OK Final vesrion 4 now!

[2ndchance]

How is this for the end?

Disturbed, and waking in the middle of the night, and without provisions, she heads back to Jezzel, however seemingly lost – Jez, realising how important she has become, runs blindly in search, when finally together, they vow never to part.

Sorry it is still a little cliche' sadly it is though.

Steve

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

• How about :-

... they rush across the moor shouting their names to end in an eternal embrace.

I think you are still writing the story and not describing it's content.

You're also giving too much away. there's nothing left to discover even as the agent.

I can see her reading this and thinking :-

'Oh, the usual happy ending then, mmm...

this one might be mote interesting.'

Leave something for her to wonder about.

And I ain't no synopsis write (yet)

Disturbed(what -as in fruitcake?) and waking in the middle of the night, and without provisions, she heads back to Jezzel, however seemingly lost – Jez , realising how important she has become, runs blindly in search(what telepathically realising she's lookig at the same time?), when finally together, they vow never to part.

why not just-

Waking in the night, provisionless, she searches for the one person she discovers she needs. Will Jezzel submit to his feeling and return her love or will fate intervene to deny them both.

OK we all know the answer is yes but lets leave a smidgen of doubt her to want to find out.

 

[2ndchance]

Thanks End’

Not telepathy, the group she travels with, radio back stating, she has left a note to say ----.

Disturbed as in disturbed sleep, I believe this is a common enough use for the word.

Thanks for your suggestions I do have the (write words) now, just playing with them, to get in the correct order.

Interesting, your point about leaving them’ hanging a little, but so much advise has suggested this is a positive no-no.


Cheers Steve

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I understood the reference to disturbed, it's just that your singling out a specific point and not the general flow of the story.

As I said we all really know the answer to the will they get it together it just leaves the possibility that there's something left to discover if she reads the full synopsis.

Of course I may be wrong, I shall now sit back wait for Teresa to tells me off

 

[C Of K]

Hmm. Tell them every most important detail you can fit onto a snappy little synop. The ending would be one of them. If your synop can interest an editor without having to make him guess what will happen, your foot could be in the door. Could you imagine the frown on an editors face if you make him/her guess? Guessing is a luxury. Assume they don't have time to guess about your story.

One of the things that struck me about the last version is that nothing seems to draw it all together. Whatever reoccurring theme or moral you put in the synop didn't seem strong enough. This story seems to be about the very personal emotions of 3 people more than anything else. Their relationships should play out strongly from beginning to end.

It just seems like you wrote that a married couple gets on two different boats, and the man falls in love with someone else when he can't contact his wife. All of a sudden this other girl comes into the picture and is forgotten just as fast. The. End.

The makings of something nice is there.

Somewhere along long the way that footnote, Kataleena, is dropped on your synop! She's not worth the space even if she is in the story. The story always seemed to be about a certain 3 people. I would keep this synop focused on the emotional triangle, and not the square (if you know what I mean) That way you can have more space to justify what happened between Jezel and Roxy at the end.

Justification. Whether they did a good thing or a bad thing at the end -- explain it better. I really don't know what to think about what Jezel has done. I mean, sure, who really needs that kind of justification in real life? Marriages break up everyday! The car goes one way, and the house another. Simple. Right? But this is a story, and it should be held apart from real life no matter how realistically it is written. Much of the power in bringing a book to a close comes in the messages we leave throughout the writing, and the synop can portray some of that power.

I just don't see a hint of it here. But that's not hard to fix.

Your synop is very wordy in places, and you even repeat some of the same Ideas at times. I would cut out a lot of the wordiness, and the part about Kataleena, in favor of elaborating on the emotional make-up of your story.

 

[2ndchance]

ditched what I was goin to say, I will be back soon

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

If you think you've reached the point where any more changes would misrepresent the book (and you are the only one who would know), I can only say that this is a huge improvement over the first synopsis we saw, and congratulations on producing something that you feel confident sending out.

There are a few run-on sentences that need cleaning up, but you ought to be able to take care of that on your own.

Now it just depends on whether an agent is drawn to this particular story or not.

 

[C Of K]

Indeed.

The only real gripe I had with it was Kataleena's part at the end. Since a synopsis is basically the story in a nut shell, I think even one tiny sentence can harm the flow of things. I know I wrote a lot before, but that is essentially all I was saying. I thought adding her into the synopsis took up space and knocked the internal conflict Jezzel had over being unfaithful to his wife out of focus.

There's nothing wrong with having Kataleena in the story, but with so much limited space I personally wouldn't have made mention of her at the end of your synopsis.

I thought there were other smaller issues, but I didn't think the synopsis was bad. Kataleena just made me kind of go... ???? because she popped out of nowhere at the end (a very important moment I'm guessing?) My initial thought after reading was that instead of adding Kataleena you could strengthen the synopsis by elaborating on the moment Jezzel told Roxy he wanted to move on with life.

Like I said before, it seems like you have the makings of something nice here. You're on a good track.

 

[2ndchance]

Thnaks C' for your considerd words. I do take your points and they are valued. Kataleena, I am umming' and erring' as she plays a small but significient role. It is her appearance, and what she brings, that makes Roxy choose to go back alone. And then it is this that makes Jez realise Roxy's importance to him, up to that point he had not been anything other than plutonical.

Thanks again Steve.

 

[2ndchance]

Ok Guys,


I feel comfortable with this now. I hope you like this version. If you do it is largely thanks to your valued constructive input.


Just one or two tweeks. (til Christmas lol).



Steve





Earth is in the grips of intense global warming, this mostly caused by humanity’s incessant materialistic choices. Ten thousand individuals, each with their own specialist field and selected in complete secrecy are to travel in two huge space arks. They have one job, one hope, to find an alternative planet, and start again. The ship’s they travel in have many self-sustaining eco systems, sufficient to aid their long and unpredictable journey. Some consider these ships, a modern day Noah’s ark.


Selected, Jezzel discovers that due to a poorly contrived plan, his pregnant wife, Raqualla, is to travel on a different ark. This weighs heavy, emotionally, on both, but particularly for Jez, however having finally discussed this with Raq, they accept their offer in the belief their unborn baby may benefit.



Now aboard, Jezzel joins Melinda’s small radio communication group, they soon form a close-knit team. During their journey, this group question the material values that lead them to this point. Ultimately, they decide to compile a new constitution for the future. On Quest 2, Jez finds himself attracted by Roxy, having an instant rapport, they become almost inseparable. Their closeness has the questioning attention of others in Melinda’s team.



On a planet deep in the Milky Way, they discover a signal, emanating for thousands of years. Although this planet is now harshly uninhabitable, they expose tentative evidence, signifying man’s likely earlier existence. This raises deeply philosophical questions -- was this humanities original home, and, has this path been trodden before?


After months in deep space, Quest 2 loses contact with the other ark. Many feel left in a void, concerned for their family on Quest 1. Most wanting to hear they are OK, for some the reality is harsher, however Jez, more philosophical, associates the need for closure. Their mood very quickly lifts, when, finding an idyllic planet, they start colonisation. A couple of months pass, and groups have settled well. Some groups are ready to spread further afield and Melinda’s team head north.



There is still no contact with Quest 1. Jez seems strangely OK and declares he feels ready to move on with his life. Roxy, for so long blighted by her unrequited love of Jezzel, feels raised by this. However, soon after arriving at their encampment, new team member Kataleena is working closely with Jez. Roxy, now feeling surplus, makes a heart-wrenching choice to leave Jez behind, and head back to base camp. Disturbed, and waking in the middle of the night, and without provisions, she heads back to Jezzel. Alarmed to hear Roxy is on her way and suddenly stirring to her importance, Jez goes in search, when finally back together, they share the inner thoughts.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Now to the actual plot

Earth is in the grips of intense global warming, this mostly caused by humanity’s incessant materialistic choices. Ten thousand individuals,

It seems unlikely that in a selection of 10,000 a couple would be selected. It may be easier to have them select 5000 couples. That would at least explain and give credence to the split up.

Some consider these ships, a modern day Noah’s ark.(s)

Well they would and it seems pointless to mention it in this way. Better to assert they are 'Noah's arks.'

Deep inside the milky way (how, if it's some fantastic new space drive then global warming seems a little petty if science has advanced that much) Presumably some form of hibernation is involved and if so it should get a mention. Then again if hibernation is involved would a pregnant female go for it. Why does she need to be pregnant anyway. surely the chance to escape is reason enough to take the journey.


Hope these are helpful and not discouraging

 

[ctg]

TEIN, hibernation is not need if you can provide food and water source for the population that is under a controlled breeding scheme. You haven't read the book, so you don't know all the details.

 

[2ndchance]

Thanks C' spot on. (again)

He sits sipping his already cold cofee and thinks -- CRUMBS -- I know I'll write a book, or is it right, lol.

Just a thought; would a 'hyper drive' fix the ozone, when it took the plants of the Silurion Epocque millions of years to create it>>>

Just a thought

Oh yeah -- Noah's ark -- ummm maybe it could be a tentative religious connotation, or even, dare I suggest, a realisation of the enormity of thier 'pilgrimage'.


Steve

 

[Alcatraz]

Thanks C' spot on. (again)

He sits sipping his already cold cofee and thinks -- CRUMBS -- I know I'll write a book, or is it right, lol.

Just a thought; would a 'hyper drive' fix the ozone, when it took the plants of the Silurion Epocque millions of years to create it>>>

Just a thought

Oh yeah -- Noah's ark -- ummm maybe it could be a tentative religious connotation, or even, dare I suggest, a realisation of the enormity of thier 'pilgrimage'.


Steve

Here's the thing with Science Fiction, don't get too bogged down in 'Real World' science. As long as YOU can explain how and why the Hyperdrive can do what YOU want it do, then the operitive wording is 'Science FICTION.'

I'm sure that Russell Davies or his predecessors didn't have any real world science behind the TARDIS, yet it is one of the most iconic craft from Science Fiction, because people BELIEVE that it can travel through Time and Space due to good writing.

 

[2ndchance]

Alcatraz,

Love your comments, this is what I should have put. I was trying to be a little too diplomatic.

I actually don't have a hyper anything, other than hopefully my imagination lol.

As you so thoughtfully suggested, it is in the writing. I just give the impression in terms of days i.e. 86 days to get to Andromeda. Probably in the new 'Nissan GTR.

He smiles contently to himself and heads back to his grammar. >>>

Steve

 

[Boneman]

Oh yeah -- Noah's ark -- ummm maybe it could be a tentative religious connotation, or even, dare I suggest, a realisation of the enormity of thier 'pilgrimage'.

All ancient religious writing of all persuausions have a history of 'The Flood' but only one Noah's Ark.....curioser and curioser......

 

[2ndchance]

Maybe two now m8 lol

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

TEIN, hibernation is not need if you can provide food and water source for the population that is under a controlled breeding scheme. You haven't read the book, so you don't know all the details.

However, for the same people that left the Earth to survive to get deep inside the galaxy then either hyper drive or hibernation is required.

2ndchance:

I assume you're joking about the 86 days to Andromeda

Wikipedia

Andromeda Nebula in older texts) is a spiral galaxy approximately 2.5 million light-years away

In 86 days?

I would have thought a species that had mastered hyper drive would have solved the ozone problem before breakfast and still have change for a portion of fish and chips on the way home.

 

[C Of K]

I would have thought a species that had mastered hyper drive would have solved the ozone problem before breakfast and still have change for a portion of fish and chips on the way home.

That is one way of looking at it, but who's to say how far the advancement of space travel would have anything to do with the environment?

Right now we can send people into space, but can't cure aids. If we can do one, should we be able to do another?

Then there's the fact that some scientific discoveries actually help to harm the environment, like the atom bomb. The synopsis mentions that the environmental problems are man made, and could have much to do with their advanced discoveries in science.

 

[ctg]

TEIN, true, it would be needed or then the ride would take a helluva long time. Then again, they might get a lucky and get a lift from Vorgon Construction fleet or finding a wormhole. Still, I raise my hands up. It's his book, not mine and it's not yours either.