The Goddess Project - Tashi's intro

[HareBrain]

Thanks ctg - some good things to think about there.

 

[The Judge]

I am impressed by the way you've been able to re-write this three times and each version has a different feel - me, if I try and re-write anything it comes out exactly the same!

Anyway, what did I think? I liked it. Perhaps not as much as the revised original, but it's up there. Comments and nit picks for you to think about or ignore as the mood takes you.

'the sound of water running...' I wondered if you needed an adjective before 'water' (can't ever have too many adjectives and adverbs for my taste!) but it would have to be of one syllable only to avoid clashing horribly with 'running' and nothing comes to mind. I'd definitely be tempted to increase the power of the water by changing 'running' to 'rushing' or something of that kind, but other than that, this first para is near perfect as far as I'm concerned.

'Or feeling faint, like Tenga.' Do not lose this line - it's exactly right.

'He didn’t want to think how long...' To me, either this has got to mirror the first sentence exactly so it's 'He tried not to think how long...' which is heavy; or it has to be wholly different, which means losing one of the 'think's - at the moment there's a discordance by using the word twice so close together.

'... how long it would take to fall eighty feet...' But he was there - wouldn't he know how long it took? I know that he was watching the Archduke's face (if that line survives) but he'd have seen the man's eyes track Tenga's fall and he'd have heard the other boys around him - they wouldn't all have remained silent, even if they didn't move. Or are you thinking that in their immobility not one of them watches Tenga?

'Would the mind be lost in the body’s desperation to survive, in the terror of knowing that it would not?' Didn't like this line - it seemed out of place. Too abstract and theoretical, somehow.

'No one had been able to... as he’d left the refectory.' Are there too many names being introduced too quickly?

'... no reason he shouldn’t survive this one...' Since 'one' is a pronoun, it should refer back to something previously mentioned. I think this should be 'standing' instead.

'... if he did nothing stupid.' I'd take this out - it doesn't add anything and it weakens the line.

'He kept his stance soft... horizontally into thin air.' I wasn't sure about any of this. To me, apart from giving the narrowness of the bridge it's info we don't need and which doesn't take us any further, either in terms of plot or understanding of character, or even basic description. As well as being unnecessary, it seems to jump back to the first para where he was thinking of all the ways he could be led to fall off, so it's actually regressing rather than advancing things.

'Despite the dread...' if you keep the other lines, think about para breaking here. I know that this means 3 paras of more or less the same length but you're changing from his stance to description and I think it needs a cleaner break.

'... the dread that sent needles down his legs...' Does dread do that? When I first started appearing in court my legs trembled so much I didn't think I'd be able to stand, but I never felt pins and needles. Isn't it rather the effect of standing immobile for so long that might be doing that - and isn't that a danger sign that he ought to be flexing his leg muscles or something? I'll definitely bow to Boneman's superior knowledge on this front though.

'... twenty yards after...' Like in the original, this leads me to ask, after what? I know you've said 'below him' in the previous sentence but isn't that a bit too nebulous to carry the precise yardage?

The rest is more or less as the original I think, and I like it all.

The passages you've removed regarding the standing and the Archduke's visit - are you planning to put them in somewhere else? If so, then I don't think it's fatal that they're not here in this first scene, though personally I liked them there. (I hear what you say about word count, but that hadn't bothered me in the original, though of course you've a little more wording now.) I do think, though, that you need the info those passages contained somewhere, and I wouldn't leave it too late.

As ever, hope this helps - and remember this is just my opinion, and no doubt Boneman will have different thoughts!

And Boneman - this baby never did 'no win, no fee' - I got paid regardless! And careful who you call Legal Executive, thank you: they are qualified and highly capable people, to be sure, but I did not number among their ranks. p)

J

 

[Precision Grace]

Don't worry, I'm not here to offer an opinion (I can take a hint, contrary to popular belief). No, I am here to laugh at the Legal Executive joke. Hahaha. V. funny.

(this Boneman vs. Judge to-fro is turning so amusing, I might start writing a story about it)

 

[Boneman]

Owing to a parasitic viral invasion of my computer, I have had to completely reload all my programmes, so for the next day or so, I am unable to cut and paste quotes, but will do it longhand, if you see what I mean.....

To Judge: actually we agree on quite a lot of things... and our verbal jousting is one of the highlights of checking the chrons. I was trying to find a decent insult, as someone told me they thought you were a barrister, and that's the best I could come up with..... Calling me a chiropractor....oooh... that was the worst insult anyone could inflict in twenty lifetimes. If I'd been under cross-examination by you at this point in court I can imagine you as Tom Cruise "I want the Truth!" (A few good men?) and I'd hurl back "You can't handle the truth!!" No doubt we'd both be in contempt of court....

Harebrain, I do like this version, and echo the Judge's sentiments about how you manage to come up with so many versions. I'll do some better input after I've reloaded everything, but it will only be nitpicks, I like the way it's shaping up.

 

[HareBrain]

(this Boneman vs. Judge to-fro is turning so amusing, I might start writing a story about it)

Well, here's my pitch for a TV show:


Dan Nightshaw, an osteopath barred from his profession after being mistakenly called a chiropractor and levelling his home town in an unstoppable rage.

Miranda Sawkins, a previously successful lawyer barred from legal work after picking apart the sentence structure of an Appeal Court ruling.

Together, they fight supernatural crime in the streets of Midhurst, Petersfield or anywhere roughly equidistant from their respective homes. A close team despite their bickering, he treats her bad back, she advises him on how to handle the rent demands from his landlord.

They are: BONEMAN AND THE JUDGE

 

[Precision Grace]

Well, here's my pitch for a TV show:


Dan Nightshaw, an osteopath barred from his profession after being mistakenly called a chiropractor and levelling his home town in an unstoppable rage.

Miranda Sawkins, a previously successful lawyer barred from legal work after picking apart the sentence structure of an Appeal Court ruling.

Together, they fight supernatural crime in the streets of Midhurst, Petersfield or anywhere roughly equidistant from their respective homes. A close team despite their bickering, he treats her bad back, she advises him on how to handle the rent demands from his landlord.

They are: BONEMAN AND THE JUDGE

I see what you mean. Like Moonlighting, but with a supernatural twist?

 

[crystal haven]

This is really good.

I agree that 'think' used twice isn't the best thing.

He tried not to think about the last time they had stood on the Knifebridge. He didn’t want to think how long it would take to fall eighty feet, and whether Tenga had shut his eyes.

If you decide to change this, so he knows how long it takes to fall, perhaps the second ‘think’ could be ‘remember’ instead.

He tried not to think about the last time they had stood on the Knifebridge. He didn’t want to remember how long it had taken for Tenga to fall eighty feet, and whether, (or not?) he had shut his eyes (on the way down?)

Would the mind be lost in the body’s desperation to survive, in the terror of knowing that it would not? (I like this line, It shows the fears Tashi carries inside.)

Or, perhaps – Does the mind become lost in the body’s desperation to survive, in the terror of knowing that it cannot?

I like this very much, and the "third-person intimate". It makes me want to read on.

 

[HareBrain]

Thanks for your comments Judge and Crystal. I should have picked up the double "think". I also made a mistake about the falling eighty feet bit - I meant to get across him wondering about how long it would seem to take to fall that far.

'Would the mind be lost in the body’s desperation to survive, in the terror of knowing that it would not?

' Didn't like this line - it seemed out of place. Too abstract and theoretical, somehow.

Would it seem less out of place if I'd got the eighty-feet thing right so it suggested he was putting himself in Tenga's place, wondering how he would experience it? He's been brought up in a belief system that basically says the mind is the identity, and the body (including emotions) something to be mastered and treated as a tool. To lose the mind at the point of death could have big consequences for what happens next. I think these thoughts might well go through his mind, and I think they might be couched in the abstract words in which he'd been taught. But if that abstractness feels wrong, maybe I could word it a bit differently.

'... twenty yards after...' Like in the original, this leads me to ask, after what? I know you've said 'below him' in the previous sentence but isn't that a bit too nebulous to carry the precise yardage?

I can't think what else to put - I'd be grateful for suggestions!

The passages you've removed regarding the standing and the Archduke's visit - are you planning to put them in somewhere else? If so, then I don't think it's fatal that they're not here in this first scene, though personally I liked them there. (I hear what you say about word count, but that hadn't bothered me in the original, though of course you've a little more wording now.) I do think, though, that you need the info those passages contained somewhere, and I wouldn't leave it too late.

I'm not sure. I might expand when Tashi and Aino are talking about Tenga later, but what is there in those paragraphs that's essential? Probably some more experimenting required.

Boneman - hope your computer's healed soon. Stick to websites like this in future

 

[The Judge]

I actually guessed much of what you mention about their belief system (mind good, body a tool etc) and of course Tashi would use the language he had been taught - if anything I think he would use even more abstract language than this, just like the mantra type sentences you gave him in the second version. It isn't that I don't believe he would think these things, only that I'm not sure it feels right for you to put it in the story at this point. It jarred and I don't know that dressing it in different language would make it seem better. Do you desperately want it in? Is it important that we know it?

Something that's only just occurred to me is that Tashi has been standing there a good while already - I know the second version put it at half an hour and I think the original was the same. So he'd have had all these thoughts about the last time on the Knifebridge etc in the first few minutes when the fear was at its greatest. Would he still be thinking them, or would a certain complacency be stealing over him by now? Alternatively, has he managed by his training to block out these thoughts initially and as the time has gone on, has his self-control weakened to allow them in? Sorry - rambling thoughts going nowhere.

I didn't offer an alternative for the 'twenty yards after' because nothing came to my mind either! I shall keep thinking however - my best ideas usually come when I stop actively searching for them. I'll let you know if anything hits me (apart from a furious Boneman).

You'll surely have to bring in the Archduke if this baddie is his relative and is buzzing the bridge because of what his uncle told him. (Or have I mis-remembered that?) Otherwise, leave it out if you no longer like it. And I suppose there's no requirement that you explain why the boys are doing this dangerous stunt on the bridge - but I think I'd feel pretty short-changed as a reader if I wasn't given some kind of hint about it.

More experimenting? I do wonder if you ought to let this rest for a bit. And no, that isn't said for reasons of self-preservation - just that sometimes it helps to let things alone and come back to them with a wholly fresh mind. So get the aircraft bit written and put that up for our delectation and delight.

J

PS
And there was me thinking that chiropractors were the cream of bone-wrangling professionals! (Why isn't there a smilie for wide-eyed innocence and butter-not-melting-in-mouthness?)

Boneman and The Judge? Walrus and the Carpenter more like! ('The time has come the Boneman said...') And supernatural happenings in Midhurst? Any happenings in Midhurst...?

Moonlighting, eh? aka 'The Bald and the Beautiful'. Puts me in mind of the Hollywood actress being offered the lead in the film 'The Virgin and the Gypsy' - cue one highly indignant single woman demanding 'And just who are you calling a gypsy?'

Hey Boneman - much more of this and we'll have to have our own thread!

J

 

[Precision Grace]

More experimenting? I do wonder if you ought to let this rest for a bit. And no, that isn't said for reasons of self-preservation - just that sometimes it helps to let things alone and come back to them with a wholly fresh mind.

Oh dear. Oh dear, dear me. (shuffles to make space on the bench)

PS
And there was me thinking that chiropractors were the cream of bone-wrangling professionals! (Why isn't there a smilie for wide-eyed innocence and butter-not-melting-in-mouthness?)

Oh dear. Oh Dear! (hides under the bench, the end is Nigh)

 

[HareBrain]

Drat, now nothing will wipe that smile of smug satisfaction off PG's face!

Of course, Judge, you're right about giving it a break. (Haven't we been here before?) And in the end, this is only three or four paragraphs that a reader will probably zip through in less than a minute - they probably haven't warranted the enormous amount of critiquing energy spent on them. Still, it was very interesting and instructive. Thanks again everyone

 

[HareBrain]

Right, here's the fly-past bit. There have been several versions of this over the last few weeks, no one will be surprised to hear, but I decided to try this one first. It follows directly on from my first post, and forms the rest of ch1. I moved a couple of bits from the first chunk, so if anything seems repeated from the posting above, that's hopefully why.

***********************

They started back; but Tashi couldn’t let the matter of Hann rest. ‘You shouldn’t listen to him,’ he said, as the bridge came back into sight. ‘Remember, he wasn’t brought to Highcloud until three years old. Three years in the lower world, Aino —King Serpent must have had many chances to sink his fangs into him. Nor has Hann always been diligent in trying to expel the influence of the Witch-mother.’

‘What do you mean?’ said Aino.

‘Gevurah willing, the Knifebridge is our greatest test as novitiates,’ said Tashi. ‘How we act whilst on the bridge defines us. Hann …’ He could hardly bring himself to say it. ‘One night, he polluted the Oar from the bridge. He boasted of it himself.’

‘Oh, that,’ said Aino. ‘Yes, I heard that too. That was bad. Tashi!’

Tashi jumped as Aino grabbed his arm. He followed his friend’s gaze southwards.

Not a bird, this time. Too big — even from a distance, that was obvious. But from the front, it did somewhat resemble a fat lammager with unnaturally stiff wings. There was a strange sound coming from that direction too, something like an echo of the Oar.

‘Do you think it’s true?’ Aino’s voice trembled. ‘What our masters suspect?’

‘I hope so,’ said Tashi. ‘If they can prove that this is a device of magic, then it will have to be destroyed. Now come on — the bridge!’

They ran. From the far side of the gorge, Yulenda urged them on; he had already got the others back onto the ten-inch-wide span. By the time Tashi and Aino came up, panting again from the awkwardness of their gear, the body of the air-craft was the size of a thumbnail held at arm’s length. Hann and Paiko bunched up to make room. Tashi shuffled onto the bridge, with Aino right at the end.

‘Did you find them?’ shouted Yulenda over the noise of water and engines.

‘No, Youth Leader!’ Tashi cried back. ‘We did not!’

‘Too late now anyway,’ said Yulenda. ‘Novitiates: backs straight! Eyes forward!’

The blunt nose of the craft was fronted by a glass shell split into many small panes. Behind those that did not reflect the sky, Tashi glimpsed the machine’s operator. This is the end of the world, the thought came to him. What was before cannot be again. The body was large enough to hold several people. Where the wings joined the main compartment were great bulges, and from the rear of these streamed white vapour. The roar grew. Fear is the defence of the lower self against extinction, Tashi recited to himself; an attempt to overpower the will and turn it to preservation of the flesh. From the sides of the craft protruded glass canopies from which stuck the barrels of firearms, much larger than those the Archduke’s guard had been made to hand in at the Sun Gate. It is the flesh that fears. I will not be afraid. The wings were enormous, and ribbed; on their undersides were painted the insignia of the Celestian Imperial Prelates. The roar became a howl. The craft slowed above, a hundred feet up. Faces showed behind the gun-canopies. Tashi craned his neck as the machine passed over him.

Faint above the noise he heard Yulenda’s yell: ‘Eyes forward!’

At once he realised — tipping back his head to follow the air-craft, he was overbalancing. He snapped his head level, sought the horizon, fought the pull of the long fall at his back. Sweat ran in his clothes as his legs found their steadiness — just as Paiko next to him cried out. Their shoulders bumped. Tashi turned to see the other boy lurch, twist, try to right himself — and fail.

He froze, locked at the sight of Paiko teetering on the edge. His only thought, clear as a bell: He’s about to die. The gorge gaped, jaws of jagged rock, and Paiko was about to fly, the shock on his face —

Then Hann snatched hold of Paiko’s hand, and pulled. For a moment it seemed he’d yanked too hard and both would go over the other side of the bridge, but Paiko tugged back to counterbalance, and in less time than it would have taken him to hit the rocks, he and Hann had steadied.

Tashi breathed. On Hann’s far side, Gentu and Cank had dropped to a crouch, gripping the edges of the bridge. The air-craft moved off towards the Lower Monastery.

‘Get off it,’ Hann said to Tashi and Aino.

When they were on the side of the gorge, Paiko walked off slowly at a half-crouch, his face ashen, concentrating on the stone beneath his feet as though it were no wider than a rope.

‘Paiko! Hann!’ shouted Yulenda from the other side. ‘Come round by the Monks Bridge. I want to talk to you.’

Paiko’s eyes flicked up at Tashi’s. Tashi shied from them.

‘Admirable composure, Tashi,’ said Hann as he passed. ‘Do the rules really mean so much? Or was it something more bodily?’

‘The rules are for a reason,’ Tashi mumbled. He didn’t meet Hann’s eyes either. He heard the taller boy spit.

As Hann and Paiko walked along the edge of the gorge towards the other bridge, Yulenda ordered those novitiates still on the Knifebridge to file off the far end. The air-craft was falling gently onto the ball-pitch just north of the monastery. Above the sound of its engines came the pipes and horns of the welcome ceremony.

‘What now?’ said Aino shakily. ‘Do we go with the others?’

Yulenda had gathered the other twenty-three on the other side of the gorge, and was talking to them. Tashi looked along the length of the bridge he had crossed thousands of times.

‘No,’ he said. ‘There’s no need for fuss. Nothing happened. Not like with Tenga.’

‘Paiko almost fell,’ said Aino.

‘But he didn’t,’ snapped Tashi. ‘Nothing happened.’

‘Thanks to Hann.’

‘Come on,’ said Tashi. ‘Let’s go back to our masters. See if they discovered anything.’

***********************

Now you've read it, my main concern is this. (No doubt you can cause me to have others .) There's clearly potential for a lot more physical drama here, like Paiko actually tumbling off the edge and grasping at the bridge and clinging with his fingertips etc, but having written versions like that, it felt a bit ... obvious. But is this one too light on the drama? When Tashi says "nothing happened" does it feel as if he's right?

 

[Precision Grace]

I thought there was enough drama, but I wondered why Paiko and not one of the others. Also, since Tashi and Aino are who we were reading about just previously, I got to wondering where Aino was - was he on the other side of Tashi? Did he notice what happened? Did he not falter at the fly by?

 

[The Judge]

Have read very quickly. Enjoyed it as ever, but it seemed perhaps a fraction light on tension to me. (And how many re-writes will that damn comment engender?!) Can't look at it in detail tonight - am hours late for my bath already (these annual events...) - so don't produce version 2 for at least another 24 hours, please.

J
PS I understood Aino was the other side of Tashi, further from Paiko. Not sure if you can bring him into it further at that point without dissipating the tension, but will think about this tomorrow.

 

[HareBrain]

Just to clarify: from the end of the bridge it goes Aino, Tashi, Paiko, Hann.

As to why Paiko, maybe Tashi's overbalancing and correction had something to do with it.

Looking forward to other comments. I have cleared my schedule next week to produce versions two through ten

 

[mygoditsraining]

OK, weirdest circumstance for a comment ever coming up, but bear with me. I was lying somewhere between beiing asleep and awake this morning, with lots of random things tumbling through my head, when the image of this piece plopped into my mind. More specifically, the line (now cut) where Tashis (excuse the lack of apostrophes, Ill explain that in a footnote) toes hang over one side of the knifebridge and heels over the other.

Is there a specific, religious, martial or otherwise, reason for them to shuffle crablike across the bridge(insert questionmark)

Biomechanically, with your feet together, the pivot point for balance is your ankle. Walking "in line" like a tightrope or balance beam walker is safer as the pivot (ankle) has a better range of lateral motion, plus you can use your arms to spread or shift your centre of mass, reducing angular momentum if you do happen to shift laterally.

Dramatically, you should be able to find plenty of footage of tightrope acts where someone falls and catches the wire. This Christmas just passed I saw the very thing during the live Swedish circus show where the high wire act went a bit wrong and one of them fell, caught the wire as he fell, then mantled back up onto the wire to continue the show (he then went onto climb onto his partners shoulders and jump onto the wire, great recovery).

On a 25 cm span, he could fall, turn and catch with his fingers, or lose balance, try to right himself, fail, slip and end up doubled, winded and disoriented, across the knifebridge and have to lower his legs off to mantle back on. Either way his fellow initiate could give him a hand at the end if he suddenly felt his balance go a little bit.

I hope this meandering train of thought helps a bit.



Footnote. Im sitting in a hotel room in Tokyo, writing on an Asus Eee PC fitted with a Japanese keyboard and a Swedish character map. Its 8 am and I cant bring myself to find all of the punctuation. Post done and dreamstate thoughts satisfied, Im going to go find some coffee.

 

[HareBrain]

MGIR, ever since I started writing I've dreamed that one day, someone would be lying half-awake in a Tokyo hotel room thinking about my work, so thank you!

The crab-wise thing, they're only sideways-on when standing, they walk on and off normally. As to why they're doing it, I think from various comments that I will have to make that clearer, if I can do so without veering into omniscient POV. More on that later, maybe.

Thanks for the info about the acrobatics. I had something similar in mind, if it turns out the current version needs more physical drama.

 

[Boneman]

And also.... they've never seen an air craft before, it's gobsmacking for them, shouldn't they all crane their necks up to look? Not just Tashi? Okay, maybe the weaker amongst them are frightened to death, and hunch downwards, trying not to look at this monster in case it steals their souls....perhaps it's them doing this that saves the others, the balance maintained by those looking up and those looking down. I'd kinda like to see them all swaying back and forth, all within a smidgeon of falling..... Where's Olga Korbut when we need her?

 

[HareBrain]

And also.... they've never seen an air craft before, it's gobsmacking for them, shouldn't they all crane their necks up to look? Not just Tashi?

I didn't mean that only Tashi was doing that - maybe I shouldn't have made that comment about him unbalancing Paiko, since I'm not yet sure if anything comes of it later on. You're right though, there should be more gob-smackedness from them generally.

 

[The Judge]

Right then... (ties bandana round head, sharpens quill pen and cracks knuckles ...)

'... our greatest test as novitiates...' Wouldn't the greatest test be the final one, rather than something they are doing every couple of months from the age of 11?

'Now come on — the bridge!’ This felt a bit too 'Forward chaps!' gung-ho-y.

'... he had already got the others back...' This confused me. I know some boys filed off to let T&A go find their masters - have they been standing on the side waiting ever since? Surely that would have been (a) unfair to the poor buggers still stuck on it and (b) inadvisable in case the mysterious flying machine came on them unannounced and there's the bridge only half populated. If Yulenda got the boys back on as soon as T&A left, then this line isn't needed, surely.

'... the ten-inch-wide span.' This jarred a little for me. Apart from reading awkwardly, it made me think that you'd remembered you had to put in somewhere how narrow it was and this was the only place left, so you just stuck it in. I think it worked better earlier in the scene.

'... panting again from the awkwardness of their gear...' Weren't they panting because they were running uphill before, nothing to do with their gear. And unless it was over their face, how would awkwardness make them pant? Since we don't know what they're wearing (do we? Too idle to check out all the versions to see) and whether it's very different from normal, I don't think this particularly helps anyway.

'... the noise of water and engines.' Since this is Tashi's POV are you allowed to use words that T probably doesn't know? (This is a genuine question - you know my problems with POVs.)

'Behind those that did not reflect the sky...' Grammatically correct, but awkward. How about something like 'Most of the panes reflected the sky, but through the others T could glimpse...' I know you're repeating 'panes' but sometimes it's necessary for clarity.

'... the thought came to him.' Since you've just given the thought, this read strangely. I think a simple 'he thought.' would do the job better.

'... the barrels of firearms...' Would T know they were guns? That is could he firstly see them clearly enough to know they were more than sticks and secondly would he recognise them - would they look the same as other guns?

'... the Archduke’s guard...' You've definitely got to keep that earlier para about the Archduke if this is going in here. (Well, I suppose you could still lose it, but this would seem odd on its own.)

‘Eyes forward!’ I see Yulenda coming close to panic at this point as he sees all the boys following the plane (is he on the bank by the way?) in which case I think a repetition of this wouldn't go amiss.

'At once he realised...' The last named person is Yulenda, so 'Tashi' rather than 'he'.

' — tipping back his head to follow the air-craft, he was overbalancing.' I think it should be 'by tipping' or 'in this way' or something; and I didn't like 'overbalancing' - beginning to overbalance, perhaps?

'Sweat ran in his clothes...' Just sweat? o)

'... just as Paiko next to him cried out.' 'Next to him' coming between 'Paiko' and 'cried out' seemed to distance the cry and make it less immediate. Could you do without it? (I tried changing the word order but that read awkwardly.)

'Tashi turned...' That to me implies a whole body turn, but surely he'd just turn his head to look? And I wondered if it would be better if rather than T watching at this point, we have P doing - to make it more direct ie 'Their shoulders bumped, then Paiko lurched, twisted...'

'... teetering on the edge.' Don't like 'teetering', it's a twee word verging on the comic, but that might just be me.

'... clear as a bell...' I know it's T's thought, but I still think cliche should be avoided unless it's in actual speech.

'... and Paiko was about to fly...' 'Fly' seems sacastic almost, certainly out of place. Any chance of continuing the eating imagery instead?

'... the shock on his face — ' This is such a different thought to the rest of the line that standing alone like this it jars. (But see below.)

'Then Hann snatched hold of Paiko’s hand, and pulled.' Would he grab his hand, as opposed to his clothing? And I'd suggest a change of tense, to make it seem more immediate 'Then Hann was snatching at Paiko and pulling the boy...'

'... it seemed he’d yanked too hard and both...' '... he had yanked too hard and that both of them...' I think has a better rhythm.

'... the other side of the bridge...' I was a bit confused as to which side they were falling from at first - might it be better if this was omitted and just left that they are both going over?

'... but Paiko tugged back to counterbalance, and in less time than it would have taken him to hit the rocks, he and Hann had steadied.' Didn't like this. Can't tell you why, it just felt wrong to me.

'The air-craft moved off towards the Lower Monastery.' I think this is too soon to take the attention away from the boys - put it in later.

'‘Get off it,’ Hann said to Tashi and Aino.' Didn't like 'it', either just 'Get off' or '...off the bridge'. And something stronger than 'said' - and addressed only at Tashi - Aino would know he'd have to move first.

'Admirable composure, Tashi,’ said Hann ...‘... Or was it something more bodily?’ I loved these two lines but are they just a little too adult, even for the worldly Hann? A bit too James-Bondish smooth?

'... Yulenda ordered those novitiates still on the Knifebridge...' Since there are only 4 novitiates who aren't on the bridge, 'those' seems a little out of place. And do we need this? We see him having gathered them on the other side in a few lines - we can guess that he's ordered them off. I think I'd leave this sentence out and start the para with the aircraft - putting in a variant of the earlier line about it continuing. NB Why doesn't Yulenda yell for T&A to come over to join the others?

'Tashi looked along the length of the bridge he had crossed thousands of times.' I love this line - he's afraid to cross the bridge but you've not needed to spell it out, his 'No' to Aino making it clear. This is why I don't think you should make his fear explicit earlier - even now he is not admitting it to himself.

I didn't quote it above, but I also love the way you've got T's thoughts coming through while you're describing the plane, particularly where he's reciting his teachings to try to bolster his courage.

On reflection, I still think that the bit about Paiko falling is a little underpowered. I don't know that you want the full acrobatics as detailed by mgir, but I think you need to spin the incident out longer. Obviously everything would happen very quickly in reality, but you need T to see it all in a kind of slow motion. That line where you have the shock on P's face, could you expand that with T seeing the horror, the fear, the loss of Gevurah's comfort etc? Does P keep his hands rigidly at his side, or are his arms flailing around threatening to knock T off so he steps back towards Aino? It isn't necessarily that you need more happening, but you need to make the most of what does happen. And as Boneman points out, what about the other boys? You can't dissipate the tension of P once that starts but you might get in a line or two first, before his shoulder hits T, as well as something afterwards - ie not just Gentu and Cank crouching.

But yes, I liked it. Most of my comments are just nit-picking niggles (but hey - that's me!) which can be safely ignored if you don't agree with them. It was good and I am sure the re-write will be very different, if not better!

J

PS Have just re-read Boneman's post before filing this. Is the bridge meant to be swaying as all the boys start looking up? I hadn't considered that. But if it was swayable - wouldn't it start going every time they put a foot on it? Do we need a structural engineer to help out with this?