Midsection extract

[Miss Taylor]

----*----
Still it snowed, thick, swirling, Domatra a mass of white flakes and pale grey sky. The vast tower, usually just visible to the west appeared to have vanished in the unending blizzard, but the large silver orb hanging over the high arched doorway told her that it was still very much in existance.

Phoebe sat upon the windowsill, legs bent up to her chest, staring out. The seat by the small apple tree where only a week ago she and Rona had sat in happy, excited anticipation of the upcoming Ball was, like it's once leafy companion, swiftly becoming suffocated in snow.

Phoebe emphathised with it, feeling in some perhaps childish, sentimental way that the bench was missing it's favourite inhabitant, Rona's warmth and laughter in the midst of the stormy, thick choas just as much as she was.

----*----


This is an extract from the middle to end of my novel that I wrote previously; what I'm really wondering is does it convey grief, loneliness and isolation well, or is it over or under done? The entire novel isn't anywhere near done yet, but this scene iis farily important to me.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Welcome to the Chronicles, Miss Taylor.

It didn't really move me on any emotional level, but that may be because I don't know the characters or the setting. If readers know the context, a few ordinary words can stab like a knife. As it is, I just see a snow storm. Snow storms, as a general rule, do not evoke melancholy. If we knew the background here and were invested in the characters perhaps this one would.

The idea of the tree being suffocated in snow has some emotional weight -- the tree is a living thing -- not so much the bench. And Phoebe comes across as just a pensive observer. Shouldn't she be feeling cold? Sitting there alone and cold would provide some emotional heft.

Aside from that, it would be nice to have a few hundred more words before forming an opinion of the scene, and please read the formatting guidelines and observe them the next time you post something for critique.

 

[Miss Taylor]

Thanks for the feedback Teresa. I think I made the mistake of posting this knowing exactly where it was in the story and the characters and they events that had happened just previously, looking at it alone I can see what you mean, it doesnt really do much.

Is it okay to post re-writes up here? I may edit this in the future.

And I'm guessing it was paragraph breaks I missed? Sorry about that *edits*. I think my spelling was up to par, I don't have a spellchecker but I did check via dictonary if I was slightly unsure.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

The only spelling errors I found were "existance," "emphathised," and "choas."

Should have been "existence" (those ences and ances get me all the time, too), "empathised," and "chaos."

Thank you for fixing the formatting. Yes, you can post further excerpts here, but if you do another section, or a major rewrite of something, you may want to start another thread. Otherwise, people who have already commented won't know there is something new to look at.

 

[Pyan]

Still it snowed, thick, swirling, Domatra a mass of white flakes and pale grey sky. The vast tower, usually just visible to the west

comma

appeared to have vanished

appeared to have vanished? Perhaps seemed to have vanished is less jarring

in the unending blizzard, but the large silver orb hanging over the high arched doorway told her that it was still very much in existance.

existence

Phoebe sat upon the windowsill,

Suggests to me that she's on the outside - perhaps window-seat

legs bent up to her chest, staring out. The seat by the small apple tree where only a week ago she and Rona had sat in happy, excited anticipation of the upcoming Ball was, like it's

its, possessive, not it's, it is

once leafy companion, swiftly becoming suffocated in snow.

Phoebe emphathised

empathised

with it, feeling in some perhaps childish, sentimental way that the bench was missing it's

its, as above

favourite inhabitant, Rona's warmth and laughter

"Rona's warmth and laughter" can't be an inhabitant - perhaps "Rona, and her warmth and laughter"

in the midst of the stormy, thick choas

chaos

just as much as she was.

Nitpicking, maybe, but that's what I do...

(EDIT) Oops, sorry, cross-posted with Teresa..

 

[fkatona]

Welcome!

Since it's such a short excerpt, it is difficult to review without context. There is a bit of ambiguity in the scene-setting, which may simply be a sympton of the lack of context. This is what I picture, and you can let me know if it is accurate.

The protagonist, Phoebe, is sitting in a windowsill of some type of building. Outside, a snowstorm rages. She can see an apple tree and a bench beneath. In the distance is a tower, but because of the storm, she can only see an orb from its wall.

The vast tower, usually just visible to the west appeared to have vanished in the unending blizzard, but the large silver orb hanging over the high arched doorway told her that it was still very much in existance.

I highlighted in green the words you may consider changing. Vast, to me, gives an image of great size in all dimensions - width, depth, and height. If the tower is just a tall tower, then a different adjective may work better. However, if the tower's circumference is very large as far as towers go, then it could work.

I have a pet peeve about inanimate objects telling things to characters when they don't actually talk. What is it about the silver orb that she can see? Does it glow? Does it catch the snow differently than the tower? Additionally, the sentence makes it seem like she can see the doorway. If she can, why can't she see the tower?

I suggest deleting the part coloured red, unless it is crucial to know the tower stands in the west. This also depends on whether or not the tower was introduced prior to the excerpt. Maybe when introduced, the tower could be given a name. That way, a reference point is established as soon as the name is mentioned. Also, don't worry about the "appeared to". Unless the tower has the ability to vanish, you can just say it did in the snow and I'll understand what you mean.

Phoebe sat upon the windowsill, legs bent up to her chest, staring out. The seat by the small apple tree (comma) where only a week ago she and Rona had sat in happy, excited anticipation of the upcoming Ball (comma) was, like it's once leafy companion, swiftly becoming suffocated in snow.

You could use a better segue from Phoebe in the windowsill to the seat in the snow. Maybe talk about what she was staring out at.

"happy, excited" is a bit redundant in this instance. Actually, anticipation is a very strong word on its own. Have you ever sat in unexcited anticipation?

Consider changing "swiftly becoming suffocated" into "suffocating". The active is stronger than the passive. Suffocating is a strong enough word to stand on its own without swiftly; there is a certain assumption of pacing when I think of someone who can't breathe that can't really speed up or slow down.

Don't forget your commas! Though you can probably consider taking out everything between the commas. The sentence "The seat by the small apple tree suffocated in the snow." has, I feel, more emotional impact.

Phoebe emphathised with it, feeling in some perhaps childish, sentimental way that the bench was missing it's favourite inhabitant, Rona's warmth and laughter (comma) in the midst of the stormy, thick choas just as much as she was.

"childish, sentimental" is okay, though you might mean "childishly sentimental"

The inhabitant was Rona, not her warmth and laughter. Don't give up on the image, though. It is a good contrast to the snow. Rewrite so that it works.

"stormy, thick chaos" (you really like doubling adjectives!). As we are already talking about a storm, "stormy" is redundant. "thick chaos" would work better on its own.

Snow storms, as a general rule, do not evoke melancholy.

I agree with this point. Loneliness, maybe, but not melancholy. Maybe the stillness and desolation after a large snowfall.


I can come across harsh, but don't take it personally. You have some nice images here! Keep writing, and most of all, have fun with it!

 

[Miss Taylor]

Hey, thanks so much for all that input fkatona. I'm in the process of a re-write, using your advice and everyone else's, so hopefully I should have an improved version up soon.


I just thought in the meantime I'd give some context to the scene, this may help with your understanding of why I did some things the way that I did.


The scene is set just after Phoebe, (main protagonist) has lost her best (and childhood) friend Rona, due to murder by Rona's love, Natil. The whole Palace is in shock, as Natil was supposedly one of the good guys.

I'm not entirely sure about the events leading directly up to the murder yet, but I'll fill these in later.

Also, I didn't make this very clear, (so thanks for pointing this out) the silver orb is inside the room that Phoebe is in, not attatched to the tower.


The snow is coincidental of it being winter time when the murder took place, and because Rona was such a warm character, I found it fitting to have Phoebe, her best friend who loved her dearly, to be starting out into the cold, missing the warmth she seemed to bring even in the bleakest of times.

The world (Domatra, inhabited by the magical population) is at war, which was what my reference to "stormy chaos".


Hope that helped clear things up a bit more.


Again thanks for the great input.


MT

x

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

But Phoebe doesn't come across as shocked. She just seems, as I said, pensive. If this is right after events such as you describe, she should be devastated.

And honestly, I would not be working on scenes in the middle of a story if you don't even have the plot worked out -- because when you do work out the plot in more detail, you might find out that Phoebe is doing something entirely different. Or, you might find out, to your dismay, that the murder doesn't happen, or Natil doesn't do it, or ...

Sometimes, when you start working out the events that lead up to something, you realize that you can't get there from where you were before.

 

[Miss Taylor]

Yeah good point. I have most of the plot worked out, but the bit before that bit is a bit hazy. Anywhos, I'm gonna do a big re-write and post it up later when I've got other aspects figured put, organisation was never my strong point :\

Thanks for the input everyone

 

[Brian G Turner]

Personal opinion only.

----*----
Still it snowed, thick, swirling, Domatra a mass of white flakes and pale grey sky. The vast tower, usually just visible to the west appeared to have vanished in the unending blizzard, but the large silver orb hanging over the high arched doorway told her that it was still very much in existance.

The focus on there being snow seems over-done. When it snows hard (as it's currently doing in the Highlands) the sky tends to be dark. And as you've mentioned it's snowing, you don;t need to mention flakes or blizzard IMO.

The tower sentence could probably be tighter as well - you have over 30 words telling us it was only slightly visible, which may be overkill.

Phoebe sat upon the windowsill, legs bent up to her chest, staring out. The seat by the small apple tree where only a week ago she and Rona had sat in happy, excited anticipation of the upcoming Ball was, like it's once leafy companion, swiftly becoming suffocated in snow.

The second sentence throws me - visibility is poor, but we're immediately asked to visualise an object, think of an emotional connection, before being reminded of poor visibility. Somehow this leaves me feeling uncertain what to focus on.

Phoebe emphathised with it, feeling in some perhaps childish, sentimental way that the bench was missing it's favourite inhabitant, Rona's warmth and laughter in the midst of the stormy, thick choas just as much as she was.

Somehow this sentence doesn't work for me either - Rona is the subject of the sentence, but feels when I read it as seconded to feeling for the bench.

Overall - I can't help but feel that rather than just saying what is happening, you are instead trying to find ways to construct a different way of saying it. To myself, this means that the sentences so far have a sense of artificiality that shouldn't be there.

Of course, perhaps this is nothing more than noting a style, that the reader would be used to by this passage and would read smoothly.

However, I have a nagging feeling that you're in danger of over-writing - cf Stephen King's "On writing" about how he learned from writing as a journalist to write the most information with the least amount of words.

It's only a personal first impression, though, and I'm only focusing on the negatives - on the positives I can see even in this short piece that there is a lot of thought and background in the piece, from the world being written to the characters, mood, and pathos - very good areas to have strength in.

You come across as well developed in your writing, so I'm being extra critical like Craig Revel Howarth because I think you can handle it, rather than be a little patronising like Len Goodman.

I just aren't convinced at this stage that you've found your personal voice, but if so, whether you can make it tighter.

It may be the case that you don't need to - certainly you've written nothing I haven't seen from published writers - I just wonder if you can make it stronger, tighter, more effective - but as before, this may be a stylistics issue, from a personal opinion, so there may be no actual criticism in this post at all.

EDIT - okay, here's an attempt to make the first paragraph tighter and stronger:

"Domatra was a blizzard, the vast tower visible only by the large silver orb hanging over the high arched doorway."

It's not poetic, but it's simpler, sharper, and tells the reader everything their imagination needs - does it?