sloweye
Lord Shaman.
Ah, i see... going for the 'Escape from New York' angle eh? 
Peractio: My Survival Story
- Thread starter Bella Donna
- Start date
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Bella Donna
Mostly Harmless
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2010
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Sort of. I'm not quite sure where this is going yet, to be honest. I'll put the next chapter up to show you what we're dealing with.
Chapter 2.
After she had drawn the curtains, Laura switched on her computer and logged on to Don't Trust The Government. She had chosen Peractio as a penname because it was Latin for “The End.” It was funny – at the time. How long had it been since she went to the conspiracy sites? The contributors no doubt wore tinfoil hats and dwelt in basements full of survival rations and guns. Lots of guns. The thought of having to admit that the end-timers were actually right grated on her nerves. She was fairly certain of what she'd find there if she did look: “Told you we were right!”
Nonetheless, they might be able to shed some light on this. She went to her user control panel and found a dozen private messages. Most were asking her how she was doing and a few asked if the zombies were all over England.
With a sigh, Laura went to the Zombie Holocaust! subforum and answered a post from Appomattox1865.
“We are indeed overrun, but essential services are still running, for some reason. I've not seen any army or police doing anything. I switch the telly on sometimes but they're repeating stuff on a loop. All of my neighbours are dead. If there are any still alive, I haven't seen them.”
“Peractio!” replied Appomattox, and added a dozen dancing banana smilies for good measure.
The absurdity made Laura want to laugh. It had been a while since anything had amused her.
ET2012 replied, “Peractio, how are you doing there?”
As familiar as her scraggy old cardigan, the people she used to talk to on the forum came on. Yes, they were nutters, but they were her nutters. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth and for the first time in ages, she felt safe. “I'm stuck in my flat. They don't like daylight so it's reasonably safe to go out then. I raided the supermarket but it's running out of stuff. All the perishables are either gone or off.”
“That's dangerous,” said Appomattox. “The slightest noise attracts them. Do you have any weapons?”
“Claw hammer,” she replied. “I've had to use it a few times.”
“Exercise and keep fit. They can run,” said ET2012.
“I know,” she told them. “They killed my neighbour Tom. I had to leave him.”
“You did what you had to,” said Appomatox. “If you're bit, that's it.”
“What's it like for you?” she asked.
“It hasn't reached us yet,” said ET2012. “The National Guard is all over the place demanding that we hand over sick people to them. They're showing all kinds of nasty ** on the TV to make sure we do. Folks is scared, and they do crazy things when they're scared. Well, I did say things was going to end soon, didn't I? Well, who's laughing now? I'm here in my basement with supplies of everything I need and enough guns to hold off an army of whatever comes to get me.”
Laura burst out laughing. Here they were in a life-or-death situation and the mods had the profanity filter on. They could report that their friends were being torn limb from limb, but couldn't swear when doing so! Then she clamped her hand over her mouth. If the creatures heard her, she was dead.
“We've had a few here,” said Appomatox, “but not for long. We shot every one of them ** down. We've blocked the roads to keep them out, so hopefully they won't even get here. They're concentrated in the cities. I'm right out in Hicksville.”
“How are you defending your place, Peractio?” asked ET2012.
“I've got the sofa jammed against the door,” she replied.
“They can get in through the windows,” said Appomatox.
“I'm on the twentieth floor.”
“That'll be fine while the electricity works,” said ET2012. “When that goes, it's a long climb up.”
“I'd say that's why it's still on,” said Appomatox. “To stop people wanting to leave. You still have a government, they're just containing you. See what happens to anyone who tries to leave wherever it is you live.”
Giving these nutters her personal details had never crossed Laura's mind, but now that she needed them, she wasn't afraid to let them know where she lived. They'd have to get past the police, the army and the creatures to get at her. “Manchester. Oh, something funny happened today. I found a dead body in the supermarket. It was just lying there with flies all over it. The creatures haven't been near it, as far as I know. There was nothing left of Tom.”
“That's weird,” said ET2012.
“I'm not doing anything to find out if they've all just buggered off,” she said.
“That's unlikely,” said Appomatox. “Is there anything we can do for you?”
“I need to find someone to stay with,” said Laura. “I can't stand being alone.”
“Start a blog,” suggested ET2012. “Give a full report on how things are going for you and what it's like out there. Eventually, someone will come for you.”
“I don't like giving out my personal details,” she replied. “You don't know who's out there.”
“What else can you do?” asked Appomatox.
Laura thought about it. If she didn't make all her details public, no one would find her unless she wanted them to. If Manchester was indeed under quarantine, there would be fewer crazies to attack her. However, the problem would be concentrated. Anyone who wanted to survive this would have to be as savage as the creatures. She had seen that already. “I'll start a blog as you suggested, ET. I'll use this penname and see who responds, then take it from there.”
“Attagirl,” said ET2012. “The last thing you want is some psycho taking advantage of the mayhem to attack you. But if there are decent folks out there, that's who you want to be with till this is over.”
They moved to the chat thread to talk about less serious issues, then Laura went and set up her blog.
Afterwards, she went to watch television. Recorded or not, it reminded her of better times. She had to put a blanket over the curtains, keep the volume down and sit right up close to the television, though, in case there were any creatures still in the building.
Chapter 2.
After she had drawn the curtains, Laura switched on her computer and logged on to Don't Trust The Government. She had chosen Peractio as a penname because it was Latin for “The End.” It was funny – at the time. How long had it been since she went to the conspiracy sites? The contributors no doubt wore tinfoil hats and dwelt in basements full of survival rations and guns. Lots of guns. The thought of having to admit that the end-timers were actually right grated on her nerves. She was fairly certain of what she'd find there if she did look: “Told you we were right!”
Nonetheless, they might be able to shed some light on this. She went to her user control panel and found a dozen private messages. Most were asking her how she was doing and a few asked if the zombies were all over England.
With a sigh, Laura went to the Zombie Holocaust! subforum and answered a post from Appomattox1865.
“We are indeed overrun, but essential services are still running, for some reason. I've not seen any army or police doing anything. I switch the telly on sometimes but they're repeating stuff on a loop. All of my neighbours are dead. If there are any still alive, I haven't seen them.”
“Peractio!” replied Appomattox, and added a dozen dancing banana smilies for good measure.
The absurdity made Laura want to laugh. It had been a while since anything had amused her.
ET2012 replied, “Peractio, how are you doing there?”
As familiar as her scraggy old cardigan, the people she used to talk to on the forum came on. Yes, they were nutters, but they were her nutters. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth and for the first time in ages, she felt safe. “I'm stuck in my flat. They don't like daylight so it's reasonably safe to go out then. I raided the supermarket but it's running out of stuff. All the perishables are either gone or off.”
“That's dangerous,” said Appomattox. “The slightest noise attracts them. Do you have any weapons?”
“Claw hammer,” she replied. “I've had to use it a few times.”
“Exercise and keep fit. They can run,” said ET2012.
“I know,” she told them. “They killed my neighbour Tom. I had to leave him.”
“You did what you had to,” said Appomatox. “If you're bit, that's it.”
“What's it like for you?” she asked.
“It hasn't reached us yet,” said ET2012. “The National Guard is all over the place demanding that we hand over sick people to them. They're showing all kinds of nasty ** on the TV to make sure we do. Folks is scared, and they do crazy things when they're scared. Well, I did say things was going to end soon, didn't I? Well, who's laughing now? I'm here in my basement with supplies of everything I need and enough guns to hold off an army of whatever comes to get me.”
Laura burst out laughing. Here they were in a life-or-death situation and the mods had the profanity filter on. They could report that their friends were being torn limb from limb, but couldn't swear when doing so! Then she clamped her hand over her mouth. If the creatures heard her, she was dead.
“We've had a few here,” said Appomatox, “but not for long. We shot every one of them ** down. We've blocked the roads to keep them out, so hopefully they won't even get here. They're concentrated in the cities. I'm right out in Hicksville.”
“How are you defending your place, Peractio?” asked ET2012.
“I've got the sofa jammed against the door,” she replied.
“They can get in through the windows,” said Appomatox.
“I'm on the twentieth floor.”
“That'll be fine while the electricity works,” said ET2012. “When that goes, it's a long climb up.”
“I'd say that's why it's still on,” said Appomatox. “To stop people wanting to leave. You still have a government, they're just containing you. See what happens to anyone who tries to leave wherever it is you live.”
Giving these nutters her personal details had never crossed Laura's mind, but now that she needed them, she wasn't afraid to let them know where she lived. They'd have to get past the police, the army and the creatures to get at her. “Manchester. Oh, something funny happened today. I found a dead body in the supermarket. It was just lying there with flies all over it. The creatures haven't been near it, as far as I know. There was nothing left of Tom.”
“That's weird,” said ET2012.
“I'm not doing anything to find out if they've all just buggered off,” she said.
“That's unlikely,” said Appomatox. “Is there anything we can do for you?”
“I need to find someone to stay with,” said Laura. “I can't stand being alone.”
“Start a blog,” suggested ET2012. “Give a full report on how things are going for you and what it's like out there. Eventually, someone will come for you.”
“I don't like giving out my personal details,” she replied. “You don't know who's out there.”
“What else can you do?” asked Appomatox.
Laura thought about it. If she didn't make all her details public, no one would find her unless she wanted them to. If Manchester was indeed under quarantine, there would be fewer crazies to attack her. However, the problem would be concentrated. Anyone who wanted to survive this would have to be as savage as the creatures. She had seen that already. “I'll start a blog as you suggested, ET. I'll use this penname and see who responds, then take it from there.”
“Attagirl,” said ET2012. “The last thing you want is some psycho taking advantage of the mayhem to attack you. But if there are decent folks out there, that's who you want to be with till this is over.”
They moved to the chat thread to talk about less serious issues, then Laura went and set up her blog.
Afterwards, she went to watch television. Recorded or not, it reminded her of better times. She had to put a blanket over the curtains, keep the volume down and sit right up close to the television, though, in case there were any creatures still in the building.
sloweye
Lord Shaman.
I assume the other guy is in the US? buy the national guard bit.
I do find myself asking how the virus started if its in the US as well as here and how it was known that it was only in manchester, and had the time to wall the city up before it spred. (also why the goverment is not dropping food/ medications in during daylight if they think there are survivors)
Oh, one more thing. how come nobody outside manchester is posting on the forum from the UK.
Oh dear, i'm comming over all Dave-ish
I do find myself asking how the virus started if its in the US as well as here and how it was known that it was only in manchester, and had the time to wall the city up before it spred. (also why the goverment is not dropping food/ medications in during daylight if they think there are survivors)
Oh, one more thing. how come nobody outside manchester is posting on the forum from the UK.
Oh dear, i'm comming over all Dave-ish
Bella Donna
Mostly Harmless
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2010
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- 186
Why not?
As the story unfolds, you will notice a lot of stuff that makes you go, "Whut?"
That's what I want to happen. You'll see why later on.
All will be explained as time goes on. To avoid info-dumping, I can't let on what's happening, though I will post "excerpts" from blogs and internet articles that Laura will be reading.
As the story unfolds, you will notice a lot of stuff that makes you go, "Whut?"
That's what I want to happen. You'll see why later on.
All will be explained as time goes on. To avoid info-dumping, I can't let on what's happening, though I will post "excerpts" from blogs and internet articles that Laura will be reading.
sloweye
Lord Shaman.
Well it is definatly making me ask the questions
Oxman
Thread Killer
Not read chapter 2 yet, but have responded to your final draft of chapter 1...
This draft is a lot better; much tighter and it irons out some niggles I had with the original. Still think there are areas where it could improve though. These are just my suggestions of course:
The start is a better hook. I like the prolonged use of "They" and "Them" before we realise it's a type of zombie. The bit about speaking to anyone comes a little out of the blue though in this paragraph; it might be better split into a new paragraph?
I'm sorry to say I'm in the camp that doesn't like the electricity still being on, especially if there are no emergency services of any sort. You say you have a reason for it, and that's fine, but I remember one of those "life after people" documentaries focussing on power stations and if I recall correctly, the power didn't last long without people to run the plants. Like I say, if you have an idea or plot point involving the power plants, I'd like to see what you come up with!
Couple of niggles here. You've cut the "tears streaming" line, so is there a need to have Laura wipe her face and blow her nose? (I don't like the nose blowing anyway for some reason) Maybe have her wipe her sweaty face as you've indicated she already is a bit out of breath and sweating? Secondly, you mentioned before that the zombie virus is fairly potent, hence the mask - yet Laura doesn't clean the blood off the hammer? The bloodstained imagery is nice, but not practical if Laura was trying to steer clear of, er, zombie fluids.
This draft is a lot better; much tighter and it irons out some niggles I had with the original. Still think there are areas where it could improve though. These are just my suggestions of course:
The start is a better hook. I like the prolonged use of "They" and "Them" before we realise it's a type of zombie. The bit about speaking to anyone comes a little out of the blue though in this paragraph; it might be better split into a new paragraph?
I'm sorry to say I'm in the camp that doesn't like the electricity still being on, especially if there are no emergency services of any sort. You say you have a reason for it, and that's fine, but I remember one of those "life after people" documentaries focussing on power stations and if I recall correctly, the power didn't last long without people to run the plants. Like I say, if you have an idea or plot point involving the power plants, I'd like to see what you come up with!
Couple of niggles here. You've cut the "tears streaming" line, so is there a need to have Laura wipe her face and blow her nose? (I don't like the nose blowing anyway for some reason) Maybe have her wipe her sweaty face as you've indicated she already is a bit out of breath and sweating? Secondly, you mentioned before that the zombie virus is fairly potent, hence the mask - yet Laura doesn't clean the blood off the hammer? The bloodstained imagery is nice, but not practical if Laura was trying to steer clear of, er, zombie fluids.
Bella Donna
Mostly Harmless
- Joined
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- 186
Thanks. Okay, she's posted her blog, and the conspiracy guys have spotted it. They're all mightily hacked off, and she has to post a grovelling apology. The blog post is the prologue, which I haven't posted here.
You're about to discover that the nutters have hair-trigger tempers and flare up like Roman candles at the slightest provocation. I'm going to skip past the internet insanity to show you this:
Things always seemed better after a cup of tea, so Laura went to get one, then returned to her computer. She typed an apology and promised to put a retraction in her blog, then went straight there.
Well, I got some responses, mostly from the people who saw this coming. The conspiracy enthusiasts were right all along. They knew this was going to happen and tried to warn us. We didn't listen. I owe them all a huge apology. We all do. Now that my life is in constant danger, I find I have to rely on their wisdom. Nothing else will get me out of this alive.
When she had posted it, Laura finished her tea, then sat back and considered what to do. The image of the body lying undisturbed in the supermarket haunted her. Why had it not been dragged away and devoured? Had the creatures succumbed to the disease that had robbed them of humanity and truly died, or what else was going on? The thought of living in a giant mausoleum with bodies rotting in every room appalled her. She had only decided to stay here because it was relatively safe.
Before she could investigate, she had to ensure her own survival. It made no sense to go out alone. She would simply have to find someone to go with her, to watch her back, as Tom had done. A pang of regret stung her conscience for a moment, then she snapped back to reality. If essential services were still working, it might be worth the risk of using the telephone. Mobile phones could be set to silent, and would be safer than landlines. All the numbers she knew were programmed into her phone, so she went through them one by one to see what happened. Just when she was about to give up, she got an answer.
“Hello?”
Laura's heart leapt within her. “Hello, Dave?”
“I'm not Dave,” said the man on the other end.
Somewhat disappointed, but curious nonetheless, Laura asked, “Who are you?
“I'm Ranjit Singh,” he replied. “How did you get this number?”
“I think I misdialled,” she stuttered, fighting to remain calm when she wanted to laugh, cry and scream with sheer joy. “Ranjit, it's so good to hear a human voice again. Where are you?”
“Sale,” he said. An edge of suspicion hardened his voice.
“I'm in Ordsall in a tower block. I've been able to get in and out. What's it like for you?”
“I'm in the attic, praying that my own parents don't hear me. They've tried to kill me several times already. I've been drinking from the cold water storage tank. On the few occasions I've ventured out, I've had to run for my life from people I know. I had to steal chocolate bars from the corner shop. I don't check the ingredients any more. I used to be so strict about that...”
The sounds of Ranjit's muffled sobs in the background broke Laura's heart. “Ranjit?”
“They broke through the barriers. I've been up here for three days praying that my own flesh and blood doesn't come up to devour me. I don't know what I am any more, lady.”
“Ranjit, listen to me...”
“I don't even know who you are.”
“I'm Laura Warden. I'm a survivor just like you and believe me, all the rules have changed. Everything you ever thought was good and right will get you killed. Your only hope is to find a safe place that you can defend and raid the shops when you can. You can't use money or credit cards any more.”
“Laura...”
“Ranjit, please. I'm fed up of being on my own. I want to find other people to be with – to remind me I'm human, not just a smarter creature than the ones out there. Can you get to a car?”
“Yes, I think so. Laura, the power on my phone is running low.”
“Get to the Sainsburys at Regent Road,” she instructed. “Regent Road. Ranjit?”
He didn't reply.
Would it be worth the risk to go out and see if he came? She charged her phone up to be on the safe side, then put on the police riot gear she had found lying in the street when she and Tom had first crept out to find food in the first few days after the world had gone mad. It still smelt of disinfectant. When she had cleared the furniture away from her front door, Laura hefted her claw hammer and opened it. Outside were three slavering, wild-eyed creatures. One leapt inside before she could get the door closed.
You're about to discover that the nutters have hair-trigger tempers and flare up like Roman candles at the slightest provocation. I'm going to skip past the internet insanity to show you this:
Things always seemed better after a cup of tea, so Laura went to get one, then returned to her computer. She typed an apology and promised to put a retraction in her blog, then went straight there.
Well, I got some responses, mostly from the people who saw this coming. The conspiracy enthusiasts were right all along. They knew this was going to happen and tried to warn us. We didn't listen. I owe them all a huge apology. We all do. Now that my life is in constant danger, I find I have to rely on their wisdom. Nothing else will get me out of this alive.
When she had posted it, Laura finished her tea, then sat back and considered what to do. The image of the body lying undisturbed in the supermarket haunted her. Why had it not been dragged away and devoured? Had the creatures succumbed to the disease that had robbed them of humanity and truly died, or what else was going on? The thought of living in a giant mausoleum with bodies rotting in every room appalled her. She had only decided to stay here because it was relatively safe.
Before she could investigate, she had to ensure her own survival. It made no sense to go out alone. She would simply have to find someone to go with her, to watch her back, as Tom had done. A pang of regret stung her conscience for a moment, then she snapped back to reality. If essential services were still working, it might be worth the risk of using the telephone. Mobile phones could be set to silent, and would be safer than landlines. All the numbers she knew were programmed into her phone, so she went through them one by one to see what happened. Just when she was about to give up, she got an answer.
“Hello?”
Laura's heart leapt within her. “Hello, Dave?”
“I'm not Dave,” said the man on the other end.
Somewhat disappointed, but curious nonetheless, Laura asked, “Who are you?
“I'm Ranjit Singh,” he replied. “How did you get this number?”
“I think I misdialled,” she stuttered, fighting to remain calm when she wanted to laugh, cry and scream with sheer joy. “Ranjit, it's so good to hear a human voice again. Where are you?”
“Sale,” he said. An edge of suspicion hardened his voice.
“I'm in Ordsall in a tower block. I've been able to get in and out. What's it like for you?”
“I'm in the attic, praying that my own parents don't hear me. They've tried to kill me several times already. I've been drinking from the cold water storage tank. On the few occasions I've ventured out, I've had to run for my life from people I know. I had to steal chocolate bars from the corner shop. I don't check the ingredients any more. I used to be so strict about that...”
The sounds of Ranjit's muffled sobs in the background broke Laura's heart. “Ranjit?”
“They broke through the barriers. I've been up here for three days praying that my own flesh and blood doesn't come up to devour me. I don't know what I am any more, lady.”
“Ranjit, listen to me...”
“I don't even know who you are.”
“I'm Laura Warden. I'm a survivor just like you and believe me, all the rules have changed. Everything you ever thought was good and right will get you killed. Your only hope is to find a safe place that you can defend and raid the shops when you can. You can't use money or credit cards any more.”
“Laura...”
“Ranjit, please. I'm fed up of being on my own. I want to find other people to be with – to remind me I'm human, not just a smarter creature than the ones out there. Can you get to a car?”
“Yes, I think so. Laura, the power on my phone is running low.”
“Get to the Sainsburys at Regent Road,” she instructed. “Regent Road. Ranjit?”
He didn't reply.
Would it be worth the risk to go out and see if he came? She charged her phone up to be on the safe side, then put on the police riot gear she had found lying in the street when she and Tom had first crept out to find food in the first few days after the world had gone mad. It still smelt of disinfectant. When she had cleared the furniture away from her front door, Laura hefted her claw hammer and opened it. Outside were three slavering, wild-eyed creatures. One leapt inside before she could get the door closed.
Bella Donna
Mostly Harmless
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- 186
sloweye
Lord Shaman.
I got to this bit and chuckled......
Coz of this......
Coz of this......
Bella Donna
Mostly Harmless
- Joined
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- 186
Methought you would have thought of this first, considering your icon.
YouTube - They're dead, Dave - Red Dwarf - BBC comedy
YouTube - They're dead, Dave - Red Dwarf - BBC comedy
sloweye
Lord Shaman.
The Dwarf one is my current ringtone, but the Cheech one is the boot up sound on my laptop (i'm a TV junkie)
Bella Donna
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I've seen a bit of Cheech and Chong. Given the general subject matter, here's a little something for you: YouTube - Afro Man - Because I Got High
sloweye
Lord Shaman.
Oh hell no!
That was only good as the titles went up on 'Jay and Silent Bob strike back'
That was only good as the titles went up on 'Jay and Silent Bob strike back'
Bella Donna
Mostly Harmless
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Heh! I haven't seen that, but I did see "Clerks." Very funny.
sloweye
Lord Shaman.
Clerks is fantastic. do you know the story of how it came about?
Humm, maybe this is for PM discussion
Humm, maybe this is for PM discussion
I will here confess that I have never read a zombie book, nor seen a zombie film. I therefore can't say what is and is not cliched. But, to be frank, this doesn't strike me as seeming fresh, nor particularly gripping. And even in its present incarnation, it strikes me as something of an info-dump.
red = suggested amendments/additions
[blue] = suggested deletions
[purple] = general comments
[when I started this critique, you'd not long put up the revised version of chapter 1, therefore this may duplicate the thoughts of others who have snuck in ahead of me]
1. A general rule about paragraphs is that you group things together, and a different subject means a different para. Of course, like all so-called rules in writing, it's not an absolute, but it is worth treating it with respect. You frequently veer into a different issue within a paragraph and it makes for jumbled, chaotic writing -- this could work if you wanted to show her jumbled chaotic thoughts, but I don't think it does here. eg that first paragraph -- these are discrete matters: the sentences about the trolley do not have any link to the sentence about Tom. If the can be liked, link them. If not, give them separate paras. You don't want a succession of one- or two-sentence paras though, so be careful how you group things.
2. Word use. When writing in close-ish third person you have to be careful to use words which the character him/herself would use. I don't know what job Laura had, but nothing about her appears to suggest someone with more than an average vocabulary. To be frank, I cannot see her being on nodding terms with "appalling maisma", "conundrum" and "post-apocalyptic". I may of course be wrong and she is a highly intelligent, professional woman -- in which case you need to write her so she appears this way. Otherwise, this read as you, the author, commenting and it sticks out like a sore digit. This applies to phrases as well -- you need to make description etc fit character. "The weather was foul" denotes a different kind of person from one shown by "The rain was pi**ing down".
Er... could I suggest, Bella, that you slow down. Putting up a revised version of a scene before all the possible critiques is in is one thing, though I'd have suggested you wait a day or two to get more reaction. Posting an immediate second chapter is another. Then posting an immediate third extract would usually be a one-way ticket to getting the thread locked. Amending a few sentences to accomodate people's critiques isn't the same thing as learning and understanding why things have been said. You need time to digest the critiques. We need time to look at your work.
red = suggested amendments/additions
[blue] = suggested deletions
[purple] = general comments
[when I started this critique, you'd not long put up the revised version of chapter 1, therefore this may duplicate the thoughts of others who have snuck in ahead of me]
1. A general rule about paragraphs is that you group things together, and a different subject means a different para. Of course, like all so-called rules in writing, it's not an absolute, but it is worth treating it with respect. You frequently veer into a different issue within a paragraph and it makes for jumbled, chaotic writing -- this could work if you wanted to show her jumbled chaotic thoughts, but I don't think it does here. eg that first paragraph -- these are discrete matters: the sentences about the trolley do not have any link to the sentence about Tom. If the can be liked, link them. If not, give them separate paras. You don't want a succession of one- or two-sentence paras though, so be careful how you group things.
2. Word use. When writing in close-ish third person you have to be careful to use words which the character him/herself would use. I don't know what job Laura had, but nothing about her appears to suggest someone with more than an average vocabulary. To be frank, I cannot see her being on nodding terms with "appalling maisma", "conundrum" and "post-apocalyptic". I may of course be wrong and she is a highly intelligent, professional woman -- in which case you need to write her so she appears this way. Otherwise, this read as you, the author, commenting and it sticks out like a sore digit. This applies to phrases as well -- you need to make description etc fit character. "The weather was foul" denotes a different kind of person from one shown by "The rain was pi**ing down".
Er... could I suggest, Bella, that you slow down. Putting up a revised version of a scene before all the possible critiques is in is one thing, though I'd have suggested you wait a day or two to get more reaction. Posting an immediate second chapter is another. Then posting an immediate third extract would usually be a one-way ticket to getting the thread locked. Amending a few sentences to accomodate people's critiques isn't the same thing as learning and understanding why things have been said. You need time to digest the critiques. We need time to look at your work.
Bella Donna
Mostly Harmless
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2010
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Thanks for the help, Judge. I'll work on the story and leave it for a day or two before posting more.
Edit: BTW I used to get a lot of flak for not using prose. When can I use it, or should I ditch it altogether?
Edit: BTW I used to get a lot of flak for not using prose. When can I use it, or should I ditch it altogether?
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From a man who has been accussed of using the odd info dump now and again, I thought the second draft of the first post was pretty good. I am a lover of all things zombie from Romero to the present series on FX The Walking Dead. I thought your story hit the right notes in this genre.The others have commented on style and word craft and I have learned an awful lot from such critiques. For myself it is how the story flows and this hit the nail on the head for me. Going back to read Chapter 2 now.
I'm not sure what you mean by this -- everything you have written is prose, as a word it simply means any writing which isn't poetry.
If, possibly, you mean the use of imagery and poetic wording ie so-called literary writing, then my advice is don't, not unless it comes easily to you. Trying to aim for a style which is not your own natural way of talking/writing can quickly seem forced and artificial. You also have to weigh up the kind of book you are writing, the potential readership, and the characters themselves. If you look at work by someone like Malloriel, her writing is very allusive and poetic, and imagery can be used to create vast edifices of splendour. But just sticking the odd metaphor into otherwise basic prose on the basis that this is what you think "ought" to be done, is only going to make it seem odd. Unless, of course, it is in a character's POV -- so if someone is of a poetic bent, then having him exclaim on the limpid beauty of the night would be in keeping (if regrettably erroneous...)
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