

[Cathbad]

I liked it - but apparently for the wrong reason. I thought he was sacrificing himself for the cause of peace!

 

[TitaniumTi]

I appreciated the dichotomy of the frost's beauty and his misery, so removing the reference to frost would have reduced the story's appeal for me. Unfortunately, I thought he was trying to destroy his world, not himself, which didn't fit with the lyrical tone of the story.

 

[Luiglin]

I'm afraid I didn't understand your story at all, Luiglin.

Not a probelm.

Do you get someone else to read your work before posting?

The probelm is that I don't like to bombard my better half with stuff like this and despite my real life mates being heavily into fantasy and sci-fi they don't treat my writing seriously enough to consider wanting to read it.

I'm rather sorry that I didn't pick up on the story properly beforehand. Reading it now, knowing your intentions, it comes over very well. There's a dignified restraint, with his last fleeting glimpse of beauty, but the relentless depression still claims him. Very different from your usual style of work in the 75s. In another Challenge, where to me it fitted the genre better -- and if I'd understood it -- it might well have reached my shortlist.

As I said no problem and cheers for the feedback. It obvioulsy needed more words to add to the background, the reason for his depression to start with, the spells etc

I liked it - but apparently for the wrong reason. I thought he was sacrificing himself for the cause of peace!

I've changed my mind, that's exactly what it was about

I appreciated the dichotomy of the frost's beauty and his misery, so removing the reference to frost would have reduced the story's appeal for me. Unfortunately, I thought he was trying to destroy his world, not himself, which didn't fit with the lyrical tone of the story.

I can see that.

Cheers folks. I promise on the 1st June to get my better half to lob a brick in my direction just to make sure.

 

[Cathbad]

I've changed my mind, that's exactly what it was about

 

[Starbeast]

@Starbeast the problem is that I did leave it and reread Definitely not enough words.

Ah. OK. Then my suggestion would be, if are ever uncertain about what you've written, have a MOD look at it. You could even try to write different versions of the same story too. I done that a couple times myself.

But, if you are comfortable with your creation, and you like it, then go with it.

 

[Cathbad]

But, if you are comfortable with your creation, and you like it, then go with it.

This should be the standard rule for every writer/artist.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Ah. OK. Then my suggestion would be, if are ever uncertain about what you've written, have a MOD look at it.

Err, no, don't do that. We definitely can't take any stand on intelligibility and the like.

You could even try to write different versions of the same story too. I done that a couple times myself.

But, if you are comfortable with your creation, and you like it, then go with it.

Yes, do that. Or that.

 

[Luiglin]

Err, no, don't do that. We definitely can't take any stand on intelligibility and the like.

No fair. I was looking forward to spamming all the Mods.

 

[Ursa major]

We can't fritter away our time on spam....

 

[Luiglin]

We can't fritter away our time on spam....

Oi @Ursa major that's my level of bad punmanship

 

[Starbeast]

Err, no, don't do that. We definitely can't take any stand on intelligibility and the like.

Oh-key Doh-key.

We can't fritter away our time on spam....

So you want the eggs and sausage without the spam.

 

[Danny McG]

Oi @Ursa major that's my level of bad punmanship

Ditto

 

[Peter V]

Hi all.

Since joining this community I have taken great pleasure in entering the 75 and 300 word competitions. Not with any great expectations to win, merely for the sheer pleasure of writing and the challenge of trying to create a story or convey a message with so few words. Even when I have written something I am very happy with, I see other entries and realise it is all relative and that others have written clearly superior offerings.

However, I must admit to a certain sense of satisfaction (probably not the right word but it will do for now) when I get a mention, let alone a vote. Which leads me to this thread.

I actually thought my entry was possibly the strongest I had submitted so far in a 75 and was brought crashing back to Earth with the result. Zero votes and two mentions. By far my worst performance.

So rip away and tell me where I went wrong:


The Last

Big Ben strikes once. It is time.

Nameless, the last mage of the Illuminati takes the phial of magic from within his cloak. The last magic. Distilled for over two hundred years and concentrated into the greatest spell in human history.

This night would end violence and with it war; the greatest age of enlightenment for man beckoned.

Behind soft footsteps. Turning, a flash of silver. Blood spills, a mobile phone gone.

And glass shatters.


The ending can be taken two ways. Most I believe would think the spell destroyed, undone by the very violence it sought to eradicate. The alternative was that the shattering of the phial casts the spell, ironically released by the last act of violence. The latter could even be described as a happy ending . The title refers to the last mage, the last magic and with the alternative ending; the last violence.

Anyway, over to you folks, I know you won't hold back

 

[Cathbad]

It starts out great; but the ending confused me. I hadn't a clue where the mobile phone came in?

 

[The Judge]

I rather liked this and it teetered on the edge of my shortlist, but in the end (ha!) I decided in my very narrow nit-picking way that it wasn't quite there in meeting the genre of Urban Fantasy. You've set it in a city, and the mugging is a crime of a city, but the setting wasn't tied enough into the plot for me. There's no reason given for him to have to work the magic there, as opposed to in a forest or at sea, where violence could also be meted out, thus shattering the glass. It occurs to me as I'm writing this that the Illuminati may be mages of the city, which may well add a stronger urban link -- I'm not one for reading Illuminati tales so I really don't know.

There's very little I can fault with the way the story is written. The "Nameless" is perhaps otiose, and "Behind soft footsteps" really requires a "him," there -- a comma after "Behind" would just about work if you were desperate for words, but you're not, since there are several which aren't strictly required, eg "soft" itself. For me, you could have pruned some of those -- eg "with it" isn't necessary -- and then given more background, perhaps why the magic has to take place in the city streets.

So yes to me a strong story, and one which I would have at least shortlisted had it met my narrow definition of the genre.

Cathbad has just popped in ahead of me. Just to say I wasn't confused, as I understood the mugger was after anything valuable, so a mobile phone is the obvious target, However, he's right in that it would have made it a more complete story if the stolen item was introduced earlier -- eg here as it's the phone, he might have been speaking to his fellows in a dozen different cities around the world.

 

[Peter V]

I rather liked this and it teetered on the edge of my shortlist, but in the end (ha!) I decided in my very narrow nit-picking way that it wasn't quite there in meeting the genre of Urban Fantasy. You've set it in a city, and the mugging is a crime of a city, but the setting wasn't tied enough into the plot for me. There's no reason given for him to have to work the magic there, as opposed to in a forest or at sea, where violence could also be meted out, thus shattering the glass. It occurs to me as I'm writing this that the Illuminati may be mages of the city, which may well add a stronger urban link -- I'm not one for reading Illuminati tales so I really don't know.

There's very little I can fault with the way the story is written. The "Nameless" is perhaps otiose, and "Behind soft footsteps" really requires a "him," there -- a comma after "Behind" would just about work if you were desperate for words, but you're not, since there are several which aren't strictly required, eg "soft" itself. For me, you could have pruned some of those -- eg "with it" isn't necessary -- and then given more background, perhaps why the magic has to take place in the city streets.

So yes to me a strong story, and one which I would have at least shortlisted had it met my narrow definition of the genre.

Cathbad has just popped in ahead of me. Just to say I wasn't confused, as I understood the mugger was after anything valuable, so a mobile phone is the obvious target, However, he's right in that it would have made it a more complete story if the stolen item was introduced earlier -- eg here as it's the phone, he might have been speaking to his fellows in a dozen different cities around the world.

Thank you for your feedback. I realised the omission of the comma after I originally posted the story. To be honest I thought it felt very urban & I do see the Illuminati as being city dwelling & circling very close to decision makers & possibly even government.

 

[Peter V]

It starts out great; but the ending confused me. I hadn't a clue where the mobile phone came in?

A mugging... the magic phial is not a target & the mage a random victim of "urban" violence