Amoretoria another excerpt for critique

[Asmer20]

Cebera looked into his gleaming eyes, “Sir, I didn’t know. Are you an Admini?
The answer to her question came when a light purple scar that was easy to miss caught her eye. It was almost hidden in the man’s dark hair, only showing slightly pointing to his right eye. In her mind, Cebera measured it to be the length of her thumb nail.
“Oh, for how long?” She changed her question.
“I was never really ambitious. I think I had to be an Asmer because my parents carried the flame. But I wasn’t so interested so I took my time. I was ordained at ten. After training, I took my time to rise up.”
“So you would be happy just being an Asmer?” Cebera said thoughtfully.
“Cebera, like all trained Asmers, you and I know the history. I didn’t think it would be me. But as I can see, you are not interested in being an Asmer forever.” The professor’s eyes had wandered to the the mark between her eyebrows. In stark contrast to her mentor’s scar, the mark of an Admini, The curve was deep scarlet against her skin and traced the path of tears, from the top of her eyebrow midpoint to her cheek.
“I have taught many, few of whom I recognize as Asmers. One of them, wh has graduate was a Lady of Plants at the time I taught her. I belive she has risen to Lady of South America. I find it very honorable if I found out that I had taught Her Highest Lady.” Then there was a knock on the door. “Oreedo mana lesto soreecon.” Obviously, we must talk another day.
“Moreeana cor pesca.” Thank you for your time.” Then She opened the door where another student was waiting to see the professor. “Hey Shana! How’s it going?”
“Pretty good, Cebera.” Shana’s back was turned towards the professor. “See you later.”

Why am I given so much attention? Why are people always talking about that stupid prophecy? Cebera was deep in thought as she walked out of the humanities faculty building.
I’ll give you a hint if you really have to know, but I can’t reveal everything. Jamie’s voice intruded her mind. You must find your path, not me, not any Asmer, not Father Superior, but you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re rising through the stages as if they were baby steps of development. It is pretty clear, to me at least, that you are after something greater than Cleema, Lady of Mountain Everest, or Lord of the Nile.
I’m not at their posts just yet! I’m only an Admini! Her anger traveled with her thoughts.
Right, but you will be soon enough. Mr Rayem just pointed out that your scar is so visible any Asmer would know you weren’t interested in staying an Admini for too long. You and I know that is the whole point of a scar.
Whatever! Just tell everyone to stop bothering me!

 

[Waziwig]

Interesting.

Since this is an excerpt from something longer, I'll assume some things don't need pointing out. Spellcheck, and read out loud. (Feel like a dufus saying that!) The Piece is short, and has faaar too much dialogue-to-description ratio. I don't know where she is, who she's talking to, where they're standing etc, although this could all have been explained before the excerpt starts. But a few things could be shown, just here and there, to round off each line of dialogue. Sound of others outside, traffic, a bell tolling in the yard, the tick of a clock. The dialogue between the Proff and Cebera strikes me as one about what isn't being said, rather than what is. The pace could be made to hang a little with an emphasis on the silences, but this is probably just me.

The second half (mostly in italics) is confusing. Its clear that there is a voice in her head that doesn't belong to her, but there is no thread to follow, just two people arguing. This has to be highlighted in some way. What is she doing as the conversation is going on, how does this extra voice sound, etc. Here, there is VERY little description, and by the end I wasn't sure who was talking. Is Mr Rayem, the professor?

I won't show myself up with a grammar nitpick - I'm a bit poo at that myself! All opinions probably wrong (I can't even control my hair!) Otherwise, good dialogue, and plenty of ways to go!

 

[Asmer20]

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