Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[Swank]

Please unload on this:

Cabin Pressure

Flares fired, Alice cranks the stick and engages afterburner.

“Lost missile tone!” Karp wheezes.

“Up until we’re sure.”

Shooting through 50,000 feet, Alice tries to level out.

“Air’s too thin.” She pulls the throttle back as the nose just begins to fall. Stars are visible. The engines cut out.


TM687 climbs through 60,000 even with the nose pointed down. No bleed pressure - cockpit air getting thin.

“We better fall before our blood boils.”

 

[JS Wiig]

@Swank I liked it and don’t see any particular issues with the writing or story. Reminded me of the Chuck Yeager stories from my younger years. The Right Stuff FTW!

 

[Parson]

@Swank --- I wish I could say something useful about your story. It seems to have a lot of the elements that would make a story resonate with me, but somehow it doesn't. Embarrassingly, when I read it the first 2-3 times, I thought "no bleed pressure" was a typo for "nose bleed pressure." I also misunderstood the line “Air’s too thin.” She pulls the throttle back as the nose just begins to fall. Stars are visible. The engines cut out. I thought the engines cut out because the air was too thin, so why did she bother to pull the throttle back? But the obvious meaning in the story was that the engines did cut out because of too little oxygen, but only after she throttles back.

I guess the learning is that you need better readers than me. If I were to rate it now, I might have short listed it, but even now I don't quite connect with it.

 

[Swank]

@Swank --- I wish I could say something useful about your story. It seems to have a lot of the elements that would make a story resonate with me, but somehow it doesn't. Embarrassingly, when I read it the first 2-3 times, I thought "no bleed pressure" was a typo for "nose bleed pressure." I also misunderstood the line “Air’s too thin.” She pulls the throttle back as the nose just begins to fall. Stars are visible. The engines cut out. I thought the engines cut out because the air was too thin, so why did she bother to pull the throttle back? But the obvious meaning in the story was that the engines did cut out because of too little oxygen, but only after she throttles back.

I guess the learning is that you need better readers than me. If I were to rate it now, I might have short listed it, but even now I don't quite connect with it.

There was some lingo in there. Short of the missile part, this actually happened to an F-4 crew in the '80s and I tried to use the kind of terms they would. "Bleed pressure" is the air pressure that comes from the compressor section of the jet engines used to provide cabin pressure in all jet aircraft.

The line you quoted is supposed to be a sequence of events, but it read to you as simultaneous. Which maybe means that I needed to break it up line by line instead of just with periods. But the engines cut out because the air is thin AND THEN the throttles got pulled back, so the engines stall out from the combination of indirect air flow, lack of fuel and thin air. You aren't supposed to understand that relationship implicitly - the pilot certainly didn't expect the engines to fail, either, or they wouldn't have reduced the throttles.

So maybe breaking it up, or spending some words explaining why? Or even the Karp yelling "Throttles up!"?

Thanks.

 

[Elckerlyc]

I had the same problem. I didn't understand it and found some lines confusing. I was only after the mentioning of Chuck Yeager that I got grip on the story.
Also the staccato style didn't work for me. Perhaps the cold-blooded attitude of the pilots in dire circumstances (admirable as that may be) caused your story to lack some tension or feeling.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Good day, Swank. Congrats on entering the Challenges. Here’s my honest, gut-reaction 2 cents on your entry (warning: I am long-winded!).

There’s some good writing here (I read this first when I was reading all the stories on my voting day). But I think some stories need more than 75 words to be properly told, and I felt that about Cabin Pressure. Honestly, this seems to me more a story fragment - a scene - than a complete tale. And as Parson put it, I had trouble connecting to the story (and the characters).

I had trouble with the first line:
Flares fired, Alice cranks the stick and engages afterburner.
It took me out of the story right away, for two reasons. With the past-tense verb ‘fired’, I expected the story was being told in past tense. Then we switch right away to present tense. I stopped, thinking Is this a typo? So I had to go back and re-read the first sentence without moving on. With the second reading I realized this was a series of events… Alice had fired the flares, and now she cranks the stick. But then I wondered what the significance of the flares being fired was - was it necessary for the story (did it take up valuable word count needlessly, in other words). Also, I wondered at the end of this sentence if there was a typo, or if maybe a word was left out for word-count purposes:
…Alice cranks the stick and engages afterburner.
Later in the story we have ‘the throttle’… ‘the nose’… ‘the engines’… so why is it just ‘afterburner’? It seemed an awkward phrasing. So, I was a bit distracted after the first sentence.

I had the thought when reading your story that characterization was jettisoned for technical information. I needed to know these people a bit more, to appreciate the situation they were in, and feel their tension/jeopardy.

In the second sentence, I had no idea what “Lost missile tone!” means. So I was alienated by a phrase I’d never heard before, and that didn’t seem easily understood; some readers are technically knowledgeable, some are not… for a story with a lot of technical detail to succeed, IMO, it needs to help the reader understand the details. It also needs, I think, a bit of relatable characterization, and I never felt the characters were as important as the technology here.

Finally, I didn’t get the ending:

TM687 climbs through 60,000 even with the nose pointed down. No bleed pressure - cockpit air getting thin.

“We better fall before our blood boils.”

I never got that this was a jet airplane flight (maybe a test flight?), rather than the flight of a space-capable ship (such as Blue Origin ship, which travels up approx. 340,000 feet). Maybe others understood that. I was wondering why, when we have ships travelling into space fairly often nowadays (or traveling higher than 60,000 feet, anyway), this particular flight would be in a desperate situation where the crew’s blood was about to boil. It doesn’t boil when we travel to the ISS, why would it boil at 60,000 feet? I’m sure there are technical reasons this would happen according to the specific situation told in your story, but it wasn’t obvious to me even after a few readings, and some consideration, so that also hurt my appreciation of your entry.

Finally, structurally the story was made up of a lot of short sentences… perhaps to imply the sense of urgency, and things happening in split seconds of time? I think it might have benefited from a longer sentence here or there…for example:

She pulls the throttle back as the nose just begins to fall. Stars are visible.

I thought the word ‘just’ here could be eliminated, and the two sentences combined (and with the same word count) thusly:

She pulls the throttle back as the nose begins to fall, as stars become visible.

It seems a bit more… maybe literary to me, this way, and breaks up the short sentences a bit.

Anyway, it’s a good effort, and an interesting concept. But maybe there was just too much detail, and not quite enough characterization. Keep entering, and good luck, CC

 

[Swank]

But I think some stories need more than 75 words to be properly told, and I felt that about Cabin Pressure. Honestly, this seems to me more a story fragment - a scene - than a complete tale. And as Parson put it, I had trouble connecting to the story (and the characters).

I've tried this short format contest stuff on other sites - I don't think I really get it. 75 words is enough to either give the reader a glimpse of a larger context, or tell something of a parable or funny story. I don't think I want to write the latter two, but that's what the challenge is really about.

Thanks to you, @JS Wiig @Parson and @Elckerlyc for the feedback.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Hi Swank, some great comments already been made. I agree that it feels like an extract from a larger piece of writing rather than a story in itself. And although I do have issues myself defining the genre of 'speculative fiction', I'm not sure that your entry would fall under that heading? Your writing style is fine and enjoyable to read, but I think that what 'Cabin Pressure' really lacks is an ending.

It's tough writing a story with a beginning, middle and end within 75 words, but it is possible. Ideally you want to set the scene, then leave the reader with a memorable ending. Probably one of the best things to do is to look at the entries that gain the most votes and shortlistings because almost certainly they will have been successful in achieving this objective. The great thing is that there are tons of examples from this and previous months of excellent stories being told in 75 words.

It's all a case of practice and finding ways of setting scenes by using one or two key words rather than one or two sentences. Also try the 100 word challenge, where you can experiment by trying several styles of writing, or try something a bit different like a dialogue piece or even poetry (you can enter as many times as you like in that competition).

Good luck with your future entries.

 

[Swank]

And although I do have issues myself defining the genre of 'speculative fiction', I'm not sure that your entry would fall under that heading?

Is speculative fiction a catch-all that includes SF? Is a story about the way scientific concepts interact with the real world not SF?

 

[paranoid marvin]

Is speculative fiction a catch-all that includes SF? Is a story about the way scientific concepts interact with the real world not SF?

Tbh I'm not the best person to define speculative fiction, but there was a discussion (started by me) earlier this month in the 75 Word Challenge thread where people aired their views on SF. My understanding of your story was a jet fighter evading a missile by climbing higher than it is wise to, which (for me) wouldn't be SF; if it had been a spacecraft or something else sci-fi/fantasy-ish then it would be. Apologies if I've misread or misunderstood your story or what SF should be defined as.

 

[Swank]

Tbh I'm not the best person to define speculative fiction, but there was a discussion (started by me) earlier this month in the 75 Word Challenge thread where people aired their views on SF. My understanding of your story was a jet fighter evading a missile by climbing higher than it is wise to, which (for me) wouldn't be SF; if it had been a spacecraft or something else sci-fi/fantasy-ish then it would be. Apologies if I've misread or misunderstood your story or what SF should be defined as.

To me, a story that extrapolates on science as the lever in the plot is SF. Like the film Gravity or the book Bellwether. So a jet fighter story isn't SF, but the science predicament a powerful jet could get into would be. But that's me.

 

[paranoid marvin]

To me, a story that extrapolates on science as the lever in the plot is SF. Like the film Gravity or the book Bellwether. So a jet fighter story isn't SF, but the science predicament a powerful jet could get into would be. But that's me.

Yes, I see what you mean. Tbh of all the genres that we write in in the Challenges, 'speculative fiction' is the only one that struggle to pin down.

 

[mosaix]

Please unload on this:

Cabin Pressure

Flares fired, Alice cranks the stick and engages afterburner.

“Lost missile tone!” Karp wheezes.

“Up until we’re sure.”

Shooting through 50,000 feet, Alice tries to level out.

“Air’s too thin.” She pulls the throttle back as the nose just begins to fall. Stars are visible. The engines cut out.


TM687 climbs through 60,000 even with the nose pointed down. No bleed pressure - cockpit air getting thin.

“We better fall before our blood boils.”

@Swank welcome to the challenges. Over and above everything everyone else had said I would like to make a minor but important point.

You have to ask yourself whether using the technically correct term ‘bleed pressure’ is going to be understood by everybody. Little-known terms are likely to confuse and detract from the story.

 

[Swank]

@Swank welcome to the challenges. Over and above everything everyone else had said I would like to make a minor but important point.

You have to ask yourself whether using the technically correct term ‘bleed pressure’ is going to be understood by everybody. Little-known terms are likely to confuse and detract from the story.

Many SF writers like Gibson use jargon as part of their storytelling. It does require that the reader either accept that they don't follow every phrase or they look it up if they are curious. Using proper terminology I think brings realism, and we experience not understanding everything we hear often enough in normal life.

But those choices mean that not everyone like William Gibson. Same applies to what I write.


I just don't think I should do this short form. I really don't like the stuff people vote for - it seems to punchline-y. I've already done the 100 anon as well. I'll keep trying 300 word.

Thanks!

 

[mosaix]

Many SF writers like Gibson use jargon as part of their storytelling. It does require that the reader either accept that they don't follow every phrase or they look it up if they are curious. Using proper terminology I think brings realism, and we experience not understanding everything we hear often enough in normal life.

All that is true @Swank. But Gibson has the luxury of several thousand words to fill in the background of a story so that the 'jargon' can, in part, be assumed or 'interpreted'. In the form we have here (75 words) painting background is difficult and words have to be chosen very carefully. Also whilst, I know, some Chrons members do look up some words and phrases don't forget that when it comes to voting people are reading something like 45 stories and immediate impact is important.

 

[Hugh]

I just don't think I should do this short form. I really don't like the stuff people vote for - it seems to punchline-y. I've already done the 100 anon as well. I'll keep trying 300 word.

Thanks!

Personally, the most important criterion for me is whether I feel satisfied with my story and whether I look back at it with pleasure in the months/years after. Of course I'm really pleased if others like the story too, but, as has been said here a number of times, there's no accounting for the taste of others...

 

[Phyrebrat]

I was going to say this, too. I think @Hugh is right on the money.

If I’d have had time to read and vote this month @Swank, your entry would’ve probably been in my shortlist, but I wouldn’t consider it speculative and the tense stuff read like an error, so I’d have not given it my winning vote.

I stopped doing the 75ers regularly a few years ago — I think the point of them (for me) was more about efficiency and learning than trying to win (which I hardly ever did).

I’m happy to be dropped in the deep end, plus I love learning. I’m not very science-y but I love watching SF and I’ve enjoyed all the ACC books I’ve read, and Ringworld introduced things in the book that required me to stop and find out what they were (Lagrange points, eg).

Part of the problem is this day and age of micro-attention span fostered by the likes of TikTok and IG etc have introduced this stupid notion about ‘if I’m taken out the story for one second, it’s bad writing.’ (Hint: It’s not.)

As an 11 year old who inhaled Stephen King in a time where there was no worldwide web I learnt by context what an 11 year old Brit wouldn’t normally understand; from sex to all things Americana.

With only one vote, people are looking to discount our entries, so you have to walk a very fine line (if you’re after votes).

We all have our biases — so much of it is about that, rather than a writer’s skill when it comes to voting.

 

[Swank]

If I’d have had time to read and vote this month @Swank, your entry would’ve probably been in my shortlist, but I wouldn’t consider it speculative and the tense stuff read like an error, so I’d have not given it my winning vote.

Please understand that I am not sour grapes about not getting any mentions or votes in this or other similar contests. I'm more just reflecting on what can and can't be accomplished in 75 words, and the expectations of people reading 75 words. I don't want to bore or confuse anyone, nor do I want to write something that feeling incomplete or stilted.

I have taken these kind of 75 or 100 word challenges as an invitation to write something that packs as much world, story and style into the smallest possible vessel, but I think I've misunderstood the point and am producing things that don't bring anyone pleasure, because people don't want to have to unpack something so unimportant just to 'get it'. That's work, and not why people read things.

 

[Phyrebrat]

have taken these kind of 75 or 100 word challenges as an invitation to write something that packs as much world, story and style into the smallest possible vessel, but I think I've misunderstood the point and am producing things that don't bring anyone pleasure, because people don't want to have to unpack something so unimportant just to 'get it'. That's work, and not why people read things

Yep, I got that. And actually it might be great practice for you to make it so it can be dense yet ‘enjoyable’.

As I said these things are enjoyable to certain people. I liked the scientific use of the concept of pressure (if I’d have written something it would have probably been about depression or ptsd) in your story.

Can’t agree with you on the reason people read tho; I look forward to learning (‘work’) when reading fiction, and to be honest I find the whole ‘it takes me out the story’ or variations thereof as utterly ridiculous. However, I suppose just as there are many definitions and reasons of writing, there are as many definitions of types of reader.

Reading isn’t just about escapism for me; I enjoy the thoughts and existential arguments that prose brings up.

I’m currently rereading House of Leaves. It’s a breeze-block of a book that has hundreds of deep and lengthy (pages!) of footnotes; some of which have their own footnotes. And there are appendices, too. It’s an award wining book. I’d argue Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell is also ‘hard work’ inasmuch as Clarke uses many footnotes across many pages.

Everything ain’t for everyone but the panacea to that is to remember we write for ourselves first, then others.

 

[Phyrebrat]

@Swank OT a little but it speaks to my earlier point : Speaking of House of Leaves… This is a typical page from the masterpiece:

It’s full of footnotes and number-y things let alone science which are hell on toast for a dyscalculiac like me, but then it is an existential horror…