Another untitled piece.

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anthorn

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Another untitled piece. Related to my prievious piece. I was planning on having these replace the prologues i had up before


The first was heat the second was light but above all else, there was pain.

The Shattering had destroyed the tower almost completely, the Magic’s used were seen for miles around, a tornado of dark colours shooting to the sky and twisting the clouds to its will. The earth rumbled as though in protest, rocks were forced upwards to become mountains, underground lakes became flooded. Animals died, villages burned, men and women both cried, but the war was over. This war had not been like the other wars, the ones fought by the kings and queens or the Council. This one had been a war for survival.

It was the second day of the second week when at last the tornado dispersed fading into nothing, the dust that it carried blown away by the wind, and still the earth was bleeding. The first scavengers came at the ending of the day curious to see what had come to pass, to see if as always something could be salvaged. They found nothing and turned away less than pleased to have wasted time. Moments after they had gone, the first body appeared. A woman of no less than 35 summers fell through a portal, a tear in reality, her clothes were torn, and her hair was singed. A dull blue glow emanated from the crystal in her hand throbbing like the beat of a heart.

Ignoring the pain, she forced herself to sit. She could hear nothing but the sound of her heartbeat, and in the back of her mind, the cries of her sister continued to haunt her. It had to be done, she thought, trying to blink the confusion from her eyes. What Damien had planned was foolish, threatening to undo the very reason they had come to Onchara in the first place; still though, perhaps the sacrifice was too much, and perhaps there could have been another way. No. It had to be done she would have killed me if she had had the chance. One of these days, no matter how long it takes, I will kill you. It had to have been done, but already doubt waged war upon her mind. The sacrifice would be unending; already she felt her power waning, drawn by the crystal, dispersed by the Aspects. Soon news would reach her brother, Rael and her shame would be known. The rules had been broken; she had taken the knife to her own kind. She was an outcast.

Anwyn stood and pocketed the crystal and turned to face the storm clouds coming from the west, a new chapter was beginning, and she could sense its coming. Anwyn raised her hand and opened a Portal, it wobbled and shuddered it was weak, but it would do for its purpose. Anwyn stepped through returning to Lancifer. With a boom, the Portal closed behind her.
 

chrispenycate

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Another untitled piece. Related to my prievious piece. I was planning on having these replace the prologues i had up before


The first was heat
comma
the second was light but
comma; and consider removing the previous "was"
above all else, there was pain.

The Shattering had destroyed the tower almost completely,
full stop
the Magic’s
I can see no reason for this apostrophe, and maybe "had been" rather than "was"
used were seen for miles around, a tornado of dark colours shooting to the sky and twisting the clouds to its will. The earth rumbled as though in protest, rocks were forced upwards to become mountains, underground lakes became flooded.
That's three sentences joined with commas; I would suggest you change the last comma to an "and"
Animals died, villages burned, men and women both cried, but the war was over. This war had not been like the other wars, the ones fought by the kings and queens or the Council. This one had been a war for survival.

It was the second day of the second week when at last the tornado dispersed
comma
fading into nothing, the dust that it carried blown away by the wind, and still the earth was bleeding. The first scavengers came at the ending of the day curious to see what had come to pass, to see if
comma
as always
comma
something could be salvaged. They found nothing and turned away
comma
less than pleased to have wasted time. Moments after they had gone, the first body appeared. A woman of no less than 35 summers fell through a portal, a tear in reality,
either a semicolon here, or " her clothes torn, her hair singed. "
her clothes were torn, and her hair was singed. A dull blue glow emanated from the crystal in her hand
comma
throbbing like the beat of a heart.

Ignoring the pain, she forced herself to sit. She could hear nothing but the sound of her heartbeat, and
possibly the comma after the "and"?
in the back of her mind, the cries of her sister continued to haunt her. It had to be done, she thought, trying to blink the confusion from her eyes. What Damien had planned was foolish, threatening to undo the very reason they had come to Onchara in the first place; still though, perhaps the sacrifice was too much, and perhaps there could have been another way. No. It had to be done
comma
she would have killed me if she had had the chance. One of these days, no matter how long it takes, I will kill you. It had to have been done, but already doubt waged war upon her mind. The sacrifice would be unending; already she felt her power waning, drawn by the crystal, dispersed by the Aspects. Soon news would reach her brother, Rael
comma
and her shame would be known. The rules had been broken; she had taken the knife to her own kind. She was an outcast.

Anwyn stood and pocketed the crystal and turned to face the storm clouds coming from the west,
semicolon
a new chapter was beginning, and she could sense its coming. Anwyn raised her hand and opened a Portal,
semicolon
it wobbled and shuddered it was weak, but it would do for its purpose. Anwyn stepped through returning to Lancifer.
three sentences starting "Anwyn did something"
With a boom, the Portal closed behind her.
 

Serenity79

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Hi! Nice work!

Maybe I'm being picky here and judging by the critique I've had for my work perhaps I shouldn't be commenting at all, however I would like to mention one thing.

This is the section that is causing me confusion.

This war had not been like the other wars, the ones fought by the kings and queens or the Council. This one had been a war for survival.

Aren't all wars about survival.

It is just my opinion and I'm probably wrong, but I needed to check all the same.
 

Sapheron

Making no sense.
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Some are fought more for land or resources. Yes, on the level of the soldiers involved it will always be about survival. I think anthorn referred more to the survival of the people as a whole though. In addition, Serenity, you can comment however scathingly your own work is recieved. My last piece was rather shot down in flames, and it hasn't deterred me in the least.

Anywho, back to the real business of the thread. Punctuation needed work in this piece, as you might gather from The Grammarmeister's post above. I must admit the commas (or lack of them) was annoying me a little by the end.

As for the content, I suppose it's alright. It got across what you wanted and it wasn't dull to read or anything. I think it could be better if you took it all from Anwyn's perspective, and described things as she saw them rather than from an invisible narrator's field of view. That would let you make it so much more engaging (the old show versus tell fiasco; right now you're definitely only telling).

As I said, there's not anything really wrong as such (bar the punctuation), but I do feel it could be made a whole lot better if you switched the perspective.
 

cvoidlibrary

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The two untitled pieces seem to be far apart from each other. Do you plan on sticking with only one of the prologues?
 

anthorn

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County Durham
I was really just fiddling about. But in the scheme of things. The 2nd one takes place well before the 1st one. I'm kind of choosing between these ones and my other potential prologues
 
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