Athanasia

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Mouse

Mouse

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Right then. My first attempt at sci-fi. It's not serious, technical type sci-fi, more of the character driven type stuff.

I can't post all of it as I'm writing it to send to an anthology. But here's a snippet...

As usual, let me know what sucks! :D

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Clunk clunk... clunk clunk...
It sounded as though something was using a very large wrench to hammer out a very bad tune on the other side of the wall. Silver was used to hearing strange noises. Her cabin was close to the engine and that thing made all sorts of unusual noises. Particularly when she was trying to sleep. But this wasn’t the engine.

Clunk clunk...
The clock on the wall said that it was 4am. She knew that she’d have to start work in a couple of hours. She hated her job. TV back home had lied to her. Life aboard a spaceship was supposed to be exciting. All those adverts about working in space, about how glamorous, how awe-inspiring it was? All lies. A toilet on a space ship was still a toilet. And they still needed cleaning.

Clunk clunk...
Silver groaned and pressed the pillow over her face. Only one thing kept her from quitting her job. Two things, if she included her contract, but the main thing was the ship’s captain.

Justice Jamerson. Quite possibly, Silver thought, the most beautiful woman in the universe. She loved everything about her. Her name, her hair, her smile, her body... especially her body. And that captain’s uniform!

Silver sighed. She peeked out from beneath her pillow and looked over at her own uniform hanging from the back of the door. It was grey. In fact, it blended perfectly with the colour of the walls in her cabin.

Clunk clunk...
Captain Jamerson wouldn’t even notice her strolling through the ship’s corridors. Silver would just melt into the background, a grey shape against grey walls.

Although, she mused, even if the uniform was bright yellow the captain probably still wouldn’t notice her.

Clunk clunk...
With a frown, Silver thumped her fist against the wall. Silence descended on the room for just long enough for her to drift off to sleep, and then:

clunk clunk...clunk clunk... clunk clunk...
twice as fast as it had been before. Silver groaned loudly, threw the thin blanket from the bed and pounded her fists against the wall. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” she yelled.

The noise stopped. Silver sighed and rested her forehead against the wall. “I hate my life,” she muttered.

Why?
Silver sat back and stared at the wall. Her heart beat a little faster than usual and she wondered if the lack of sleep was starting to make her hear things.

She chewed her lip thoughtfully and then pressed her ear to the wall.

“Hello?” she tried. She felt like an idiot.

Why?
It was definitely a voice, though Silver couldn’t work out if it was male or female. She thought it might be a computer, some sort of artificial intelligence. Or an alien. It would be an alien, knowing her luck.

“You keep me awake,” she said. “It’s driving me mad.”

Why? the voice asked again.

“Because of all the knocking! I need to sleep!” Silver looked at the clock and realised she’d have to get up. She placed a hand to the wall. “Just... be quiet, ok? Please?”

No answer this time, so Silver got out of bed. She gave the wall a frown and then turned away. Tonight, she decided, she would go to the bar and get very drunk.
 
First impression only Mouse, haven't time right now to go through in detail :(.

I really liked this a lot. It was interesting and read really easily and fluidly. Nothing leapt out at me as being off on first read except that it was not immediately obvious that the "why?" was coming from the wall. Use of italics without quotes usually implies being in the head like thought. Maybe this is actually going to be the case here but I initially read it as being her own thought and had to go back and re-read when it became obvious it wasn't.

However as I say I really liked this - immediately engaging. And, dare I say it, I found it better reading than your fantasy pieces. Hope that doesn't upset you; I do incline more towards SF anyway!.
 
I love the fact that she's got a name like Silver and she's a toilet cleaner. Actually, I really like it, full-stop. It's compelling, engaging, funny, and you (just about) get the background information across without it seeming intrusive, mainly because of the humour. This is one of the few excerpts I've seen on here where I'm actually annoyed that I can't read on.

If I had to find fault, you're inconsistent in your use of spaces after ellipses. I think that might be the most minor criticism I've ever made of anything.
 
Vertigo said:
First impression only Mouse, haven't time right now to go through in detail :(.

I really liked this a lot. It was interesting and read really easily and fluidly. Nothing leapt out at me as being off on first read except that it was not immediately obvious that the "why?" was coming from the wall. Use of italics without quotes usually implies being in the head like thought. Maybe this is actually going to be the case here but I initially read it as being her own thought and had to go back and re-read when it became obvious it wasn't.

However as I say I really liked this - immediately engaging. And, dare I say it, I found it better reading than your fantasy pieces. Hope that doesn't upset you; I do incline more towards SF anyway!.
Click to expand...

The voice in italics is only going to be heard by Silver. That'll come later. ;)

And no worries. My horror is better than my fantasy too!

HareBrain said:
I love the fact that she's got a name like Silver and she's a toilet cleaner. Actually, I really like it, full-stop. It's compelling, engaging, funny, and you (just about) get the background information across without it seeming intrusive, mainly because of the humour. This is one of the few excerpts I've seen on here where I'm actually annoyed that I can't read on.

If I had to find fault, you're inconsistent in your use of spaces after ellipses. I think that might be the most minor criticism I've ever made of anything.
Click to expand...

You've just made me grin like a lunatic. The ellipses space thingy is me being a wally. Changed it in my file now, ta! :D

Maybe I should quit the fantasy, eh?!
 
Well not all SF has to be hard SF, there is a lot of SF out there that does not focus of reams of techie stuff.
 
Vertigo, you've seen the stupid arse questions I ask about spaceships, can you imagine me trying to write a whole SF novel?! :D
 
Not an issue really, you can easily pick up that sort of stuff by reading a few good books and grabbing it from there. But if it's not hard SF then you can really gloss over a lot of it!
 
I might write some more SF short stories after this'n anyway!
 
Hi,
I liked it too, thought it was particularly well-paced with a nice clear style. Comments - very minor - as they come to me:

'a very large wrench to hammer out' - two names for tools so close to each other made me stumble a bit - I would suggest changing 'hammer' to 'pound' or similar

'And they still needed cleaning.' - should it be 'it' instead of 'they' because you've been talking about a singular toilet?

Agree with vertigo about it not being immediately clear where the voice was coming from, or where she thought it was coming from - perhaps another line could be added to the below (a suggestion of what I might do is shown in blue - feel free to ignore!):
Silver sat back and stared at the wall. The voice, if that's what it was, had sounded like it had come from inside - but that was impossible. Her heart beat a little faster than usual and she wondered if the lack of sleep was starting to make her hear things.

'lack of sleep' in the above - for this to be a possibility for her hearing things I think you'd need to imply that the noise had been going on for hours, and say this earlier on in the story, unless she often doesn't get much sleep - not sure just an early start would be enough

“You keep me awake,” - "You're keeping me awake," instead?

'Silver looked at the clock and realised she’d have to get up' - when she drifted back to sleep, did she sleep for a while? If not, why does she need to get up now? Earlier on it was 4am and she wasn't starting work for a couple of hours. Might need to be a bit clearer

Finally, she seems a little non-plussed about hearing the voice - why isn't she more freaked out? Is that explained later?

Hope this is helpful,
B
 
Knock-knock...

Be honest-- How many of you have asked the void, 'Who's there ?' and feared a reply ??

This sounds like the opening to a Twilight Zone episode. It could go a dozen ways, but all take the reader beyond their comfort zone.

As regards tweaks, I reckon it's already better than I can write, so I'll revert to lurker mode...

( 'P for Pleistocene' has stalled *again*, the lap-top needs more RAM and I am unhappy... )
 
Thanks Belador. I do start by saying that she's used to strange noises in her cabin - this being one of the reasons she doesn't sleep well. "You keep me awake" instead of "You're keeping me awake" because "You're keeping me awake" implies that it's not been happening for long.

She's not freaked out because she's so tired, so fed up that it's just another thing to annoy her. (I hate spiders, but there have been stages before where I've been so tired that I haven't freaked. Rare occurrences, but it's happened!)

Thanks, Nik. Been waiting to see some more of yours for a while! :)
 
Hello Mouse,
Nice. 'a grey shape against a grey wall'. So, that's how it's done. I hope you can post more. Cheers.
 
Now this is the type of Science Fiction that I can enjoy, Mouse!

How long do we have to wait to find out who or what is clunking on the wall? :)
 
Thanks, Telford and Rosie! :)

Well I'm just over 1000 words now and we haven't found out what the clunking is yet... I might post some more later.
 
Mysterious clunking... could be space-mice in the walls, or a stowaway.
What year is this happening? What kind of mops are the cleaning staff using in year 3000? Forget the Fenderson Ion-repulsor drive- what has replaced the Hoover?
 
Is it sort of round? A Dyson sphere could make an impressive vacuum cleaner; assuming you had an impressive enough vacuum. (Never mind, Mouse; not worth looking it up)
 
I see... :confused:

Ok, here's the next wee bit.

--------

Justice Jamerson, captain of the spaceship Athanasia, couldn’t decide whether she wanted to wear red lipstick or go nude. She drummed her fingers on the arm of her chair and then looked over at her advisor.

“Red or nude?” she asked.

The man looked somewhat perplexed so she rolled her eyes and waved a hand at her lips. “The lips, man. Red or nude? Come on!”

“Nude,” he said.

Justice picked up her red lipstick from her desk and applied it. “I am meeting men, Barkley. Men. Red lipstick says power and I want to impress. There are plenty who think a woman shouldn’t do this job, you know.”

“Not really, ma’am,” said Barkley. “I think there are more female captains than there are male nowadays.”

Justice sighed. “Yes,” she agreed. “Well I wish there weren’t. It’s so difficult to stand out.”

She blotted her lips with a tissue, twisted the lipstick shut and dropped it into a drawer. She got to her feet. “This cargo they want us to ship, Barkley, do you know what it is?”

“No, ma’am. They’ll only talk to you about it.”

“So long as it’s not aliens. Annoying little buggers, aliens.” The door slid open as she approached and she stepped through into the corridor. Barkley trotted by her side like a well-trained dog.

As they walked down the corridor, people gave their captain a nod or a murmured ‘ma’am.’ Justice didn’t know who half of them were, or what they did. She didn’t care either, though she wondered whether she should.

“Strange girl, that one,” she muttered to her advisor as they passed a young woman with a mop and bucket. “Stares a lot.”

“Do you want me to have her spoken to?” Barkley asked.

“Spoken to?” Justice repeated. She stopped outside a door, pressed some numbers into a console, and then continued on her way as the door opened. “About what, man?”

Barkley’s shoes tapped a rhythm on the floor as he picked up the pace to keep up. “About the staring, ma’am,” he said.

Justice waved her hand. “Let the girl stare,” she said. “Now, these men, Barkley, they know not to be late? It’s bad enough that I have to go to them, I don’t want to be hanging around too. This is my ship, man! I shouldn’t have to take time from my busy schedule to meet these people.”

“Uh...”

“They pay our wages, you might say,” Justice said. “I say, screw them. Let’s fly away and never come back.”

She gave Barkley a smile, ignoring the frown on his studious face. “Oh lighten up,” she said. She turned to another door and opened it. Inside the room, sitting at a round table, were four men. Three were old and wrinkled and wore silly hats which sat on their heads like tiny orange buckets. The fourth was dark and handsome and thankfully, thought Justice, hatless.

“Gentlemen,” she said, taking a seat. She smiled and folded her hands on the table. “Let’s talk business.”
 
Oooh, I don't think I would want to get on the wrong side of Captain Jammerson!

Well done, Mouse. Another great read.
 
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