Requiem Of Sin

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mickaelx99

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Requiem Of Sin

My past was filled with horror. It was a never-ceasing nightmare that I could never wake up from. Day after day, the sins of my past would be remembered, and everyday would be like having a dark shadow lingering over me. Whenever I would look up to the heavens for support or forgiveness, I would once again be devoured by my subconscious, telling me that what I did would not go without punishment. For the longest time, I was trapped in a state where self-inflicted pain would be the only thing keeping me sane, or somewhat at least. The finale to my darkened days was a grim one, and was filled with torment, dipped in a cold-blooded fear. It's a story I have to tell -- to end the hellish storm raging inside of me. Hate. Violence. Pain. All features of my rebirth, and my quest for self-liberation in my darkest hour...



.::Six Months Ago::.


I stared out of my window. It had been raining for two weeks straight. Thunder. Lightning. Rain. It was anything but pleasant for most people. For me, it didn't matter. My contract in CWX had just expired, and thus, I was always at home -- stuck in my dirty, broken-walled apartment for hours on end. I had hardly any food in the cupboards, no television, no computer -- only a dirty mattress in the corner, my modified Bowflex with an assortment of blades attached to it, and of course, my knives, scattered all over my blood-stained floor.

I gazed towards one of the knives -- stared at it, gazing into its reflection and half my face being mirrored in its blade. I had specially modified the handle of that knife by using another blade I had thrown away shortly after. The date: 06-22-09 was carved into the wooden handle of the knife. My eyes now gazed at the date, locking onto it and not letting go. It pained me, like a burning sensation now inflamed my irises. I tried to look away, and move my eyes to a different location -- the wall, my mattress, anything -- but alas, my eyes kept on finding a way to zone right back onto the date, zooming in on it, keeping focus.

"Stop..." I muttered to myself, trying to close my eyes. I tried with all the might I could muster in my eyes to close them, and did for about a second. Then, however, my eyes would reopen yet again, and find themselves gazing at the date. "Please... stop," I said again, but it didn't work; I began to remember the date. Images began to flash into my mind.

A single tear dripped from my right eye and rolled down my cheek onto my blood-stained floor.

_______________________________________________________

Roses. So many of them. All of which were burning. Their petals flew in the air, while on fire, and littered the sky in flames. It was a peaceful place. At least, it -was-. In the country with only a few guests. One of which was me. A wedding. My sister, Natasha, and her would-be husband, The Necro Newborn, engaged -- about to be wed in holy matrimony. I, of course, could never allow anything like that to happen.

The echoing of gun fire rattled my eardrums. The high-pitch screams of my family members were heard from all around. I ran back into that church, knowing everything had gone wrong. My debt had not been paid. I didn't know how they had figured it out, but now, my whole life was getting turned upside down. Like a transformation was ensuing.

"Stop! Please stop!" I screamed, as I could see a sight that has haunted me since. Everyone covered in blood on the floor. A few mob members holding their guns in their hands, lightning up cigarettes, and blasting away at the fallen, just barely-living people. My sister, Natasha, lied on the floor, blood soaking her wedding gown. The Necro Newborn, her would-be husband, clutching his chest in pain, and then falling to the floor. Believe me, I thought he was dead.

"Next time... don't **** with us," one of the mob members said, taking a glorious puff of his cigarette. "You **** with one of us, and you're going to sent to hell."

"Then kill me! I can't live like this!" I wanted death at that moment. Believe me, I wanted death more than you could possibly imagine. I wanted to be shot over and over again, have bullet enter and escape me, experience the pain that I deserved.

"No, Mike... don't die..." I turned my head and could see my sister, just barely standing, trying to say something. My jaw nearly dropped. "I don't want you to di--" and just like that, the shells dropped to the floor, and she was decorated in bullet holes. Each shot rattled her. More blood exploding from her body, drenching the already painted-red-in-blood walls in even more bloody paint. I cried out in vain once again. My screams escaped my lips, and have never left me to this day.

"Stop! Please stop!" but they continued to fire. She was dead before she hit the floor. I screamed again, despite knowing it was too late. "Stop! Please stop!"

________________________________________________________


"PLEASE STOP!" I gazed at the knife in my right hand, and my now lacerated left arm. I held the knife tightly, squeezing it with all I could muster. Yet, I didn't feel any better. The same sadness-driven madness that I always felt. My blood dripped from the knife and onto the floor. A bloody floor. Like the one on that day so long ago.

I dropped the knife, and stood up straight. My eyes felt heavy. I needed rest. I was beginning to feel worse than I ever had in my life -- lately, my pity had become even more hate-driven, and the memories were rising from the dead, despite being buried in my mind for so long.

"I have to end this," I said. "**** sleep. **** my one rule about living with this. It is time I finally die. No career. No passion. No life. All of it -- wasted. To hell with all of it. To hell with my life!" I dropped to my knees where a small chest was. Opened it with my two hands and took out something I had been saving for when the pain became too much. For when I needed it the most. For when my time to end my miserable excuse for a life had finally come. My revolver. Loaded with a single bullet. Its polished shine glistened with energy. Glistened with a false hope.

"It's time... to pay for my sins," I stood up, holding the gun in both of my hands, and stared down at it. Imagining where I would go once I was gone. Heaven would never condole my actions, and its gate would never open. Hell would have no caged inferno that could contain me. I would be trapped in-between this world and purgatory for all eternity. At least then my past would never haunt me. I would return to the place where my insanity began. Roam the spot where the sea of roses and a church used to be. I would be trapped there -- trapped in a mindless, yet impossible-to-escape from place where my sorrow would die.

I put the gun to my head.

"I can't take it anymore. For the last time -- Natasha, May, everyone, I am so sorry for what I let happen to all of you. Your father, if you remember him, Kyle -- was a weak man. Don't grow up to be like him. Be stronger than that, wherever you are," I said, hoping my final few words would somehow find their way to the people I had failed and let down. To the people I had let die on that fateful day. They were all changed. Contorted. Everything.

I began to squeeze the trigger...

_________________________________________________________


I had a dream the night after the wedding massacre. A single body rose from the rubble. Surrounded by bodies of the dead, this one faceless man began to rise. I never saw what he really looked like. I only saw powerful sparking tears escape his silhouette face and light up the abyss from behind him, exposing more blood on the walls, and more bodies. He began to whisper her name.

"Natasha... where are you? Natasha?" he ran through the rubble, tripping over bodies and other debris. The sparkling tears still escaping his face. "Where are you? Please be okay!"

The man stumbled for what seemed like hours until he finally found who he was looking for, oddly enough, close to where he first rose from the ashes. He fell to his knees, and held up her bloodied right hand in his left. Slowly, he began to shake his head, and mumble a few worthless words to a body that no longer had a beating heart.

"I will always love you!" he held her tight. Not letting go. "I remember when I first saw you. Whips and leather, bah, I saw right through what you tried to be and saw the real you. You were never a dominatrix at an S&M club, you were meant for me! You promised to keep me in line... I should have done that for you. With you gone... I am dead!!" he roared loudly, letting the whole countryside hear his words.

And he dropped her hand...

"I promise, my love. I promise you, that what happened here today will not go without justice. How can they do this to you?!" and he fell to the ground, breaking out in more tears, letting it all escape him. No longer did he feel sane or capable. He felt broken and alone.

He stayed there for awhile, but in due time, the fire department, ambulances, and police arrived. They nearly dragged his body away from her as he held on, refusing to let go.

"Sir, I know it's tough, but we have to clear the area. You have to be checked out, you have been shot."

"Don't leave her alone!"

They began to pull him away. He lost his grasp.

"I have nothing left! Nothing!"


_________________________________________________________





My door opened, just as I began to press down on the trigger. I was greeted by a dark silhouette of a man. The same man I had seen in my dream so long ago, the night after what I had witnessed.


"You're not the only one with nothing left," there he was. The Necro Newborn staring at me, right as I was about to leave the world that had given me nothing but sorrow and grief. My eyes widened, and my mouth hung open. "Put the gun down, Park."

"It's not fair," I cried, shaking the gun in my hand now, too afraid to pull the trigger all-of-a-sudden. "It was over. It was about to end. Everything. Why, Necro? Why now? Why, when I have finally had enough, you return. Why, when my vessel to leave this world was ready to set sail... you... you return?"

"I want to help you. Put the gun down," he said, moving in closer. Tears began to roll down my eyes now, as the gun continued to rattle in my hand, making hard for me to concentrate. "Please, Mike! I know what you've been through!"

"NO YOU DON'T!" I screamed, now pointing the gun straight at Necro's head, as he was only a few feet away from me. "You son of a bitch! You're the reason I asked for help from the mob! You're the reason all of this **** happened! If it were never for you, I wouldn't be here. I would be with May and away from these four walls I call an existence! I should do what I wanted done so long ago!"


I aimed the gun right at his forehead. I wanted to end what should have been done that day. I wanted to end his life after what I had let him do to my wife. I wasn't going to let him marry my sister. After all that had happened -- it all came down to this. One single shot.


"Park, before you pull the trigger, there is something you should know," he said, in the calmest voice imaginable.

"Shut up. Shut up!" I cried.

"I went through the same thing as you, but someone came to see me. She helped me change. She made me a better person. I was feeling pain for so long, Mike. I know, what happened on that day killed us all inside," he said, coming in closer.

"I'm more dead than anyone. I can't be changed. I CAN'T!" I roared, as the gun began to shake in my hands, preventing myself from getting a clear shot. It wasn't letting me finally end what I had let happen.

"Mike, do you want to see her?" he asked.

I said nothing. I dared not to speak. But as I finally positioned my shot again, and prepared to pull the trigger, she walked in. Her black hair was captivating. Her face looked airbrushed. Her blue eyes glowed in the darkness, providing a pure light. A pure hope. She entered the room. My long lost wife who I hadn't seen in close to a year. May Tain.

"Mike... I'm so sorry I wasn't there."


_________________________________________________________


"Go wait in the car, Kyle," I said to my son, taking one last look at him as he headed towards May's blue caravan. I stared into her eyes and she stared into mine. In the distance, on the old country road, we both stood for the last time, together, as one.

"What happened, Mike?" she asked me. We weren't under the best terms. If nothing had happened at the church, then chances were that a divorce was imminent. Her red and green dress looked wonderful on her, and her black hair blew in the wind. I stared down at her feet that were placed in black high heels. I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eye. "What happened?"

As it the blood all over my clothes wasn't enough. Only an hour ago, I had called her from the country house that Kyle and I were staying at and told May to come right away, and to be expecting Kyle to live with her for awhile. Our relationship, once flawless, had become one giant cluster ****.

"I'm sorry, May," I finally said, shaking my head. "I'm sorry I let him do that to you."

"That's done with, Mike. What's done is done. The past is the past. What happened? What happened just now? Why did you call me out here? It's such a long drive," her words were crisp and beautiful. Even on a day like this, I could never forget her and why I loved her. Everything about her... so perfect.

"I'm going away for a long time. Forever, actually. I can't live like this anymore. I can't, not after what I had let happen," I said, digging into my pocket, just before May could ask once again, 'what happened?'.

I took a single rose out of my pocket. It was a bit burnt, but still as beautiful as the woman before my very eyes. I placed it into her hands and finally gazed her in the eye. Tears forming in mine.

"I will always love you. Remember me, May. Don't come looking for me. I won't be the same."

I could still remember the look on her face. Her own tears rolling down her cheek. Sparkling as the setting-sun brought them to life. I longed to see her again, but I turned my back to her. I could remember her last words so clearly too. Even today, like I had just heard them moments ago...

"I'm sorry, Mike. I'm sorry I wasn't there."


_________________________________________________________


I stared at May, standing along side the man who I had seen rape her while she was being sold for sex in Mexico. Why was this happening? I dropped my gun, and it fell to the floor, nearly breaking through the poorly-built wood. I began to shake my head slowly, and walk towards her, each step becoming so hard to take.

"May... I... I missed you. I just want it all to end. Look at me!" I pointed to my pale face, and waked towards her. I nearly fell to my knees, but kept on moving towards her. "I want to be free of all of this!"

"I know, Mike. I know," she said, as I could no longer stand. I was too tired to keep on going. I fell to the floor. Dizzy. Fatigued. Hungry. Thirsty. Hurting. Crying. Everything, it all came at me from about fifty different angles. I could remember May dropping to her knees and looking up at me, staring into my green eyes, while her blue ones gave me a bit of strength and hope.

"We're getting you to a hospital. You're going to be alright! I promise you, I am not going to let you die!" she turned towards Necro. I began to become deaf, but I could read her lips, just before I passed out completely from the pain and sudden shock of all that had happened. "Can you move him?"

I could remember being picked up by my long-time foe and nemesis. I could remember having my whole word spin faster and faster, round and round, over and over. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and all I could see was white. My heart began to beat faster and faster, thumping and thumping. My life was in their hands now, and in a way, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was now free. Free, after such a long time of enduring misery and having a forsaken past creep throughout my mind. It was only when I was about to lose even more, that I finally felt home, and away from what had caused my life to spiral out of control and enter the abyss.

My hungering for self-sacrifice was no more.

Sins... now cleansed.


Requiem Of Sin: Epilogue

I had been locked in a room for hours. I stared up at the ceiling above and its infinite number of white plastered dots. I did not blink, nor move; I just lied there, like I was waiting for something to happen. Aside from staring up at the ceiling, I realized that I recognized this room, or at least, some parts of it. Many of the items in the room: a nightstand, a tall mirror, some out-of-place clothes -- they belonged to someone I knew for a long, long time. May, my wife. And I was lying on her bed, sunk into the mattress, without any sense of reason or meaning. Just a few hours ago, I was finally going to do it: end my miserable excuse for a life after all the sins I had committed. I could remember holding a gun to my head and preparing to pull the trigger, awaiting to enter a new dimension and embrace a new existence. Yet, once again, I found myself drawn out of it by an unexpected force. She had returned for me, and alongside her was the man who had caused me to commit the sins that never left me and circled my head for days on end, breaking me down and drowning me in a sea blood.

My blood.

My blood bled black for six long months. The scars on my arms, legs, everywhere, they were all caused by my craving punishment. Craving atonement and release. Trying to bleed out the past. Yet, here I was, lying on her bed with her voice echoing in my head. It was her. She had returned once again.

"They say you're going to be okay. I... I brought you something," I looked up at her and smiled at her grace, her purity. Her black hair with a thread of golden-blonde highlights captivated me -- made me feel like I was dreaming. But alas, I couldn't bring myself to smile around her, not ever. My lips returned to their hollow expression. "They say you need to eat, though," and she placed a tray with a plate of fruit on my lap along with a glass of water. It all looked so colourful when compared to the greyness that surrounded the room I was in. "Well, eat up."

I didn't say anything back to her. I just stared at the tray and the food she had prepared for me. The fruit had been cleaned in the sink, as tiny drops of water dripped from the top of the fruit and onto the plate. The water in the glass looked so clean and clear. It was pure.

"Pure..." I whispered just enough for her to hear. She looked me in the eye, and for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, we gazed into each other's soul, seeking out hope. Her blue eyes only made my partly-green black eyes open wider. I began to think back to how things once were, and the first time we had met, so very long ago...

_________________________________________________________


The children played in the park. Running throughout the sand-filled playground, going up and down slides and pushing each other on swings. The sun beamed in the sky with its own charismatic shine and uniqueness. The clouds were formidably full of grace and wonder. I had returned home after a hectic work week. I was a rookie in the world of wrestling, but found myself steadily gaining popularity and drawing fans. It was a better time for me, though -- well-known, yet I didn't have everyone come up to me and say, 'hey, didn't I see you on TV last night?'. It was a time where I could still be that little boy who wanted to be like his father before him and make it big. Have dreams. Not needing to fulfil them no matter the cost. Some dreams... turn to nightmares.

As I walked on the recently-watered grass, enjoying a walk on my day off, I could notice someone looking at me. Maybe even... staring at me. Eyeing me carefully. Checking me out. I stopped walking for a moment and turned my head towards one of the park benches where a woman sat, gazing at me from afar. Her black hair, air-brushed face, and smile of serenity not only brought me near, but they were what attracted me further.

She waved towards me, in such a sense that she wanted me to go and see her. I slowly raised my right hand into the air, still in awe while looking on at her seemingly endless majestic attributes. The way her hair blew in the wind. The way she crossed her legs. Everything. It was all-consuming.

Everything about her... so...
 

mickaelx99

New Member
Joined
May 2, 2009
Messages
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_________________________________________________________


"Pure," I said again, gazing up at her like it was the first time we had met all over again. "May, why am I here? Why did you come looking for me after all this time? Why is it that only now do you care? Only now..." my words were soft and weak, much like I was. Drowned in a sea of endless emotions, capped off by an unnatural high. I felt like I was soaring through the air, being lifted up by an overwhelming and all-powerful force. Sins... now cleansed.

"I would have, but I promised you I wouldn't. I just... knew deep down that you would need me later on. It was hard for me, Mike. Laura contacted me about where you were staying and said I was the only one that could help you," she said, referring to my other sister. The only member of my family that didn't die in the church massacre. My other sister, the one who I had witnessed take about nine shots and died before she hit the floor -- she was the one I would have to apologize to. In another world. Another realm. Not heaven. Nor hell.

"I don't know what I am doing, May," I said, finding it hard to speak, having a single tear roll down my right eye. "I caused so much pain, so much agony, so much..."

"I know, Mike," she said, moving in closer, holding me tight. "I know what happened. I know how you had no other choice. But believe me -- they have all forgiven you. Even dead, they have seen what you have gone through. They forgive you."

"... they can't," I said, shaking my head. "That's impossible. Six months wasn't enough, May. It wasn't enough torture. It wasn't enough pain. I had to bleed it all out. I had to bleed out my sins!"

"No, no, you don't. Not anymore," she said in an almost silent voice. Somehow, I knew that what I had gone through would never be enough. That a lifetime of pain would never be enough. Yet, her sweet, sweet voice told me otherwise. "You don't have to feel pain anymore. Never again..."


_________________________________________________________


"I've... been training myself, actually," she said, as we both sat down on the park bench enjoying the fresh air. A cool Autumn breeze blew in the air, calling to me. Calling to set me free.

"Really?" I asked her, smiling. "That's great."

"Yeah, I don't know. I know it sounds weird -- I mean, a twenty-one-year-old woman trying to become a wrestler when she can barley manage to open a jar of peanut butter," she laughed, then gazed into my eyes, and I hers.

"I don't think so," I said, shaking my head. "I think it's wonderful. I mean, you definitely have the look."

"You think so?" she asked.

"I do," I replied. "You're really beautiful."

She blushed and smiled, then gazed into the sky, letting the sun light up her eyes further, casting forth an almost surreal livelihood and essence. She looked back towards me again, and suddenly frowned.

"I just remembered reading somewhere about how your dad passed away in the ring during one of his matches. I don't know why I am brining this up, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that happened to you. It must have been really hard to deal with."

"It was, you know. For the longest time I didn't know how to deal with it. Then I decided to just honour him, and finish what he started, and try to become the best I could be. Surpass him even," I said, remembering about how much my dad meant to me and my ultimate goal which was eventually becoming the greatest wrestler the world had ever known.

"That's awesome," she said. "I wish I could model myself after my mom or dad, but..." she stopped, having a hard time saying what she wanted to say. Her eyes began to become a tad watery, but she just let it out. "My mother killed my dad one night when he was really drunk. She was pregnant when she shot him, and when I was born I was placed into foster care. I don't want to ever see her. She's in prison for life."

"I'm so sorry," I said. "I'm so sorry... uh... sorry, I never caught your name."

"It's May," she said. "May Tain."

I placed my arm around her and held her close, not ever wanting to let go. I could never let go. She just seemed so full of life and meaning. Like a perfectly-shaped piece of my puzzle of life.

"May, you don't have to feel pain anymore. Never again..."

_________________________________________________________

"Never again," I said, stroking her long black hair with my right hand. "I'm sorry. I should never have left you. I... I want to be free finally. I don't want to have this weight keep me down. I want to finally be able to get over this."

"Don't worry. It's done with now. You and I, Mike... we can start again. Live our lives the way we were supposed to live them," she said. Her words meant so much to me. She was my angel of hope. My one hope to rid me from my faceless madness. My hell-on-earth life I had been living. My four-walled existence I called a life. She was going to cure my pain. She was going to open the door to my freedom. To my new life. She was my last chance.

"May..." I began, moving her aside and gazed into her eyes one last time. "I... there is something I have to do. One place I have to visit. I know where I can finally end it. But I need your help."

She nodded her head.

"Anything for you. Just eat up, and we'll leave when you're ready."

"Do you know where I have to go?"

She smiled.

"Of course. I always did."

"I don't know how to thank you. You've done so much, I--"

"Just eat and rest," she said, cutting me off. "Just eat and rest."

"One last thing," I began, sitting up. "Why Necro? Why did you help him? And after all I did... why did he help me?"

"I needed help," she began. "He needed help. He and Laura were the only survivors and I needed to make sure it was all okay."

"What was that?" I asked.


"By me forgiving him, I knew that it was possible for anything to happen. And he agreed to help me; I brought back the good in him. I believed there is a way to free anyone. And I was right. Here we are."

"Forever," I said. "May... you know how you said we'll leave when I'm ready?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to make sure that when I do it it'll be when I really need to. When... I know for sure that I could be forgiven."

She nodded her head.

"Anything for you," she said. And with that I found myself drifting off into a peaceful state of mind. This time, I wasn't going to lose her. This time, I would finally be able to say...

Forever.

_________________________________________________________


.::present Day::.


"Here we are... at last," May said as we drove up to the place that started my madness and drove me into a downward spiral for half-a-year. The rubble had been removed, and in its place, forty or so tombstones were positioned where the church used to be. In the field nearby, new roses were beginning to grow and blossom into something that was full of life and promise. A new beginning.

I opened up the front door and turned towards May, just as my two feet touched down on the ground that I hadn't walked on for far too long. She simply nodded her head.

"I'll be waiting. Just do what you have to do," she said, as I turned my back to her and began to walk towards the tombstone-littered grave site where so many of my family members were buried. Aunts and uncles. Cousins and friends. People who I had worked with. So many memories of the past.

The wind blew crisply in the air. An echoing whisper of voices I had once known ran through my mind and down my spine. Whispers of the past. Whispers of a once-forgotten hope and a lingering absence from reality. I walked further into the field, passing stones that had a few of my cousins' names written on them. With each stone I passed, I could hear their voices whisper to me.

'We are one'

I passed many. All of which gave me the same words. Calling to me. Embracing me. Making me become one with my memories. Telling me deep down, that even though I had endured so much, I never had to endure anything.

'You are forgiven'

Their words echoed throughout me. Binding together what was once lost and brining me in closer. Making me feel... at ease, and at peace. And finally, at the end of the long number of tombstones I had passed, I came to the final one, separated from the rest. It alone meant so much to me. More than any other stone before it.

My father's resting ground. My father's gravestone. Oddly enough, surrounded by so many others. So many members of his family were positioned all around his, although his had been there, by itself, long before any of the others had been. I bent down, and spoke to him, knowing he would hear me.

"Well, dad... here I am. Almost fifteen years later. I hope you're proud of me for what I did in the ring. I think, I could be there shortly -- the dream that is. To finally be the best in the whole world. I know that's what you always wanted, and... here I am, trying to make it happen. I'm in the finals, so I must be doing something right."

Silence. Just the blowing of the wind echoing in the air.

"I... just wanted to tell you personally that I'm sorry for what I did. But, I think I'm finally going to move on and put this behind me. Finally become something more. I don't know if you could still love someone who accidentally had his whole family assassinated, but if you could, I just want to let you know that I'm dedicating my match in the finals to you. After all you did for me when I was young... I owe it to you."

I dug into my jacket pocket and took out something and placed it on ground beside his grave and waited for a moment before speaking.

"A bit burnt from the fire it had survived so long ago, but well kept in the hands of my wife. Dad, this rose is for you. I gave it to May so long ago because I knew that with it, she would never forget me. I just... can't have you forget me, and I can't forget you, although I don't visit as much as I should," I took a deep breath and gulped down my fear of being here. It was hard -- talking to my dad after all this time, grave or not, it was hard for me. It would be hard for anyone.

"I promise you, dad. I will fulfil your dream for you. For us."

I stood up, and slowly turned around, walking away from the grave and back passed the endless number of graves. This time, they didn't whisper one after the other, they all whispered at the same time. Giving me hope. Giving me a second chance. I was finally free. Finally... they all whispered together, allowing me to never forget.

'Forever'
 

Karn Maeshalanadae

I'm a pineapple
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Oh, um....well now.....first off, I'd suggest you cut it down a tad-not everyone might have the patience to read through all of what you put in, especially since it appears you had to double post to get it all in there.-----Another thing......too many time jumps. Flashbacks, dreams, memories, fantasies.....it tends to confuse the reader. I'm not saying that it's not effective-it is, in its place. But jumping around as much as you did, I found it hard to follow.
 

mickaelx99

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Joined
May 2, 2009
Messages
3
My bad. If anyone can read what they can it would be appreciated. I am extremely tired right now and was just linked to this site and post the above by one of my buddies. Sorry for the error.

For the record, this is a section of a larger novel I have been working on; I should have pointed that out.
 

Karn Maeshalanadae

I'm a pineapple
Joined
Dec 2, 2007
Messages
4,119
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Well, that's how most critiques actually are-snippets of much larger pieces. But still, consider timeline and time frames-it sounds like this was set up to be a bit like Momento, and I'd steer as far away from that as I possibly could, if I were you. But that's just a suggestion. :)-----Even for a beginning, I thought you had too many time jumps. One or two at most-not all the skips you placed in.
 

RcGrant

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I had a really hard time getting past the first section, to be honest. Partly the flashbacks, and partly because there was a lot of repetition in the first paragraph. Maybe try choosing a section and then reposting?
 

chrispenycate

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My contract in CWX had just expired, and thus, I was always at home
No comma after "thus"

gazing into its reflection and half my face being mirrored in its blade. I
Do you need that "being"?

At least, it -was-.
perhaps "had been"?

but now, my whole life was getting turned upside down. Like a transformation was ensuing.
No need of that comma, and the "like" is, I think. an "as if"

My sister, Natasha, lied on the floor
"lying"? "lay"? "lain"?

and you're going to sent to hell
going to be sent?

have bullet enter and escape me
bullets?

My jaw nearly dropped.
What is this trying to say?

I dropped to my knees where a small chest was.
Strange image

Heaven would never condole my actions,
condone, perhaps?

He stayed there for awhile
no need for the "for"

You're not the only one with nothing left," there he was
I think a full stop at the end of the quote, and a capital "T"

We weren't under the best terms
on the best of terms

then chances were that a divorce was imminent
a divorce would have been imminent?

As it the blood all over my clothes wasn't enough.
As it was?

I can't, not after what I had let happen,
no "had"

I could still remember the look on her face.

I could still remember the look on her face. Her own tears rolling down her cheek. Sparkling as the setting-sun brought them to life. I longed to see her again, but I turned my back to her. I could remember her last words so clearly too. Even today, like I had just heard them moments ago...

"I'm sorry, Mike. I'm sorry I wasn't there."


__________________________________________________ _______


I stared at May, standing along side the man who I had seen rape her while she was being sold for sex in Mexico. Why was this happening? I dropped my gun, and it fell to the floor, nearly breaking through the poorly-built wood. I began to shake my head slowly, and walk towards her, each step becoming so hard to take.

"May... I... I missed you. I just want it all to end. Look at me!" I pointed to my pale face, and waked towards her. I nearly fell to my knees, but kept on moving towards her. "I want to be free of all of this!"

"I know, Mike. I know," she said, as I could no longer stand. I was too tired to keep on going. I fell to the floor. Dizzy. Fatigued. Hungry. Thirsty. Hurting. Crying. Everything, it all came at me from about fifty different angles. I could remember May dropping to her knees and looking up at me, staring into my green eyes, while her blue ones gave me a bit of strength and hope.

"We're getting you to a hospital. You're going to be alright! I promise you, I am not going to let you die!" she turned towards Necro. I began to become deaf, but I could read her lips, just before I passed out completely from the pain and sudden shock of all that had happened. "Can you move him?"

I could remember being picked up by my long-time foe and nemesis. I could remember having my whole word spin faster and faster, round and round, over and over. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and all I could see was white. My heart began to beat faster and faster, thumping and thumping. My life was in their hands now, and in a way, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was now free. Free, after such a long time of enduring misery and having a forsaken past creep throughout my mind. It was only when I was about to lose even more, that I finally felt home, and away from what had caused my life to spiral out of control and enter the abyss.
Those "could remember"s are pushing the time of that bit of the narrative one step further back in time; when he was passing out on the floor he could remember what was going to happen as a result.

I just lied there,
lay

they belonged to someone I knew for a long, long time
someone I had known

Just a few hours ago, I was finally going to do it:
I had finally been

awaiting to enter a new dimension
waiting to enter, or awaiting entry in.

The fruit had been cleaned in the sink, as tiny drops of water dripped from the top of the fruit and onto the plate
repetition of "fruit"

She waved towards me, in such a sense that she wanted me to go and see her
What?

still in awe while looking on at her seemingly endless majestic attributes.
Comma after "awe"

she said, referring to my other sister. The only member of my family that didn't die in the church massacre. My other sister, the one who I had witnessed take about nine shots and died before she hit the floor -- she was the one I would have to apologize to
gets a bit confusing with "other sister"s and "apologise"

speak, having a single tear roll down my right eye
does a tear roll down an eye, or roll down a cheek from an eye?

when she can barley manage to open a jar of peanut butter
barely

casting forth an almost surreal livelihood and essence.
I don't think "livelihood" is the word you want, here

remembering about how much my dad meant to me and my ultimate goal which was eventually becoming the greatest wrestler the world had ever known.
Had meant? and comma after "me"

"May..." I began, moving her aside and gazed into her eyes one last time.
and gazing into

where the church used to be.
had been?

I opened up the front door and turned towards May
Front door? To a cemetery?

even though I had endured so much, I never had to endure anything.
a "again" in there somewhere?

at the end of the long number of tombstones I had passed,

But, I think I'm finally going to move on and put this behind me.
no comma
 
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